Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter One part Eine"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
40 total reviews
Comment from Bonnie Ferguson
Good beginning.
It is strange that she was concerned about the men following her, but then she gets into a total stranger's car, without even asking first. This should get interesting!
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2018
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Good beginning.
It is strange that she was concerned about the men following her, but then she gets into a total stranger's car, without even asking first. This should get interesting!
Comment Written 04-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2018
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Wow!!! Thank you for going to the beginning and reading. That is how scared of these men Shana was.
Comment from NaughtieScribe
Okay, I'm having issues with Shana's initial judgment. She's so impatient she goes to New York without her brother, gets nervous about three guys clearly trying to get her attention (for what we don't know), but she will get in a car with a total stranger just because he dresses nicely and is driving an expensive car. Yeah, she's gonna have me yelling at my screen.
Well done, I'm hooked. I'm needing to know what drama this chick is gonna get into. Though I've been away for a while, I can always count on you for a god read with frustrating characters (lol). Well written and engaging as always.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2018
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Okay, I'm having issues with Shana's initial judgment. She's so impatient she goes to New York without her brother, gets nervous about three guys clearly trying to get her attention (for what we don't know), but she will get in a car with a total stranger just because he dresses nicely and is driving an expensive car. Yeah, she's gonna have me yelling at my screen.
Well done, I'm hooked. I'm needing to know what drama this chick is gonna get into. Though I've been away for a while, I can always count on you for a god read with frustrating characters (lol). Well written and engaging as always.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2018
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You're wonderful!
Comment from Kalimba Fire
There is no critique to be given here. You write beautifully, and the story moves along quickly enough to keep my attention. I am intrigued and will continue reading.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017
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There is no critique to be given here. You write beautifully, and the story moves along quickly enough to keep my attention. I am intrigued and will continue reading.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Delahay
Having read the last chapter I know these men think she has something of theirs, or say she does, but she seems unaware that anything could be wrong. I wonder how that situation could come about.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Having read the last chapter I know these men think she has something of theirs, or say she does, but she seems unaware that anything could be wrong. I wonder how that situation could come about.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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I hope I can answer your questions. Thank you, again.
Comment from bookishfabler
Boy I am glad I caught this from the beginning. Well almost beginning. I am already hooked. I read your prologue, more like a character description. Maybe mention at the bottom if anyone is lost to read your prologue for character information. maybe later on when it gets deeper. Great job
hugs heidi
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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Boy I am glad I caught this from the beginning. Well almost beginning. I am already hooked. I read your prologue, more like a character description. Maybe mention at the bottom if anyone is lost to read your prologue for character information. maybe later on when it gets deeper. Great job
hugs heidi
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016
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That's a good idea. I am so sorry you had to read this without any money attached.
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Why? I don't mind. I just want to catch up.
hugs Heidi
Comment from alvina224224
Enjoyed this episode, Barbara. Descriptive narrative without being boring, vivid images, and reader-grabbing suspense. That's my own word. I like the way in which you have given important information, like 'fingered her Star of David' Congratulations for the awards, again. Regards, Mary
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Enjoyed this episode, Barbara. Descriptive narrative without being boring, vivid images, and reader-grabbing suspense. That's my own word. I like the way in which you have given important information, like 'fingered her Star of David' Congratulations for the awards, again. Regards, Mary
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from Tpa
I have read some of your work before and thoroughly enjoy them. This chapter is no different, enjoy the character and so far suspenseful.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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I have read some of your work before and thoroughly enjoy them. This chapter is no different, enjoy the character and so far suspenseful.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from MartinDHall
Interesting and very readable.
I hope you don't mind, but the following might help:
I'm unsure whether the exclamation following sight of the dress is internal; if it is, then it ought to be italicised to match the previous thought.
I would remove the comma before 'reading the menu' in paragraph four.
Just a suggestion: Instead of:
'After saying good bye, she put her cell away adjusting her skirt, making sure it didn't creep too high.'
What about: 'After saying good bye, she put her cell away and adjusted her skirt, making sure it didn't creep too high.'
Maybe a page break before she is standing on the pavement? Also, within that paragraph, you switch between first and second person. Personally, I think the second person is more effective, but you should be constant, either way. As the following paragraphs continue the internal dialogue, I suggest you change to second person (if you choose it for the original dialogue).
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Interesting and very readable.
I hope you don't mind, but the following might help:
I'm unsure whether the exclamation following sight of the dress is internal; if it is, then it ought to be italicised to match the previous thought.
I would remove the comma before 'reading the menu' in paragraph four.
Just a suggestion: Instead of:
'After saying good bye, she put her cell away adjusting her skirt, making sure it didn't creep too high.'
What about: 'After saying good bye, she put her cell away and adjusted her skirt, making sure it didn't creep too high.'
Maybe a page break before she is standing on the pavement? Also, within that paragraph, you switch between first and second person. Personally, I think the second person is more effective, but you should be constant, either way. As the following paragraphs continue the internal dialogue, I suggest you change to second person (if you choose it for the original dialogue).
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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I made some of the changes. Will check the others. Thank you for the detailed review.
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You're welcome, Barbara.
Anything to help.
Cheers,
Martin
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very good start for a new novel. The three men really seem very creepy. I hope she made the right move to get into the car of a stranger in the hope to get away from the other three who were following her.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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A very good start for a new novel. The three men really seem very creepy. I hope she made the right move to get into the car of a stranger in the hope to get away from the other three who were following her.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barbara. Good to see you with a new book under way. You have some good images in here, my friend. Like: " She smiled, twisted a strand of her dark brown hair with her finger, and listened."
And: "She stood on the sidewalk and fingered her Star of David necklace."
I trust you want me to be honest with you as I always have, Barbara. You have a good idea for a story for sure, but it feels "stiff" to me for some reason...doesn't flow nice n easy like your other work.
"Did she say this aloud? If not it should be in italics, Barbara: "Wow! I could never afford that. Do people really pay these prices?"
Suggestions: "She stopped at a store window and admired a dress." Here is a perfect case of where detail is so important. Why not say she looked in the window at Macy's or another name of some kind? that way the reader can SEE the store...it's not just any store...which is definitely "telling" and not "showing"
And: "Shana noticed the same three men standing inside the shop studying her through a window. That's strange." I find it strange too. Unusual behavior even if they are bad guys or spies. Nobody is that obvious three men standing there staring at Shana? I don't think it is realistic, Barbara.
I really don't know why you don't just leave it chapter one part one, Barbara? why ar eyou doing the "Eine" thing? What is to be gained other than possible confusion?
I know with some polish, this will be that great story you are capapble of, my friend. Blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Hi, Barbara. Good to see you with a new book under way. You have some good images in here, my friend. Like: " She smiled, twisted a strand of her dark brown hair with her finger, and listened."
And: "She stood on the sidewalk and fingered her Star of David necklace."
I trust you want me to be honest with you as I always have, Barbara. You have a good idea for a story for sure, but it feels "stiff" to me for some reason...doesn't flow nice n easy like your other work.
"Did she say this aloud? If not it should be in italics, Barbara: "Wow! I could never afford that. Do people really pay these prices?"
Suggestions: "She stopped at a store window and admired a dress." Here is a perfect case of where detail is so important. Why not say she looked in the window at Macy's or another name of some kind? that way the reader can SEE the store...it's not just any store...which is definitely "telling" and not "showing"
And: "Shana noticed the same three men standing inside the shop studying her through a window. That's strange." I find it strange too. Unusual behavior even if they are bad guys or spies. Nobody is that obvious three men standing there staring at Shana? I don't think it is realistic, Barbara.
I really don't know why you don't just leave it chapter one part one, Barbara? why ar eyou doing the "Eine" thing? What is to be gained other than possible confusion?
I know with some polish, this will be that great story you are capapble of, my friend. Blessings, Bob
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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I have told you before. FS WILL NOT me to continue using Chapter One or 1 Part One or 1. I have already used both versions and a combination of both. I can't use it again. I have to use something different. It's not my choice. The men are necessarily trying to hide. They wave and pay for her coffee and a brownie. I am afraid of naming an actual store because of copyright problems. I appreciate your comments.
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Please don't be angry with me, my friend. I was simply trying to help. yes...I can understand them telling you you cannot use chapter one again for the SAME book....but people start new stories on here all the time and you have to start with chapter ONE. Im am going to check with Tom for my own edification but I think you are misunderstanding, Barbara. And it will get confusing after a while in this new book. It's something you simply do not have to do. As far as mentioning Burger King or product names....it is done all the time in anyone's writing. who in the world told you differently? Like I said, I was only tryong to help. :) Bob
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I am not angry with you, I am just frustrated with the situation. When I have done it, with new books, it won't let me save.
FS won't allow to do it in different books. I have tried over and over again. I have spoken with Tom. It's very frustrating to me. I understand and want to do it the way you have suggested. I just can't.
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Yes, I have written three different books on here...all beginning with chapter one of course. It only makes sense. I don't get it. I asked Tom too. Waiting for an answer. I will let you know if I hear anything new. :) Bob
