The End of the Story
There is always an end to the story, eventually.34 total reviews
Comment from ScarBundy
What a powerful story. First, thank you for sharing what had to have been and seems to still be a painful journey. In the beginning, I wondered where the fight for your life segment was going to come into play. Not only did you succeed at meeting the contest parameters, but you also told your story with enough suspense to leave the reader hooked on every word. It was not the ending I expected. I'm sure you didn't expect it either. I urge you to continue to be empowered by those around you who love and care about you. And keep writing! You're good at it.
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What a powerful story. First, thank you for sharing what had to have been and seems to still be a painful journey. In the beginning, I wondered where the fight for your life segment was going to come into play. Not only did you succeed at meeting the contest parameters, but you also told your story with enough suspense to leave the reader hooked on every word. It was not the ending I expected. I'm sure you didn't expect it either. I urge you to continue to be empowered by those around you who love and care about you. And keep writing! You're good at it.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
Comment from Judy Couch
This is depressing. I can't begin to imagine how you felt. He never really wanted to be married or to be a parent. He just wanted to play. How sad.
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This is depressing. I can't begin to imagine how you felt. He never really wanted to be married or to be a parent. He just wanted to play. How sad.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
Comment from Jackarrie
This is such a sad story and it is well written I could feel all of your pain and heartache. He fell in love with someone else, I am sure he never wanted to hurt you. You appear to be a brave person and you still love him after it all.
I wish you the very best of luck in the contest. Mary
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This is such a sad story and it is well written I could feel all of your pain and heartache. He fell in love with someone else, I am sure he never wanted to hurt you. You appear to be a brave person and you still love him after it all.
I wish you the very best of luck in the contest. Mary
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
Comment from Halfree
It's a good story but...always the but... needs some editing. Lots of stuff thrown in that slows the story and adds little to it. Some expressions like "were both",,, both adds clutter, maybe "We were..."
High school sweetheart, Sue, no need to name her, naming does not move things along.
The story is cluttered with information that adds little to the story.
Last paragraph filled with :Had's...He had been seeing and so on.
Think you have a good story, needs some rewrite.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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It's a good story but...always the but... needs some editing. Lots of stuff thrown in that slows the story and adds little to it. Some expressions like "were both",,, both adds clutter, maybe "We were..."
High school sweetheart, Sue, no need to name her, naming does not move things along.
The story is cluttered with information that adds little to the story.
Last paragraph filled with :Had's...He had been seeing and so on.
Think you have a good story, needs some rewrite.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
Comment from mfowler
I'm quite blown away by the intensity and emotional despair that emerges from your story. It seemed on the surface that you'd found the right man, bore him children, and then deserved a measure of his time as you raised the family. But he wasn't there, too busy to deal with his emotions or let the firm down. And then he leaves you. Empty nested and alone. But he has a woman, a wealthy one at that. And then he gets terribly sick. Despite what you do for him in those final months, he leaves the debts and half the money to her. This is just so unfair and tragic. Your storytelling is quite compelling throughout. I think the detail alone would engage a reader but this is well written and draws the reader close to the detail. I still feel very sorry for you. I hope readers judge this well for you.
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I'm quite blown away by the intensity and emotional despair that emerges from your story. It seemed on the surface that you'd found the right man, bore him children, and then deserved a measure of his time as you raised the family. But he wasn't there, too busy to deal with his emotions or let the firm down. And then he leaves you. Empty nested and alone. But he has a woman, a wealthy one at that. And then he gets terribly sick. Despite what you do for him in those final months, he leaves the debts and half the money to her. This is just so unfair and tragic. Your storytelling is quite compelling throughout. I think the detail alone would engage a reader but this is well written and draws the reader close to the detail. I still feel very sorry for you. I hope readers judge this well for you.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2016
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
What a remarkable story of a man who lived a double life. I wish to say you're the only one who's been through this, but that would be an untruth, and that's why this story was a good one for you to share. You showed a remarkable ability to forgive, and that's a rare thing these days.
The story was very well written, and flawless in form and execution.
Well done,
Rhonda
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What a remarkable story of a man who lived a double life. I wish to say you're the only one who's been through this, but that would be an untruth, and that's why this story was a good one for you to share. You showed a remarkable ability to forgive, and that's a rare thing these days.
The story was very well written, and flawless in form and execution.
Well done,
Rhonda
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
Comment from barkingdog
This had to be very difficult for you to write. So many years of devotion on your part and he was never really part of it all. He was almost like a visitor/a house guest that came an went as he pleased.
To take care of him in his final months was a brave and caring thing to do.
Good luck in the contest.
:) ellen
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This had to be very difficult for you to write. So many years of devotion on your part and he was never really part of it all. He was almost like a visitor/a house guest that came an went as he pleased.
To take care of him in his final months was a brave and caring thing to do.
Good luck in the contest.
:) ellen
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
Comment from Spitfire
Sounds as if Mike married you on the rebound and maybe vice versa. I'm touched by your devotion to a man who didn't deserve. It's a sad but interesting story, but some sentences are awkward: Two examples.
He was getting over being left by his high school girlfriend
Eventually, I began longing for his retirement so that I would finally get to spend time with, and have my husband back
Skill wise, you need to use more active voice. Highlight the many times you repeat 'was' and 'were.' Let nouns do the action, not receive it.
Example:
We married soon after graduation because he got a great job in Iowa. We WERE inseparable by then. I WAS a high school teacher, so I could work anywhere. We moved every couple of years until we WERE placed at corporate in Minneapolis
We married soon after graduation because he got a great (maybe high-paying?) job in Iowa. With a teacher certificate,I could work anywhere. Since we moved every two years, we became inseparable. Years later, after two children, we settled down in Minneapolis.
Aside from honing your writing skills, the story held my attention. I could feel your grief and later hostility toward Sue. I hope it works out in the end.
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Sounds as if Mike married you on the rebound and maybe vice versa. I'm touched by your devotion to a man who didn't deserve. It's a sad but interesting story, but some sentences are awkward: Two examples.
He was getting over being left by his high school girlfriend
Eventually, I began longing for his retirement so that I would finally get to spend time with, and have my husband back
Skill wise, you need to use more active voice. Highlight the many times you repeat 'was' and 'were.' Let nouns do the action, not receive it.
Example:
We married soon after graduation because he got a great job in Iowa. We WERE inseparable by then. I WAS a high school teacher, so I could work anywhere. We moved every couple of years until we WERE placed at corporate in Minneapolis
We married soon after graduation because he got a great (maybe high-paying?) job in Iowa. With a teacher certificate,I could work anywhere. Since we moved every two years, we became inseparable. Years later, after two children, we settled down in Minneapolis.
Aside from honing your writing skills, the story held my attention. I could feel your grief and later hostility toward Sue. I hope it works out in the end.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
Comment from MissMerri
I can't imagine a more painful story to tell. This was so sad, but you told it incredibly well, with enough details to make the scenes clear and the story understandable. Sue came back into his life after he had married you, it seems. What a pitiful mess! My heart goes out to you. You showed true love and compassion and I commend you for that. I hope this does well in the contest. I really liked how you told this.
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I can't imagine a more painful story to tell. This was so sad, but you told it incredibly well, with enough details to make the scenes clear and the story understandable. Sue came back into his life after he had married you, it seems. What a pitiful mess! My heart goes out to you. You showed true love and compassion and I commend you for that. I hope this does well in the contest. I really liked how you told this.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
Comment from foxangie123
Yes so true there is truly an end to each living thing that does begin. That is so very true indeed. Great penning indeed. Way to go. I thought of those I lost recently.
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Yes so true there is truly an end to each living thing that does begin. That is so very true indeed. Great penning indeed. Way to go. I thought of those I lost recently.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
