Bittersweet Revenge
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Bittersweet Revenge"She's back ready for revenge.
12 total reviews
Comment from Natali Holden
First of all, I absolutely love your title! I am sure this will be a magnificent book. The girl seemed a little unsure to me, as if she might later regret it. This chapter definitely makes me want answers, so I look forward to reading the ones you've already posted and those you haven't as well. Keep up the good work!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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First of all, I absolutely love your title! I am sure this will be a magnificent book. The girl seemed a little unsure to me, as if she might later regret it. This chapter definitely makes me want answers, so I look forward to reading the ones you've already posted and those you haven't as well. Keep up the good work!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for your great review. The killer is on a mission to save little girls from being hurt the way she was. She takes down quite a few. As her confidence builds she gets very creative.
Thank you again for all your support, so glad to see you back, take care.
Comment from Dan Diego
You posted Chapter 2 today, so I went back to look at Chapter 1. Here's my notes:
Your wrote: "eloquently"
Did you mean: "elegantly" ?
You wrote: "Unlocking the back door..."
I suggest: Mystery readers will not believe this. How did she get the key? Perhaps, that's a clue waiting down the line, but I don't believe it. Especially after Max paid such close attention to the locks in the beginning.
You wrote: "coast is clear"
I suggest: No cliches. Editors hate them.
You wrote: "Pulling out a knife, she brings it..."
Then: A new paragraph
Ten, your wrote: Max is woken by pain..."
I suggest: This is head-hopping and a break in point of view. Consider a break between those two paragraphs. I think you use ***
You wrote: "...cries, helpless lying on..."
I suggest: You reread this whole sentence again, something is missing or out of place. It slowed me down.
Assuming you are looking for constructive feedback, I'll include my overall impression. It is good writing, well-plotted, and very readable. It measures Grade 4 on the Readability scale - that does not mean you write like a 4th grader. A 4th grade reading level is perfect for mystery and crime fiction. I stopped counting at about 29 adverbs. This is typically and indication that the writer is telling and not showing. Sometimes, it helps me to change each crummy little adverb into some form of showing. Your sentences are precise and only a few are hard.
During the stabbing scene, while inside Max's head, you do use "her" which could imply he knows its a female. Not likely that he would know. That scene might need some housekeeping.
I noticed you chose present tense, probably to add immediacy. You seemed to stick to it throughout this chapter.
If the goal of the mystery writer is to create questions in the reader's mind, then you have a lot in here. Of course, the big one is, what is the real relationship between this woman and Max.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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You posted Chapter 2 today, so I went back to look at Chapter 1. Here's my notes:
Your wrote: "eloquently"
Did you mean: "elegantly" ?
You wrote: "Unlocking the back door..."
I suggest: Mystery readers will not believe this. How did she get the key? Perhaps, that's a clue waiting down the line, but I don't believe it. Especially after Max paid such close attention to the locks in the beginning.
You wrote: "coast is clear"
I suggest: No cliches. Editors hate them.
You wrote: "Pulling out a knife, she brings it..."
Then: A new paragraph
Ten, your wrote: Max is woken by pain..."
I suggest: This is head-hopping and a break in point of view. Consider a break between those two paragraphs. I think you use ***
You wrote: "...cries, helpless lying on..."
I suggest: You reread this whole sentence again, something is missing or out of place. It slowed me down.
Assuming you are looking for constructive feedback, I'll include my overall impression. It is good writing, well-plotted, and very readable. It measures Grade 4 on the Readability scale - that does not mean you write like a 4th grader. A 4th grade reading level is perfect for mystery and crime fiction. I stopped counting at about 29 adverbs. This is typically and indication that the writer is telling and not showing. Sometimes, it helps me to change each crummy little adverb into some form of showing. Your sentences are precise and only a few are hard.
During the stabbing scene, while inside Max's head, you do use "her" which could imply he knows its a female. Not likely that he would know. That scene might need some housekeeping.
I noticed you chose present tense, probably to add immediacy. You seemed to stick to it throughout this chapter.
If the goal of the mystery writer is to create questions in the reader's mind, then you have a lot in here. Of course, the big one is, what is the real relationship between this woman and Max.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your generous, extremely helpful, detailed review. I've fixed these mistakes and will try not to repeat them in the third chapter.
Thank you again, take care
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
Even though there is lots going on here, it is written well enough to follow easily as the transitions are smooth and seamless throughout. I found no obvious SPAG making the read easier. It progresses nicely and is descriptively engaging. Nicely done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
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Even though there is lots going on here, it is written well enough to follow easily as the transitions are smooth and seamless throughout. I found no obvious SPAG making the read easier. It progresses nicely and is descriptively engaging. Nicely done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
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Thank you for such a nice review, I'm glad you liked it. This was my first published book. Although it' been edited dozens of times it still has a special place in my heart.
Thank you again for a great review, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
my goodness you got me going with all the action going on, I had to slow down
Great thrilling action with the thought of revenge ending up wondering the killer meant by saying,
" I guess there's always the next one."
Gert
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2017
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Hello Mistydawn
my goodness you got me going with all the action going on, I had to slow down
Great thrilling action with the thought of revenge ending up wondering the killer meant by saying,
" I guess there's always the next one."
Gert
Comment Written 10-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2017
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Thank you for reading my story, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Oh, the killer is on one heck of a killing spree. She even gets creative with her stagging bodies midway through, lol.
Thank you again for your wonderful review and all your support, they mean a lot to me, take care.
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You are welcome Mistydawn
it must be difficult for you to figure out what her killing spree is going to be
Gert
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Misty
= Hey, this is a great start to you novel.
= I always enjoy the read when it starts out with some action.
= Great job, my friend. Looking forward to the next chapter.
= Double-check the next you post a chapter, to make sure I've received it.
= Still not sure why I didn't get this one. (*<*)
Cheers, J
*** Merry Christmas & Happy New Year ***
(*.*) A Smile Is Just A Smile Turned Upside-down (*.*)
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
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Hi, Misty
= Hey, this is a great start to you novel.
= I always enjoy the read when it starts out with some action.
= Great job, my friend. Looking forward to the next chapter.
= Double-check the next you post a chapter, to make sure I've received it.
= Still not sure why I didn't get this one. (*<*)
Cheers, J
*** Merry Christmas & Happy New Year ***
(*.*) A Smile Is Just A Smile Turned Upside-down (*.*)
Comment Written 09-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your great review and continuous support it always means a lot to me. I was told you have to use a revived promotion and I used the treasure chest instead so that might have been why.
Thanks again for your great review, take care.
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I have never reposted anything, so I'm not sure how that works. See, you can teach me something new. (*<*)
Comment from giraffmang
Good start too the piece. Nice opening paragraph and some good elements of description. Tension is taut.
so strange with his girl's away - just a plural here - girls.
Bonnie, his beautiful wife of 14 years - generally speaking it is better and more accepted to spell out lower numbers such as this.
Both girls ranked top dancers in their ballet class, - you could omit dancers here as it would be inferred.
How did the woman access the house so easily if Max had double-checked the locks before bed?
loose board creaks underneath her feet - perhaps beneath?
The doors appear to be locked when Max tries to get out but not when the intruder got in and she didn't appear to lock them. It may be different doors but this is not stressed. It would seem odd for Max to double check the one door but not another.
Max commands, Opening the metal gate - opening.
he workes his way down the dark - works.
The clouds move across the moon, making it easier to see - do you mean move away from the moon?
when she's met by four glowing red eyes. - how would they be glowing red? If it's by moonlight they'd glint or be dark.
that are scattered haphazardly across his desk - you don't really need haphazardly here as scattered covers this. One doesn't normally scatter in an orderly fashion.
Sergeant Bower Speaking - speaking.
watched the blood gush out of his body as she stabs him over - should be 'she stabbed him' to preserve the tense.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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Good start too the piece. Nice opening paragraph and some good elements of description. Tension is taut.
so strange with his girl's away - just a plural here - girls.
Bonnie, his beautiful wife of 14 years - generally speaking it is better and more accepted to spell out lower numbers such as this.
Both girls ranked top dancers in their ballet class, - you could omit dancers here as it would be inferred.
How did the woman access the house so easily if Max had double-checked the locks before bed?
loose board creaks underneath her feet - perhaps beneath?
The doors appear to be locked when Max tries to get out but not when the intruder got in and she didn't appear to lock them. It may be different doors but this is not stressed. It would seem odd for Max to double check the one door but not another.
Max commands, Opening the metal gate - opening.
he workes his way down the dark - works.
The clouds move across the moon, making it easier to see - do you mean move away from the moon?
when she's met by four glowing red eyes. - how would they be glowing red? If it's by moonlight they'd glint or be dark.
that are scattered haphazardly across his desk - you don't really need haphazardly here as scattered covers this. One doesn't normally scatter in an orderly fashion.
Sergeant Bower Speaking - speaking.
watched the blood gush out of his body as she stabs him over - should be 'she stabbed him' to preserve the tense.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your very helpful review and generous four-star. It seems that I'm regressing into old habits, not good at all.
Thank you again for such helpful advice, take care.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
This is an intense and action packed story.
Well written and well done.
Bitter sweet revenge for sure.
The story is easy to follow and clear.
Well done.
Sharon
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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This is an intense and action packed story.
Well written and well done.
Bitter sweet revenge for sure.
The story is easy to follow and clear.
Well done.
Sharon
Comment Written 07-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for such a nice, review, such wonderful praise. I am so glad you enjoyed it, take care.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks a 14-year old mother girl being a constantly victimized, there is natural outcome of bittersweet revenge for having a relation, murder is the fruition; I like. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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This speaks a 14-year old mother girl being a constantly victimized, there is natural outcome of bittersweet revenge for having a relation, murder is the fruition; I like. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 07-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your nice review, I'm glad you enjoyed it and that the plot seems real, relatable.
Thank you again for all your support, take care.
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Well okay then. This is a very intriguing story. It had me at the edge of my seat the whole time. You are quite the mystery novel Writer and very popular too. I see that you have written a number of books and WOW you received many outstanding reviews.
I hope that Max survives his attack. I was happy to read that he was found yet still breathing. Even if he is a jerk I don't feel that he should die for this reason. Misery would catch up to him like it does for others like him.
Any way I found this story to be very well written and very interesting. I see that you have 2 other chapters so I will continue to read it to completion. If I don't complete it tonight then I will finish reading it by tomorrow.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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Well okay then. This is a very intriguing story. It had me at the edge of my seat the whole time. You are quite the mystery novel Writer and very popular too. I see that you have written a number of books and WOW you received many outstanding reviews.
I hope that Max survives his attack. I was happy to read that he was found yet still breathing. Even if he is a jerk I don't feel that he should die for this reason. Misery would catch up to him like it does for others like him.
Any way I found this story to be very well written and very interesting. I see that you have 2 other chapters so I will continue to read it to completion. If I don't complete it tonight then I will finish reading it by tomorrow.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your fantastic review and your wonderful praise. It's reviews like you that make the blood sweat and tears worthwhile. In fact, you made my week, so thank you so much for that.
Max survives his attack but her other victims aren't as lucky. See, this is the beginning of a 15 chapter story. I haven't posted the rest of it on fan story yet. If you'd like to read the rest of it go to https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/58532956-bittersweet-revenge It's also a free reading website, not as good as fan story.
Thanks again for your wonderful review and all your praise, take care.
Comment from Lu Saluna
Not too many women turn on their husbands and kill them. This Max was a real brute.
A really fantastic story, I am scared of this lady, Bonnie! But she was protecting her family and did her best to look out for herself and her girls.
Nicely done.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2016
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Not too many women turn on their husbands and kill them. This Max was a real brute.
A really fantastic story, I am scared of this lady, Bonnie! But she was protecting her family and did her best to look out for herself and her girls.
Nicely done.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2016
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I Think I've confused you. Bonnie is not the killer someone else is. See she is getting revenge on Max for not helping her mother when the killer was little. Maybe I should put in the killers mom's name add more detail to make it less confusing. I can't give you the killer's name because she ends up being a serial killer getting revenge on everyone that hurt her.
"I'll reread it again see if I can clarify what I meant ok. If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them. Ideas from the readers perspective is always helpful. That's why I'm here to learn and grow as a writer.
