The Secret
Being truthful has its dangers.8 total reviews
Comment from winnona
A very well - written contest entry. I think you completed the challenge of this contest very well. Your story is very imaginative creative and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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A very well - written contest entry. I think you completed the challenge of this contest very well. Your story is very imaginative creative and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Winnona. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from aryr
This was very delightful to read and truly enjoyable. I guess we all have our secrets, and some people have difficulty with them. I guess the old saying 'to thy own self be true'; comes into play. Good job, thanks.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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This was very delightful to read and truly enjoyable. I guess we all have our secrets, and some people have difficulty with them. I guess the old saying 'to thy own self be true'; comes into play. Good job, thanks.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.
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you are very welcome.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Very good story. You should have entered this in the contest. There is a contest to write story that begins with the sentence, "There was a knock on the door." When I post I always look first to see if it fits contest.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Very good story. You should have entered this in the contest. There is a contest to write story that begins with the sentence, "There was a knock on the door." When I post I always look first to see if it fits contest.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Hi Thomas. This is a contest entry... I hope.
Thanks for reading.
Comment from Craigitar
Well written little story. Very readable. I certainly didn't see the story ending as it did--good job surprising me. Luck with the prompt.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Well written little story. Very readable. I certainly didn't see the story ending as it did--good job surprising me. Luck with the prompt.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, well that ended kind of like one would expect. A very well written scene and a good idea from the limited prompt. I think this will do well.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Hmm, well that ended kind of like one would expect. A very well written scene and a good idea from the limited prompt. I think this will do well.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Thanks for reading.
Comment from Kooky Clown
a lovely story with a lovely twist at the end I must admit it was not the ending I was expecting, I really thought that Tom was going to scoop her up ad put her in a jar or something similar so it was a pleasure to have a kind of happy ending.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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a lovely story with a lovely twist at the end I must admit it was not the ending I was expecting, I really thought that Tom was going to scoop her up ad put her in a jar or something similar so it was a pleasure to have a kind of happy ending.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Yeah, it's kind of happy. I think he'll come back. Thanks for reading.
Comment from Alex Rosel
He was a very sweet guy. Uncomplicated. - Foreshadowing? If so, good.
It was cold, so we just spread a blanket on the sand and sat on it wearing sweaters. - I'd nix the first clause, It was cold here. Don't spoon feed the reader. They'll understand it was cold, or chilly, from the wearing sweaters.
A tiny little plane was flying over us - It's obvious what you mean but, to be pedantic, you've written this incorrectly. The plane isn't tiny, it just high in the sky. And, even if you still actually do want to use tiny, nix the little. It's redundant. Have you ever seen a a big little plane?
Mary, will you marry me? ... 'Yes, of course,' I said and I hugged him. - There's an continuity in your storyline here. Only a few paragraphs back you wrote: We were friends with benefits, as people say, but not much more. Why the of course?
'Biscuit?' / 'Only if you have the ginger ones I like.' / 'I do.' - This is a neat little aside to add to the dialogue. It gives insight into the relationship :-)
Indeed, you handle the entire dialogue well. You don't include unnecessary tags, and yet the dynamics of the conversation is clear.
The conclusion has a gentle twist. I like it.
Overall:
This is an easy to read piece. You have a nice flowing writer's voice. It's certainly better than the other couple of entries I've read for this contest. With a bit of revision and editing, this could garner a six star rating from me. Well done and good luck when the voting booth opens.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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He was a very sweet guy. Uncomplicated. - Foreshadowing? If so, good.
It was cold, so we just spread a blanket on the sand and sat on it wearing sweaters. - I'd nix the first clause, It was cold here. Don't spoon feed the reader. They'll understand it was cold, or chilly, from the wearing sweaters.
A tiny little plane was flying over us - It's obvious what you mean but, to be pedantic, you've written this incorrectly. The plane isn't tiny, it just high in the sky. And, even if you still actually do want to use tiny, nix the little. It's redundant. Have you ever seen a a big little plane?
Mary, will you marry me? ... 'Yes, of course,' I said and I hugged him. - There's an continuity in your storyline here. Only a few paragraphs back you wrote: We were friends with benefits, as people say, but not much more. Why the of course?
'Biscuit?' / 'Only if you have the ginger ones I like.' / 'I do.' - This is a neat little aside to add to the dialogue. It gives insight into the relationship :-)
Indeed, you handle the entire dialogue well. You don't include unnecessary tags, and yet the dynamics of the conversation is clear.
The conclusion has a gentle twist. I like it.
Overall:
This is an easy to read piece. You have a nice flowing writer's voice. It's certainly better than the other couple of entries I've read for this contest. With a bit of revision and editing, this could garner a six star rating from me. Well done and good luck when the voting booth opens.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Thanks for your review and your comments .
Only one thing: I actually meant the plane was small, not high up in the sky.
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Hi again. In that case, if this was mine, I'd have used a small biplane or something similar to avoid ambiguity. :-)
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True.Anyway, I'm sorry to be stubborn but I like the sound of tiny little plane.
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:-)
Comment from heyjude
Mj this is a great entry for the contest. You had me interested in what she was going to tell him. I'm with Josh. I'd run away, too. It makes me think of the television series Bewitched.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Mj this is a great entry for the contest. You had me interested in what she was going to tell him. I'm with Josh. I'd run away, too. It makes me think of the television series Bewitched.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much for reading.
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You're welcome. Judy
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I've just looked at your profile and I'm intrigued. What exactly do you mean when you include prison in your interests? Do you volunteer there ?
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Yes, I go in with 4 other women and teach New Life Behavior classes. Judy
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That's great!
