Yes, Seriously!
3rd person omniscient-Potlatch challenge26 total reviews
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
mikey....no fair hypnotizing the reader into giving you (a well-deserved!) the six-star rating I am giving this! lol. Great writing...truly enjoyed this short story and the characters and how you used your POV's to make great sense out of all this craziness. Thoroughly enjoyed this work very much. Easy to see why it won!!!! God bless and hugs, Susanne
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mikey....no fair hypnotizing the reader into giving you (a well-deserved!) the six-star rating I am giving this! lol. Great writing...truly enjoyed this short story and the characters and how you used your POV's to make great sense out of all this craziness. Thoroughly enjoyed this work very much. Easy to see why it won!!!! God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
Comment from I am Cat
LOL, you're a nut... (I know that because you're my twin) this is awesomely written... after about six of those 'seriouslys" I seriously started to get annoyed, and then, I started to expect it. By about the twentieth one, I was flat out smiling. lol
congratulations on your win, MIkey. This is a 'seriously' fun entry. ;)
lol
Just a few things that no one else has stopped to consider:
Gloria retrieved her weapon and yelled freeze(,) firing a shot in the air.
Screw that. "I'm the force behind all of you. I'm Third Person Omniscient Point of View. You don't talk, poop, move, think or do a damn thing if I don't sidle up beside you and do it for you. Get it, Gloria? Seriously."
(lol... seriously?) ;)
Her luscious breasts were hypnotic and Francois couldn't keep his eyes off [of] them.
(I don't think you need BOTH prepositions (depending on the actual size of the breasts, of course) lol
"Hey. Stop this. You('re) killing Francois.
Great job! And congrats!
Cat
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LOL, you're a nut... (I know that because you're my twin) this is awesomely written... after about six of those 'seriouslys" I seriously started to get annoyed, and then, I started to expect it. By about the twentieth one, I was flat out smiling. lol
congratulations on your win, MIkey. This is a 'seriously' fun entry. ;)
lol
Just a few things that no one else has stopped to consider:
Gloria retrieved her weapon and yelled freeze(,) firing a shot in the air.
Screw that. "I'm the force behind all of you. I'm Third Person Omniscient Point of View. You don't talk, poop, move, think or do a damn thing if I don't sidle up beside you and do it for you. Get it, Gloria? Seriously."
(lol... seriously?) ;)
Her luscious breasts were hypnotic and Francois couldn't keep his eyes off [of] them.
(I don't think you need BOTH prepositions (depending on the actual size of the breasts, of course) lol
"Hey. Stop this. You('re) killing Francois.
Great job! And congrats!
Cat
Comment Written 17-Sep-2016
Comment from dragonpoet
Vey humble aren't you. Maybe some people don't give you a six only because you ask for it.
I think this is an imaginative way to let us know the author, and not the character, rules the action in a book or images in a poem.
It is a good conspiratorial ending to a story.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
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Vey humble aren't you. Maybe some people don't give you a six only because you ask for it.
I think this is an imaginative way to let us know the author, and not the character, rules the action in a book or images in a poem.
It is a good conspiratorial ending to a story.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
Comment from Mark Valentine
No, your omniscience does not extenf to my mouse - it's just that this truly merits a six (and also a Story of the Month award). Truly one of the most creative pieces I've read on the site. Reminds me of the Magic Realism pieces that I read in college. I love that, not only does the writer enter the story, but he throws in a little sexual harrassment just to show 'em who's boss - laughed out loud at that part. Extremely clever and well-written.
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No, your omniscience does not extenf to my mouse - it's just that this truly merits a six (and also a Story of the Month award). Truly one of the most creative pieces I've read on the site. Reminds me of the Magic Realism pieces that I read in college. I love that, not only does the writer enter the story, but he throws in a little sexual harrassment just to show 'em who's boss - laughed out loud at that part. Extremely clever and well-written.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
Comment from Contests
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 A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review. |
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
Comment from Sankey
WOw! Definitely a Mikey strikey! What! Sadly no spags what's with you these days? Got a good spell checker or something? Fs's ain't no good fer shore. Good luck in the comp mate. Can't say how much longer i am staying.
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WOw! Definitely a Mikey strikey! What! Sadly no spags what's with you these days? Got a good spell checker or something? Fs's ain't no good fer shore. Good luck in the comp mate. Can't say how much longer i am staying.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2016
Comment from Dustybones
I'll spare six for you MC. Great fun. I only wish I knew what the heck to write about! And 3rd OMNI...like WTH. So I goofed big time, wrote a story, had to spend more time editing it to 1st OMNI....But at least I think it is that.pov?..if not anything else. Grrrrr. Oh BTW your post was cool! ESPECIALLY cause u picked on Goria! LOL. Dustybones
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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I'll spare six for you MC. Great fun. I only wish I knew what the heck to write about! And 3rd OMNI...like WTH. So I goofed big time, wrote a story, had to spend more time editing it to 1st OMNI....But at least I think it is that.pov?..if not anything else. Grrrrr. Oh BTW your post was cool! ESPECIALLY cause u picked on Goria! LOL. Dustybones
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Thanks a million, Boyd. I think I've got this down pretty well now. Believe me, this is about my fifth attempt. I had several "What the hell are you doing"s myself. HAHAHA! So, don't sweat it. Just keep posting and they'll help and it all sinks in. Well, I picked on Gloria's character. I'd never pick on Gloria, she's too wonderful. :)) Is she looking? mikey
Comment from F. Wehr3
Ahem, Mr. Cahill, this is precisely why I suggested a female character for you that could not a lesbian or bisexual, lol. Really fun read. I have a few minor and one structural suggestion. Consider the following.
His face took on a look of surprise mixed with pure hatred and he lurched forward spasmodically.--I've noted several of these type of examples. I probably missed a few. When you have two complete sentences (independent clauses), you need more than a conjunction for punctuation. A comma/ conjunction, a semi-colon, or a period. All of these can be easily fixed by putting a comma before the conjunction. F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so)
Her hands were steady and her voice was firm and authoritative.
All three ran into the short rail that lined the rooftop and it gave way. Francois grabbed a portion of the rail still attached to the roof and Michele grabbed on to his belt buckle holding on for dear life.-- for this paragraph you multiple actions by multiple characters, it can be jarring. On a technical level, when a different character performs an action, a separate paragraph is needed. My suggestion is to separate Edgar's action from this paragraph.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Ahem, Mr. Cahill, this is precisely why I suggested a female character for you that could not a lesbian or bisexual, lol. Really fun read. I have a few minor and one structural suggestion. Consider the following.
His face took on a look of surprise mixed with pure hatred and he lurched forward spasmodically.--I've noted several of these type of examples. I probably missed a few. When you have two complete sentences (independent clauses), you need more than a conjunction for punctuation. A comma/ conjunction, a semi-colon, or a period. All of these can be easily fixed by putting a comma before the conjunction. F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so)
Her hands were steady and her voice was firm and authoritative.
All three ran into the short rail that lined the rooftop and it gave way. Francois grabbed a portion of the rail still attached to the roof and Michele grabbed on to his belt buckle holding on for dear life.-- for this paragraph you multiple actions by multiple characters, it can be jarring. On a technical level, when a different character performs an action, a separate paragraph is needed. My suggestion is to separate Edgar's action from this paragraph.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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I thought you said she could. Well, you underestimated the allure of Gloria. JEESH!!!!!
These are great tips, thank you. So actions are somewhat like dialogue.
Francois grabbed a portion of the rail.
Michele grabbed onto his belt buckle...
Edgar held onto Michelle's foot....
Separate the actions out. Makes sense even looking at my little example.
I learned a lot the last two weeks or so. I've never written a thing in anything but first person. Wow. Almost a million words since I started three years ago. Time for a little variety. LOL mikey
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
LMAO
Seriously? This IS the BEST POV omniscient story EVER! You are a freaking genius. Then you go pretending you are a student. Ha! You can teach Russell a thing or two. LoL
So ... if you were god you would make Gloria say seriously nonstop and then two women would make out in front of you? Yup! That is a guy god for you. LoL
This story is hysterical, sweetie pie, what a great job you did. Bravo! It's the best one in our challenge.
POV made me give you a six, you can thank him.
Gypsy
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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LMAO
Seriously? This IS the BEST POV omniscient story EVER! You are a freaking genius. Then you go pretending you are a student. Ha! You can teach Russell a thing or two. LoL
So ... if you were god you would make Gloria say seriously nonstop and then two women would make out in front of you? Yup! That is a guy god for you. LoL
This story is hysterical, sweetie pie, what a great job you did. Bravo! It's the best one in our challenge.
POV made me give you a six, you can thank him.
Gypsy
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment from LIJ Red
Well, there's no lack of shifting realities here, nor conflict, nor gore.
And that ogre of writers, intruding on the prose, is forced to stand up and take a bow. Penthouse used to have some terrific girlgirl (Vanessa!) pictorials...excellent...
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Well, there's no lack of shifting realities here, nor conflict, nor gore.
And that ogre of writers, intruding on the prose, is forced to stand up and take a bow. Penthouse used to have some terrific girlgirl (Vanessa!) pictorials...excellent...
Comment Written 15-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
