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Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Mansion"Shorter stories
15 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Being an old guy, I don't question the extra-large font, and extra spaces. They help me to read without straining. I enjoyed your story and wish you luck in the contest. :-)
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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Being an old guy, I don't question the extra-large font, and extra spaces. They help me to read without straining. I enjoyed your story and wish you luck in the contest. :-)
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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Thank you, Ric, for giving this a look. I usually inflate my texts to 24. Bill
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Well, I don't want to be a copy cat, but the text is great to read. What is the font? Good luck again in the contest. :-)
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Ariel 24
Comment from emptypage
Damn, man.
I liked this a lot. I love horror. Stephen King is my hero. This story made me LOL several times. Your imagery is outstanding.
I wasn't exactly terrified. At least, not until the last paragraph. I'm not EXACTLY sure what you meant, but the possibilities are endless.
So tell me: What DID you mean? Why was Mills going back?
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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Damn, man.
I liked this a lot. I love horror. Stephen King is my hero. This story made me LOL several times. Your imagery is outstanding.
I wasn't exactly terrified. At least, not until the last paragraph. I'm not EXACTLY sure what you meant, but the possibilities are endless.
So tell me: What DID you mean? Why was Mills going back?
Comment Written 29-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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Mills had been to the mansion before this incident, with similar results. The lure back is fueled by adrenalin, the morbid desire to see havoc wrought, and some link to Dithers that keeps him from becoming a victim. I may expand this story and drop a few more markers pointing to Mills. Thank you for your interest.
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That's what I thought. And that's what scares me.
Comment from liz burgoyne
I was hooked right from the beginning. I enjoyed your horror-filled imagery. I couldn't believe Mills would go back. Perhaps he is a little spirit-driven too!
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2016
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I was hooked right from the beginning. I enjoyed your horror-filled imagery. I couldn't believe Mills would go back. Perhaps he is a little spirit-driven too!
Comment Written 19-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Liz, for the encouraging review. Bill
Comment from light
Although I'm not really into monsters, I was intrigued. At first I thought it was a bad dream. This was the third time he had been to the old house. How many friends has he lost over the years? Your descriptions were good.
Elaine
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
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Although I'm not really into monsters, I was intrigued. At first I thought it was a bad dream. This was the third time he had been to the old house. How many friends has he lost over the years? Your descriptions were good.
Elaine
Comment Written 18-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Elaine, for the excellent review. Bill
Comment from Alex Rosel
Mills was expecting a sign of hope, which wasn't Nick's head rolling by like a hairy soccer ball. - This is a great first sentence. It has impact and intrigues :-)
What he lacked in intellect he made up in sheer mass. - Attitude at its best.
Behemoth - A strong descriptive noun. That gets a thumbs up from me.
"Pogo," said Q, as a command. - Personally, I don't use multifunctional, single sentence dialogue tags.
Crunching like a sack of pretzels... - A good simile with economy of words.
A year later, in a meeting with some freshman college friends, Mills brought up an idea for an adventure. "Let's go and bust up the old Dither mansion! It will be a gas!" - A twist I didn't see coming. Good structuring.
This would be his third trip there. - This rounds your piece of nicely.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. You've mastered the technique of building around a story framework well. I think you could make your prose more powerful by increasing the showing rather than telling. But, this story is structured well with a pleasant cadence. I hope I have the opportunity to read more of your work. Well done.
Keep writing :-)
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
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Mills was expecting a sign of hope, which wasn't Nick's head rolling by like a hairy soccer ball. - This is a great first sentence. It has impact and intrigues :-)
What he lacked in intellect he made up in sheer mass. - Attitude at its best.
Behemoth - A strong descriptive noun. That gets a thumbs up from me.
"Pogo," said Q, as a command. - Personally, I don't use multifunctional, single sentence dialogue tags.
Crunching like a sack of pretzels... - A good simile with economy of words.
A year later, in a meeting with some freshman college friends, Mills brought up an idea for an adventure. "Let's go and bust up the old Dither mansion! It will be a gas!" - A twist I didn't see coming. Good structuring.
This would be his third trip there. - This rounds your piece of nicely.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. You've mastered the technique of building around a story framework well. I think you could make your prose more powerful by increasing the showing rather than telling. But, this story is structured well with a pleasant cadence. I hope I have the opportunity to read more of your work. Well done.
Keep writing :-)
Comment Written 18-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Alex, for the thorough review of this story. The showing and not telling is something I would pay attention to in something longer. Happy day.
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Thank you for your kind comments :-)
Comment from dmt1967
'Mills was expecting a sign of hope, which wasn't Nick's head rolling by like a hairy soccer ball. I WOULD WRITE... 'Mills expected a sign of hope, not Nick's head roll by like a hairy soccer ball.'
'Ã? Separating, they tried to enter theÃ? huge home through different, boarded up passages. There are a few sentences like this.
This is a good story except I would have liked a bit more showing. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
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'Mills was expecting a sign of hope, which wasn't Nick's head rolling by like a hairy soccer ball. I WOULD WRITE... 'Mills expected a sign of hope, not Nick's head roll by like a hairy soccer ball.'
'Ã? Separating, they tried to enter theÃ? huge home through different, boarded up passages. There are a few sentences like this.
This is a good story except I would have liked a bit more showing. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2016
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Thank you, dmt, for the excellent review. If you're referring to the A things, they don't appear on mine. Bill
Comment from Ulla
Hi Bill, a pretty gory story that I really did enjoy to read. I'm not normally into this monster thing, but it caught my attention and I wanted to see what was to happen. I loved the surprise ending. Wonderful. Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Hi Bill, a pretty gory story that I really did enjoy to read. I'm not normally into this monster thing, but it caught my attention and I wanted to see what was to happen. I loved the surprise ending. Wonderful. Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Ulla, for the encouraging review. Bill
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Bill,
Super start to the story with that first line.
I liked this one but there's a couple of things need ironed out. the numbers don't add up and some of the subsequent description.
as the group of a eleven - delete 'a'.
U.Q.ZA? Yakuza... very good! LOL
crow bars - crowbars.
Within an hour the dozen delinquents - there's eleven of them - 1 short. (Mills, Nick, Oscar, Quentin, Pogo, Rinjin, Sinjin, Sing, Tomas, Virgil & Winchell).
In pairs they tried to enter - not possible with 11 people.
Other than this a good, fast-paced tale.
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Hi Bill,
Super start to the story with that first line.
I liked this one but there's a couple of things need ironed out. the numbers don't add up and some of the subsequent description.
as the group of a eleven - delete 'a'.
U.Q.ZA? Yakuza... very good! LOL
crow bars - crowbars.
Within an hour the dozen delinquents - there's eleven of them - 1 short. (Mills, Nick, Oscar, Quentin, Pogo, Rinjin, Sinjin, Sing, Tomas, Virgil & Winchell).
In pairs they tried to enter - not possible with 11 people.
Other than this a good, fast-paced tale.
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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I began with a dozen in mind, but forgot one. Thought I'd eliminated the references to twelve. They're gone now. No 'pairs' either. Thank you for the help. Bill
Comment from Muffins
Leaving the stink of Mill's monstrous deeds to the end felt like a sting that one doesn't feel until hours later. The way the story evolved the reader is left to believe that this is the first time this has happened and Mills escapement would be the end of the story. Then you shock us with this little tidbit of Mills sick advantage and it's so shocking and unique it has to be read over and over again. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Leaving the stink of Mill's monstrous deeds to the end felt like a sting that one doesn't feel until hours later. The way the story evolved the reader is left to believe that this is the first time this has happened and Mills escapement would be the end of the story. Then you shock us with this little tidbit of Mills sick advantage and it's so shocking and unique it has to be read over and over again. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Muffins, for looking for more evidence of Mills' treachery. I planted the line 'second worse decision' for readers like yourself to find upon rereading. I had others that I see now were eliminated while editing to make it less obvious. Whose idea it was to go initially and the convenience of the library shelf for hiding will be enhanced a bit to work better.
Comment from nomi338
Wait. Is he stupid or under the control of the ghost. Sounds like and seems like he is being used to lure unsuspecting fodder to the slaughter that awaits them at the killing site. As horror stories go this one ain't bad.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Wait. Is he stupid or under the control of the ghost. Sounds like and seems like he is being used to lure unsuspecting fodder to the slaughter that awaits them at the killing site. As horror stories go this one ain't bad.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
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Thank you, nomi, for the great review. Bill
