It Does Rain On Parades
A rather scary day this turned out to be43 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello,
I like your story very much; great character development and plot......
I like this .......It was one of those days when we were sure nothing could go wrong. The weather seemed perfect with a cloudless blue sky, and a light Southerly breeze. The humidity was quite high, as well as the temperature, but not abnormally so for the fourth of July. Our parade group, The Pink Posse, was happily loading our horses to head for the Fourth of July Parade.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Hello,
I like your story very much; great character development and plot......
I like this .......It was one of those days when we were sure nothing could go wrong. The weather seemed perfect with a cloudless blue sky, and a light Southerly breeze. The humidity was quite high, as well as the temperature, but not abnormally so for the fourth of July. Our parade group, The Pink Posse, was happily loading our horses to head for the Fourth of July Parade.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I'm so glad you found the story to your liking. We had fun that day anyway.
Comment from TAB_that's me
The weather can be unpredictable. I'm sorry it 'rained on your parade' - literally.
I only have one suggestion:
We women, four of us, ...
I think it would sound a little better with 'We four women' or 'Us four women' - whichever is grammatically correct.
Great entry - good luck.
teresa
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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The weather can be unpredictable. I'm sorry it 'rained on your parade' - literally.
I only have one suggestion:
We women, four of us, ...
I think it would sound a little better with 'We four women' or 'Us four women' - whichever is grammatically correct.
Great entry - good luck.
teresa
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I wrote Us four women the first time and my computer told me it was not correct. I will look at it again. Thanks for the advice.
Comment from mvbrooks
Great title that draws in the reader. the story reminds me of the phrase "these are the times that try souls.
Your description is complete and allows the reader to visualize the event--especially imaging the tent coming to life in the wind.
I appreciate your author notes and wonder how this story would read with polish. The sentence "The weather seemed perfect with a cloudless blue sky, and a light Southerly breeze." would be more effective if you let the reader come to his/her own conclusion and omitted "seemed perfect." A suggestion for future editing is to let the story get "cold" for a day and then re-read it looking for places where you "tell" more than "show" the action and events.
The narration is conversational, as though we were sitting in your kitchen hearing the retelling of this day.
The author's notes telling us that this was a rushed story was pushing me to rate this a 4 -- but, without the notes, I think I would give it a 5 for being complete and descriptive.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Great title that draws in the reader. the story reminds me of the phrase "these are the times that try
Your description is complete and allows the reader to visualize the event--especially imaging the tent coming to life in the wind.
I appreciate your author notes and wonder how this story would read with polish. The sentence "The weather seemed perfect with a cloudless blue sky, and a light Southerly breeze." would be more effective if you let the reader come to his/her own conclusion and omitted "seemed perfect." A suggestion for future editing is to let the story get "cold" for a day and then re-read it looking for places where you "tell" more than "show" the action and events.
The narration is conversational, as though we were sitting in your kitchen hearing the retelling of this day.
The author's notes telling us that this was a rushed story was pushing me to rate this a 4 -- but, without the notes, I think I would give it a 5 for being complete and descriptive.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I see they have extended the contest date so I can do some more revising on the story. I wasn't too happy with it but, like I said , I thought it was due in half an hour so I rushed it.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
The first sentence assures you plenty will go wrong in this story.
Many run-on sentences throughout.
Story would probably read better if they were condensed into shorter, compact ones instead.
Because this is a contest entry you may wish to reconsider that option.
Inevitably it will rain on your parade when you least desire it to.
That never fails.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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The first sentence assures you plenty will go wrong in this story.
Many run-on sentences throughout.
Story would probably read better if they were condensed into shorter, compact ones instead.
Because this is a contest entry you may wish to reconsider that option.
Inevitably it will rain on your parade when you least desire it to.
That never fails.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I wrote this in a terrible rush because FanStory said the deadline was in half an hour. I see it has been extended now so I will revise some of this. I know I have too many run-on sentences in the story. Thanks for the tips and five stars.
Comment from MelB
It sounds like quite a crazy afternoon. I live in Michigan too, so I now how humid it can be and how quickly a storm can come. And hear I thought, raining on the parade was just a saying. This is proof it does actually happen!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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It sounds like quite a crazy afternoon. I live in Michigan too, so I now how humid it can be and how quickly a storm can come. And hear I thought, raining on the parade was just a saying. This is proof it does actually happen!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thank you. It was an interesting day, to say the least. We had fun anyway.
Comment from LIJ Red
Actually the story was long enough. You got all the pertinent data in print, and Fanstory reviewers like 'em short. Of course we know who you are with your love of horses and your pink posse gang. Excellent.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Actually the story was long enough. You got all the pertinent data in print, and Fanstory reviewers like 'em short. Of course we know who you are with your love of horses and your pink posse gang. Excellent.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I'm glad to find someone who agrees with me on the length of the story. You can't imagine how many reviewers have told me it is too short. Maybe it's my fault for mentioning it in my notes. It was a fun day anyhow.
Comment from Tpa
I enjoyed your story and wish you well in the contest. Your descriptions made this reader feel like I was watching the parade. I thought your text was flawless and passionately written GOOD LUCK!!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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I enjoyed your story and wish you well in the contest. Your descriptions made this reader feel like I was watching the parade. I thought your text was flawless and passionately written GOOD LUCK!!
Comment Written 27-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I'm so glad you enjoyed this story. Did you find it to be too short?
Comment from Mary Wakeford
A horrifying situation considering the horses. I've witnessed a few horses getting spooked and that is a lot of horsepower to deal with in an already frightening situation. Your writing is fluid and imagery detailed to the buttons on your costumes. One suggestion to consider:
polished till they almost -> 'til as in until vs. money till
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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A horrifying situation considering the horses. I've witnessed a few horses getting spooked and that is a lot of horsepower to deal with in an already frightening situation. Your writing is fluid and imagery detailed to the buttons on your costumes. One suggestion to consider:
polished till they almost -> 'til as in until vs. money till
Comment Written 27-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Thank you. Thanks for the tip, I will edit and correct. Hugs.
Comment from Spitfire
The horses look so cute with the pink leggings. Bet they were disappointed too. Actually, you're lucky that no one got hurt. Excellent work of showing the time spent in getting ready. That made the downpour even more tragic.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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The horses look so cute with the pink leggings. Bet they were disappointed too. Actually, you're lucky that no one got hurt. Excellent work of showing the time spent in getting ready. That made the downpour even more tragic.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Thank you. Yeah, that downpour really raised havoc with our gear and costumes. Those parade saddles had a lot of silver that must be cleaned at once or it would tarnish. We laughed about it later.
Comment from barkingdog
This was a fine story, not too short. You said what needed to be said. I got the fact that everyone had hoped for a clear, sunny day for the parade and instead were faced with wind blowing down pour. The Pink Posse managed to handle their frightened horse and get the back safely to their trailers.
Very nicely written. A little dialogue would have been a welcome addition.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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This was a fine story, not too short. You said what needed to be said. I got the fact that everyone had hoped for a clear, sunny day for the parade and instead were faced with wind blowing down pour. The Pink Posse managed to handle their frightened horse and get the back safely to their trailers.
Very nicely written. A little dialogue would have been a welcome addition.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Thank you. We laughed about the incident later but it was lucky no one got hurt. Horses are hard to handle in situations like we found ourselves in. As you can see, there were two little girls with us too.
