It Does Rain On Parades
A rather scary day this turned out to be43 total reviews
Comment from mfowler
'It rained on our parade.' Very good. This personal reflection on a most inauspicious day is both sad and just a little funny. You tell the tale well in that you set us up for the arrival of the storm by creating a sense of the atmosphere. Your excitement and joy in your riding with your friends is communicated and then the thunder, lightning and wind all of a sudden arrive and stir up everything. I see you noted that this may not be long enough and I understand. There would be a fair bit of scope for expanding the narrative, but this is very well written and engaging anyway. Best of luck.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
  |
'It rained on our parade.' Very good. This personal reflection on a most inauspicious day is both sad and just a little funny. You tell the tale well in that you set us up for the arrival of the storm by creating a sense of the atmosphere. Your excitement and joy in your riding with your friends is communicated and then the thunder, lightning and wind all of a sudden arrive and stir up everything. I see you noted that this may not be long enough and I understand. There would be a fair bit of scope for expanding the narrative, but this is very well written and engaging anyway. Best of luck.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
-
Thank you. I may expand on this story one day soon. For now, I am very tied up with my husband's illness and have very little spare time. I felt the story was cut a little short, but I don't have the time to do over right now.
Comment from sage17611
This is a nice story that works well for this writing prompt. Getting rained on in a parade while riding horses is no fun. It had to be scary, not knowing how the horses would react to noisy thunder. The situation was a perfect example of "raining on a parade." The flow is good with an interesting theme. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
|
This is a nice story that works well for this writing prompt. Getting rained on in a parade while riding horses is no fun. It had to be scary, not knowing how the horses would react to noisy thunder. The situation was a perfect example of "raining on a parade." The flow is good with an interesting theme. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
-
Thank you. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. I still feel that I cut it a little short and maybe will do over at a later date.
Comment from Kate Tompkins
I've spent a bit of time around horses, and I can just imagine what would happen with a tent blowing down the street towards them.
It's a good story, but there were a couple of things that distracted me. The format seems to be "we did this, then we did this, then we did this." A bit of variety might make it flow better. Also, you use "we" in almost every sentence, often to start the sentence, and sometimes several times (you did say you were in a hurry when you wrote it). Perhaps some of the sentences could be reworded to avoid this. Just as an example, you have:
We turned them around and, kept them under control the best we were able while we headed back for our trucks and trailers.
Maybe you could use something like:
Turning them around while fighting to keep them under control, my friends and I headed back...
I liked your ending. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
 |
I've spent a bit of time around horses, and I can just imagine what would happen with a tent blowing down the street towards them.
It's a good story, but there were a couple of things that distracted me. The format seems to be "we did this, then we did this, then we did this." A bit of variety might make it flow better. Also, you use "we" in almost every sentence, often to start the sentence, and sometimes several times (you did say you were in a hurry when you wrote it). Perhaps some of the sentences could be reworded to avoid this. Just as an example, you have:
We turned them around and, kept them under control the best we were able while we headed back for our trucks and trailers.
Maybe you could use something like:
Turning them around while fighting to keep them under control, my friends and I headed back...
I liked your ending. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
-
Thanks. I will look into revising the story a little. I try not to be repetitive but sometimes it happens anyway.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Good story. Even when it rains on your parade, you can still have a good memory of the day. I enjoyed your piece. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
We spent the day before getting our saddles polished until it almost blinded a person to look at them, and made sure every little detail of our costumes matched one another. -- suggest no comma before and as there is no subject. We spent and made sure. The first part starting with getting almost makes me want to put a comma before getting. The way before is used in this sentence, yes, comma before getting.
We always stood out in a parade and, as often as not, we took home the winning trophy. -- suggest moving your comma to before 'and' And becomes a part of your clause for the second sentence.
Following that loud boom, rain began coming down in windblown sheets and, to make matters worse, a tent broke loose and came flying up the street towards us.--Same as above.
We turned them around and, kept them under control the best we were able while we headed back for our trucks and trailers. -- No comma as we performs two actions we turned and kept.
We soggy Pink Posse ladies loaded our equally wet, disgruntled horses, and headed for home. -- no comma after horses. Same as above.
Overall, I enjoyed your story and wish you luck in the contest.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
|
Good story. Even when it rains on your parade, you can still have a good memory of the day. I enjoyed your piece. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
We spent the day before getting our saddles polished until it almost blinded a person to look at them, and made sure every little detail of our costumes matched one another. -- suggest no comma before and as there is no subject. We spent and made sure. The first part starting with getting almost makes me want to put a comma before getting. The way before is used in this sentence, yes, comma before getting.
We always stood out in a parade and, as often as not, we took home the winning trophy. -- suggest moving your comma to before 'and' And becomes a part of your clause for the second sentence.
Following that loud boom, rain began coming down in windblown sheets and, to make matters worse, a tent broke loose and came flying up the street towards us.--Same as above.
We turned them around and, kept them under control the best we were able while we headed back for our trucks and trailers. -- No comma as we performs two actions we turned and kept.
We soggy Pink Posse ladies loaded our equally wet, disgruntled horses, and headed for home. -- no comma after horses. Same as above.
Overall, I enjoyed your story and wish you luck in the contest.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
-
Thank you. Thanks for the tips. Sorry I can't give you a vote as I am out this month.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Well, this was quite a good and unusual story, which is always refreshing (although I imagine it was quite a disappointment for four ladies that day).
Just one small nit, and I'm afraid it's my weakness too, so I'm not able to offer a lot of help, though I'm sure of one place - there's a comma needed after "fun-filled". I think there may be a couple more missing, but wait to hear what the other reviewers say. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
|
Well, this was quite a good and unusual story, which is always refreshing (although I imagine it was quite a disappointment for four ladies that day).
Just one small nit, and I'm afraid it's my weakness too, so I'm not able to offer a lot of help, though I'm sure of one place - there's a comma needed after "fun-filled". I think there may be a couple more missing, but wait to hear what the other reviewers say. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
-
Thank you. It is interesting to see the differences between reviewers. The reviewers just before you told me to remove a lot of the commas in the story. Who knows? I do my best and appreciate any help I can get.
-
You're welcome. At least when I am not sure I will say so - some are sure and WRONG - it's happened to me in past.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Friend,
Nice piece of General Non-Fiction beautifully depicting its theme!
Wording is simple as well as impressive, and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth, spontaneous, and captivating flow from the beginning to the end.
Short and Sweet!
It deserves to be honored with Six Stars, but I think 'No Need to write in this regard.'
[There is nothing to be sad for its shortness. On the contrary, the beauty lies in its being short; it meets the desired norms, 'except the time limit - as you say,' otherwise you might stand as a winner. We learn from our failures, and then succeed in times to come, Best of Luck!]
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
|
Hello Friend,
Nice piece of General Non-Fiction beautifully depicting its theme!
Wording is simple as well as impressive, and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth, spontaneous, and captivating flow from the beginning to the end.
Short and Sweet!
It deserves to be honored with Six Stars, but I think 'No Need to write in this regard.'
[There is nothing to be sad for its shortness. On the contrary, the beauty lies in its being short; it meets the desired norms, 'except the time limit - as you say,' otherwise you might stand as a winner. We learn from our failures, and then succeed in times to come, Best of Luck!]
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
-
Thank you. I agree with you. I think it is better to tell a story in as few words as possible. I knew a lot of the reviewers would tell me to add more to the story so I apologized for it being short ahead of time.
Comment from LisaD123
This clearly fits the prompt and I liked e contrast between things being perfect and then changing. The description is very powerful, and I would love to know what else you would have added if you had had more time available. The reader can clearly picture him/herself in the scene. Good luck for the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
|
This clearly fits the prompt and I liked e contrast between things being perfect and then changing. The description is very powerful, and I would love to know what else you would have added if you had had more time available. The reader can clearly picture him/herself in the scene. Good luck for the contest.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
-
Thank you. I think the story is quiet complete as it is. I could add more but it would still tell the same story. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Comment from c_lucas
Nature has its own mind and will follow its own paths. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
|
Nature has its own mind and will follow its own paths. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
-
Thank you. I'm so glad you found the story enjoyable. We had fun that day despite the weather.
Comment from Delahay
It was indeed "one of those days". Most people use the phrase about it raining on their parade as a metaphor. It looks like you can always use it with meaning. I'm impressed you were able to keep control of the horses as much as you did.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
|
It was indeed "one of those days". Most people use the phrase about it raining on their parade as a metaphor. It looks like you can always use it with meaning. I'm impressed you were able to keep control of the horses as much as you did.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
-
Thank you. It got kind of hairy for a while. We had quite a time keeping the horses calm.
Comment from light
Yes it was one if those days. Nothing like raining on your parade to dampen your spirits. That must have been disappointing.
Elaine
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
|
Yes it was one if those days. Nothing like raining on your parade to dampen your spirits. That must have been disappointing.
Elaine
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
-
Thank you. Actually, we had fun anyway and laughed about it the next day. It was scary at the time but we lilved to tell about it.
