For The Love Of Mayzie
A mother's sacrifice for her child20 total reviews
Comment from MelB
It ended and I wanted to know what happened to Maria. This is a well written flash fiction story, but sad. I know this happens so much out there, maybe not the mob part of it, but the abuse.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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It ended and I wanted to know what happened to Maria. This is a well written flash fiction story, but sad. I know this happens so much out there, maybe not the mob part of it, but the abuse.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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Thank you. Don't despair, I intend to add more to this story later. It's driving me nuts wondering what happens to all of them. Happy ending, or not?
Comment from Dawn Munro
Well, this was quite the compelling story, and it grabbed me by the throat and wouldn't let go until the very last word, which is where I'll begin the tiny critique I'll offer in hopes of helping - I would alter that last sentence slightly = " Whatever Maria's fate (would) turn out to be..." or "Whatever would prove to be Maria's fate..." (The later is my preference - it just seems slightly less awkward.)
One other small suggestion (if it's not too late - it's not a necessity, just a possible added sparkle to a wonderful story) - I would research the symptoms of rat poisoning on a human and branch out in that direction a little, just to add to the suspense and plot action.
Otherwise, it's a great story - believable characters and dialogue, strong narrative voice, a POWERFUL plot = good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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Well, this was quite the compelling story, and it grabbed me by the throat and wouldn't let go until the very last word, which is where I'll begin the tiny critique I'll offer in hopes of helping - I would alter that last sentence slightly = " Whatever Maria's fate (would) turn out to be..." or "Whatever would prove to be Maria's fate..." (The later is my preference - it just seems slightly less awkward.)
One other small suggestion (if it's not too late - it's not a necessity, just a possible added sparkle to a wonderful story) - I would research the symptoms of rat poisoning on a human and branch out in that direction a little, just to add to the suspense and plot action.
Otherwise, it's a great story - believable characters and dialogue, strong narrative voice, a POWERFUL plot = good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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Thank you. How about adding sleeping pills to his last drink? The combination of the two would be more likely to kill Juan: don't you think? I will look at revising the ending, I think there is still time.
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Yes, I think that's a wonderful idea - that way he isn't apt to come after her, or you don't ave to go into his symptoms (like throwing up etc.) when/if he realizes he has been poisoned.
Comment from barkingdog
It's funny how a story will pop in one's head at the last minute, isn't it? And this one is so good.
Maria is a true heroine. She does what we'd all like to do to a father that rapes his daughter and then goes one step further by staying behind to further protect her child.
Your pacing is perfect. Her voice personifies her strength and courage.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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It's funny how a story will pop in one's head at the last minute, isn't it? And this one is so good.
Maria is a true heroine. She does what we'd all like to do to a father that rapes his daughter and then goes one step further by staying behind to further protect her child.
Your pacing is perfect. Her voice personifies her strength and courage.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I was hoping it would be okay because I did it so fast. Glad you approved of it and took the time to read.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow, what a great idea you had. This popped into your head, eh? May I borrow your head sometimes? LOL! Very good story, well written, and entertaining. :)
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Wow, what a great idea you had. This popped into your head, eh? May I borrow your head sometimes? LOL! Very good story, well written, and entertaining. :)
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I don't think you would like my head. Too many crazy stories running around in it all the time. LOL Thanks for taking the time to read.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I enjoyed this piece. I think you did a great job for this competition. I could see this being developed out into a larger work as well. I think it has good legs on it.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Hi there,
I enjoyed this piece. I think you did a great job for this competition. I could see this being developed out into a larger work as well. I think it has good legs on it.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you. Yep, maybe so. I have no idea where the story came from, it was just there. sometimes those are the best.
Comment from light
This is a good entry for the contest. You kept my attention till the end. You left me wondering what happened to Maria.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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This is a good entry for the contest. You kept my attention till the end. You left me wondering what happened to Maria.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you. Maybe I should write more of this story someday when my head decides to tell me what happened to Maria.
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Yes, but I understand what you mean.
Comment from WalkerMan
This is a plausible and effectively told mini-thriller about a mother's self-sacrifice to protect her already abused six-year-old daughter from further harm. The reader feels immersed in the action and sympathetic toward the protagonist, whose decisions seem justified. Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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This is a plausible and effectively told mini-thriller about a mother's self-sacrifice to protect her already abused six-year-old daughter from further harm. The reader feels immersed in the action and sympathetic toward the protagonist, whose decisions seem justified. Well done.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you for taking the time to read. I may add to this story one day when my head tells me what happened to Maria.
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I'm sure it will be interesting when you do. Perhaps the mob capo will turn out to be against child abuse despite his other criminal actions, and will go easy on her if she just returns any evidence of the mob's activities that she may possess (such as cash) and agrees to keep silent and "get lost" like her daughter. Then you could write about how she reunites with her daughter and her struggles to start a new life. Maybe she'll even find a better man who will truly love and respect both her and her daughter.... -- Mike
Comment from Ricky1024
Adjective Content was wonderful as well as Objective Content and based on theme and imagery...
And, on a scale of one to one hundred...
100.
RICKY1024
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Adjective Content was wonderful as well as Objective Content and based on theme and imagery...
And, on a scale of one to one hundred...
100.
RICKY1024
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Ricky. I haven't seen any of your work lately. Are you coming back anytime soon? I miss reading your work.
Comment from Hayley Solomon
Good story, probably a bit too much plot wise for flash fiction, as it could do with being fleshed out, possibly even to a full length novel. You certainly have the elements there, you just need the definitions, the fine tuning of context, all of the sort of things that come with more time to set scenes and realistically elaborate situations.
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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Good story, probably a bit too much plot wise for flash fiction, as it could do with being fleshed out, possibly even to a full length novel. You certainly have the elements there, you just need the definitions, the fine tuning of context, all of the sort of things that come with more time to set scenes and realistically elaborate situations.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you. Yep, your right. It is hard to do a complete story with limited word count. I do the best I can.
Comment from Ginger Banks
A good post; I liked the fact the little one was sent away. There should be a warning for violence on this one. Just a thought, for the thoughts/memories of the agonizing torture this little girl went through... Girls that age are never physically the same after such an atrocious act. The mere mention of it for those who've experienced it, without fore thought or deliberateness, the horrors can come rushing back.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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A good post; I liked the fact the little one was sent away. There should be a warning for violence on this one. Just a thought, for the thoughts/memories of the agonizing torture this little girl went through... Girls that age are never physically the same after such an atrocious act. The mere mention of it for those who've experienced it, without fore thought or deliberateness, the horrors can come rushing back.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you. You're probably right, I should put a warning on this writing. I will go back and do just that. I very seldom write this type of a story and I have no idea where it came from. Thanks for the tip.
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You're welcome, and thank you.
