Tranquil is the goal
Self-improvement poem15 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
I really enjoyed this poem Jesse! You tell a lot about yourself in these lines and you are obviously a very nice person. I like the unobtrusive rhyme pattern you've used here. It is very pleasant and not in the least overpowering your clear and noble message. Very nice!!
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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I really enjoyed this poem Jesse! You tell a lot about yourself in these lines and you are obviously a very nice person. I like the unobtrusive rhyme pattern you've used here. It is very pleasant and not in the least overpowering your clear and noble message. Very nice!!
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Thank you for your positive and supportive review. I am glad you enjoyed the poem. I like your description of my rhyme pattern. I'd like to think I am a nice and noble person. I have my skeletons in my closet like most of us. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
I hope you read my profile note, but it all turned out okay. I was able to borrow the money, from my brother, so that I could continue with my membership with FS. To me, FS is not a necessity, but about 'my quality of life' issue. I find it rewarding to converse online with fellow poets. Especially those who I consider my friends, as I consider you to be. Thanks again for the review. I needed a shot in the arm of positivity and you certainly gave me one!
Peace, Jesse
Comment from jusylee72
Oh heavens this is beautiful. Favorite line.
If I had a dime for every time
I've tried to help someone else
just to learn that I've helped myself
You don't write much in your Profile. Who is this deep thinking man? Many of us would like to know.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Oh heavens this is beautiful. Favorite line.
If I had a dime for every time
I've tried to help someone else
just to learn that I've helped myself
You don't write much in your Profile. Who is this deep thinking man? Many of us would like to know.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much for the Six Star review. I am glad you liked my poem. As far as who I am, I'm a poet following his muse. I appreciate your kind comments. I am a shy loner, who spends time contemplating himself, and the world that surrounds him. Thanks for taking an interest in me. I am flattered. Sorry, it took this long to get back to you. Thanks, again.
Peace, Jesse
Comment from rama devi
I enjoyed your poem. It has a serene tone and smooth flow. Fine voicing. Echoes my own mood too!
Specific notes (section by section):
Good point, well voiced (though the 'if I had a dime' phrasing is a bit cliche, it works here because the point is more prominent than the wording...hope that makes sense?):
If I had a dime for every time
I've tried to help someone else
just to learn that I've helped myself
I'd be a rich and wise man
*however, the use of IMPRESSIONS IN THE SAND is super cliche and I recommend trying to conjure a fresher metaphor:
Just knowing that I can
make and leave an impression in the sand
that outlasts the ebb and flow of the tide
lets me know that I'm alive
for a purpose I cannot visualize
Though the ebb and flow of tide with footprints is cliche, the above stanza has nice musical qualities with assonance of I, consonance of V, L and C and a fine flow too.
Suggest making these two single lines as one two line stanza:
Maybe it's better that way
To prevent the unraveling decay
The random rhyme works well but I think it would be stronger as a couplet. Just my two cents. It's fine to keep separate as well, even though they are in the same sentence. :)
I love the closing...the meaning, the voicing and also how it resonates with exactly where I am at fifty:
I stretch and grow beyond my comfort zone
toward the places in my mind I truly own
Imagining where I want to be
when I turn seventy-three
In a place of tranquility
in my own home
Thanks for inviting me to review this. I enjoyed your poem. I do not usually respond to requests for review because it is not permitted on the site, but since I figure you did not know that, I am making an exception this once. Also, while I do review works for two cents, it is better if you put a certificate on the post if you want more reviews.
I love the title...and would have clicked on this if I stumbled across it.
I am going to fan you, because I like the way you think, but please also be aware that my participation on FS is going to be limited because I am busy editing for paying clients off site and my editing specs need a rest in between. I will visit on occasion and review intermittently.
Blessings,
rd
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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I enjoyed your poem. It has a serene tone and smooth flow. Fine voicing. Echoes my own mood too!
Specific notes (section by section):
Good point, well voiced (though the 'if I had a dime' phrasing is a bit cliche, it works here because the point is more prominent than the wording...hope that makes sense?):
If I had a dime for every time
I've tried to help someone else
just to learn that I've helped myself
I'd be a rich and wise man
*however, the use of IMPRESSIONS IN THE SAND is super cliche and I recommend trying to conjure a fresher metaphor:
Just knowing that I can
make and leave an impression in the sand
that outlasts the ebb and flow of the tide
lets me know that I'm alive
for a purpose I cannot visualize
Though the ebb and flow of tide with footprints is cliche, the above stanza has nice musical qualities with assonance of I, consonance of V, L and C and a fine flow too.
Suggest making these two single lines as one two line stanza:
Maybe it's better that way
To prevent the unraveling decay
The random rhyme works well but I think it would be stronger as a couplet. Just my two cents. It's fine to keep separate as well, even though they are in the same sentence. :)
I love the closing...the meaning, the voicing and also how it resonates with exactly where I am at fifty:
I stretch and grow beyond my comfort zone
toward the places in my mind I truly own
Imagining where I want to be
when I turn seventy-three
In a place of tranquility
in my own home
Thanks for inviting me to review this. I enjoyed your poem. I do not usually respond to requests for review because it is not permitted on the site, but since I figure you did not know that, I am making an exception this once. Also, while I do review works for two cents, it is better if you put a certificate on the post if you want more reviews.
I love the title...and would have clicked on this if I stumbled across it.
I am going to fan you, because I like the way you think, but please also be aware that my participation on FS is going to be limited because I am busy editing for paying clients off site and my editing specs need a rest in between. I will visit on occasion and review intermittently.
Blessings,
rd
Comment Written 27-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thank you for your encouraging review. I agree that the title and the closing are the strongest parts of the poem. I am into the message a lot more than the poetics of my poetry. Many people who read my poetry, don't read any other poetry, so they are not bothered, so much by the cliches, as you seem to be. I have found that one person's cliche, is another person's profound statement, or phrase. Anyway, thanks for your input and suggestions. I am glad you enjoyed the poem and share the way I think with some things. Thank you for fanning me, though I realize you are very busy with other pursuits.
Peace, Jesse
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Thanks for your kind and gracious response. Cliches are cliches for a reason - because they are so apt, they resonate with lots of people over long periods of time. It's fine to use them, but optimal not to (IMHO). They do not 'bother' me, though. I am just offering honest critique as that's what the site is meant to be about!
Warmly, rd
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I have noticed that those ranked in the top ten use life and strife, and other common rhymes. One other point, I use cliches to my advantage, sometimes, by putting a new spin on their meaning, or just because I like to illustrate a point. To shed each, and every cliche, from my work, is not my goal (IMHO). The meaning and message are all important to me. Thanks for understanding.
Jesse
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You are welcome to use as many cliches as you like, just as I am welcome to offer honest feedback about if I think avoiding them might improve your poem.
I wrote plenty of poems with life/strife and love/above in my first ten years of writing poems. Now, I tend to avoid them.
I am simply passing on insights shared with me over many years of reviewing. you are welcome to consider them, ignore them or apply them, as per your wish. You need not get defensive about it. You are not being attacked!
By the way, as you are new and may not be aware of this: The ranking on FS does not relate to *quality* but only the quantity of posts and reviews...so I would not recommend using that yardstick as your measure.
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I am sorry. I felt like my creative choices were being attacked, but I can see that you are trying to help me. I feel like you have your path to follow in writing poetry and I have mine. I know I need help with what you call SPAG, but I feel comfortable with my style of poetry writing, and if all you are doing is splitting hairs by bringing up cliche's that I use, then I feel that my creative style is being addressed. Not my grammar, etc.
Jesse
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Thanks for your apology. It is not splitting hairs but reviewing with integrity. The art of critique embraces both craft and art aspects, and addressing weaknesses in creative style is part of that. I did so in a kind manner and it is NOT an attack. It is an observation. Constructive critique is helpful, not hurtful. You can weigh the feedback and reject it...that is your right...but it is not fair to call it as attack. Anyway, I wish you all the best.
rd
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All the best to you, too.
Jesse
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Big warm smile! :)
Comment from Dawn Munro
Wow. This is simply a marvelous free verse, your use of occasional rhyme so smooth and the overall imagery, while not overdone, quite beautiful - I especially loved the idea of outlasting 'the ebb and flow of the tide' - very evocative, and yes, don't we all wish for some kind of lasting impression left behind, a way for us to be remembered?
Elegant and polished - I loved it!
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Wow. This is simply a marvelous free verse, your use of occasional rhyme so smooth and the overall imagery, while not overdone, quite beautiful - I especially loved the idea of outlasting 'the ebb and flow of the tide' - very evocative, and yes, don't we all wish for some kind of lasting impression left behind, a way for us to be remembered?
Elegant and polished - I loved it!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Wow, I am thrilled at your enthusiastic review. Your kind words have me walking on air! I am so glad you loved my poem and thought it was "Elegant and polished"! These terms are not usually used to describe my poetry. Thank you so much for your 'take' on my poem. You were the only one who mentioned how we all wish to leave a lasting impression and be remembered. Yes, that is my passion--to make a difference in this world. Thank you so much for the Six Star Rating. You have definitely made my day special with your wonderful remarks. Have a great day!
Peace, Jesse
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Oh! I'm delighted you are pleased - the poem is most worthy, IMO. :)
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Thanks. You have really given me a boost of confidence in my ability to write. I appreciate you.
Jesse
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You're very welcome.
Comment from RoostyNester
A place where we all want to be...a place of tranquility! Your poem was very well done in word with smooth rhyme! What a wonderful adventure, if we all knew that our later lives would be at peace with ourselves and the world.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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A place where we all want to be...a place of tranquility! Your poem was very well done in word with smooth rhyme! What a wonderful adventure, if we all knew that our later lives would be at peace with ourselves and the world.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Thank you for the supportive review. I am working hard at my personal growth, along with physical fitness and diet, to achieve a state of being that works for me. To me, it is an adventure--whether it turns out the way I want or not, my aim is tranquility. Thank you for the encouraging comments and compliments. Every good review is a boost for me.
Peace, Jesse
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I'm new too! Everyone in FanStory has been extremely nice and helpful! If you have the desire...and your work shows that you do...then you have the ability to reach for the stars! Have a good day and good luck settling in!
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That wish goes double for you.
Jesse
Comment from Dean Kuch
Better your "own home" than a "rest home" any day, that's for certain, Jesse.
They say a man's home is his castle. If he lives alone as a bachelor he is king of all he purveys.
But, when a man takes on a wife, his "castle" quickly becomes reduced to a mere man cave within that castle. Sort of a ...dungeon, of sorts.
Nice poem, sir.
I enjoyed it very much.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Better your "own home" than a "rest home" any day, that's for certain, Jesse.
They say a man's home is his castle. If he lives alone as a bachelor he is king of all he purveys.
But, when a man takes on a wife, his "castle" quickly becomes reduced to a mere man cave within that castle. Sort of a ...dungeon, of sorts.
Nice poem, sir.
I enjoyed it very much.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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I love the animated outlaw shooting at me! Makes me laugh! You are so right that living alone in my own home has definite advantages. Taking on a wife is not in my plans. Thank you for your insightful review. I am glad you enjoyed it. I am always glad to be reviewed by you.
Peace, Jesse
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My pleasure, Jesse.
You're more than welcome.
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Thanks, Dean!
Jesse
Comment from WalkerMan
Tranquility is a worthy goal, though likely not outwardly attainable while actively helping others. Helping others has a ripple effect like tossing stones into water. As the ones you help to find their own inner strength go on to help still others, the ripples widen and cross until the whole lake surface is enlivened. Yet deep below, the water may well be tranquil. I've already passed the age you mention and look forward to at least forty more years, if the world does not go mad first. Yet, it is hard to be tranquil while surrounded by so much unnecessary suffering. Meanwhile, I especially like lines seven through eleven of your poem. We need not be capable of visualizing the final outcome if we can accept our role in producing it one small step at a time. Your poem is thought provoking.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Tranquility is a worthy goal, though likely not outwardly attainable while actively helping others. Helping others has a ripple effect like tossing stones into water. As the ones you help to find their own inner strength go on to help still others, the ripples widen and cross until the whole lake surface is enlivened. Yet deep below, the water may well be tranquil. I've already passed the age you mention and look forward to at least forty more years, if the world does not go mad first. Yet, it is hard to be tranquil while surrounded by so much unnecessary suffering. Meanwhile, I especially like lines seven through eleven of your poem. We need not be capable of visualizing the final outcome if we can accept our role in producing it one small step at a time. Your poem is thought provoking.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Thank you for your supportive review. I appreciate your comments and agree with what you say. Forty more years! That is a good goal. Yet, it is hard to imagine the world in twenty, let alone forty years from now. I'm not sure we as a species will last that long. The earth may purge the world of all human beings. It's hard to predict, but I'm glad to not be around to watch the earth disintegrate into being incapable of sustaining life as we know it. Thanks for your thought provoking comments.
Peace, Jesse
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You are welcome, Jesse. The Earth will neither wipe out humanity nor become lifeless (barring a cosmic catastrophe) if humanity rids itself of the self-appointed elites whose insatiable greed and lust for power are doing all the damage. They control most of the world's wealth, but they are a tiny minority easily trampled out of existence if we just unite with that purpose in mind before it is too late. Brexit is one sign the dominance of the unrepresentative European Union is weakening. The fact that no rioting occurred in Dallas thwarted plans to declare Martial Law and suspend the Constitution, especially the Bill Of Rights. There are signs of resurgence of faith (not religion) worldwide. All of these events give me hope for humanity. Keep focused on it: Peace. If we who care all work towards it as you and I just did in our other conversation, it becomes an increasingly attainable goal. Peace, Mike
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Yes, I agree. We shall work for peace. You are a noble soul, my friend, and I am glad I met you.
Your friend, Jesse
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Likewise, Jesse. Friends we are. -- Mike
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So glad to hear it, Mike!
Jesse
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:))
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem. We try our best to help others all the time. Sometimes it is appreciated and other times our efforts are in vain. But we find tranquility when we retreat to our own homes.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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A very well-written poem. We try our best to help others all the time. Sometimes it is appreciated and other times our efforts are in vain. But we find tranquility when we retreat to our own homes.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Thank you for reviewing my poem. I appreciate the compliment. Your comments are duly noted, yet not quite understood. Thanks for sharing.
Peace, Jesse
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Don't worry about it, I sometimes don't know myself what I tried to say. Lol
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Thanks for clearing that up for me.
Jesse
Comment from pharp
Jessie hello my friend,
A most powerful read. The rhyming and meter were excellent, the message outstanding. This is the first review and poem in my message box upon returning today. The message is clear and very uplifting. Exceptional job my friend.
I have been away due to medical reasons and I am allowed only two hours on the computer daily. I really missed all of my fans. Thanks for sharing an outstanding and well expressed poem. Blessings...............Portia
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Jessie hello my friend,
A most powerful read. The rhyming and meter were excellent, the message outstanding. This is the first review and poem in my message box upon returning today. The message is clear and very uplifting. Exceptional job my friend.
I have been away due to medical reasons and I am allowed only two hours on the computer daily. I really missed all of my fans. Thanks for sharing an outstanding and well expressed poem. Blessings...............Portia
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Hello Portia, welcome back, my friend. Thanks for the enthusiastic review! I am thrilled to receive Six Stars from you. Hope you have recovered or are healing more each day. I missed you while you were away. Thanks for the boost to my morale! You have made my day with this exciting review. Take care of yourself.
Peace, Jesse
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
LOL
I loved the unstated wishes and the description of your way you approach life.
Doing for others, makes your life richer and wanting to continue growing and learning at your comfort pace
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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LOL
I loved the unstated wishes and the description of your way you approach life.
Doing for others, makes your life richer and wanting to continue growing and learning at your comfort pace
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thanks for your supportive review. You're right, I do have wishes to still live in my own home when I turn seventy-three. I have a friend who is that age, and she lost her home and cat, to live in a 'Care Home' because she fell, and her son is too afraid she'll fall again if she lives alone. She is the sharpest tool in the shed at this 'Care Home', and she has resigned herself to living out her life there. Most of the people there have Dementia and have a hard time carrying on a conversation. My friend doesn't watch TV, so she lies in bed most of the time reading books from their library. I don't want that to be me! As of now, I am living life the way I choose and that feels great. Thanks for sharing and caring.
Peace, Jesse
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We have to live like that or die trying. I was thinking of where I will be in five years. I see a decline setting in and no one to want me when I get older. That hurts.
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I live alone and have no family willing to take care of me when I get older, too. Like you said, we have to live the way we want or die trying! I admit it hurts, but I just get more determined to stay healthy, with diet and exercise, and personal growth!
Your friend, Jesse
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I am just coming to the realization that I need to take care of me cause there is no one else to care. Sad
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So true!
