That Damn Man on the Moon
Short Story-What Is This Contest Entry25 total reviews
Comment from Mark Valentine
I'm not liking my chances in this contest after reading this. This is such an imaginative take on the prompt. I actually had to google Scott Carpenter's biography after reading this to see if the daughter-drowning thing was true - that's how real this sounded.
I love the dialogue - the free-styling rap banter between the therapist and John Jr. was a great tension-reliever, and won over any folks who might have still been on the fence as to whether or not these were sympathetic characters.
Didn't mind the length at all - it was so compelling and every piece of it was necessary to give the reader a complete grasp of the story.
I also loved the satisfying ending. Nothing like a smarmy prick getting his comeuppance.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
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I'm not liking my chances in this contest after reading this. This is such an imaginative take on the prompt. I actually had to google Scott Carpenter's biography after reading this to see if the daughter-drowning thing was true - that's how real this sounded.
I love the dialogue - the free-styling rap banter between the therapist and John Jr. was a great tension-reliever, and won over any folks who might have still been on the fence as to whether or not these were sympathetic characters.
Didn't mind the length at all - it was so compelling and every piece of it was necessary to give the reader a complete grasp of the story.
I also loved the satisfying ending. Nothing like a smarmy prick getting his comeuppance.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
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Great input. Appreciate the encouragement. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from Spitfire
Longer than what I usually read, but it kept my attention from beginning to end. Whew! I'm glad you made up the astronaut's name. I hate it when real life idols have clay feet.
Johnny convinced me from the start. He's too out of control to make up a story.
Wonderful touch when the shrink asks for his autograph. That's what convinced her he was all about fame and could care less about his son.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Longer than what I usually read, but it kept my attention from beginning to end. Whew! I'm glad you made up the astronaut's name. I hate it when real life idols have clay feet.
Johnny convinced me from the start. He's too out of control to make up a story.
Wonderful touch when the shrink asks for his autograph. That's what convinced her he was all about fame and could care less about his son.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Thanks soooo much for reading all of this. I know it was long. I wish the site contests had a way to let us split them up into more friendly chunks. Love your reaction, just what I hoped for. Yep, I was hoping the autograph scene would raise an eyebrow. :))
Thanks a million, mikey
Comment from Hayley Solomon
Just breadths, hope I have six stars left, excellent read... I adore happy endings especially in cases like this.... nice use of tension until very last sentence (although I admit I suspected -and hoped - ending would be as it was!) Well done. Great, great turn around for picture. Very original.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Just breadths, hope I have six stars left, excellent read... I adore happy endings especially in cases like this.... nice use of tension until very last sentence (although I admit I suspected -and hoped - ending would be as it was!) Well done. Great, great turn around for picture. Very original.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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I'm so pleased you enjoyed this, Hayley. Wow. I'm just delighted to receive such high praise. Thanks a million, mikey
Comment from Pearl Edwards
This is a great read mikey and no need to apologise because it held me all the way through. Great ending and I like the way you labelled it into small chapters. Incidental edit in
The session - His eyes moved up and down here (her) body
Good luck in the contest,
cheers,
valda.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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This is a great read mikey and no need to apologise because it held me all the way through. Great ending and I like the way you labelled it into small chapters. Incidental edit in
The session - His eyes moved up and down here (her) body
Good luck in the contest,
cheers,
valda.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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I fixed that, thanks.
I just thrilled you enjoyed this.
Thanks a million, mikey
Comment from I am Cat
Mikey,
I loved this so much... An excellent entry for this... and wow, how do you think up this stuff? It's amazing. Don't ever apologize for the size... I mean, really? ;)
some thoughts:
I'm supposed to pour my heart out to you with that", (I believe the comma should be inside the quotes here?)
I prefer shock treatment to Thorazine. It's exhilarating." (this made me laugh)
Well, I have no reason to doubt you, but I have no reason to accept them as (g)ospel either. (I don't think that gospel needs to be capitalized, does it?)
Johnny met with Dr. Blanchard and(,) more importantly(,) the alcohol and drugs left his body, and some semblance of health(;) both mental and physical, began to take hold of him. (not sure 'of him' is necessary... try it without it?)
I'm pleased if he's taking responsibility for his life and making [forward] progress. (forward progress seems redundant... isn't all progress forward? even if it's physically backward? )
He said "son" like it was a burst appendix risen through his digestive tract to the tip of his tongue where it simply fell off.
(brilliant simile!)
Again, silence threatened to drown the two Carpenter men as it sucked up the air like a wildfire.
(another wonderful simile!)
A flight to the moon for Christ's fuckin' sakes. (you've capitalized moon everywhere else, i"m not sure which is correct?)
Say, Doc, wanna suck a cock that's been on the moon. (now that's funny!)
A brilliant entry, I wish you the best of luck, i'm not sure you'll need it. Just a few tiny little corrections, if that... and this is just so well done. wow! I was blown away when I read it. I can't help but give it a six, even with a couple of tiny little commas... boo hiss on the stupid commas. lol
Well done
Cat
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Mikey,
I loved this so much... An excellent entry for this... and wow, how do you think up this stuff? It's amazing. Don't ever apologize for the size... I mean, really? ;)
some thoughts:
I'm supposed to pour my heart out to you with that", (I believe the comma should be inside the quotes here?)
I prefer shock treatment to Thorazine. It's exhilarating." (this made me laugh)
Well, I have no reason to doubt you, but I have no reason to accept them as (g)ospel either. (I don't think that gospel needs to be capitalized, does it?)
Johnny met with Dr. Blanchard and(,) more importantly(,) the alcohol and drugs left his body, and some semblance of health(;) both mental and physical, began to take hold of him. (not sure 'of him' is necessary... try it without it?)
I'm pleased if he's taking responsibility for his life and making [forward] progress. (forward progress seems redundant... isn't all progress forward? even if it's physically backward? )
He said "son" like it was a burst appendix risen through his digestive tract to the tip of his tongue where it simply fell off.
(brilliant simile!)
Again, silence threatened to drown the two Carpenter men as it sucked up the air like a wildfire.
(another wonderful simile!)
A flight to the moon for Christ's fuckin' sakes. (you've capitalized moon everywhere else, i"m not sure which is correct?)
Say, Doc, wanna suck a cock that's been on the moon. (now that's funny!)
A brilliant entry, I wish you the best of luck, i'm not sure you'll need it. Just a few tiny little corrections, if that... and this is just so well done. wow! I was blown away when I read it. I can't help but give it a six, even with a couple of tiny little commas... boo hiss on the stupid commas. lol
Well done
Cat
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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I think you're right on most of the edits. Not sure on gospel, I think it's the same as Bible though. I think I'll leave the cap and not risk burning in the pits of hell for all eternity. I know, sissy ass punk...
Wow. I'm never confident about prose, anything really, but especially a straight forward story. So gee, I'm totally delighted and thrilled and all things of that nature.
I think Moon needs a cap if it's THEE Moon as opposed to "a" moon. I wish we could break these up though. I always apologize for the size. I don't want to overburden anyone with the magnitude you see. :))
Thanks so much, happy mikey
Comment from Mabaker
You could have done a lot more with this story. You started out okay, but somehow your need to shock overcame the need to tell a story. I'm sorry but I can't rate you high as there was really no story behind so much swearing. Don't get me wrong I'm no prude but your story died time after time so you filled in more swear words. You could have made this a damn fine story if you had concentrated on the hero/versus son angle, but it fell over too many times. You have the makings of a good story. Try writing it again and put a bit more effort into the story part and fix up the obvious mistakes. Eg. 'Couple of forms to sign, adoption papers and the like.' That didn't fit anywhere in the story. Like I say it's your story write how you like. Regards Mabaker.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2016
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You could have done a lot more with this story. You started out okay, but somehow your need to shock overcame the need to tell a story. I'm sorry but I can't rate you high as there was really no story behind so much swearing. Don't get me wrong I'm no prude but your story died time after time so you filled in more swear words. You could have made this a damn fine story if you had concentrated on the hero/versus son angle, but it fell over too many times. You have the makings of a good story. Try writing it again and put a bit more effort into the story part and fix up the obvious mistakes. Eg. 'Couple of forms to sign, adoption papers and the like.' That didn't fit anywhere in the story. Like I say it's your story write how you like. Regards Mabaker.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2016
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The adoption papers was a joke by the Psychiatrist to break the ice between father and son. As you might have noticed the son reacted with laughter.
Wow. So this is the very worst thing you've ever read here at Fanstory. Well, I do wish you had some examples of where the story line is lacking or even a word spelled incorrectly so I might improve this a little. You say there are lots of mistakes, you mentioned one that wasn't a mistake. I'd love to know of some others please. It would be a great help to me. Thanks for reading, mikey
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi Mikey,
this was awesome. I loved the story line and you had me guessing until the very end. It was as if I was right in the middle of a fucking incredible book. Where is the rest of it? You really are good mikey.
Well done and good luck in the contest. you nailed it.
Brenda:))x
Sorry would have placed a warning for language there ain't no button. lol
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Hi Mikey,
this was awesome. I loved the story line and you had me guessing until the very end. It was as if I was right in the middle of a fucking incredible book. Where is the rest of it? You really are good mikey.
Well done and good luck in the contest. you nailed it.
Brenda:))x
Sorry would have placed a warning for language there ain't no button. lol
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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I like that language. :))
Gee. I'm truly thrilled to the max you liked this. I'm so insecure about writing straight forward stories. So this is extra fuckin' cool, so to speak.
You're the best. Thanks a trillion, mikey xxffoo LOL
Comment from BOO ghost
Randolph Johnathon Carpenter. Was he one of the three astronauts that first set foot on the moon? I remember Neil Armstrong. Like this paragraph, Mikey. "What's the point? He's an American icon and I'm ... I'm this. Does it really matter. Hey, he's an abusive nasty fuck. He raped and killed my sister and beat me for trying to stop him. How's that sound. SECURITY! Get a strait jacket. Bring a gurney. We need five point restraints here. This mutha fucker's craaaazy. What else you wanna know? I prefer shock treatment to Thorazine. It's exhilarating."
Seemingly, this explains a lot about this story.
But you see, there's nothing I can offer him. I do offer you my thanks. I'm not a part of his life, but I certainly wish him well. Thank you for calling."
Very interesting... seems like something is off.
I want you to sit in on a session with him. You have no worries, I'll be there. Hum... this could be very interesting.
this is a good one. How does it feel to see your father after all these years, Johnny?" She sounded downright festive.
Say, Doc, wanna suck a cock that's been on the moon. Ha! yEP, THIS ONE LINE WAS WORTH MY TIME, HAHA!
"Where's your evidence? What the fuck ... I walked on the moon!"
"Video confession, moon man. Signed consent.
Haha, hilarious chapter Lion King. Entertaining. Amusing. BOO gives you six moon rocks. You can do the moon walk with Michael Jackson. THIS WAS A chiller thriller. cAN'T BEAT THIS... BOO
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Randolph Johnathon Carpenter. Was he one of the three astronauts that first set foot on the moon? I remember Neil Armstrong. Like this paragraph, Mikey. "What's the point? He's an American icon and I'm ... I'm this. Does it really matter. Hey, he's an abusive nasty fuck. He raped and killed my sister and beat me for trying to stop him. How's that sound. SECURITY! Get a strait jacket. Bring a gurney. We need five point restraints here. This mutha fucker's craaaazy. What else you wanna know? I prefer shock treatment to Thorazine. It's exhilarating."
Seemingly, this explains a lot about this story.
But you see, there's nothing I can offer him. I do offer you my thanks. I'm not a part of his life, but I certainly wish him well. Thank you for calling."
Very interesting... seems like something is off.
I want you to sit in on a session with him. You have no worries, I'll be there. Hum... this could be very interesting.
this is a good one. How does it feel to see your father after all these years, Johnny?" She sounded downright festive.
Say, Doc, wanna suck a cock that's been on the moon. Ha! yEP, THIS ONE LINE WAS WORTH MY TIME, HAHA!
"Where's your evidence? What the fuck ... I walked on the moon!"
"Video confession, moon man. Signed consent.
Haha, hilarious chapter Lion King. Entertaining. Amusing. BOO gives you six moon rocks. You can do the moon walk with Michael Jackson. THIS WAS A chiller thriller. cAN'T BEAT THIS... BOO
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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You're going to have to tell me where in the world "Glynn" comes from. LOL
Glad you liked this. I don't often write straight forward stories so I'm thrilled you enjoyed. mikey
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yep, Lion King, it is my middle name. Oh, Tom said that he fixed the glitch, you think now that it is safe for me to change back to BOO? afraid i WILL BECOME INVISIBLE Again WITH Boo. ha change back to BOO?
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We're used to BOOOOOOOO....
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yep, changed it and it worked! I'm used to Lion King. See you later, let me know when you need a review.
Comment from Gloria ....
Well this is a long story, but the pacing is good, and the dialogue tense all the way, so never a dull moment.
Just a couple of comments:
But, I'll never forget the site (sight) of him holding her under water or the pure look of evil joy on his face." He (Johnny) looked like a little ...
That's about it. I'm Earl the Pear." (Pearl)
Great bit of ego-fluffing by the Psychiatrist. The astronaut would certainly like being stroked in such a way, especially the put downs of his pissant useless turd of a son who wanted dear old dad to fess up to the truth. Colonel Jessup from A Few Good Men comes to mind.
And man alive, the moon man really had given in to the adage absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Works for me, Mav. Just no fly bys for that dude.
Best wishes to you in the contest. I think this is a great one.
Ange
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Well this is a long story, but the pacing is good, and the dialogue tense all the way, so never a dull moment.
Just a couple of comments:
But, I'll never forget the site (sight) of him holding her under water or the pure look of evil joy on his face." He (Johnny) looked like a little ...
That's about it. I'm Earl the Pear." (Pearl)
Great bit of ego-fluffing by the Psychiatrist. The astronaut would certainly like being stroked in such a way, especially the put downs of his pissant useless turd of a son who wanted dear old dad to fess up to the truth. Colonel Jessup from A Few Good Men comes to mind.
And man alive, the moon man really had given in to the adage absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Works for me, Mav. Just no fly bys for that dude.
Best wishes to you in the contest. I think this is a great one.
Ange
Comment Written 19-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Whew! What a relief, Ange. I rarely write a regular story and I'm so insecure about them. I'm happy you think it works and were able to read through it without falling asleep. YAY!
Cool that you caught the Psych's gambit and it wasn't so over the top it ruined things. Yeah, no fly by for this fool. There was never a chance I wasn't going to nail him.
Thanks a million. Huge smiles.
Mav
Comment from l.raven
HI Michael, what a story...his father thought no one would believe the sons story...but the doctor do...and set up that piece of nasty man...started reading...and couldn't stop you...you have trust the ones who believe in you...and it helped when the addictions left his body...so very well written sweetie...luff Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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HI Michael, what a story...his father thought no one would believe the sons story...but the doctor do...and set up that piece of nasty man...started reading...and couldn't stop you...you have trust the ones who believe in you...and it helped when the addictions left his body...so very well written sweetie...luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 19-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Thanks soooooo much. I'm pretty insecure about normal stories like this. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it. mikey
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you are so welcome my friend...xxoo Love Linda
