You Didn't Ask
An older woman finds herself in a dark hole, Where does it .22 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
Was it Lois and Clark in which Clark passed on immortality so he could grow old with Lois? No, it is genetics and environment that shape us. We can't escape the life we have lived. Excellent story, and to prompt.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Was it Lois and Clark in which Clark passed on immortality so he could grow old with Lois? No, it is genetics and environment that shape us. We can't escape the life we have lived. Excellent story, and to prompt.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Thank you Red. I enjoyed writing it.
Comment from rama devi
Wow, I love the premise of this story, the message and the characterization. Superb situation to portray a strong moral. Much of the sentence mechanics are good for flash fiction but many need trimming and tightening to suit the genre. Also, there are lots of spags. ''I enjoyed your story and think it deserves to do well in the contest but it needs fine tuning. So I'll take time for details because your story deserves it. Please take it in that spirit, and I will be happy to revisit and upgrade if revised.
NOTES:
*I turned, leaned my back against the door and slowly lowered myself to the floor.
Wordy sentence for flash. I recommend you trim and tighten this. Using adverbs is almost taboo in flash. Also, using unnecessary filler words. The same info can be conveyed with stronger word economy.
Example:
I turned, leaned against the door and lowered myself to the floor.
* The floor was warm to the touch,comforting warm, like a heating pad on low.
spacing typo. Also, consider trimming:
The floor was a comforting warm, like a heating pad on low.
* If I sat(,) I could still breathe.
*I took the chance. I sat.
trim I SAT, as it is implied.
* After several hours(,) the room drained.
*VERY WORDY FOR FLASH:
It was on the tenth day in this new world that I made a discovery. The light from the ceiling illuminated my knee. I had surgery the year before, a total knee replacement.
Example trim and tighten:
On the tenth day in this new world, I made a discovery. The ceiling's light illuminated my knee, where I had a total knee replacement the year before.
*Now(,) as I looked at my knee(,) there was no longer a scar.
Consider trimming AS I LOOKED AT MY KNEE since it would be implied by context when mentioning the scar. It would be more dramatic (and better flash style) to say:
Now, the scar is gone.
* Spacing typo:
" So this might be the fountain of youth.
Spacing typo:
" You think this is a gift?
TOUCHING: I don't want to relive my life. I want to watch their lives. I want to comfort them when life goes wrong. I want to help with the down payment on their first house. They are part of me. I am part of them. Let me go."
* This English the subjects spoke was so foriegn.
foreign is misspelled
* They communicated telepathlically.
telepathically is misspelled
Consider using contractions: "There is(There's) a connection between humans.
* At the beginning of marriage they try to change each other, eventually they simply accept each other. They learn to love their unigueness.
uniqueness is misspelled. Also, this could be trimmed and tightened and there is spag in punctuation too. Suggest:
At the beginning, they try to change each other, but eventually accept each other and learn to love their uniqueness.
Or even trimmed further, since the middle clause is implied by the last one:
At the beginning, they try to change each other, but eventually learn to love their uniqueness.
* Humans are not born with knowedge. They aquire it.
knowledge and acquire are misspelled.
* I could see grass and trees beyond the door. I could feel the warmth of the sun as I came closer to the exit.
trim COULD and of the:
I saw grass and trees beyond the door. I felt the sun's warmth as I came closer to the exit.
* Each step I took was filled with anticipation.
TRIM:
Each step filled with anticipation.
* overuse of pronoun I here:
I stopped three feet from my front door. I smiled as I felt a familiar feeling.
Tighten:
I stopped three feet from the door and smiled at a familiar feeling.
I8n the context of this interesting and touching story, this is a pitch perfect closing sentence:
My knee hurt.
I suggest making it a single-line stanza to highlight it for dramatic effect.
Hope you find this helpful.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Wow, I love the premise of this story, the message and the characterization. Superb situation to portray a strong moral. Much of the sentence mechanics are good for flash fiction but many need trimming and tightening to suit the genre. Also, there are lots of spags. ''I enjoyed your story and think it deserves to do well in the contest but it needs fine tuning. So I'll take time for details because your story deserves it. Please take it in that spirit, and I will be happy to revisit and upgrade if revised.
NOTES:
*I turned, leaned my back against the door and slowly lowered myself to the floor.
Wordy sentence for flash. I recommend you trim and tighten this. Using adverbs is almost taboo in flash. Also, using unnecessary filler words. The same info can be conveyed with stronger word economy.
Example:
I turned, leaned against the door and lowered myself to the floor.
* The floor was warm to the touch,comforting warm, like a heating pad on low.
spacing typo. Also, consider trimming:
The floor was a comforting warm, like a heating pad on low.
* If I sat(,) I could still breathe.
*I took the chance. I sat.
trim I SAT, as it is implied.
* After several hours(,) the room drained.
*VERY WORDY FOR FLASH:
It was on the tenth day in this new world that I made a discovery. The light from the ceiling illuminated my knee. I had surgery the year before, a total knee replacement.
Example trim and tighten:
On the tenth day in this new world, I made a discovery. The ceiling's light illuminated my knee, where I had a total knee replacement the year before.
*Now(,) as I looked at my knee(,) there was no longer a scar.
Consider trimming AS I LOOKED AT MY KNEE since it would be implied by context when mentioning the scar. It would be more dramatic (and better flash style) to say:
Now, the scar is gone.
* Spacing typo:
" So this might be the fountain of youth.
Spacing typo:
" You think this is a gift?
TOUCHING: I don't want to relive my life. I want to watch their lives. I want to comfort them when life goes wrong. I want to help with the down payment on their first house. They are part of me. I am part of them. Let me go."
* This English the subjects spoke was so foriegn.
foreign is misspelled
* They communicated telepathlically.
telepathically is misspelled
Consider using contractions: "There is(There's) a connection between humans.
* At the beginning of marriage they try to change each other, eventually they simply accept each other. They learn to love their unigueness.
uniqueness is misspelled. Also, this could be trimmed and tightened and there is spag in punctuation too. Suggest:
At the beginning, they try to change each other, but eventually accept each other and learn to love their uniqueness.
Or even trimmed further, since the middle clause is implied by the last one:
At the beginning, they try to change each other, but eventually learn to love their uniqueness.
* Humans are not born with knowedge. They aquire it.
knowledge and acquire are misspelled.
* I could see grass and trees beyond the door. I could feel the warmth of the sun as I came closer to the exit.
trim COULD and of the:
I saw grass and trees beyond the door. I felt the sun's warmth as I came closer to the exit.
* Each step I took was filled with anticipation.
TRIM:
Each step filled with anticipation.
* overuse of pronoun I here:
I stopped three feet from my front door. I smiled as I felt a familiar feeling.
Tighten:
I stopped three feet from the door and smiled at a familiar feeling.
I8n the context of this interesting and touching story, this is a pitch perfect closing sentence:
My knee hurt.
I suggest making it a single-line stanza to highlight it for dramatic effect.
Hope you find this helpful.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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that was one of the best low star reviews I have ever had. I truly appreciate and understand each and every criticism. You are brilliant. I have only recently found flash fiction and I find it fascinating. It is hard to give up all the descriptions I want to include but you have helped me to understand what flash fiction is all about. You get my vote for reviewer . Thank you.
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Wow, thanks for your gracious response. It's always a toss up on FS if the recipient of in depth critique gets grateful or miffed. Glad you're one of the mature ones, eager to learn. So many only want praises. I gravitate towards the members who are passionate about the writing craft and really want to improve, as I am 'paying forward' all the valuable help I've received freely from professional reviewers over the years (most of whom are no longer active on FS)...and now, since 7 years, I'm a professional editor and writing coach too!
I do understand Flash because the person teaching it here on FS offered me a free spot in his class...and he was a great teacher. I've only written a few flash stories myself, as it's not my 'gift' but I think you are gifted in flash. It's a genre that needs a closing twist to be great....and yours is inspiring!~
I will be happy to re-review when your edits are done. I will also fan you. But please be aware that i am less active on FS these days and will only review sporadically, in between (or as a break from0 my paying clients offline...speaking of which, I need to get back to work!
Warmly, rd
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Rama, Your willingness to truly help me with my writing, like you did with my "You didn't Ask" is something I treasure. I realize you are extremely busy. I also signed up for a class on face book as I am writing a book also . I signed up for help with the middle of a novel. I corrected "You didn't Ask" then I found another contest . 500 words about assassination. I also applied what you told me to the new story. I edited it 5 times. If you have time to read it I would so appreciate it. Also, I have an entry called "Human Demon" In the Paranormal Flash Fiction that could really use your touch. I know I am asking so much, but I want to learn so much.
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Hi Jusylee...sorry, but I've got a bunch of editing offsite (I do it professionally) and really can't dive in to long reviews on prose except intermittently-on occasions. I actually left FS but someone sponsored a membership, and I end up spending more time here than I can afford to. But if you want my help offsite, feel free to email me: ramadevinina@yahoo.com and I would offer a discount rate. Otherwise, I will visit on occasion...and I am so happy you found the feedback helpful and to see your enthusiasm to learn!
Warmly, rd
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What do you charge? It would be helpful to know.
And thank you again, I completely understand.
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The charges range greatly depending on the amount of work needed and what level of editing is required. A proofread costs less than a deep developmental edit, for example. The prices are calculated by the page (which is 250 words as per freelance editing industry standard and the fees range from $1 to $15 dollars a page, with $3-6 being the usual range for a 'not-final-draft' manuscript that needs only line editing but no developmental edit.
For short stories and poems it also depends on what level of coaching and mentoring is involved.
If you are interested, at some point, feel free to email me and I'll send you a comprehensive list of rates and options (as an attachment).
You can also look up references on Linked In under Rama Devi Nina Marshall.
I'm swamped with work right now, but next month I could squeeze in another client...or anytime you're ready. :)
Warmly, rd
PS If you edited this story already, I'll be glad to re-review and upgrade. For the other story, though, it'll have to wait a bit...and I will be glad to review the other flash one for you when there is less time pressure...also answering replies, reviews, takes up more time than I can spare...so I have to leave off reviewing for now. Blessings, rd
Comment from A.Q. Pancho
The story kept me very interested from the beginning. It kept me on edge of what would come next. It kept me intrigued as to what had happened and what will happen. I would definitely like to read the complete story.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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The story kept me very interested from the beginning. It kept me on edge of what would come next. It kept me intrigued as to what had happened and what will happen. I would definitely like to read the complete story.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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thank you , This was only written as flash fiction. I am happy you enjoyed it and even thought there could be more to it. I so appreciate that. Thank you so much
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
Very weird and very good!!! This is a great entry into The Door Slammed contest. I sit here on my sixty year-old ass and wonder why she didn't want to enjoy youth again, but I realize how unnatural it is...parents should never bury their children; they should go that path that leads them to a ripe old age and pass in their sleep! I liked the ending very much. Especially, the last line. Sweet touch! Good luck in the contest. God bless and hugs, Susanne
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Very weird and very good!!! This is a great entry into The Door Slammed contest. I sit here on my sixty year-old ass and wonder why she didn't want to enjoy youth again, but I realize how unnatural it is...parents should never bury their children; they should go that path that leads them to a ripe old age and pass in their sleep! I liked the ending very much. Especially, the last line. Sweet touch! Good luck in the contest. God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. I too wish we could at least have the arthritis treatment. Wouldn't that be sweet. But only if I had the choice of still being with my family. .
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Absolutely! I would never want to be without my family and friends!!! God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment from Hayley Solomon
Awesome, awesome, awesome! Loved the end, just as it should have been,
Pretty perfect, actually. A lovely, imaginative story that really honed in on what is important in life, in fact, what life actually is!!
Well done
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Awesome, awesome, awesome! Loved the end, just as it should have been,
Pretty perfect, actually. A lovely, imaginative story that really honed in on what is important in life, in fact, what life actually is!!
Well done
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. Even though I would like the arthritis treatment I would never give up seeing my family to become young again.
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Neither would I! (Although I am not mad about getting older, laughing)
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A very interesting Fountain of youth story. I wish I had one, but would want it to last afterword. Well written. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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A very interesting Fountain of youth story. I wish I had one, but would want it to last afterword. Well written. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much. It is an interesting concept. I wouldn't want to be twenty again, but I would like the arthritis treatments.
Comment from nor84
Please refer to the contest rules. You changed the wording of the required sentence, which is: The door slammed echoing down the long hall.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Please refer to the contest rules. You changed the wording of the required sentence, which is: The door slammed echoing down the long hall.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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How did I change it, It states. The door slammed, echoing down the long hall.
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You changed hall to hallway.
Comment from JW
First and foremost, good luck in the contest. Your story is quite well written, you could easily see the scene before you.
Yet, in reading it, it left me in a dilemma. If this occurred in real life, I'm not really sure if I'd want to continue on earth, being old - or enjoy a new life, young again.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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First and foremost, good luck in the contest. Your story is quite well written, you could easily see the scene before you.
Yet, in reading it, it left me in a dilemma. If this occurred in real life, I'm not really sure if I'd want to continue on earth, being old - or enjoy a new life, young again.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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I agree. It is a dilemma. In fact I am sure I would at least like the Arthritis treatment. I just don't want to be 20 again, I had too much to learn.
Comment from Spiritual Echo
This is a clever plot. Your characterization of the prisoner is very good. /there could be some bits of info as she is a test subject, and the aliens foresee themselves as saviours, but otherwise, I think you have the story nailed.
When writing in first person, it is very hard not to begin each sentence with the word 'I', but I encourage you to work on reversing some of the earlier paragraphs to avoid this common flaw.
Below is your second paragraph edited as an example of how to get around the issue. Accept or reject just a suggestion.
I stood close to the entrance, afraid to move. Nothing happened. Turning to take stock of my surroundings, I leaned against the door and slowly lowered myself to the ground. The floor, warm to the touch, comforted me; like a heating pad, it radiated heat on a low setting. Fear crippled me; forcing me to think about each breath I took, until finally exhaustion overcame me, and I slept.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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This is a clever plot. Your characterization of the prisoner is very good. /there could be some bits of info as she is a test subject, and the aliens foresee themselves as saviours, but otherwise, I think you have the story nailed.
When writing in first person, it is very hard not to begin each sentence with the word 'I', but I encourage you to work on reversing some of the earlier paragraphs to avoid this common flaw.
Below is your second paragraph edited as an example of how to get around the issue. Accept or reject just a suggestion.
I stood close to the entrance, afraid to move. Nothing happened. Turning to take stock of my surroundings, I leaned against the door and slowly lowered myself to the ground. The floor, warm to the touch, comforted me; like a heating pad, it radiated heat on a low setting. Fear crippled me; forcing me to think about each breath I took, until finally exhaustion overcame me, and I slept.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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That is a wonderful edit. It is clear and precise. I like it. I may consider it if it stays within the word count. What a great editor you are. Thank you.
Comment from Nika2016
Just brilliant! and I loved it.
Most of us do not want to be young, again...just healthy and happy. We are proud that we have reached this milestone and a sense of who we are after years of struggling with identity. Your character knows what she wants. The interlopers interfere.
Great flash fiction!
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Just brilliant! and I loved it.
Most of us do not want to be young, again...just healthy and happy. We are proud that we have reached this milestone and a sense of who we are after years of struggling with identity. Your character knows what she wants. The interlopers interfere.
Great flash fiction!
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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thank you so much. I have to admit I would like to go in and get a little arthritis treatment but I don't want to be twenty again at all.
