Reviews from

Some One Knocks On Your Door

Shimes His Light In My Eyes

2 total reviews 
Comment from Kooky Clown
Excellent
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An interesting and enjoyable read it reminded me of the rhyme I posted about an early morning caller I had at 3.30 in the morning. See my portfolio if you would like to read it. Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 12-Jul-2016


reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
    THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS
Comment from giraffmang
Average
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Hi there,

A good rise to the challenge in terms of premise but this still needs some work. you slip from first person narrative to third person narrative a few times and need to be careful with speech and reported speech, using the correct prepositions.

The river was beginning to start to rise - it is a good idea to look at the structure here and see if you can achieve the same feel with less words. beginning and starting to basically mean the same thing so one can be eliminated from here without the piece losing anything.

It is also a good idea to try to remove as many usages of words such as 'was', 'were', 'had' and 'that' as possible as they make the writing quite passive and they 'tell' more than they 'show. they slow down the narrative.

taught us growing up retaliate with a blinding blinking beam - you should probably have a dash or a comma after up here.

I took my one hand and slid it slowly so he wouldn't see to my key chain - you could delete 'my' after took as it reads as if you only hand one hand. Also you could substitute eased for slid here to avoid the repetition of slid. Also, how did they know it was a he? You could use 'they' here as the identity is unknown at that point.

There are some leaps here. In the third paragraph, you have a gun pointed at the man's chest. firstly, the door never gets opened in the narrative, only the chain gets slid back in paragraph one. There is also no mention of a gun at all in the previous paragraphs.

With not being able to see the man tripped and fell against the pillar on the porch - you need some punctuation in the sentence to make sure this reads correctly. I would suggest a comma after see.

Cussing, he says - says is present tense and everything else is in past tense.

Trying to get a grip on his present situation he discovered he was surprised nothing seemed broken - very 'wordy' again - you could delete he discovered.

I awkwardly lost my balance he wasn't the only klutz.
- need some punctuation after balance.

He instinctively reached out to help her regain her balance. - I think her should be 'me' in this case otherwise you have changed narrative from first person to third person.

I am part of Search and Rescues - you need opening speech marks here. Also rescue's and it should be higher ground.

needed to get to hire ground." - higher ground and you have stated this in the previous section so a little repetitive.

But its my problem not yours - it's.

After running the drivers plate - driver's.

Relief was now being replaced with anger I was furious. - either a full stop or comma is needed after anger.

"What did he think he was doing in the first place?" I asked him - if you are asking this question directed at the man it should read "That did you think you were doing?"

The following should also read "Where in the hell did you think you were taking me?"

Otherwise it shouldn't be included in speech / quote marks.

How could he have deceived her this way? - deceived me.

Things, happen pretty fast sometimes - no comma necessary.

surprised suddenly by an overpowering light - need end punctuation here.

"Anything else you want to know about the situation while I am still here," - need a question mark here.

The sheriff said, "He'd take me over to the shelter till the storm was over."- I'll take you over.

"Oh he says, I haven't heard there was any trouble. What happened? - need closing speech marks after Oh and re-open them after says, and then close them again happened?

Hope this helps
GMG

 Comment Written 12-Jul-2016


reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
    THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS