The experiment (434 words)
Betrayal. Does the end justify the means?9 total reviews
Comment from zatanna
I liked the build of of your piece. I was wondering why is she in the cell?? Sentences like "she caved into the muddied hues of lethargy bleeding down her waning desire to remain alert. " are strong solid bits of writing. Lovely words like lethargy and muddied hues - very powerful stuff. Then "another experiment gone awry" oh boy here it comes.....THE ACCIDENT arghhh! So now we know why she's in the cell -crikey I want to read more!
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2016
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I liked the build of of your piece. I was wondering why is she in the cell?? Sentences like "she caved into the muddied hues of lethargy bleeding down her waning desire to remain alert. " are strong solid bits of writing. Lovely words like lethargy and muddied hues - very powerful stuff. Then "another experiment gone awry" oh boy here it comes.....THE ACCIDENT arghhh! So now we know why she's in the cell -crikey I want to read more!
Comment Written 10-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2016
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Thank you for reviewing.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
She better question "Jake's" loyalty.
If not she may wind up the creek without a paddle to get back on.
Ending leaves enough interest to continue the story.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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She better question "Jake's" loyalty.
If not she may wind up the creek without a paddle to get back on.
Ending leaves enough interest to continue the story.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from MTF1955
This deserved a six but I'm out. Yes I want to read more. This like was amazing: And as it began to paint its swatches of gloom all over another uneventful day in solitary, she caved into the muddied hues of lethargy bleeding down her waning desire to remain alert. The imagery is wonderful. Mary
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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This deserved a six but I'm out. Yes I want to read more. This like was amazing: And as it began to paint its swatches of gloom all over another uneventful day in solitary, she caved into the muddied hues of lethargy bleeding down her waning desire to remain alert. The imagery is wonderful. Mary
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Thank you for the awesome review and the virtual six.
Comment from Spitfire
For sure, I would read on. What hooked me?
A look of disdain; an unintelligible grunt or two, and then back to the menagerie that housed the rest of his kind; the other freaks that got lost somewhere in the evolutionary process.
Genetic experiment gone awry is a popular topic, I would think.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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For sure, I would read on. What hooked me?
A look of disdain; an unintelligible grunt or two, and then back to the menagerie that housed the rest of his kind; the other freaks that got lost somewhere in the evolutionary process.
Genetic experiment gone awry is a popular topic, I would think.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Interesting time frames used in this opening chapter, splitting between the two. This can be very effective if handled deftly.
A mystery of sorts introduced and a mini cliff-hanger to pause on.
It would be a good idea to put a warning at the top of the page about the swearing. People tend to get offended when it isn't there as a warning but is in the story.
cares-mantra - there shouldn't be a hyphen before mantra.
was it months since Jake and his co-conspirators had kidnapped and thrown her into oblivion. - this should probably end with a question mark.
most renowned Geneticist - this should be plural.
Good luck
GMG
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Hi there,
Interesting time frames used in this opening chapter, splitting between the two. This can be very effective if handled deftly.
A mystery of sorts introduced and a mini cliff-hanger to pause on.
It would be a good idea to put a warning at the top of the page about the swearing. People tend to get offended when it isn't there as a warning but is in the story.
cares-mantra - there shouldn't be a hyphen before mantra.
was it months since Jake and his co-conspirators had kidnapped and thrown her into oblivion. - this should probably end with a question mark.
most renowned Geneticist - this should be plural.
Good luck
GMG
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thanks for the pointers. Great suggestions.
Comment from Sis Cat
Intriguing story and premise. It grabbed my attention and kept me guessing about the experiment that gone awry. This is a nod to classic science fiction like Frankenstein.
Many spags in this piece: "I don't give a fuck, who cares" should be written with hyphens "I-don't-give-a-fuck-who-cares."
You need to fix the paragraph alignment of the dangling word "accident."
Landon should be capitalized in "landon's partner."
Every reader is different, but what usually pulls me into a story and make me want to read more are dialogue, character, and sharp writing. You are lacking in all three. You have imagination, but you need to make the reader care for Dara. What you wrote is closer to being a synopsis than a compelling story.
Keep writing, and, importantly, reading to improve your craft. You will improve. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Intriguing story and premise. It grabbed my attention and kept me guessing about the experiment that gone awry. This is a nod to classic science fiction like Frankenstein.
Many spags in this piece: "I don't give a fuck, who cares" should be written with hyphens "I-don't-give-a-fuck-who-cares."
You need to fix the paragraph alignment of the dangling word "accident."
Landon should be capitalized in "landon's partner."
Every reader is different, but what usually pulls me into a story and make me want to read more are dialogue, character, and sharp writing. You are lacking in all three. You have imagination, but you need to make the reader care for Dara. What you wrote is closer to being a synopsis than a compelling story.
Keep writing, and, importantly, reading to improve your craft. You will improve. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thanks for the sharp eye. My grammar check failed me.
Comment from P1
oh yes a brilliant and intriguing
entry to this contest. this is a great
story and i definitely want to read
more... a real cliff hanger. good luck
with this
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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oh yes a brilliant and intriguing
entry to this contest. this is a great
story and i definitely want to read
more... a real cliff hanger. good luck
with this
Comment Written 01-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thanks for the great review.
Comment from Deanita
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Wow! This is certainly different! What kind of place is this? That poor girl has been there for weeks. I wish
there was another chapter, but I see it's some kind of
experiment and that's the contest.
Well written, I wish the author good luck in the
contest.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thanks for the great review.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
You've definitely created a story where we are left hanging. What's going to happen? What really did happen? What will the repercussions be?? Too many scientists don't stop and think of "if" they should do what they're doing.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
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You've definitely created a story where we are left hanging. What's going to happen? What really did happen? What will the repercussions be?? Too many scientists don't stop and think of "if" they should do what they're doing.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 01-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
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Thanks for reviewing. My goal is to make people want to turn the page.
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And, indeed, you did!!
