Mom's a Killer
Potlatch Challenge #5 MURDER33 total reviews
Comment from Muffins
The ending chilled my bones. I read this story several times and each time the ending causes a physical reaction.
I quickly figured out the mother was cutting a chicken or some kind of animal, but then you got me when I read this line:"Mom had been disgusted at his cowardice and told him to leave, or he would be next." Why would the mother make such a big deal out of her husband not wanting to kill his dinner? What I didn't realize was how smoothly you took me off to a place I never expected to go.
Wow! what a story. It's frenetic, hot and unpredictable.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2016
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The ending chilled my bones. I read this story several times and each time the ending causes a physical reaction.
I quickly figured out the mother was cutting a chicken or some kind of animal, but then you got me when I read this line:"Mom had been disgusted at his cowardice and told him to leave, or he would be next." Why would the mother make such a big deal out of her husband not wanting to kill his dinner? What I didn't realize was how smoothly you took me off to a place I never expected to go.
Wow! what a story. It's frenetic, hot and unpredictable.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2016
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Good for you to catch on early to the animal part. I threw in that sentence to sweeten the deal. LOL (I couldn't cut off a chicken's head) I was working for a double header here and you,my dear, got it. THanks ever so much for the exceptional review.
Comment from DALLAS01
Nice lead up to the part that reveals her victims. Wasn't expecting that. Neither was I expecting the fear-driven boy to kill himself. A couple of very effective transitions. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Nice lead up to the part that reveals her victims. Wasn't expecting that. Neither was I expecting the fear-driven boy to kill himself. A couple of very effective transitions. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Dallas, for catching the double twist. No contest here, just a prose potlatch challenge.
Comment from Sasha
You have the most amazing imagination. I found this both scary and fascinating. How sad, the poor little boy was more afraid of disappointing his mother than standing up for himself. Great work with this one.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
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You have the most amazing imagination. I found this both scary and fascinating. How sad, the poor little boy was more afraid of disappointing his mother than standing up for himself. Great work with this one.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Sasha. I love these challenges. Little time to think. Just write. Appreciate your time to read and review. :-)
Comment from Dean Kuch
Ya gotta be careful what you say around kids, and what you say TO kids. They just might take what you say to heart (pun most definitely intended, ah-h-h-h, heh-heh).
Poor kiddie. Seems like this little farm fellow fell victim to Mom's cutting critique of Dad. Sometimes word can cut deeply...like a knife.
Simon Cowell would be sooooooo proud.
Great little tidbit of terror, Spit.
Thanks for the entertainment!
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2016
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Ya gotta be careful what you say around kids, and what you say TO kids. They just might take what you say to heart (pun most definitely intended, ah-h-h-h, heh-heh).
Poor kiddie. Seems like this little farm fellow fell victim to Mom's cutting critique of Dad. Sometimes word can cut deeply...like a knife.
Simon Cowell would be sooooooo proud.
Great little tidbit of terror, Spit.
Thanks for the entertainment!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2016
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Thanks for your comments. I love how you planted that extra star. Too bad it won't fool Tom.
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Aw, ya never know...;)
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Goodness! I've read a few of these Potlatch prose stories, and this one is really terrifying! The little boy would rather kill himself then be cast aside by his mother for being weak like his dad. What a story that was! Well done, you did the challenge proud! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2016
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Goodness! I've read a few of these Potlatch prose stories, and this one is really terrifying! The little boy would rather kill himself then be cast aside by his mother for being weak like his dad. What a story that was! Well done, you did the challenge proud! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 30-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Sandra. I surprise myself! Love the challenges-- the hard part for me is thinking of a theme.
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I quite agree with you there. You did really well with this one though. x
Comment from F. Wehr3
Wow that was unexpected! Nicely done! The boy certainly didn't have both feet in reality. Disturbing to say the least. Very clean writing!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2016
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Wow that was unexpected! Nicely done! The boy certainly didn't have both feet in reality. Disturbing to say the least. Very clean writing!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 30-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2016
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Russell, your exuberant review made my day. Thanks so much.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
What a great double twist in your Murder Prose challenge. You had me sucked in, I hadn't thought of the butchering aspect for Mum, poor terrified Clinton. Great twist.
cheers,
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
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What a great double twist in your Murder Prose challenge. You had me sucked in, I hadn't thought of the butchering aspect for Mum, poor terrified Clinton. Great twist.
cheers,
Comment Written 29-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
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Good to hear this fooled you, Pearl. Thanks for the great review and excellent rating.
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
That's crazy. How could you ever do that to your child? There was a show I watched about a mother who drugged her son, husband and daughter with antifreeze or something. Apparently if you put it in coca cola you can't taste it so they never knew. The daughter ended up living and the mother is in prison but really? Great job
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
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That's crazy. How could you ever do that to your child? There was a show I watched about a mother who drugged her son, husband and daughter with antifreeze or something. Apparently if you put it in coca cola you can't taste it so they never knew. The daughter ended up living and the mother is in prison but really? Great job
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2016
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The mother was obviously on drugs, probably meth. THat's the only way I could see something so terrible happening.
Comment from judiverse
This is too gross-out for me. You really condense things and let the reader in on a lot in this flash. Mom was quite the butcher, and told her husband to leave because he wasn't up to all that blood and guts. The son wants to prove himself, but he does it in an unexpected way that really creates the twist ending. Did he have to prove his bravery by killing himself? He thought so. What will Mom think? judi
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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This is too gross-out for me. You really condense things and let the reader in on a lot in this flash. Mom was quite the butcher, and told her husband to leave because he wasn't up to all that blood and guts. The son wants to prove himself, but he does it in an unexpected way that really creates the twist ending. Did he have to prove his bravery by killing himself? He thought so. What will Mom think? judi
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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I hope Mom was horrified and realized the damage she'd done. Still, the poor woman had to make a living. LOL
Children do tend to see things differently.
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Shari
Well this must be the best I've read so far. In true flash fiction form, and so much conveyed to the reader in so few words. I'm hugely impressed, though I always admire your writing talent. Through the eyes and mind of an eight year old ... mum must have enjoyed her work very much. I can well imagine some children might develop this kind of thinking when subjected to such mass killing. This is farm work and most would have accepted, though a little guidance would be good for the little one. Associating the killing, or unwillingness to kill with his father leaving ... such impact on a poor young boy. Maybe Mum may have had a bit of the psychopath in her after all? Any way, a tense psychological drama, complete with tension, the fear and the blood letting of horror. YIKES! You've done so well here Shari. I was believing Mum was a serial killer, dad couldn't do it with her, and the boy was about to find out if he could assist his mother, maybe he wouldn't be let off with a threat? That final sentence just wiped me out of my seat. Suicide .. an eight year old ... he must have found his mother very scary, to invoke such fear? True horror, so well done. My story seems a little 'chicken' (hahaha!) compared to this. Well done. We're not supposed to give sixes, I think this deserves a reward and exception to the rule. Well done. :))) Hugs - Lovi xoxo
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Hi Shari
Well this must be the best I've read so far. In true flash fiction form, and so much conveyed to the reader in so few words. I'm hugely impressed, though I always admire your writing talent. Through the eyes and mind of an eight year old ... mum must have enjoyed her work very much. I can well imagine some children might develop this kind of thinking when subjected to such mass killing. This is farm work and most would have accepted, though a little guidance would be good for the little one. Associating the killing, or unwillingness to kill with his father leaving ... such impact on a poor young boy. Maybe Mum may have had a bit of the psychopath in her after all? Any way, a tense psychological drama, complete with tension, the fear and the blood letting of horror. YIKES! You've done so well here Shari. I was believing Mum was a serial killer, dad couldn't do it with her, and the boy was about to find out if he could assist his mother, maybe he wouldn't be let off with a threat? That final sentence just wiped me out of my seat. Suicide .. an eight year old ... he must have found his mother very scary, to invoke such fear? True horror, so well done. My story seems a little 'chicken' (hahaha!) compared to this. Well done. We're not supposed to give sixes, I think this deserves a reward and exception to the rule. Well done. :))) Hugs - Lovi xoxo
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
What a great review to end my day. And I thank you for making my work an exception to your rule. I don't know where this come from. I just started writing. My second flash fiction horror story.
Hugs back to you, Lovi.
Shari
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I just had to read it again. WOW! This is great. I'll be happy if mine ever get this good. :)) Take care. Hugs - Lovi xoxo
