The Warning
A visit from my 100 year old self32 total reviews
Comment from Johnathan Sechrist
With the restriction of flash fiction, you were able to capture much of the moment in this tale without needing more to make it sink in. The setting of an elderly woman sitting in a wal mart give it such a real feel. Many of us can relate to seeing that one old lady he seems to be waiting for something, but never moves from that spot. Great tale. :)
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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With the restriction of flash fiction, you were able to capture much of the moment in this tale without needing more to make it sink in. The setting of an elderly woman sitting in a wal mart give it such a real feel. Many of us can relate to seeing that one old lady he seems to be waiting for something, but never moves from that spot. Great tale. :)
Comment Written 24-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I may add to this story soon. I think it could be great with a few more words and more conversation.
Comment from ciliverde
How interesting, your self 60 years into the future comes back to warn you. Seems she was right in her prediction, sadly. Great story,
Carol
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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How interesting, your self 60 years into the future comes back to warn you. Seems she was right in her prediction, sadly. Great story,
Carol
Comment Written 24-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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Thank you. It would be something if this could really happen. I may add to this story later.
Comment from Lynn27
This piece was interesting that makes a reader to think. I wondered how many people would listen to our older versions. You did a great job on capturing the supernatural element in your story.
I hope these events were not base on true incidents.
Lynn
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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This piece was interesting that makes a reader to think. I wondered how many people would listen to our older versions. You did a great job on capturing the supernatural element in your story.
I hope these events were not base on true incidents.
Lynn
Comment Written 24-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I'm not sure I would have listened when I was a young thing. I didn't even listen to my father when he told me the guy I wanted to marry was no good. Turns out he was right.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
Riveting story line and the intrigue of an older woman as a sage or fairy godmother in a way, only adds to the mystique. I enjoyed this very much. If only we all had one life guide when we need to hear it most!
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2016
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Riveting story line and the intrigue of an older woman as a sage or fairy godmother in a way, only adds to the mystique. I enjoyed this very much. If only we all had one life guide when we need to hear it most!
Comment Written 23-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I wish someone like her would have come along when I was young. But, who knows, I might not have listened.
Comment from Crennan87
This story is haunting! I really liked the premise. It might not be your writing style, but I think it could be eerie to show the tragedy fo her life at the very end of the story instead of summing it up in narration. Just a thought--but I do not think the story requires any change. Beautiful work.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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This story is haunting! I really liked the premise. It might not be your writing style, but I think it could be eerie to show the tragedy fo her life at the very end of the story instead of summing it up in narration. Just a thought--but I do not think the story requires any change. Beautiful work.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I intend to expand the story one day soon. With the prompt, I only had 500 words to work with. The story could be much better with more words.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I read this yesterday, but I did not have time to review. The story was very engaging and creative. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
Yet, some strange sense drew my eyes to her. ' I was just corrected on this very issue by Jay Squires. F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. (For, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) no comma is used after these words.
I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was but it drew me like a moth to flame. ' For this one, I recommend and comma before but.
Then it was like some strange force spun me around and, to my surprise, I found myself walking towards the old woman.' Same as above comma before the conjunction and.
She patted the bench beside her and I sat with no resistance.' suggest comma before and
I hope this is helpful. Great entry (this was my second choice). Congrats on second place!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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I read this yesterday, but I did not have time to review. The story was very engaging and creative. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
Yet, some strange sense drew my eyes to her. ' I was just corrected on this very issue by Jay Squires. F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. (For, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) no comma is used after these words.
I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was but it drew me like a moth to flame. ' For this one, I recommend and comma before but.
Then it was like some strange force spun me around and, to my surprise, I found myself walking towards the old woman.' Same as above comma before the conjunction and.
She patted the bench beside her and I sat with no resistance.' suggest comma before and
I hope this is helpful. Great entry (this was my second choice). Congrats on second place!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 22-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I will edit and fix my mistakes as soon as possible
Comment from DonandVicki
A very original plot for a story, the kind of plot that made me wonder " why didn't I think of that for a story." Very thought provoking.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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A very original plot for a story, the kind of plot that made me wonder " why didn't I think of that for a story." Very thought provoking.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I was thinking about my grandparents that I never knew when this story popped into my mind.
Comment from MTF1955
That was a extremely interesting. Sometimes we just need to heed our sixth sense in this case the old woman. Patterns are hard to break. Liked what you did with this writing prompt. Mary
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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That was a extremely interesting. Sometimes we just need to heed our sixth sense in this case the old woman. Patterns are hard to break. Liked what you did with this writing prompt. Mary
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you. Most young people would think and old woman was crazy if she tried to tell them something. It was a fun write.
Comment from Liberty Justice
Whoa this piece is amazingly scary. The old woman was a warning to the young woman who didn't listen. Filled with psychic abilities. NICE! liberty justice
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Whoa this piece is amazingly scary. The old woman was a warning to the young woman who didn't listen. Filled with psychic abilities. NICE! liberty justice
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you. How many young people would listen to an old woman? I had fun writing this.
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Good bye prettybluebirds!
Thank you for being my dear
friend!
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Writer. You are so creative and imaginative to have penned such a great story. Imagine a future-you speaking to you and giving you her advice. I enjoy reading this. And what a great picture to accompany your story... If this is a contest entry, I wish you luck.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Hi, Writer. You are so creative and imaginative to have penned such a great story. Imagine a future-you speaking to you and giving you her advice. I enjoy reading this. And what a great picture to accompany your story... If this is a contest entry, I wish you luck.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Belinda. I'm so thankful you took the time to read and comment on my story.
