haiku (salty waves)
haiku contest16 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This haiku, Salty Waves, uses its thirteen syllables to create the image of the mighty sea breaking at the surf and charging to the shore. It could mean a lot more if you allow it to, I think.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
  |
This haiku, Salty Waves, uses its thirteen syllables to create the image of the mighty sea breaking at the surf and charging to the shore. It could mean a lot more if you allow it to, I think.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
-
Of course, that was my intention. Thank you for the lovely review
Comment from cumulus365
This poem meets the syllables count of less than 17 syllables just like the entry requires. Though this piece describes waves of the water which is nature; however, "my lover comes" depicts emotion of human nature where "comes" is a personification nature, which should be a senryu. Here, the poet imagines the lover comes which also the entry indicates that " not something the poet imagines is happening". This satori is human emotion rather than the physical nature that the Jap poets intended for their haiku.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
 |
This poem meets the syllables count of less than 17 syllables just like the entry requires. Though this piece describes waves of the water which is nature; however, "my lover comes" depicts emotion of human nature where "comes" is a personification nature, which should be a senryu. Here, the poet imagines the lover comes which also the entry indicates that " not something the poet imagines is happening". This satori is human emotion rather than the physical nature that the Jap poets intended for their haiku.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
-
Well, as much as I appreciate your review... There the age long debate, about the difference between a senyru and a haiku. I've been writing haiku for years, and I often write in the traditional sense you speak of here. But there is a new trend in haiku, often called American haiku which is much more open to human emotion. Also, what is more natural than the ocean and two human beings having sex, which my intention here. None the less appreciate and thank you for your time and well thought review.
-
Yes, I agree, two humans having sex that is why you wrote "heave and crest". Very true about the American style. I did see that. Peace! Best.
Comment from maryvellef
Nice haiku though the image doesn't come that strong. The sea is a very good subject with a lot of colorful expressive ideas from its salty, tangy smell to the turf or whitecaps and I think your poem unfortunately doesn't give one easily such images. I find it too cold with its crest and heave even if you might be writing in a figurative way. Anyway, Tks for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
|
Nice haiku though the image doesn't come that strong. The sea is a very good subject with a lot of colorful expressive ideas from its salty, tangy smell to the turf or whitecaps and I think your poem unfortunately doesn't give one easily such images. I find it too cold with its crest and heave even if you might be writing in a figurative way. Anyway, Tks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
-
Anyway, I don't think you "got" the double meaning here (think sex). None the less, thank you for taking the time to read it.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Nicely done! I loved the imagery this creates. First, you think of actual waves and then realize it's two people. I am impressed. Well done!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
|
Nicely done! I loved the imagery this creates. First, you think of actual waves and then realize it's two people. I am impressed. Well done!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
-
Thank you, for your generous review!
-
Thank you for the review! I glad you liked it.
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written, but you missed a great opportunity for a play on words. There is very good imagery and descriptive schemes. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
|
This is very well written, but you missed a great opportunity for a play on words. There is very good imagery and descriptive schemes. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
-
I think I did a pretty good job on word play. But none the less, thank you for the "excellent" and the time you took to review this haiku.
Comment from rspoet
This is a fine entry for the contest
with 3-6-4 syllables to the form
Good imagery in the salty waves and their movement
with solid grammatical connection
in the present tense
A fine third line satori reflective thought
well done
Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
|
This is a fine entry for the contest
with 3-6-4 syllables to the form
Good imagery in the salty waves and their movement
with solid grammatical connection
in the present tense
A fine third line satori reflective thought
well done
Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
-
Thank you so much for the lovely review
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
This can be taken a couple of different ways with the satori written as it is. A good entry into the "Write a Haiku" contest. A strong contender to win, I would think. Great job. Good luck in the contest. God bless and hugs, Susanne
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
|
This can be taken a couple of different ways with the satori written as it is. A good entry into the "Write a Haiku" contest. A strong contender to win, I would think. Great job. Good luck in the contest. God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
-
Thank you for noticing my "double" message, and it won't win because it's too controversial. But that's why I like haiku. None the less, thank your for your time and review.
Comment from JennC
You did a great job with the syllable count on this haiku. I'm going confess I'm not entirely certain I understood the last line in conjunction with the first two. (That may be a failing on my part and not yours, however.) I love the background color you chose for this poem. It seems appropriate for the waves. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
|
You did a great job with the syllable count on this haiku. I'm going confess I'm not entirely certain I understood the last line in conjunction with the first two. (That may be a failing on my part and not yours, however.) I love the background color you chose for this poem. It seems appropriate for the waves. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
-
I am sorry you didn't "get" the satori line. None less thank you for the review.
-
I'm sorry I didn't get it either. I confess I'm puzzled. :-/
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I really like your haiku. Your haiku is well done and it has a clever satori. The presentation is awesome. Good job with the syllable count is 3/6/5 which is well within the seventeen syllables allowed.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2016
|
I really like your haiku. Your haiku is well done and it has a clever satori. The presentation is awesome. Good job with the syllable count is 3/6/5 which is well within the seventeen syllables allowed.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2016
-
Thank you, I went "over the top" with the satori. I'm not sure will REALLY get it, but thank you for the wonderful review.
-
if you ever want to learn about how to write haiku, let me know
you did a good job but it was over the top as you say
-
I know how to write haiku. This one is actually of the new modern genre, and I felt like being a little adventurous.
-
Yes, of course. I'm sorry for being an ass. I love haiku. I do like classical better but that is just my taste.
-
You are not an ass, and you don't even know who I am or what I write. You were just trying to help, and appreciate that.
Comment from tfawcus
I like the way you turn the metaphor back on itself in this, to form an ending that surprises. This turning of an image in nature to reflect a human passion seems to me to capture something of the essence of haiku - though I'm afraid that I am no expert in the form.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2016
|
I like the way you turn the metaphor back on itself in this, to form an ending that surprises. This turning of an image in nature to reflect a human passion seems to me to capture something of the essence of haiku - though I'm afraid that I am no expert in the form.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2016
-
Thank you for the very thoughtful review
