Comment from Treischel

Excellent

This is a wonderful love story full of drama, murder, and remorse. It reads well and spins the tale expertly. Lots of alliteration, and poetic imagery creates a true poetic romance. I enjoyed the read. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 01-Jun-2016

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reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016

Thanks so much for stopping by. I'm wondering now if I've left you a review. I've read you're tour de force several times and enjoyed it quite a bit. I discovered I've read quite a few more than I've reviewed though. LOL
I'll try and make sure soon. Nice to have these in our portfolio regardless of the results though. Thanks so much. mikey

Comment from Susanne M. Psyris

Excellent

A very fine, well-written, beautiful Crown of Heroic Sonnet here. Reads extremely smoothly and any metric substitutions did go unnoticed by this reader. I thoroughly enjoyed this and wish you best of luck in the contest. God bless and hugs, Susanne

 Comment Written 31-May-2016

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reply by the author on 03-Jun-2016

How nice of you to stop by, Susanne. I promise to do likewise in the near future. I have read your lovely work and loved it. I've just been buried. I do owe you a review though. Well, not many have one of these to wave about. Good for us. Blessings to you, mikey

Comment from Dawn Munro

Exceptional

Okay, well first off, I can't offer any technical tips that weren't already offered by others, so my review is mostly going to be how I feel about the piece, and I'll tell you, right from the beginning, your title is impressive and a great lure. There were some real atrocities that took place in history, and Jus Primae Noctis is a good example (although they say it's never been proved actual intercourse took place...huh? Anyone wanna lay bets against it? I'll give 50-1 odds it happened most, if not ALL of the time...LOL)

The next thing I have to say I pray won't offend -- I would have loved to see the story he is telling in retrospect unfold. That, to me, is the only critique I can offer on this glorious piece. Instead of having him tell it (I can't believe I am going to say this!!!) I wish he had 'shown' me by having it happen like a story-in-a-poem, as you begin to do by the fifth sonnet. But then, that's not a real critique, just personal preference because bold adventure tied in with romance, tied in with the sea, and the schooner, and the drama of it all...sigh...(LOL - I know; run-on...*grin*)

Oh wait -- one other small thing - "aged". I know it is tempting to lead the reviewer by the nose through our writing when there are things some won't "get" - LOL - but for heaven's sake, don't hyphenate 'aged' when you submit for publication. If any editor is THAT illiterate, I give up! (LOL) (Surely the majority who call themselves editors and/or writers will know how to enunciate properly!!! And if they don't HERE, that's what the notes are for - but again - I get it. Some don't even read the whole thing, never mind the notes.) !!!

But Mikey, regardless, this is the richest of love stories, told in divine poetic language, and utilizing poetic device to perfection - nothing, not even the ample alliteration, feels forced in any way. It's beautiful.

 Comment Written 22-May-2016

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reply by the author on 23-May-2016

Hmmm. I love the wonderful thorough read you gave this. I love your suggestions and you have me tempted to ADD to this. I write off the top of my head and it probably shows by it really settling in later in the piece. They made me do the a-ged thing. As soon as the contest is over, that's over too. I think it's dumb. A couple things I'm changing that I'm being forced to do so I don't have to listen to them. Grrrrr.
A lot of things are so naturally determined by the established flow of the piece. The pronunciations are automatic as someone reads it. They're aleady swept along by the rhythm.
There was a big argument over this because I wrote it so fast and it pissed the purests off. HAHAHA! Oh well. I think yours is stellar. It will be a hoot to see the voting go down. I bet Trump wins somehow. mikey

reply by Dawn Munro on 23-May-2016

Who is Trump? Donald? Are you talking about American politics or the Crown contest? Forgive me, I missed something...LOL. As far as what others are telling you to do, I guess all I can say is, unless you agree with the advice, I wouldn't take it. (That goes for my advice too - *smile*. It's YOUR piece.) And BTW, you inspired a poem I will be posting tonight after midnight with YOUR crown... :))

reply by the author on 23-May-2016

How cool, I'll look for it.
I just take the advice because of the contest rules. I'll change it when the contest is over. I want to have a different word in the last line but it's a no no. Blech...
Yeah, Trump American politics, lame joke about politics in the Crown voting. LOL

reply by Dawn Munro on 23-May-2016

OH! That's great, and now you have me intrigued too - I want to know what the word is you want to add...

I'm afraid I tend to lean towards being a rebel when it comes to writing, but when it's a contest, sticking with the rules of the form is the obvious choice. But I've said it before and I'll say it again - who says I can't invent a form? I'M a poet, and forms were/are invented by poets. LOL. But then there are forms I want to know how to use because I think they're beautiful, or I already know how to use them and they're the 'fit' for what comes, you know?

Haiku, is a good example though - the purists drive me NUTS! Basho himself was quoted as saying, "Know the rules, and then break them. But first, know the rules." LOL.

I was first exposed to Japanese culture in the 1970's! Basil Shintani, my teacher, was a seventh degree black belt - at that time the only one in the world - I don't know if there have been more since. But you do not reach that kind of level without 'knowing' a little something about minimalist thinking, being in the moment, and so on. ALL my training centered around the mind, the culture, and control before ever learning various moves. A few took it seriously - the majority did not, but I sure did, and I know this - there are three basic moves that will disable just about anyone if they are perfected - only THREE. Surprised?

I haven't a clue anymore who the experts might be, but I do know anything beyond a third degree black belt is pretty much AWESOME and when one learns from a master like Shintani, you better believe it's not about the karate people associate with fighting.

When Shintani said 'perfected', he meant those moves became no longer conscious thought but automatic reaction, ingrained in mind and body like muscle memory after dialing the same telephone number for years.

The first time it happened for me was the most incredible feeling, and for me, that's what I try to achieve with haiku. Surface simplicity that gets deeper and deeper as the meanings are un-ravelled... LOL.) So the purists be damned - how many of those so-called experts ever had the opportunity to be immersed in the culture?

I guess what I am saying, Mikey, is the old, "To thine self be true." I use this example all the time too ('cuz I LIKES it! LOL) - I do not care for Piccaso's art - does that mean it's no good? Hahahahaha! You go, my friend, and more power to you!

reply by the author on 24-May-2016

It's just a simple word change.
"I" to "and" in the last sentence. A small thing, but it's the way it SHOULD read.
A couple other things, but nothing big.
I do think learning the rules is cool. I feel like you should earn the right to break them. But then, break them any which way you wish. New forms, yep. You are certainly good enough to write anything any way you want. Not many here can tell you otherwise. :))

Comment from I am Cat

Exceptional

Hello Mikey,
I'm still on the road here and so my review may be weak but what I don't want to happen is that another week goes by without my telling you how wonderful I think this Crown of Sonnets is.
And although I'm on an iPhone and cannot do it justice, I did want to tell you how wonderful it is (though I'm sure many have by now)
And it is. ;-)
I hope I haven't missed the contest... I haven't had a chance to read the others yet either.
Big hugs and please know that I will try my best to get back to the ones I've missed along the way.
Cat

 Comment Written 11-Apr-2016

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reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016

Hi there stranger, I thought you'd taken off and left the state or something. Gee, you didn't have to come back and do this. Wonderful words of praise are always just fine with me. The contest is weeks away and awaiting your entry. It's just a bunch of sonnets attached to each other. Ask your teacher, he'll tell you. I truly am pleased you liked this, I kind of like it too. It seems like I did something when I look at it. LOL There's a lot of it anyway. Thanks so very much. Drive safe, mikey

Comment from mountainwriter49

Good

Second Review: 4 Stars
First Review: 4 Stars

Hi, Mikey,

I apologize for being so late in responding to your reply and in reviewing the many good edits you've made to your Crown. I'm very pleased you restored the second octave in sonnet 7 as well as brought the last line into compliance with contest rules.

Despite the many good changes you've made, there are still a few contest compliant issues remaining. All are rhyme issues.

In sonnet 1, the rhyme pattern in the couplet should be ee; however, it is ef. 'Was' is not a rhyme with 'because.' I realize you're using the common vernacular pronunciation of the two words (per your reply); however, iambic pentameter is the great levelizer of the English language and pushes the poet to use standard pronunciations. This is particularly true when a piece as well done as this Crown uses standard English throughout. No matter how much you want these two words to rhyme, they do not.

In sonnet 2, the rhyme pattern of abababab is not utilized. I must have missed it during the initial review. I apologize for that. The rhyme pattern I am seeing is as follows: abbbbbbb. 'Was' does not rhyme with the following words: all / claws / squall / claws / fall / pause / ball. However, these seven words all rhyme with each other. Each of these seven words all share same 'o' vowel sound. The word 'was' does not have an 'o' vowel sound, it has an 'a' vowel sound.

In Sonnet 3, the 'a' rhyme pattern is still off. The words, above / glove are true rhymes. I do not believe they are rhymes with the words: enough / confronts. What you are hearing here is slight assonance and perhaps some consonance. One of the issues I have with teaching blank verse is when is a common vowel sound just assonance or rhyme. I took the rhyming course with Brooke to find answers to this question. I suppose that's why I'm fairly strong on these two words being assonance at best, but surely not rhymes.

In sonnet 7, the words dreams / me would also apply to the assonance discussion above. I did not mention this rhyme pair as an issue in my original review, but reviewing the word pairings in the previous comment bought this to mind.

From a contest compliance issue, it seems to me you still have issues with the rhymes I've mentioned above. I'd like to see this crown not have any technical issues, thus these detailed follow-up comments.

Please let me know if you make further edits. I'll be glad to return for another review and hopefully restore the 5th Star.

Respectfully,
Ray

Hello, Mikey,

I read your reviews and see you've written this in just four hours! WOW! It took me 2 weeks to write my Crown. It's amazing our our muses affect us differently.

The title of the Crown is superb and lends that bit of antiquity and uniqueness to the overall feel of the sonnet.

I think you've done a splendid job of stating the theme in sonnet 1 and developing it throughout the Crown.

Since this is a contest, let me get down to some technical specifics as well so as to help you avoid trouble with the CCC.

S1

For the most part the iambics are spot-on. I did not see specifics in the rules about allowing metrical substitutions. I feel metrical substitutions can add to the dramatic quality of of long piece if it is used sparingly and wisely. I found the following metrical substitutions:

MIDST MIST y SPRAY ......
I like this trochee substitution for the first foot. It adds emphasis to the unsettled seas, as well as the emotional upheaval. I will not mark you down for this since the rules are not clear, but you may want to check with the sponsor to make sure this would not knock you out of the competition.

The rhyme pattern does give me pause in several areas. Octave 1 fully follows the abababab pattern. I do have some concerns with Octave 2 and the closing couplet.

The C rhymes are solid: speak / weak / seek / meek.

The D rhymes give me some concern. For example:
heard/demurred/incurred/lured. heard / demurred / incurred all share the same 'er' vowel sound. However, lured has an 'o' vowel sound. Thus, it is an eye rhyme and not a real rhyme. (See merriman-webster.com)

In the closing couplet, I do not believe because / was are rhymes. Because has an 'o' or 'e' vowel sound. Was has an 'a' vowel sound. (see meriman-webster.com)

Suggested word edits:
out loud = aloud
treacherous the cost = the costsThe

Sonnet 2

The iambics are solid in this sonnet. There's smooth flow of read enhanced by enjambment.

The rhyme pattern in this sonnet causes me some concern as follows:

The A rhyme pattern is off a bit: was / mirage / claws / pause.
While was and mirage are proximate rhymes, they do not rhyme with claws / pause. These latter two are proximate rhymes, each with an 'o' vowel sound, but both with a slightly different 'o' sound.

The B rhyme pattern works extremely well.

The c rhyme pattern works with killed / build / guild / killed. While killed / killed is an identical rhyme and works technically, just as a note, identical rhyme really should be avoided.

The D rhyme pattern as well as the EE rhyme pattern in the couplet work extremely well.

Sonnet 3

The meter is spot-on.

The rhymes feel off in the A pattern. Above / glove are true rhymes, while they are very distant slant rhymes with enough an engulf. I do not hear any vowel similarity with the two pairs of words.

The rhymes in the CDCD and EE formats are strong and effective.

Suggested wording edits:
My tears make oceans small like looking pools
[my tears make oceans like reflecting pools]
This is just a personal note, What's a looking pool? I've always heard them referred to as reflecting pools.

cursed = curs-ed
Just to make sure readers know you're using the archaic version of pronunciation.

Sonnet 4

The iambics are solid and I admired the spondee substitution in line 5 with SICK-SWINE

You use good, strong rhymes in the A, C, D and E rhyme pairings. I think the slant rhymes in the B rhyme pattern are a bit weak. Shaft just seems very far out there. While the dictionary shows the 'a' vowel that the others use, the consonance of the other three words are so different from that of shaft.

I do wonder about the tense issues in this sonnet. There is a switching from present to past to present tenses. in lines 1-3, for example: pay / flashed / slay. I think the flashed and glad slay caught my eye. Should it be 'gladly slew'?

Possible word edits:
come to dine = or to dine
come seems odd sounding to me.

Sonnet 5

The iambics are strong.

The rhyme patterns are good, even the slant rhymes are good. With that said, I think the repetition of 'night' in octave 2 weakens the poem. Identical rhymes should be avoided if possible.


Suggested Word Edits:
that pig = that swine
Pig just isn't in keeping with the language being used in the sonnet.

aged = a-ged

and to it my ship flies?
This is not an airplane. I know the rhyme issues, but I think of water vessels sailing, not flying.

me sweet dear = my sweet dear
You're using higher language than ship-talk in the rest of the sonnet. 'me dear' seems out of place.
Sonnet 6

The iambics are strong as is the enjambment. I liked the trochee in line 7: TURN BACK, we BEG you....

The abababab rhyme pattern works well. The C rhyme pattern works well. The slant rhymes of back / lack / tact / track work. The EE rhyme pattern is quite strong.

Sonnet 7

This final sonnet is quite emotive, strong and a superb ending to the Crown. I liked it very much.

The iambics are strong in most places. Some variations I must mention.

Line 6. This line is mostly trochaic and not just a headless iamb. Why? Because the line reads trochaic.
SWIM, my LOVE, she CALLS, i CREASE my BROW
Don't misunderstand me, I like it. Just raising a flag because of what the CCC might think.

Your use of feminine verse in lines 9 & 11 are well done and effective.

The rhyme pairing works well with each of the groupings.

I must say, and respectfully so, the decision to not use a second octave completely breaks the pattern used in the first six sonnets. I firmly believe that a formal piece of poetry should follow pattern. I understand why you did it, but I would have liked to have seen you figure out the rhyming patterns to maintain consistency with the overall piece.

Your very slight change to the first word in the last line, thus making it not-complaint with contest rules is something you might want to reconsider. For personal posts, I find no issues with very slight changes to lines, but the rules are specific.

I'm not judging this contest, but offering these thoughts to you as a friend and one who writes and teaches sonnet forms. I also understand contest rules vs. personal preferences. The contest rules trump personal preferences. When not in a contest, personal preferences trump so many opinions of others. :)

The Crown, overall, is very well done. The theme is well introduced, well developed in sonnets 2-6 and concludes beautifully in sonnet 7. You have used enjambment and caesura to excellent effect, thus enhancing the read of the sonnets. You've used excellent phrasing and wording, and in some lines, evoking that olde sea-fearing era of tall ships. I liked that. You've used alliteration to good effect--not too much, just enough.

My concerns with the Crown are several, and I'll only repeat the ones which I feel affect the rating. Many of my comments are suggestions and do not apply to rules, etc.

The rhyme issues in some of the sonnets are of concern. While I understand English is a rhyme-poor language and slant/proximate rhymes are a necessity, they should at least have some 'ear' sound. My failure to hear them may just be my Southern ear vs. yours. That's quite possible. With that said, some rhymes are eye rhymes and not rhymes at all. I urge you to work on those issues prior to the booth opening.

I liked your use of metrical substitutions, but will the committee? I hope they will because they added dramatic appeal and flair to the read of the Crown.

The change of word in the last line could cost you compliance since the rules are specific. I would suggest you change it to make it contest complaint.

I know how much work goes into this sort of poetic endeavour. I admire the concept you developed for this Crown as well as your execution of it. My scoring deals with my concerns of compliance for the contest rules relating to rhyme and the repeating lines.

If you make edits, please let me know so I can return and restore the otherwise much deserved 5th Star. Mikey, had these issues not presented themselves I would have given this poetic six stars.

Best luck to you in the contest.

Ray




This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 05-Apr-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016

Just wonderful, Ray. Wow, what can I say. There are a couple rhymes that I do believe are differences in pronunciation. I forget that I do have an accent here in California. "was" and "because" are perfect rhymes to me, LOL. The sound for both us "uh" wuhz and becuhz. :))

I think I used almost all of your suggestions. I even rewrote the last stanza.
I changed the one word in the last line though that was the one I was most reluctant to do. You're correct, of course, it is a contest and it's a little arrogant of me to try and shove that by. I can change it later, no big deal.
I'm pleased with most of the changes and I think they're great improvements. I like to post early and get the help. I'm still learning, so I'll let the pros have strategy. My strategy is to get the pros to help me. HAHAHA!! Thanks a million. mikey

reply by mountainwriter49 on 06-Apr-2016

Mikey, I have posted my follow-up comments to your edits. My new comments are at the top of the original review. Please let me know if you have questions. -Ray

reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016

Hi, Ray

reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016

Hi, Ray

Comment from Dorothy Farrell

Exceptional

Hi Mikey, this is truly a mammoth crown of sonnets beautifully written. The rhyme throughout is good, a couple of near rhymes - and feminine endings in sonnet VII. The story line is excellent. I think most men accepted the ritual, even if they did not like it. But your story is more exciting. In stanza VI - the line 'Perhaps I must adopt a different tact' - do you mean 'tack'? In sonnet V - first line of your final couplet - 'me should be my' as in 'I know the voice I hear is MY sweet dear'. Beautifully written in true sonnet form, good iambic pentameter, abababab etc, rhyme well achieved and great couplets throughout. A great read - I think this will be hard to beat - good luck - warm regards Dorothy

 Comment Written 03-Apr-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016

So sorry to be responding late. I'm still smiling though after four or five days. Wow. I'm so delighted you enjoyed this. I did fix those areas you pointed out. Thank you, those were good improvements.
Lots of entries to come. I'm just happy to look and see it finished and looking pretty good. A wonderful six star review doesn't hurt a bit either!! Thanks so very much, mikey

reply by the author on 10-Apr-2016

Hi, Ray. I'm so sorry I didn't notice this much earlier. Apparently there's no kind of prompt or notice to let me know you've revisited. Did you edit the first review? Perhaps that is is. I'll take a close look at those rhymes as I prefer solid true rhymes myself and seldom use slant or near rhymes. I did feel uncomfortable with all of the ones you mentioned even though I could give a good out loud reading of them. But, of course, I'm probably compensating when I'm reciting. LOL I'll get back to you as soon as I can. This will take a little time I expect. Thanks a million. I can see you spent a lot of time and it is most appreciated. mikey

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

That is a custom frowned upon by the groom, sometimes even the bride. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.

 Comment Written 02-Apr-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016

HAHAHA! Yep, I suppose the bride had to pretend NOT to enjoy once in a while. LOL
Thanks a million, Charlie. mikey

Comment from jlsavell

Excellent

MrCahill!!!!!!!!What a tour de force!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhemmmmm mate, what can I say except bestow a froth of stars of which I do not own. Wow kid, who knew that such talent abounds in your soul!!! I am jealous, a poet envy. beautiful work. I am speechless.. Jimi

 Comment Written 02-Apr-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016

Kid? Hahaha. Well, thanks so much. I just made all of it up really. I'm truly thrilled that you enjoyed it. You're natural rhythm is close to this. You just don't know it. Well, you're hard to convince. LOL
Big smiles form the kid. I'm going out to play stick ball with the neighborhood kids now. :)) mikey

reply by jlsavell on 08-Apr-2016

Did anyone ever rell you, you are nuts? Lol, a good kind of nuts. See you and Gloria have posted, will be by this weekend and we'll discuss this? Coffee or wine?

reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016

I've had people tell me that, yes. But they don't leave so it's a good thing, yes? Coffee or vodka. I'll do the wine thing to appear to be a social drinker and have a semblance of decorum if necessary. Should I wear a tie? Shirt? LOL!!!

reply by jlsavell on 08-Apr-2016

Well let ne think on that. So when you wear a tie, do you wear it a la carte? Hey, if its wine you have to play the social part. Candlelight, Nat King Cole, Etta James, pate' cashmere woods, sultry moonliggt, barefeet, a funny joke, bubbles, oops, the finest Belgium or Dutc
h chocolate and strawberries, a soft word, a pheromone scent, a sweet smile, and whatever else you can think of.

reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016

a paddle game....

reply by jlsavell on 08-Apr-2016

Hysterical! Your momma?

Comment from Taffspride

Exceptional

Wow Mikey, this is absolutely brilliant, your talent neverfails to amaze me. My interest was piqued by the title, by your tale truly captured my interest and total attention.

If there was any-thing that needed ediing, I am afraid I did not see it. Your tale reminded me in part of the opening Chapters of the first book in Norah Lofts' trilogy 'The Town House'

A fantastc write Mikey, Now I have to re-reas it and bookcase it. Before the bttery on my tablt dies.

Thanks for sharing

Iechyd da

Ann

 Comment Written 02-Apr-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016

Wow, Ann. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this. When I look at the completed work it's hard to believe I did it. LOL
I've received some little edits along the way here and there, so, plenty of help. I'll have to look up that work.
Thanks a million. I'm all smiles. mikey

Comment from flylikeaneagle

Excellent

Michael: a fifteen!!! Wow, so manyyyyyy words for you. The challenge was met and I'm impressed. The king was to lay with your love and wife? He got to have the pleasure and ruin her. I'm sure your heart was in the right place. But, now you run and your bride is waiting.

Maybe, you will wed in Heaven with your bride. I like your repeats from one to another stanza. How could this law be? Your heart is hers alone. Well done!
flylikeaneagle

Great colors...so creative, michael

 Comment Written 02-Apr-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016

Hi. So delighted you enjoyed this. Lots of words, yes? You just have to do it one line at a time and one section at a time. It isn't as bad as it looks really. But it feels good to look at it when it's done. LOL
Thanks a million, mikey

reply by flylikeaneagle on 08-Apr-2016

Amazing writing, you are talented!

Prom walk is at 6pm saturday. I will have to write this later. How do you turn it in??? flylikeaneagle