Sometimes Roses, Sometimes Thorns
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Blinded By Everything"A collection of sonnets
10 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
This reads a bit like an exercise from the advanced sonneteer course. How to break the rules and still stay alive. I can live quite happily with the feminine endings in S1 but I just do not like the seven syllable final line of S1. I think this is what they call a metric substituion. I would have another name for it.
Having broken all the rules in S1 you settle down to make amends in the remainder of the work. Some nice alliteration in both S2 and S3.
Th volta kicks in at line 9 and seems in the last two lines of that quatrains to be apologising for your work in S1 where you attempted to make taboo divine.
I sense a tongue tucked into cheek to see who would take the bait. Well I took it but like a wily old carp I've spat it out again. This is fun but those seven syllables or rather the three that weren't there spoilt it for me.
I'll give it five but you will understand, I hope, why I won't be voting for it.
Second review. That's better. A headless iamb is acceptable. The headless chicken was not.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
  |
This reads a bit like an exercise from the advanced sonneteer course. How to break the rules and still stay alive. I can live quite happily with the feminine endings in S1 but I just do not like the seven syllable final line of S1. I think this is what they call a metric substituion. I would have another name for it.
Having broken all the rules in S1 you settle down to make amends in the remainder of the work. Some nice alliteration in both S2 and S3.
Th volta kicks in at line 9 and seems in the last two lines of that quatrains to be apologising for your work in S1 where you attempted to make taboo divine.
I sense a tongue tucked into cheek to see who would take the bait. Well I took it but like a wily old carp I've spat it out again. This is fun but those seven syllables or rather the three that weren't there spoilt it for me.
I'll give it five but you will understand, I hope, why I won't be voting for it.
Second review. That's better. A headless iamb is acceptable. The headless chicken was not.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Holy crap! There's a whole word missing. I just can't believe no one noticed that. Hell, I can't believe I haven't noticed it. HAHAHA!! Yeah, that is taking metric substitution to the extreme. Thanks for pointing that out. It is a headless iamb, but with NINE syllables, not SEVEN for God's sake.
I'm pleased you appreciated the rest of it. Take a look if you can bring yourself to do so, it's as it should be now. These people are blind. :)) Thanks for the close look. It may have stayed like that for eternity. LOL
-
Lol. But even like that it was = 1! I despair of some the reviewers and the electorate here.
-
It can get sad. HA! Well, at least it looks better now. A feminine ending followed by a headless iamb. Sounds better anyway. Thanks again.
Comment from mfowler
Terrific stuff, Mikey. The poetic skills are all on display in this excellent sonnet. The story of a tease who drives the speaker wild. Your structure is perfect with a solid volta and a cheeky final couplet. The mood is sincere yet the words still convey a subtle humour. Your use of enjambment and clever punctuation make the verse more interesting to read aloud. Best of luck. May the best sonnet win.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
|
Terrific stuff, Mikey. The poetic skills are all on display in this excellent sonnet. The story of a tease who drives the speaker wild. Your structure is perfect with a solid volta and a cheeky final couplet. The mood is sincere yet the words still convey a subtle humour. Your use of enjambment and clever punctuation make the verse more interesting to read aloud. Best of luck. May the best sonnet win.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Just read yours. Uh oh. A real competition. HAHAHA. I thought I'd sneak in for some cheap bucks. I guess half a dozen good writers had the same idea. :)) Good luck. Maybe we'll get our money back. At least we have another good piece for our portfolio. :))
Comment from Authorsue
Nice poem. I think we can all relate at some point in our lives.
I did find a few lines that needed fixing,
1. 2nd line, you don't need 'when'. It says the same thing without it and the flow is a little better.
2. 2nd stanza, 3rd line. I would get rid of 'some slight' and replace it with 'a'.
3. 3rd stanza, 3rd line. 'taboo' doesn't fit. How about 'or two'.
4. Last line. You don't need the ellipses.
Keep going. You have a flair.
Authorsue
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
|
Nice poem. I think we can all relate at some point in our lives.
I did find a few lines that needed fixing,
1. 2nd line, you don't need 'when'. It says the same thing without it and the flow is a little better.
2. 2nd stanza, 3rd line. I would get rid of 'some slight' and replace it with 'a'.
3. 3rd stanza, 3rd line. 'taboo' doesn't fit. How about 'or two'.
4. Last line. You don't need the ellipses.
Keep going. You have a flair.
Authorsue
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Hi, Authorsue. Thanks for the tips. In this form, I'm restricted by the syllable counts so I can't shorten the lines. I have to have ten beats in each line. thanks for the encouragement. :))
-
You're very welcome.
Comment from Janet Foor
Clever picture and presentation to your sonnet.
Good abab rhyme and good use of alliteration throughout.
Well done and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
|
Clever picture and presentation to your sonnet.
Good abab rhyme and good use of alliteration throughout.
Well done and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Thanks a million. We'll see how it goes. Some strong entries. :))
Comment from foxangie123
Although I do not agree with how I interpreted this, which I'm usually off and wrong, it is written very well. If there is a sign, it's a sign so it doesn't just happen if fall in my opinion today. It's still excellent work.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
|
Although I do not agree with how I interpreted this, which I'm usually off and wrong, it is written very well. If there is a sign, it's a sign so it doesn't just happen if fall in my opinion today. It's still excellent work.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Well, Angie, it's just a guy who likes a girl and she doesn't seem to notice him no matter what he does. That's all. Thanks for reading and the fair rating. :))
Comment from kiwisteveh
I enjoy seeing the all too serious sonnet being converted to humorous intent as you have done here. Perhaps the first clue is the whimsical rhyme of befalls us/borealis and of course there is the great punchline confirmed by the pseudo Peanuts cartoon.
Lots of fun. Good luck.
Steve
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
|
I enjoy seeing the all too serious sonnet being converted to humorous intent as you have done here. Perhaps the first clue is the whimsical rhyme of befalls us/borealis and of course there is the great punchline confirmed by the pseudo Peanuts cartoon.
Lots of fun. Good luck.
Steve
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Glad you got a kick out of it. I started out a bit serious, and then I realized it never works out the way it does in my poems, so I told the truth. :)) Thanks so much.
Comment from William Ross
great job a wonderful read good rhyme and rhythm. a true sonnet to form. great job and good luck on this have a wonderful day.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
|
great job a wonderful read good rhyme and rhythm. a true sonnet to form. great job and good luck on this have a wonderful day.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Thanks a lot. Pleased you enjoyed. :))
Comment from koolaid228
I sense a little love within this poem, it talks of love from a different angle, I especially like the Charlie Brown cartoon insert, as well as the artwork and
color that takes your attention straight to the poem, well at least it did for me.
Great job, thank you for sharing. koolaid228
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
|
I sense a little love within this poem, it talks of love from a different angle, I especially like the Charlie Brown cartoon insert, as well as the artwork and
color that takes your attention straight to the poem, well at least it did for me.
Great job, thank you for sharing. koolaid228
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Yep, some love extended for sure. Not sure if any will be returned though. :))
Comment from Ricky1024
1who was extremely well presented by like the Artistry with the Deep Red print on the black background that she'll help it in the contest over good luck with this and this is Ricky 1024 reviewing your 10 year old poem three-line poem or whatever kind of central whatever it is and I don't like this stuff thanks for
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
|
1who was extremely well presented by like the Artistry with the Deep Red print on the black background that she'll help it in the contest over good luck with this and this is Ricky 1024 reviewing your 10 year old poem three-line poem or whatever kind of central whatever it is and I don't like this stuff thanks for
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Most cool response. Thanks a bunch. :))
Comment from nordicgirl
This is flawless and hilarious. I am still laughing at your ending, it is CLASSIC. you cannot write one better. Good luck. A wiiner in my book. NG
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
 |
This is flawless and hilarious. I am still laughing at your ending, it is CLASSIC. you cannot write one better. Good luck. A wiiner in my book. NG
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
-
Well, we'll see. I noticed some top competition barged in to task me and my plan for easy money. But, I'll take your stellar review as a victory in and of itself. Thank you. :))
