Sometimes Roses, Sometimes Thorns
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "No Cost, No Return"A collection of sonnets
23 total reviews
Comment from l.raven
HI Michael, it is wonderful to be told I love you....but if you can't show it...something isn't right...words are cheap when it comes to saying I love you...true love has to be shown...well written sweetie...and I love the picture...you did a great job...luff Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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HI Michael, it is wonderful to be told I love you....but if you can't show it...something isn't right...words are cheap when it comes to saying I love you...true love has to be shown...well written sweetie...and I love the picture...you did a great job...luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 12-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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I couldn't have said it better myself, or I would have. LOL!!
Thanks so much, Linda Sweetness Incarnate. mikey
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your so welcome you...your a doll...luff xxoo
Comment from lightink
Now, that's striking! It starts out as an unloved and a bit heady guy taking about love.. but his character! With all the business metaphors! Wow! He sounds a bit obsessed and stuck in his head - but we feel for him, for poor one is so unloved...
Then, you twist it all around with "You say you love me, how can I be sure?"
Oh no! He is not unloved - just a creepy needy guy who wants reassurance 24/7!
Haha! Unless I totally misinterpret it...
Maybe words of reassurance is all he's getting but not real gestures of love...
That dramatic closing couplet it priceless.
The poem goes really well with Mr Tinman on the image :)!
Just one thing to mention:
Your meter is perfect, but stanza 2 and 3 has many monosyllabic words.
I think the flow is a bit better and more stable with more multisyllabic words.
However, I couldn't get myself to touch any of your lines - because every idea I had changed the meaning too much. So no specific ideas - rather just a future consideration...
Warmly,
J
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Now, that's striking! It starts out as an unloved and a bit heady guy taking about love.. but his character! With all the business metaphors! Wow! He sounds a bit obsessed and stuck in his head - but we feel for him, for poor one is so unloved...
Then, you twist it all around with "You say you love me, how can I be sure?"
Oh no! He is not unloved - just a creepy needy guy who wants reassurance 24/7!
Haha! Unless I totally misinterpret it...
Maybe words of reassurance is all he's getting but not real gestures of love...
That dramatic closing couplet it priceless.
The poem goes really well with Mr Tinman on the image :)!
Just one thing to mention:
Your meter is perfect, but stanza 2 and 3 has many monosyllabic words.
I think the flow is a bit better and more stable with more multisyllabic words.
However, I couldn't get myself to touch any of your lines - because every idea I had changed the meaning too much. So no specific ideas - rather just a future consideration...
Warmly,
J
Comment Written 11-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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An interesting take on this. Really mixed reviews too from all quarters. I'll look at those lines and see if I can fancy them up a bit. They probably stand out considering some of the other more ornate lines too. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from taylor2
unrequited love. such tragedy but a life lesson for all of us to be burden with. I thought the poem was pleasing but there was a few wording issues I stumbled on. I also felt a lack of passion but overall it was a good poem
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reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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unrequited love. such tragedy but a life lesson for all of us to be burden with. I thought the poem was pleasing but there was a few wording issues I stumbled on. I also felt a lack of passion but overall it was a good poem
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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I'd be most curious and it would be a great help if you could point out the wording issues. Usually with a four star all the help you can offer is appreciated. Thanks for reading and the detailed review. mikey
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I stumbled over the double endure and struggled with the ending due to the throne. It left me unsure if you were pledging allegiance and love to a king or just putting someone on a pedestal that led you to feel that way. But truly I know very little and I am no critic. Just trying to learn how to write and someday turn my passion into a profession.
Comment from Zinnia48
Thanks for sharing this splendid couplet/sonnet, Mikey. You did an excellent job of describing unrequited love. It sounds much better in poetry, than in real life! I'm very fond of those last words: oubliette alone. Caroline
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Thanks for sharing this splendid couplet/sonnet, Mikey. You did an excellent job of describing unrequited love. It sounds much better in poetry, than in real life! I'm very fond of those last words: oubliette alone. Caroline
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Oh yeah, it's so heroic and tender in poetry, In real life it sucks big time!!!! You are soooooo right. mikey
Comment from Joy Graham
Well that's a pretty gosh darn romantic sonnet. Makes an old gal like me swoon for whoever this chick is that doesn't return your poetry writing love. Have you tried singing to her outside her balcany? Try something Frank Sinatra-ish like, "Fly me to the moon..." Haha! How can you tell I was at the Kennedy Space Center yesterday? Fairy tales are on my mind after our Disney day too lol!
Nice sonnet form with unique enjambment. Good rhymes. I'm especially looking at the sure/endure and words/endured combos. I love your closing couplet.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Well that's a pretty gosh darn romantic sonnet. Makes an old gal like me swoon for whoever this chick is that doesn't return your poetry writing love. Have you tried singing to her outside her balcany? Try something Frank Sinatra-ish like, "Fly me to the moon..." Haha! How can you tell I was at the Kennedy Space Center yesterday? Fairy tales are on my mind after our Disney day too lol!
Nice sonnet form with unique enjambment. Good rhymes. I'm especially looking at the sure/endure and words/endured combos. I love your closing couplet.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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I can do Fly Me to The Moon and in Frank's voice too or Sammy Davis for a little jazzier effect. I don't think it will work though. HAHAHA. Thanks so much. Thanks for endure/endured, I LIKED that and not everyone did. mikey
Comment from I am Cat
Mikey,
I"m currently about to start Ray's (mw49) Sonnet101 class... ;) So sonnets are the thing of the hour, for me! woot! ;) Just read some dreadful Willysonnet's ugh. This, in IMHO is far better than his, and far more resonating for REAL life! ;) Afterall, I"m not some yellow, no... wait, brown.... now, wait, dangling leaf on a dead tree metaphor. ;) May I come to the dungeon with you? Cool toys! ;)
some thoughts on this lovely sonnet with flawless meter! ;)
for it is given(,) not received(,) my soul
perceives as truth--not traded vows we've...
(should that be a clause?)
I pledge with all my heart('s) fidelity.
(wouldn't this be the possessive of fidelity?)
I ask not that you do the same in kind.
You live your life--owe not a thing to me.
I'll give you everything as though I'm blind.
(beautifully said)
You say you love me, how can I be sure?
(nice subtle volta leading into the 10th line as well to include it)
'Til death I kneel before your empty throne--
without you in this oubliette alone.
(are you down in the dungeon again, playing with the torture devices?) ;)
May I join you? ;)
Seriously though.... she's a fool, my dear man. ((((hugs))))
or, this is fiction... either way... she's either a fool, or she will be. ;)
Mwah
C
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Mikey,
I"m currently about to start Ray's (mw49) Sonnet101 class... ;) So sonnets are the thing of the hour, for me! woot! ;) Just read some dreadful Willysonnet's ugh. This, in IMHO is far better than his, and far more resonating for REAL life! ;) Afterall, I"m not some yellow, no... wait, brown.... now, wait, dangling leaf on a dead tree metaphor. ;) May I come to the dungeon with you? Cool toys! ;)
some thoughts on this lovely sonnet with flawless meter! ;)
for it is given(,) not received(,) my soul
perceives as truth--not traded vows we've...
(should that be a clause?)
I pledge with all my heart('s) fidelity.
(wouldn't this be the possessive of fidelity?)
I ask not that you do the same in kind.
You live your life--owe not a thing to me.
I'll give you everything as though I'm blind.
(beautifully said)
You say you love me, how can I be sure?
(nice subtle volta leading into the 10th line as well to include it)
'Til death I kneel before your empty throne--
without you in this oubliette alone.
(are you down in the dungeon again, playing with the torture devices?) ;)
May I join you? ;)
Seriously though.... she's a fool, my dear man. ((((hugs))))
or, this is fiction... either way... she's either a fool, or she will be. ;)
Mwah
C
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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How cool. Ray's damn good and knowledgeable. I made the changes you suggested. Damn, I was beginning to think nobody would get this or like it. I thought it was pretty clear and okay. I'm not all I'm cracked up to be. Hahaha. Not true, I really am. mikey
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
We all have loved someone at some point, where the person don't love us as much as we do. I prefer a straight answer above pretending to love me.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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We all have loved someone at some point, where the person don't love us as much as we do. I prefer a straight answer above pretending to love me.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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YESSSS! Exactly, Sandra. That's my thinking to a tee. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from Gloria ....
I really can't say with any confidence I understand fully the meaning of your sonnet, Mikey, but what I can say is it is written in perfect meter and with lovely rhymes. The only word choices I question is endure, endured.
I take from your sonnet that this is akin to Crossing the Rubicon or a metaphor for deliberately proceeding past a point of no return.
One can or must consider the oubliette or dungeon a metaphor again of something hidden or an secret underworld place that is either occupied by an absent ghost or something recently deceased.
Other than that, what can I say, brilliant poetry and I dig it lots. :))
Gloria
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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I really can't say with any confidence I understand fully the meaning of your sonnet, Mikey, but what I can say is it is written in perfect meter and with lovely rhymes. The only word choices I question is endure, endured.
I take from your sonnet that this is akin to Crossing the Rubicon or a metaphor for deliberately proceeding past a point of no return.
One can or must consider the oubliette or dungeon a metaphor again of something hidden or an secret underworld place that is either occupied by an absent ghost or something recently deceased.
Other than that, what can I say, brilliant poetry and I dig it lots. :))
Gloria
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Oh, it seems to be a mixed response, totally clear understanding and then a more vague didn't get it response.
I kind of liked the stanza with endure/endured.
It has some undertones, but it's not all that deep. I used it to try and get the whole paint/photobucket thing another try.
This is just a guy professing his undying love to a woman he doesn't think loves him and he thinks he's doomed to live alone forever. Happy stuff. :))
The damn thing is, oobliette is a word I was told meant a cliff that one couldn't get to or exit on a mountainside. A girlfriend told me that and I never looked it up. I've always thought it meant that. DUH!
Now I don't know what to call the cliff.
mikey
Comment from krys123
Hi Mikey;
-gotta hand it to you written a beautiful sonnet and you should be commended for.
- each of your rhyming words are contingent and supportive to the meaning and concept of each of your lines therefore making your rhythm to flow smoothly. And also none of your rhymes were forced or labored which was also helpful.
- your rhythmic meter is an excellent iambic tetrameter and the cadence, timing and tempo wall helpful in making the reading clear, fluid and so very easy.
- the picture is outstandingly chosen and worked out perfectly and is very appropriate and relative to the concept and theme of your writing.
- good use of enjambment which is the running on of a thought and concept of one stanza, couplet and line to the next without a syntactical break.
- thanks for sharing and posting this Mikey and may the good Lord be with you always my friend.
Alex
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Hi Mikey;
-gotta hand it to you written a beautiful sonnet and you should be commended for.
- each of your rhyming words are contingent and supportive to the meaning and concept of each of your lines therefore making your rhythm to flow smoothly. And also none of your rhymes were forced or labored which was also helpful.
- your rhythmic meter is an excellent iambic tetrameter and the cadence, timing and tempo wall helpful in making the reading clear, fluid and so very easy.
- the picture is outstandingly chosen and worked out perfectly and is very appropriate and relative to the concept and theme of your writing.
- good use of enjambment which is the running on of a thought and concept of one stanza, couplet and line to the next without a syntactical break.
- thanks for sharing and posting this Mikey and may the good Lord be with you always my friend.
Alex
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Wow. What an uplifting and awesome review, Alex. I'm glad I spent the extra time with this trying to get it perfect. I guess I should do that everytime. Thanks a million, my friend. Blessings, mikey
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you're very welcome Mikey
Comment from Ric Myworld
"Shoot low sheriff he's riding a Shetland, and "Look out, I just saw a rat with a di . . . . . . . . . . . . that long. Meaning, just remember that, we never know what tomorrow brings and, good or bad, it's a crap shoot that doesn't cost a dime. So roll the dice, and don't ever do anything to stop the wheel. Thanks for another fine poem. :-)
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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"Shoot low sheriff he's riding a Shetland, and "Look out, I just saw a rat with a di . . . . . . . . . . . . that long. Meaning, just remember that, we never know what tomorrow brings and, good or bad, it's a crap shoot that doesn't cost a dime. So roll the dice, and don't ever do anything to stop the wheel. Thanks for another fine poem. :-)
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Glad you liked. Of course, the best a rat can do, is a rat. So I've still got that to gloat about. mikey
