Square One
A woman re-assessing herself.3 total reviews
Comment from rwilliam
Very nice chapter. Below are just some suggestions and that is all so take from it what you will, okay. :-)
She then sighed and sat down at the dining room table, looking at the pages of her diary strewn over it. Any page with their name was torn out and their name was blotted out with whatever had been close at hand.
--With tweaking this could read a bit better. Maybe-- With a heavy sigh she sat down at the dining room table.The torn pages of her diary strewn over it. Everywhere their names had been, she had blotted it out with whatever she could get her hands on. -- Just a thought. :-)
She got up from the table and got dressed, paying attention to detail.--You'd mentioned earlier that she had got up from the table to throw the pages in the bin and then you have her back sitting at the table. Might want to look at that. :-)
Her spine was straight as she took in a deep breath to try and relax.--Maybe: Her rigid spine ached as she took in a deep breath and tried to relax.--
I understand, I know it has been hard for you to try and pretend you loved me. Let's end it here." --I'm confused. Your main character is upset bc she's been heartbroken and yet you have the other person saying that the main character was pretending to love and she broke it off? Is that correct? I'm not sure. You might want to make this more clear. I feel like you jumped right in and didn't explain it clearly. Who broke up with who?
You did a great job of painting a picture. I mean I could see and feel Helen's pain. I could see the scenes in my mind. Good job!!
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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Very nice chapter. Below are just some suggestions and that is all so take from it what you will, okay. :-)
She then sighed and sat down at the dining room table, looking at the pages of her diary strewn over it. Any page with their name was torn out and their name was blotted out with whatever had been close at hand.
--With tweaking this could read a bit better. Maybe-- With a heavy sigh she sat down at the dining room table.The torn pages of her diary strewn over it. Everywhere their names had been, she had blotted it out with whatever she could get her hands on. -- Just a thought. :-)
She got up from the table and got dressed, paying attention to detail.--You'd mentioned earlier that she had got up from the table to throw the pages in the bin and then you have her back sitting at the table. Might want to look at that. :-)
Her spine was straight as she took in a deep breath to try and relax.--Maybe: Her rigid spine ached as she took in a deep breath and tried to relax.--
I understand, I know it has been hard for you to try and pretend you loved me. Let's end it here." --I'm confused. Your main character is upset bc she's been heartbroken and yet you have the other person saying that the main character was pretending to love and she broke it off? Is that correct? I'm not sure. You might want to make this more clear. I feel like you jumped right in and didn't explain it clearly. Who broke up with who?
You did a great job of painting a picture. I mean I could see and feel Helen's pain. I could see the scenes in my mind. Good job!!
Comment Written 09-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2016
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I have reworked the short story slightly, so I hope it reads a little more smoothly? I got snowed in with assignments and tests, so I haven't had a chance until now. Thank you for the review! :D
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That is MUCH better. Reads more smoothly and I really enjoyed it.Good work!
Snowed in huh. UGH but it makes for a great writing day huh?!
Keep writing my friend I look forward to reading more. :-)
Comment from Ricky1024
self self assessment lien arrest estimates arrestment any way you would look at yourself it's okay Christy be yourself is what you must be 4 then others will see you for who you really Shelby they will see that it really news about the big pretend you receive their army of me that's okay and then there's any of the 30 that okay here's to being mean and B2B that's even better but the beat of We is quite the best at 2 blessing in this disguise you see because then everybody who are the way I can see you for who you really Shelby and I say these words in the name of Jesus Christ amen I hope you like it this is a review of the self-assessment poem in my own personal loan Pros running style a big ass to an LG Android phone note there will be traffic lawyers I have some unlucky words like me and other Warriors have seen it before Even Stevens O say can you see me and what I mean when that happens when I do have thanks for this turkey 10:24
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
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self self assessment lien arrest estimates arrestment any way you would look at yourself it's okay Christy be yourself is what you must be 4 then others will see you for who you really Shelby they will see that it really news about the big pretend you receive their army of me that's okay and then there's any of the 30 that okay here's to being mean and B2B that's even better but the beat of We is quite the best at 2 blessing in this disguise you see because then everybody who are the way I can see you for who you really Shelby and I say these words in the name of Jesus Christ amen I hope you like it this is a review of the self-assessment poem in my own personal loan Pros running style a big ass to an LG Android phone note there will be traffic lawyers I have some unlucky words like me and other Warriors have seen it before Even Stevens O say can you see me and what I mean when that happens when I do have thanks for this turkey 10:24
Comment Written 09-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
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Thank you for the poem, though the stanzas didn't come out so I had a bit of trouble keeping up, but it was nice. Best wishes to you :)
Comment from Loumon
I enjoyed this. Maggie's character is interesting. You do marvelously at describing her sorrow and her strength to pick herself up .
is this a stand alone or will you be developing the story further>
Thanks for the read .
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
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I enjoyed this. Maggie's character is interesting. You do marvelously at describing her sorrow and her strength to pick herself up .
is this a stand alone or will you be developing the story further>
Thanks for the read .
Comment Written 09-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
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I think this is likely to be a stand alone, I'm not sure where it would go if I continued it further. Thank you for the lovely review :)
