The choice
Don wanted to be in control.16 total reviews
Comment from Moon baby
Wow, this story gripped me from the first paragraph. I think your writing is fantastic. I found one very small error in your sentence "Drivers waited to be serve" I think it's supposed to be "served" I felt as though I was wachting a movie your words were so descriptive. Yes I have had a situation where I wasn't able to speak to a loved one before they passed. I've had to make peace with myself as well.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2016
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Wow, this story gripped me from the first paragraph. I think your writing is fantastic. I found one very small error in your sentence "Drivers waited to be serve" I think it's supposed to be "served" I felt as though I was wachting a movie your words were so descriptive. Yes I have had a situation where I wasn't able to speak to a loved one before they passed. I've had to make peace with myself as well.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I am so grateful for your review and the time you spent reading it.
Comment from Heidi M
What a touching story! Lots of good things happening here: good use of dialogue, good clues about this man's status (Rolex, Porsche, etc.), great descriptions. I could feel the frustration of the slow traffic, construction, and delays as he tried to get to his mom's home.
Some suggestions for you to consider:
instead of death threatening illnesses, how about life-threatening illnesses?
"sacrifices aunt and uncle did for me" might sound better this way: "sacrifices aunt and uncle made for me"
I think you do a great job writing and could improve by tightening it up. Here are a couple examples:
"She is the one that is suffering..." becomes "She is the one suffering..." You don't really need 'that is' in the sentence. Fewer words can give your sentences more power.
"It was once a toy room for her and me...." becomes "It was once our toy room..."
I have to tell you, there were tears in my eyes as I came to the close of your story. It is very touching.
I enjoyed reading this; thank you for sharing it.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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What a touching story! Lots of good things happening here: good use of dialogue, good clues about this man's status (Rolex, Porsche, etc.), great descriptions. I could feel the frustration of the slow traffic, construction, and delays as he tried to get to his mom's home.
Some suggestions for you to consider:
instead of death threatening illnesses, how about life-threatening illnesses?
"sacrifices aunt and uncle did for me" might sound better this way: "sacrifices aunt and uncle made for me"
I think you do a great job writing and could improve by tightening it up. Here are a couple examples:
"She is the one that is suffering..." becomes "She is the one suffering..." You don't really need 'that is' in the sentence. Fewer words can give your sentences more power.
"It was once a toy room for her and me...." becomes "It was once our toy room..."
I have to tell you, there were tears in my eyes as I came to the close of your story. It is very touching.
I enjoyed reading this; thank you for sharing it.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2016
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Thank you for your wonderful review. I'm grateful for your advice and will use it. You have been so helpful.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
You earlier reviewed one of my stories, and I am returning the blessing. I chose one to get a recognized status for you soon.
This was a remarkable read and well organized throughout the chapters of this family saga. So tragic and sad in every way.
The characters throughout, from the assistant to the valet, to the aunt, sister and suffering mother.
You are a great writer! Well done!
Well worth a SIX!
Just a few nits needing a fix:
Drivers were honking their horns, waiting to be serve. -> served
garage turning my head my head, catching a glimpse of -> repeat my head
Who's Dr. Sims?" I acted na�???�??�?�¯ve. -> encrypted characters
regained conscientious. He died on his seventeenth birthday. -> consciousness
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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You earlier reviewed one of my stories, and I am returning the blessing. I chose one to get a recognized status for you soon.
This was a remarkable read and well organized throughout the chapters of this family saga. So tragic and sad in every way.
The characters throughout, from the assistant to the valet, to the aunt, sister and suffering mother.
You are a great writer! Well done!
Well worth a SIX!
Just a few nits needing a fix:
Drivers were honking their horns, waiting to be serve. -> served
garage turning my head my head, catching a glimpse of -> repeat my head
Who's Dr. Sims?" I acted na�???�??�?�¯ve. -> encrypted characters
regained conscientious. He died on his seventeenth birthday. -> consciousness
Comment Written 27-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Thank you, you were so kind to do this for me, and I will certainly correct my errors. I really appreciate what you did.
GOD BLESS
Comment from dmt1967
'I held my hand up and waved it in front of my face. "I pass." This doesn't make sense. 'I held my hand up as he waved it in front of my face,' makes more sense.
'"Aunt Dorothy called me. She told me about mom. (I) coming to see her."
'(I'm)."Who's Dr. Sims?" I acted na�???�??�?�¯ve.'
This is a great, well-written story. It just needs tweaking a bit. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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'I held my hand up and waved it in front of my face. "I pass." This doesn't make sense. 'I held my hand up as he waved it in front of my face,' makes more sense.
'"Aunt Dorothy called me. She told me about mom. (I) coming to see her."
'(I'm)."Who's Dr. Sims?" I acted na�???�??�?�¯ve.'
This is a great, well-written story. It just needs tweaking a bit. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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Thank you, I missed those.
Comment from Bill O'Bier
I liked this piece and enjoyed reading it. The language you chose creates clear moving images. The art work complemented it well. Thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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I liked this piece and enjoyed reading it. The language you chose creates clear moving images. The art work complemented it well. Thanks for sharing
Comment Written 15-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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Thank you
Comment from trumby
My father's 73. He had cancer, but it's in remission now
I'm spending as much time with him as possible now.
It's just the 2 of us now, as cancer got Mum 3 years ago. but we've become really close lately.
This story means a lot to me and I'm trying to follow these precepts
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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My father's 73. He had cancer, but it's in remission now
I'm spending as much time with him as possible now.
It's just the 2 of us now, as cancer got Mum 3 years ago. but we've become really close lately.
This story means a lot to me and I'm trying to follow these precepts
Comment Written 15-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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I'm so sorry about your dad. I hope the remission with your dad gives you more time, which to share, and to have many more memories with him. Having my own loved one battle with cancer, I know how difficult things become, but the most important thing is sharing your love with him. God Bless and thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Comment from c_lucas
Your work needs a few strokes of brushing up. Evil Eddie destroyed a paragraph when he sabotaged your work. There are a few spags to handle. Other than that, it was well written.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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Your work needs a few strokes of brushing up. Evil Eddie destroyed a paragraph when he sabotaged your work. There are a few spags to handle. Other than that, it was well written.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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Thank you
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You're welcome, Tpa. Charlie
Comment from foxangie123
For me it seems you have more than a hobby here as this seems to be what you have been making a career for a long time. You are so creatively captivating as you make the reader want more and more in each line you write. I could do relate to the importance of getting things said of done before one seemingly kain't. Brilliant...
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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For me it seems you have more than a hobby here as this seems to be what you have been making a career for a long time. You are so creatively captivating as you make the reader want more and more in each line you write. I could do relate to the importance of getting things said of done before one seemingly kain't. Brilliant...
Comment Written 13-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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You gave me a very nice compliment. I am extremely grateful for your review and so pleased you have enjoyed the story.
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
I like the way the story starts off immediately with a dilemma and angst. Nothing wasted on fluff or info-dumping. The opening is then driven by dialog. I like the way you introduce the main character and imply that he is a lawyer without having to say it. Top-notch writing.
Noticed a few typos, but I'm not much of a grammar nazi.
The transition to stream of consciousness is effective. The flashback and backstory runs deep--it has a complete arc all its own. Your backstory arrives at a sense of satisfaction and contrasts wonderfully with the ending that can have no satisfaction.
There's a lot of great writing here. The description of the sights, sounds, and smells of end life care are visceral and true. The build up is great. The climax is fantastic--realizing he is too late.
The payoff though is pat and a little weak. I say this because you tell us it's too late--but we already know this. You've done a superb job of showing us that. You might consider trusting your readers and having faith in yourself. You don't need that last line. The summary sentence there is completely redundant. Consider also eliminating this phrase from the second to the last paragraph for the same reason: [...I should have expressed long ago]. We already know Don is full of angst, remorse, and regret.
Overall this is superb. You've successfully blended the issues of success, guilt, family dysfunction, control, regret, and remorse. At the end you've given your character a redemption he doesn't deserve. At least that's how it feels to me. You've done a masterful job of story telling only to pin a storybook ending on it and state the obvious moral. You've done an expert job to that point and the story doesn't need it.
Keep up the great work! Best regards, BobFox
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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I like the way the story starts off immediately with a dilemma and angst. Nothing wasted on fluff or info-dumping. The opening is then driven by dialog. I like the way you introduce the main character and imply that he is a lawyer without having to say it. Top-notch writing.
Noticed a few typos, but I'm not much of a grammar nazi.
The transition to stream of consciousness is effective. The flashback and backstory runs deep--it has a complete arc all its own. Your backstory arrives at a sense of satisfaction and contrasts wonderfully with the ending that can have no satisfaction.
There's a lot of great writing here. The description of the sights, sounds, and smells of end life care are visceral and true. The build up is great. The climax is fantastic--realizing he is too late.
The payoff though is pat and a little weak. I say this because you tell us it's too late--but we already know this. You've done a superb job of showing us that. You might consider trusting your readers and having faith in yourself. You don't need that last line. The summary sentence there is completely redundant. Consider also eliminating this phrase from the second to the last paragraph for the same reason: [...I should have expressed long ago]. We already know Don is full of angst, remorse, and regret.
Overall this is superb. You've successfully blended the issues of success, guilt, family dysfunction, control, regret, and remorse. At the end you've given your character a redemption he doesn't deserve. At least that's how it feels to me. You've done a masterful job of story telling only to pin a storybook ending on it and state the obvious moral. You've done an expert job to that point and the story doesn't need it.
Keep up the great work! Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written 13-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Thank you very much for your review. I like your idea about the ending and will change it. After reading in that manner, I agree with you. Is that what you meant as the payoff being a little weak? Giving the reader to conclude the character's feelings. thank you again!
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Right. We already know his feelings?his misguided sense of family. You might even have him remain steadfast?then while all the readers are thinking, "No! You selfish jerk! Can't you see what you're doing? Can't you see what your sister has been through!" he hands the doctor the injunction. Maybe the payoff is the sister's reaction. Or perhaps the doctor. I kinda like the sister. "Arrest me." (or something) She's already been painted as having been ignored for being unreasonable, you might strengthen that early to help create a twist.
Just throwing some ideas your way. You could leave it as it is and still have a really good story.
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You're good, I like the way you think. Have a great day!!
Comment from Eigle Rull
My friend, this is such an exciting and sad story, all in one. The dialog and the descriptive words were excellent. The storyline was also perfect. I was hoping for a happy ending. But this ending is better because it hits the emotions of the reader very hard. It was an exceptional story, and I enjoyed all but the end. Best wishes to you, my friend.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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My friend, this is such an exciting and sad story, all in one. The dialog and the descriptive words were excellent. The storyline was also perfect. I was hoping for a happy ending. But this ending is better because it hits the emotions of the reader very hard. It was an exceptional story, and I enjoyed all but the end. Best wishes to you, my friend.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 13-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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I really appreciated your wonderful words, which adds much encouragement to my writing experience. Thank you.
