The Autumn Of Our Years
a sonnet contest entry22 total reviews
Comment from I am Cat
Yelena,
What a lovely entry for this sonnet contest...
I love the theme! Age/time is a favorite subject of mine.
I love what you've done with it, most especially in your
volta line:
Yet we have inner strength, and (we) survived
the trials and errors that (we) did endure.
Our egos at full blast, (we) made the dive
for Midas' gold - how potent is its lure!
(respectfully, if you look down the diagonal at the word, 'we' from the top line, you will see it go down to the left, three times... It's just something my eye noticed, I suggest a change to lure the eye away, perhaps the word "have" to switch for "we' in the first line? "and have survived"?)
And when our journey ends at Heaven's gate,
we rest and pause... a lifetime was the wait.
(and I love the way you've wrapped up the couplet at the end... another suggestion, only a small one... and only because it came to mind... the theme you're suggesting is that the lifetime that you spent was worth the wait to get to Heaven, so why not say...
"...a lifetime (worth) the wait." instead of 'was'... it gives more meaning to the line... more impact, and basically sums up what you've been saying.
Of course, this is a six star worthy sonnet without my suggestions, and they are only some thoughts I had.
VERY well done, as only you can do it Yelena... I wish you great luck in the contest!
I loved it.
A virtual six from me!
* * * * * *
Cat
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2016
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Yelena,
What a lovely entry for this sonnet contest...
I love the theme! Age/time is a favorite subject of mine.
I love what you've done with it, most especially in your
volta line:
Yet we have inner strength, and (we) survived
the trials and errors that (we) did endure.
Our egos at full blast, (we) made the dive
for Midas' gold - how potent is its lure!
(respectfully, if you look down the diagonal at the word, 'we' from the top line, you will see it go down to the left, three times... It's just something my eye noticed, I suggest a change to lure the eye away, perhaps the word "have" to switch for "we' in the first line? "and have survived"?)
And when our journey ends at Heaven's gate,
we rest and pause... a lifetime was the wait.
(and I love the way you've wrapped up the couplet at the end... another suggestion, only a small one... and only because it came to mind... the theme you're suggesting is that the lifetime that you spent was worth the wait to get to Heaven, so why not say...
"...a lifetime (worth) the wait." instead of 'was'... it gives more meaning to the line... more impact, and basically sums up what you've been saying.
Of course, this is a six star worthy sonnet without my suggestions, and they are only some thoughts I had.
VERY well done, as only you can do it Yelena... I wish you great luck in the contest!
I loved it.
A virtual six from me!
* * * * * *
Cat
Comment Written 30-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2016
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Thank you, my dear friend! It is a great review. I will ponder over your suggestions. Sonnet is my thing, and I just love the form! This sonnet placed third in the site's sonnet contest. I tied with Ray's "...angels' circumstance" sonnet.
If you have time, look at my 11 sonnet collection that won the Seal of Quality. I promise, you will not be bored (lol).
Here's the link for it:
http://classic.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=227779
Love, kin
Comment from Dawn of Tomorrow
Very nicely done and beautiful presentation as well. I do think you should do well in the contest voting. That line with trials and errors was a little rough for me but I finally got the rhythm there. Lovely.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Very nicely done and beautiful presentation as well. I do think you should do well in the contest voting. That line with trials and errors was a little rough for me but I finally got the rhythm there. Lovely.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for the great review, Dawn. Love, Y.
Comment from w.j.debi
You write such lovely sonnets, like it is the most natural things in the world. The barren coals are an excellent metaphor for the autumn years as the passion of life begins to lose its fire. Excellent formatting and color scheme to enhance the theme.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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You write such lovely sonnets, like it is the most natural things in the world. The barren coals are an excellent metaphor for the autumn years as the passion of life begins to lose its fire. Excellent formatting and color scheme to enhance the theme.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for the lovely review. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from ciliverde
Beautiful sonnet, a bit ominous with death waiting, scythe at the ready...
I like your use of unusual words and phrases, ardor that turns to barren coals, and tears collecting in pools of apathetic souls.
Your turn to inner strength is well-conceived. I can see your point about egos at full blast and the dive for gold, if it was me I'd keep it focused on the inner strength that would carry us through to...
our rest at journey's end, after a lifetime of waiting. Love your ending couplet.
carol
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Beautiful sonnet, a bit ominous with death waiting, scythe at the ready...
I like your use of unusual words and phrases, ardor that turns to barren coals, and tears collecting in pools of apathetic souls.
Your turn to inner strength is well-conceived. I can see your point about egos at full blast and the dive for gold, if it was me I'd keep it focused on the inner strength that would carry us through to...
our rest at journey's end, after a lifetime of waiting. Love your ending couplet.
carol
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for the wonderful review. Coming from a poet of your caliber, this is a compliment indeed.
Comment from Lovinia
Hello Yelena
Happy New Year! I hope you're still in the glow of your lovely holiday in Aruba. :))
A poignant first verse quantifying what many of us in our Autumn years do feel. Excellent word use of "barren coals", "apathetic souls" - this phrasing cuts deep and draws the raw emotions of what can become a monopoly on those who dwell only in these emotions. I think it is normal to feel this way, to know some loss of youth and to come to terms with what is NOW!
You develop the process further with enhancing what we know is lost to us - and what the immediate future may hold for some as the reality sets in ... some will be "doomed" to the reaper's "scythe", earlier than one may want or even expect.
"We crave our youth, alas! the time is gone -
Our energy's metastasized, and death
is waiting with its scythe at early dawn
to mark the doomed ones with its icy breath."
Your turn -
"Yet we have inner strength, and we survived
the trials and errors that we did endure." -- you give us pause for breath, whether accomplishment or failures, we have endured and survived which has built our character and given us knowledge and hopefully wisdom.
"Our egos at full blast, we made the dive
for Midas' gold - how potent is its lure!" - I can feel many nodding or shaking their heads at this direct assault on what is probably our greatest trial ... the battle with our Ego... you define its power over the humility we seek - "how potent is its lure!"
"blast/dive/potent/lure" - empowers your phrasing in this verse and creates sound impact. You've captured the essence of life in its bold reality in these four lines. An abundance of wisdom contained in one verse. I feel there is so much life knowledge here, and it's never too late.
You closing couplet demands attention. So simple in its elegance and eloquence of voice. I love your sonnets Yelena ... they are direct, contain great wisdom with clarity, you hold nothing back. So much to contemplate for our own well-being and learning to age gracefully and with acceptance. Despite all of the "Midas' gold" we may have sought ... there is really only one goal in the end that makes a difference, "Heaven's gate" which can be extended for the non-religious into a purpose in leading the best life we can with good intentions.
Lovely work. I've only read a couple of the sonnets ... I must seek out more. Yours is a fine entry and worthy of highest placement. I wish you the best of luck. What I like best about your work is the direct clarity, yet there is a strong subtlety which can be over-looked if read lightly. I like how your work makes my mind think deeper and the strong messages you convey. Well done. Huge hugs - Lovi xoxo
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Hello Yelena
Happy New Year! I hope you're still in the glow of your lovely holiday in Aruba. :))
A poignant first verse quantifying what many of us in our Autumn years do feel. Excellent word use of "barren coals", "apathetic souls" - this phrasing cuts deep and draws the raw emotions of what can become a monopoly on those who dwell only in these emotions. I think it is normal to feel this way, to know some loss of youth and to come to terms with what is NOW!
You develop the process further with enhancing what we know is lost to us - and what the immediate future may hold for some as the reality sets in ... some will be "doomed" to the reaper's "scythe", earlier than one may want or even expect.
"We crave our youth, alas! the time is gone -
Our energy's metastasized, and death
is waiting with its scythe at early dawn
to mark the doomed ones with its icy breath."
Your turn -
"Yet we have inner strength, and we survived
the trials and errors that we did endure." -- you give us pause for breath, whether accomplishment or failures, we have endured and survived which has built our character and given us knowledge and hopefully wisdom.
"Our egos at full blast, we made the dive
for Midas' gold - how potent is its lure!" - I can feel many nodding or shaking their heads at this direct assault on what is probably our greatest trial ... the battle with our Ego... you define its power over the humility we seek - "how potent is its lure!"
"blast/dive/potent/lure" - empowers your phrasing in this verse and creates sound impact. You've captured the essence of life in its bold reality in these four lines. An abundance of wisdom contained in one verse. I feel there is so much life knowledge here, and it's never too late.
You closing couplet demands attention. So simple in its elegance and eloquence of voice. I love your sonnets Yelena ... they are direct, contain great wisdom with clarity, you hold nothing back. So much to contemplate for our own well-being and learning to age gracefully and with acceptance. Despite all of the "Midas' gold" we may have sought ... there is really only one goal in the end that makes a difference, "Heaven's gate" which can be extended for the non-religious into a purpose in leading the best life we can with good intentions.
Lovely work. I've only read a couple of the sonnets ... I must seek out more. Yours is a fine entry and worthy of highest placement. I wish you the best of luck. What I like best about your work is the direct clarity, yet there is a strong subtlety which can be over-looked if read lightly. I like how your work makes my mind think deeper and the strong messages you convey. Well done. Huge hugs - Lovi xoxo
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Lovinia,
I am so overwhelmed by this review. Thank you, dear friend, for your exceptional rating, the honor of six stars, and your brilliant analysis of this work, worthy of a seasoned critic. I am honored and humbled by your praise of my work. It is a treat for any author, to receive such esteem. A sonnet is my favorite form, has been for years.
I am happy you enjoyed my sonnet, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your lovely words.
Blessings and love, Yelena
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My pleasure dear Yelena
Thank you for you so kind words, a 'seasoned critic' ... ah, I wish I was that good. :)) I know your love for the sonnet and the talent and skill with which you write. This is truly exceptional and worthy of high recognition imho. Obviously you've learned the lessons of a life-time and now enjoy the wealth of the wisdom. It is an honour to read your thoughts and have you share this with me/us. I'm so pleased my words provided you with a good analysis of your work. Your sonnet was a pleasure to read and review. I will always remember your commitment to me when attempting my own efforts in this form. One day I will write something I can be proud of and call myself a sonneteer... your contribution to this goal will always be honoured with such gratitude. Thank you for your guidance and so pleased to know you as a friend. Love and hugs and with thanks for your blessings. Keep safe and well - Lovi xoxox
Comment from Leineco
Great sonnet Yeltel -both contemplative and oddly victorious :-)
The "autumn of our years" is often seen as reversal (the other side of the hill), but you have reminded us of the nature of the marathon we run. Sprinting at the beginning (to get a head start) and the loping pace in the middle (staying with the pack). But it is the finish line you have closed with. . . the reward for our efforts and endurance.
Great write! :-)
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Great sonnet Yeltel -both contemplative and oddly victorious :-)
The "autumn of our years" is often seen as reversal (the other side of the hill), but you have reminded us of the nature of the marathon we run. Sprinting at the beginning (to get a head start) and the loping pace in the middle (staying with the pack). But it is the finish line you have closed with. . . the reward for our efforts and endurance.
Great write! :-)
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for the great review. I am delighted that you enjoyed this.
Comment from Joy Graham
Hello yeltel! This is a lovely sonnet :) You have fulfilled all the strict sonnet rules and requirements well. Lovely iambic pentameter and sensible rhymes. A great turn indicated by, "yet". Nice closing couplet. I also detected some tricky enjambment. Best wishes in this contest!
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Hello yeltel! This is a lovely sonnet :) You have fulfilled all the strict sonnet rules and requirements well. Lovely iambic pentameter and sensible rhymes. A great turn indicated by, "yet". Nice closing couplet. I also detected some tricky enjambment. Best wishes in this contest!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for the great review. I am so glad you liked my sonnet. It has been my favorite form for years.
Blessings and love, Y.
Comment from Douglas Paul
I think this is a really good entry into this contest. Those of us who have some age can certainly relate to this one. I really like you presentation. Great pic and colour choices. have a good day
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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I think this is a really good entry into this contest. Those of us who have some age can certainly relate to this one. I really like you presentation. Great pic and colour choices. have a good day
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for the good review.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is a well written sonnet in pentameter yeltel and some very nice rhyming lines. I have one suggestion.
and death is waiting with its [scythe] at early dawn. Death is known to carry a scythe.
You used some very original multisyllable words. Well done.
Good Luck in contest. :<) Nancy
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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This is a well written sonnet in pentameter yeltel and some very nice rhyming lines. I have one suggestion.
and death is waiting with its [scythe] at early dawn. Death is known to carry a scythe.
You used some very original multisyllable words. Well done.
Good Luck in contest. :<) Nancy
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for the great review and editing suggestion, which I adhered to. Love, Y.
Comment from AnnaLinda
Yelena,
Master of the sonnet:) What can I offer here? This unmetered friend of yours...
So happy to see you have received multiple exceptional ratings on this from
those who know far more than I do about the form. Well deserved indeed!
Love your entry lines. This is a very reflective poem and I enjoyed your metaphor of the broom, your unique rhymes and I got a kick out of "energy's metastasized"
Now that will be ringing in my head?
I like your positive turn in the third stanza and the strength and resolve it conveys.
Your ending couplet > Divine! I wish more people could see this...It's a wonderful example for us of a winning sonnet.
Linda
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Yelena,
Master of the sonnet:) What can I offer here? This unmetered friend of yours...
So happy to see you have received multiple exceptional ratings on this from
those who know far more than I do about the form. Well deserved indeed!
Love your entry lines. This is a very reflective poem and I enjoyed your metaphor of the broom, your unique rhymes and I got a kick out of "energy's metastasized"
Now that will be ringing in my head?
I like your positive turn in the third stanza and the strength and resolve it conveys.
Your ending couplet > Divine! I wish more people could see this...It's a wonderful example for us of a winning sonnet.
Linda
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Linda, thank you so much for your wonderful review of my sonnet. This is my favorite form, and I enjoy the iambic meter and the concept of the form. I wouldn?t say ?your unmetered friend?, lol ? your poem about God being the greatest poet is written in perfect rhyme and meter. This one is darker than my usual, but I really feel I delivered the message.
Thank you again, my friend, for your enthusiasm and for taking the time to review my work.
Love, Yelena
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sorry for the extra punctuation marks, I copied and pasted from Word, and this is what happened.
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You know it's my pleasure and honor...did you get the notice of some pumps I sent? I wish we could put it up for others to see what a great sonnet is...You know...for learning purposes...I have some FS money I would be willing to help you.
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Yes, I sent you an email thanking you for those pumps! You are a sweetheart. It is so nice of you to do this. Love, Y.
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Yelena...my honor...I sent you a couple of emails on this...
