Strangers Within the Silence
a contest entry17 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
So this is freestyle and an excellent example but... I fear there are more rhyming philistines than freestyle spirits. We will have to wait and see.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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So this is freestyle and an excellent example but... I fear there are more rhyming philistines than freestyle spirits. We will have to wait and see.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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Ooh I can see that. Like there are too many rhymes, almost feeling like you aren't in a "free style". I don't know though, that's my style. I typically have some slant rhymes in to help with flow. Flow is what I'm concerned with, after I get the message out. But yeah I see your point. I've thought about that before too actually.
Also, I'm not big on "structure" of a free verse or free style. Where there might be a one word verse, then a long verse, or a period out of nowhere, etc. BUT, mainly that's because I only use my iPad here and Advanced editor doesn't really work with it! Lol
Thank you again!
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No, you misunderstand me I was meaning that I think the re are more people on the site who are happier jogging along in rhyme than they are coping with free style.
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Ah I see. And yes I definitely agree with you.
Comment from MacMhuirich
This is simply captivating my friend, finely crafted and a nice spiritual inspiring write:-
But upon that morning when shy breath does stop,
I will undress my skin to bare my true heart - wow, this is wonderful.
Best wishes for the contest.
Bless you
John
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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This is simply captivating my friend, finely crafted and a nice spiritual inspiring write:-
But upon that morning when shy breath does stop,
I will undress my skin to bare my true heart - wow, this is wonderful.
Best wishes for the contest.
Bless you
John
Comment Written 08-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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Thank you! What a fantastic review Mac. I'm honored.
Comment from ravenblack
Greg, this is such a powerful poem, such an honest, delicate and insightful baring of your soul that I really do not know what to say. Far beyond my smile, I sit beneath my laughter- that right there is a koan in an of itself. I picture the struggle to truly know happiness as a permanent condition and not at times an echo. Unbound journal the wind sifts through- all our words that we spill, That make us, what are they to the wind? Ambition to rise, decision to fail, the boy inside who will never grow up- that one hurts. I know that little boy inside, that wounded child , the ambition and decision, the conflict. When shy breath does stop- great use of shy, the shy little boy afraid to be known, but in this case when the spirit is released, the true heart will echo eternal. I wish I could six, but I am out. It is not often that a poem hits me as deeply as this one.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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Greg, this is such a powerful poem, such an honest, delicate and insightful baring of your soul that I really do not know what to say. Far beyond my smile, I sit beneath my laughter- that right there is a koan in an of itself. I picture the struggle to truly know happiness as a permanent condition and not at times an echo. Unbound journal the wind sifts through- all our words that we spill, That make us, what are they to the wind? Ambition to rise, decision to fail, the boy inside who will never grow up- that one hurts. I know that little boy inside, that wounded child , the ambition and decision, the conflict. When shy breath does stop- great use of shy, the shy little boy afraid to be known, but in this case when the spirit is released, the true heart will echo eternal. I wish I could six, but I am out. It is not often that a poem hits me as deeply as this one.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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Man you got it. I mean you read so deeply. It's remarkable. You and I have seen some rough times and I think that's why we get each other's work so well. Truly man thank you. GREAT review!
Comment from Neonewman
Wow! If this one doesn't win this All styles open poetry competition I will be completely surprised. Brilliantly crafted, relatable, spiritual, awe inspiring piece you have delivered is simply captivating my friend. I find no flaws in this work.
God bless!
Steve
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Wow! If this one doesn't win this All styles open poetry competition I will be completely surprised. Brilliantly crafted, relatable, spiritual, awe inspiring piece you have delivered is simply captivating my friend. I find no flaws in this work.
God bless!
Steve
Comment Written 07-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Wow I'm incredibly humbled. Seriously you've made me smile thank you. And thank you for reading so deeply. That's a huge compliment. Honestly thank you so very much. And a six! God bless my friend
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Well deserved my friend!
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Well deserved my friend!
Comment from joann r romei
I enjoyed reading this, sometimes I feel the same way, this had a feeling of yearning as well as some hope intertwined. Good luck. No errors
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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I enjoyed reading this, sometimes I feel the same way, this had a feeling of yearning as well as some hope intertwined. Good luck. No errors
Comment Written 07-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Thanks so much Joann!
Comment from I am Cat
Once again... you capture the beauty, yet the solitude of a man who is still a bit tortured by his past... and yet, finds such depth of understanding... and looks for light.
How beautiful is this?
Here weeps an essence of everything that I have been
that I will be, that I have seen, that I will undo--
it is an unbound journal the winds sift through
I release the night to inherit the sun--
eternal soul bestowed with no beginning,
a possession given to slip through ages
and it is...
It wails endless within our silence,
begging to be seen, deliberately still
as bright tears collect in frozen pools,
painting naive eyes like stained glass
this sort of thing which captures the breath... and the heartbeats pause...
and then...
we breathe as one with:
But upon that morning when shy breath does stop
I will undress my skin to bare my true heart
Beautiful... just simply gorgeous.
Well done Greg... this is what makes you one of my favorite poets on site.
Certainly the most able to get at that 'thing' in the midst of the turmoil... and bare it to the sun.
well done,
good luck in this contest
Cat
A Virtual Six... I do wish I had another one... :(
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Once again... you capture the beauty, yet the solitude of a man who is still a bit tortured by his past... and yet, finds such depth of understanding... and looks for light.
How beautiful is this?
Here weeps an essence of everything that I have been
that I will be, that I have seen, that I will undo--
it is an unbound journal the winds sift through
I release the night to inherit the sun--
eternal soul bestowed with no beginning,
a possession given to slip through ages
and it is...
It wails endless within our silence,
begging to be seen, deliberately still
as bright tears collect in frozen pools,
painting naive eyes like stained glass
this sort of thing which captures the breath... and the heartbeats pause...
and then...
we breathe as one with:
But upon that morning when shy breath does stop
I will undress my skin to bare my true heart
Beautiful... just simply gorgeous.
Well done Greg... this is what makes you one of my favorite poets on site.
Certainly the most able to get at that 'thing' in the midst of the turmoil... and bare it to the sun.
well done,
good luck in this contest
Cat
A Virtual Six... I do wish I had another one... :(
Comment Written 07-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Hey Cat that's okay! Virtual six is just fine. Thanks so much! I'm glad you saw this one. Did you enter this contest?
Comment from rama devi
Exquisite and eloquent love poem...spiritual and elevating. Beautiful and poignant. Deep and reflective. Excellent flow (though I do have some spag suggestions to enhance flow and cadence and smooth reading). Almost a six.
You've been gifted with a golden heart, my friend.
NOTES
Far beyond my smile, I sit beneath the laughter - Great opening. Compelling! Inspired.
*
Here weeps an essence of everything that I have been(,)
that I will be, that I have seen, that I will undo--
it is an unbound journal the winds sift through ***Wonderful metaphor!
Wonderfully voiced--eloquent:
I release the night to inherit the sun--
eternal soul bestowed with no beginning,
a possession given to slip through ages
Reflective (literally):
This gift carries my face--a reflection internal
Well voiced...showing, not telling, how everything is a matter of attitude:
It is my ambition to rise,
my decision to fail,
my once to never enough;
it is the boy inside who will never grow up
Incredibly expressive and deep:
It wails endless within our silence, (POTENT PHRASING!)
begging to be seen, deliberately still
as bright tears collect in frozen pools, (POWERFUL CONTRASTING IMAGERY)
painting naive eyes like stained glass (WELL SAID--excellent!)
POWERFULLY VOICED:
Hidden under worry, I fear we have never met,
nor will we ever, until these worldly shackles unravel
*
But upon that morning when shy breath does stop(,)
I will undress my skin to bare my true heart
Beautiful closing note..undress my skin being a pun...removing identification with the ephemeral body to reveal the eternal heart. Powerful!
Bravo. Well, I know you'll consider those spag...so six stars in advance...as I won't be able to upgrade if I give a five now.
Warmest Smiles, rd
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Exquisite and eloquent love poem...spiritual and elevating. Beautiful and poignant. Deep and reflective. Excellent flow (though I do have some spag suggestions to enhance flow and cadence and smooth reading). Almost a six.
You've been gifted with a golden heart, my friend.
NOTES
Far beyond my smile, I sit beneath the laughter - Great opening. Compelling! Inspired.
*
Here weeps an essence of everything that I have been(,)
that I will be, that I have seen, that I will undo--
it is an unbound journal the winds sift through ***Wonderful metaphor!
Wonderfully voiced--eloquent:
I release the night to inherit the sun--
eternal soul bestowed with no beginning,
a possession given to slip through ages
Reflective (literally):
This gift carries my face--a reflection internal
Well voiced...showing, not telling, how everything is a matter of attitude:
It is my ambition to rise,
my decision to fail,
my once to never enough;
it is the boy inside who will never grow up
Incredibly expressive and deep:
It wails endless within our silence, (POTENT PHRASING!)
begging to be seen, deliberately still
as bright tears collect in frozen pools, (POWERFUL CONTRASTING IMAGERY)
painting naive eyes like stained glass (WELL SAID--excellent!)
POWERFULLY VOICED:
Hidden under worry, I fear we have never met,
nor will we ever, until these worldly shackles unravel
*
But upon that morning when shy breath does stop(,)
I will undress my skin to bare my true heart
Beautiful closing note..undress my skin being a pun...removing identification with the ephemeral body to reveal the eternal heart. Powerful!
Bravo. Well, I know you'll consider those spag...so six stars in advance...as I won't be able to upgrade if I give a five now.
Warmest Smiles, rd
Comment Written 07-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Wow thank you! Thank you for the six too even though I had those missing commas. I really love when you read my pieces. I've only been on randomly to post. I have to get back to reviewing more. I'm glad you liked this one! Really glad! I reworked it a lot so hopefully it works! I corrected everything for you.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
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I'm also here only randomly but have been more active latelt than intended...this place is a vortex. I am behind in other work but had some foggy-brain issues due to Anemia and Vit B deficiency. As a matter of principle, I do not edit for paying clients when my brain is foggy...but I do review here in that state...as that's the only time I can spare! :)
Warm Smiles, rd
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Greg. Outstanding, my friend! Positively outstanding:
"I once gave away the night to inherit the sun--
eternal soul bestowed with no beginning,
a possession given to slip through ages
This gift carries my face--a reflection internal"
Bravo! Good Luck in the contest. Bob
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2015
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Hi, Greg. Outstanding, my friend! Positively outstanding:
"I once gave away the night to inherit the sun--
eternal soul bestowed with no beginning,
a possession given to slip through ages
This gift carries my face--a reflection internal"
Bravo! Good Luck in the contest. Bob
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2015
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Hey Bob wow thanks so much man! I really appreciate that. Have a great night! Seriously thank you.
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:) Bob
Comment from royowen
Yes, this sounds like a true testimony, despite the essence of God inhabiting our being, there is a compulsion to transgress, that is why the manifest presence needs to strong at at all tines! Paul spoke of it in Romans 7 "the things I want to do, I don't do, and the things I don't want to do I'd want to do I do! But the this verse is the cruncher, but "thanks be to The Lord Jesus Christ" Romans 7:25, in 1john, Paul talks of maturity. Beautifully composed Gregory, some excellent word smithing here my friend,, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2015
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Yes, this sounds like a true testimony, despite the essence of God inhabiting our being, there is a compulsion to transgress, that is why the manifest presence needs to strong at at all tines! Paul spoke of it in Romans 7 "the things I want to do, I don't do, and the things I don't want to do I'd want to do I do! But the this verse is the cruncher, but "thanks be to The Lord Jesus Christ" Romans 7:25, in 1john, Paul talks of maturity. Beautifully composed Gregory, some excellent word smithing here my friend,, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2015
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Amen. I love it. Thank you so much for reading this Roy. I really appreciate it. And thank you for the compliments!
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Most welcome Gregory,,
Comment from tfawcus
I couldn't help thinking of some of the comic actors of our time such as Robin Williams when I read your opening line. How we conceal ourselves beneath the facade of our "face--a reflection internal".
What a fine sense of reverie exists in the lines, 'an unbound journal the winds sift through" and there is a beautifully expressed dichotomy between:
"my ambition to rise,
my decision to fail"
and
"begging to be seen, deliberately still".
There is a part of us that even we ourselves shall not know clearly until after that last "shy breath", when the detritus of life is shed and the final metamorphosis made.
What a marvellous poem this is.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2015
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I couldn't help thinking of some of the comic actors of our time such as Robin Williams when I read your opening line. How we conceal ourselves beneath the facade of our "face--a reflection internal".
What a fine sense of reverie exists in the lines, 'an unbound journal the winds sift through" and there is a beautifully expressed dichotomy between:
"my ambition to rise,
my decision to fail"
and
"begging to be seen, deliberately still".
There is a part of us that even we ourselves shall not know clearly until after that last "shy breath", when the detritus of life is shed and the final metamorphosis made.
What a marvellous poem this is.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2015
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I'm blown away by your review. Truly thank you so much. And that you read into it so deeply, means even more. It's such a tragedy about Robin Williams. I know about mental illness, pain, and my heart just breaks knowing he was hurting so much.
Thank you again for your review, so much.
