Christine's Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 69 "Haikui: seasons splendor"Poems /stories on Fanstory
10 total reviews
Comment from The Mom/DarleneThomson
You are absolutely right the splendor of the seasons always delights. I love your choice of artwork. Autumn is my favourite season so I was delighted to read your haiku. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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You are absolutely right the splendor of the seasons always delights. I love your choice of artwork. Autumn is my favourite season so I was delighted to read your haiku. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much For your very positive review for my haiku and I am glad you like reading this. really appreciate your comments Cheers
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Thank you so much For your very positive review for my haiku and I am glad you like reading this. really appreciate your comments Cheers
Comment from l.raven
mother nature truly is amazing in all it beauty...with each season comes different colors of beauty...very well though of...and very well written...beautiful picture
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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mother nature truly is amazing in all it beauty...with each season comes different colors of beauty...very well though of...and very well written...beautiful picture
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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Thank you I raven for reading and review my haiku with some lovely comments.Yes the seasons offer beautiful colour changes, always good to await their good tidings Cheers
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you are so very welcome...xxoo luff
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello :)
Nice classic haiku with seasonal kigo, 2 interconnected lines, under 17 syllables, and concrete images. Good job!
~gypsy
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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Hello :)
Nice classic haiku with seasonal kigo, 2 interconnected lines, under 17 syllables, and concrete images. Good job!
~gypsy
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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Thank you Gypsy Blue Rose for your lovely review for my Haiku really appreciate your words with Cheers
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your haiku. The words do paint a picture. However, the artwork chosen is fitting. Good job with the format--the syllable count is correct.
The first line reads a bit rough like a word is missing.[spring rains and autumn leaves--syllable count would have to be adjusted]. However, I know it is your choice.
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I like the changes. However, you now have 18 syllables. Please edit so as not to be DQed.
Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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I enjoyed your haiku. The words do paint a picture. However, the artwork chosen is fitting. Good job with the format--the syllable count is correct.
The first line reads a bit rough like a word is missing.[spring rains and autumn leaves--syllable count would have to be adjusted]. However, I know it is your choice.
********************
I like the changes. However, you now have 18 syllables. Please edit so as not to be DQed.
Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Hi jannypan thank you for your review and comments for this haiku I have made a couple of changes though hopefully, to read more smoothly. alys a challenge to get the words right. thanks for best wishes Cheers
Comment from Eternal Muse
Second review (5 stars) Great changes, love it! I changed the rating.
First review (4 stars) I very much like your haiku, the imagery and the artwork chosen are stunning.
The problem is, right now it doesn't qualify, because the rules stipulate that it must have two interconnected lines of concrete imagery and a separate satori line. All of your 3 lines stand on their own. Two lines must connect.
This needs to be fixed before the deadline to qualify.
PM me with any questions.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Second review (5 stars) Great changes, love it! I changed the rating.
First review (4 stars) I very much like your haiku, the imagery and the artwork chosen are stunning.
The problem is, right now it doesn't qualify, because the rules stipulate that it must have two interconnected lines of concrete imagery and a separate satori line. All of your 3 lines stand on their own. Two lines must connect.
This needs to be fixed before the deadline to qualify.
PM me with any questions.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Hi yelte Thanks for your feedback I have re worded this so hopefully it will meet requirements, it is quite a challenge to hit the mark so appreciate any firther comments Cheers
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Loved your changes!! I upgraded the rating.
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thanks a lot
Comment from robyn corum
Dear friend,
I love the artwork you've chosen for this piece! And I REALLY LIKE what you're trying to say here, but I think you've missed a couple of the contest requirements ?? -- (sorry!)
In a haiku (as the contest guidelines state -- you must have:
1.) 'two grammatically interconnected lines") in other words you must have two lines that sound 'sentency' -- like they make a sort of shortened sentence.
2.) that 'sentence' must contain (or create in the reader's mind) a concrete image.
3.) You must also include a 'satori' -- which is known as the 'moment of insight', the 'aha' moment, or the moment of reflection or observation.
4.) the sentency part can be in lines 1+2, or lines 2+3
5.) the 'sartori can come in line 1 or line 3
6.) the poem needs to have a certain format for this contest, and that is that the second line is structurally longer than the first or third. (syllable counts, actually) So it makes a:
Short (1st line)/long (2nd line)/short (3rd line) -- format
7.) finally, this must all be done in 17 syllables or less
Make any sense at all??
--> Now, let's look at your poem.
--> I've made slashes where your poem seems to actually have natural 'breaks' or stops.
spring rains/autumn leaves/
nature answers seasons call/
forever changing/
--> So, first of all, you haven't written the first two lines in sentence format -- BUT you could easily change that by...
answering natures call
with summer rains and autumn leaves
tartan skirt
See how the first two lines form a sentence (of sorts) AND hopefully create an image in your mind. The third line (in this case) is your 'aha' moment - (not saying it's a great one!) -- but it takes that concrete image and 'twists' it a bit - like a prism and helps you to see something else in it, so you go ''ahhhh... that's cool." (Some more so than others, admittedly!) [that's the 'sartori']
Then we have a short/long/short format -- check!
AND we are under the 17 syllable count -- check!
That's how you must do this to compete in the contest -- want to revise?
Hope you understand I'm only trying to help-- Good luck!
[And you are certainly welcome to use my thoughts or toss them -- whichever you like!! *smile*]
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Dear friend,
I love the artwork you've chosen for this piece! And I REALLY LIKE what you're trying to say here, but I think you've missed a couple of the contest requirements ?? -- (sorry!)
In a haiku (as the contest guidelines state -- you must have:
1.) 'two grammatically interconnected lines") in other words you must have two lines that sound 'sentency' -- like they make a sort of shortened sentence.
2.) that 'sentence' must contain (or create in the reader's mind) a concrete image.
3.) You must also include a 'satori' -- which is known as the 'moment of insight', the 'aha' moment, or the moment of reflection or observation.
4.) the sentency part can be in lines 1+2, or lines 2+3
5.) the 'sartori can come in line 1 or line 3
6.) the poem needs to have a certain format for this contest, and that is that the second line is structurally longer than the first or third. (syllable counts, actually) So it makes a:
Short (1st line)/long (2nd line)/short (3rd line) -- format
7.) finally, this must all be done in 17 syllables or less
Make any sense at all??
--> Now, let's look at your poem.
--> I've made slashes where your poem seems to actually have natural 'breaks' or stops.
spring rains/autumn leaves/
nature answers seasons call/
forever changing/
--> So, first of all, you haven't written the first two lines in sentence format -- BUT you could easily change that by...
answering natures call
with summer rains and autumn leaves
tartan skirt
See how the first two lines form a sentence (of sorts) AND hopefully create an image in your mind. The third line (in this case) is your 'aha' moment - (not saying it's a great one!) -- but it takes that concrete image and 'twists' it a bit - like a prism and helps you to see something else in it, so you go ''ahhhh... that's cool." (Some more so than others, admittedly!) [that's the 'sartori']
Then we have a short/long/short format -- check!
AND we are under the 17 syllable count -- check!
That's how you must do this to compete in the contest -- want to revise?
Hope you understand I'm only trying to help-- Good luck!
[And you are certainly welcome to use my thoughts or toss them -- whichever you like!! *smile*]
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Hi Robyn Thank you so much for your great review and helpful comments .I have thought hard about your statements and appreciate your suggestions which are fabulous in their own right so based on your comments I have reworded this haiku ( probably doesnt have tho ooh factor that you did ( tartan skirt was clever) but I 'll see if the new one meets requirement. alway fun to have a go and I am certainly learning all the time so a big thanks to you Cheers
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Your poem now falls much more in line with the contest requirements! Good job! I've already re-rated! (I'm not so sure about the tartan one - or that ooh factor!) Yours is fine.
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Thank you so much for your quick response and encouraging comments, it is always nice to have hepful hints with a big thanks Cheers
Comment from Jacob Collins
Nature is forever changing in our world, but I'm glad we always stick to the four, winter personally is my favourite season. I enjoyed reading this haiku, you caught autumn's nature well, I thought that your writing flowed well and I couldn't find any faults. Thanks for sharing...Jacob
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Nature is forever changing in our world, but I'm glad we always stick to the four, winter personally is my favourite season. I enjoyed reading this haiku, you caught autumn's nature well, I thought that your writing flowed well and I couldn't find any faults. Thanks for sharing...Jacob
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Thank you Jacob for your splendid review and lovely comments. My personal favourite is summer I like hot weather but spring is also pretty . i guess they all have their lovely aspects . thanks for reading my Haiku Cheers
Comment from Nosha17
Excellent imagery of the lovely changing seasons, each has its own delights. Well chosen words and great picture. Good luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Excellent imagery of the lovely changing seasons, each has its own delights. Well chosen words and great picture. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Thanks Faye glad you liked this and appreciate your encouraging words and good luck wishes. enjoy the Haiku challenges Cheers
Comment from Eric1
Hi Mystery Author, This is a really good entry for this particular competition, wonderful use of words that get your message across brilliantly. I wish you the best of luck in the contest my friend.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Hi Mystery Author, This is a really good entry for this particular competition, wonderful use of words that get your message across brilliantly. I wish you the best of luck in the contest my friend.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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thanks you Eric very much for your lovely review I keep trying and enjoy the challenges Cheers
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You are very welcome my friend.
Comment from Tessa Kay
Your title reads Haiki. Should be Haiku.
Love the collage. It brings out the changing seasons very well.
All the best in the contest :)
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Your title reads Haiki. Should be Haiku.
Love the collage. It brings out the changing seasons very well.
All the best in the contest :)
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Thank you Tessa for your review (late at night a bit tired )so thanks for picking up mistake will change now appreciate your comments and best wishes Cheers
