Free Verse Collection 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "To Cherish Thorns"selections for seal submission
58 total reviews
Comment from pierre poote'
Hey mikey. your poem was fantastic. i really thought I had a chance to win the contest with "A Journey" but when I saw yours i knew it was not to be. Love your writes.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Hey mikey. your poem was fantastic. i really thought I had a chance to win the contest with "A Journey" but when I saw yours i knew it was not to be. Love your writes.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Hi. Thank you so much. I absolutely thought your piece was exceptional. You did extremely well against a killer lineup of some of our very best poets. So, count this in win column for yourself. There's some popularity factors and other things that factor in. I'll have to do this again in the near future. What a collection of great poetry. Thanks again. mikey
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i appreciate the encouragement):
Comment from rama devi
Awesome free verse. So finely articulated and rich in imagery! Love the reflective tone. Superb flow even without end-line punctuation. Usually, with so much enjambment, I'd suggest punctuation but this is easy to read without it. Personally, I'd probably add a handful of dashes and prefer a minimal punctuation style for such a long work with so much enjambment.
Super philosophical depth (and height) and a powerful closing note, clearly conveyed. Outstanding random rhyme and internal rhyme as well as poetic devices (too many to list). This is almost a six, but has room for minor fine tuning.
NOTES
Favorite lines (wish I wrote them!):
and dippers great and small
from which nothing is ladled
for a vacuum holds no bounty
Love the personification in this stanza;
even the sun, an uncaring furnace
appears to play along
leaving a trail of stars
foreshadowing the coming night
as it bids adieu
unintentionally dazzling eyes
on its endless journey
and how it later becomes more playful and personal:
The sun ascends unappreciated and behind my back. I recall it sneaking away ... over there, at last glance ... clever yellow girl.
Outstanding lines:
a cowardly castigation of the authentic
as though real needs a cradle to rock in
fearing failure should the truth disappoint
*So I meander along the lakefront. I consider the sunset. I celebrate quietly the moonrise. I try to make sense of it all. I can skim a pebble 'cross the pond-as before ... before what? Before this.
Consider reducing the number of I-pronouns here. Example:
So I meander along the lakefront, consider the sunset...celebrate quietly the moonrise, trying to make sense of it all. I can skim a pebble 'cross the pond-as before ... before what? Before this.
*I kinda like your no cap choice in style, but wonder why there are caps in these four places? (Typos?):
Oh, brave Orion, your belt belies a girth
The night slips into reverie as do I.
Oh my the glitter of glancing light upon the newly sequined squalls
The rosebush in my garden once was grand
LOVE this section too:
where is the majesty in a bear who doesn't growl
or the cuddles in a cub who doesn't squeak in mock bravado
I count stars
each unaware of the other
failing math
I
note that each
star
counts me
failing reality
Conveys much. Great showing not telling.
Love this (note one typo):
Oh my the glitter of glancing light upon the newly sequined squalls
that pound the castles long abandoned by their fickle kings(')
endless ocean, ever aware that the longer the journey
the more poignant seems the metaphor ...
*still glorious and red(--)a joy to view
Bravo. This is impressive, eloquent and memorable. Enjoyed!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2015
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Awesome free verse. So finely articulated and rich in imagery! Love the reflective tone. Superb flow even without end-line punctuation. Usually, with so much enjambment, I'd suggest punctuation but this is easy to read without it. Personally, I'd probably add a handful of dashes and prefer a minimal punctuation style for such a long work with so much enjambment.
Super philosophical depth (and height) and a powerful closing note, clearly conveyed. Outstanding random rhyme and internal rhyme as well as poetic devices (too many to list). This is almost a six, but has room for minor fine tuning.
NOTES
Favorite lines (wish I wrote them!):
and dippers great and small
from which nothing is ladled
for a vacuum holds no bounty
Love the personification in this stanza;
even the sun, an uncaring furnace
appears to play along
leaving a trail of stars
foreshadowing the coming night
as it bids adieu
unintentionally dazzling eyes
on its endless journey
and how it later becomes more playful and personal:
The sun ascends unappreciated and behind my back. I recall it sneaking away ... over there, at last glance ... clever yellow girl.
Outstanding lines:
a cowardly castigation of the authentic
as though real needs a cradle to rock in
fearing failure should the truth disappoint
*So I meander along the lakefront. I consider the sunset. I celebrate quietly the moonrise. I try to make sense of it all. I can skim a pebble 'cross the pond-as before ... before what? Before this.
Consider reducing the number of I-pronouns here. Example:
So I meander along the lakefront, consider the sunset...celebrate quietly the moonrise, trying to make sense of it all. I can skim a pebble 'cross the pond-as before ... before what? Before this.
*I kinda like your no cap choice in style, but wonder why there are caps in these four places? (Typos?):
Oh, brave Orion, your belt belies a girth
The night slips into reverie as do I.
Oh my the glitter of glancing light upon the newly sequined squalls
The rosebush in my garden once was grand
LOVE this section too:
where is the majesty in a bear who doesn't growl
or the cuddles in a cub who doesn't squeak in mock bravado
I count stars
each unaware of the other
failing math
I
note that each
star
counts me
failing reality
Conveys much. Great showing not telling.
Love this (note one typo):
Oh my the glitter of glancing light upon the newly sequined squalls
that pound the castles long abandoned by their fickle kings(')
endless ocean, ever aware that the longer the journey
the more poignant seems the metaphor ...
*still glorious and red(--)a joy to view
Bravo. This is impressive, eloquent and memorable. Enjoyed!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 20-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2015
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I am beyond thrilled with your glowing review. I'm pleased to be honest that my free verse has improved from all I've learned here. I could tell when I finished this that it was more than I could have written two years ago when I started. Reviews like this are such a help. Other than a couple caps, I've made the changes you suggested. YES! Much better. :))) Punctuation is still something I'm learning, so any suggestions are always appreciated. I've learned from you what an amazing difference a little punctuation can make.
Thank you so much. mikey
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Ah yes, dear Mikey, I've been thrilled to see your progress as a poet. I think one is the best I've seen from you.
I just finished sharing with Ravenblack some thoughts about punctuation, so I think I'll paste it here, as you share kindred thoughts on this:
ust sharing my two cents (about this subject in general, not about your poem): I consider punctuation and line breaks as important tools in poetry as they sculpt musical cadences and dramatic pauses that can accentuate the meaning or certain lines and themes. So many people on fanstory seem to consider punctuation irrelevant. I am not talking about 'rules', as these can be bent by poetic license...but the bending should have artistic intent and effect...not be random and make the read harder. I know a lot of Fanstorians complain about me behind my back, and some think I am a know-it-all who is a stickler for grammar. Both impressions are FAR from the truth. I'm someone who is always learning and open to suggestions, and I love bending rules...but ideally, with finesse! Masterful jazz musicians bend notes so that 'mistakes' augment artistry (thus not mistakes). And using little or no punctuation is also an effective tool (one I, too, employ often). However, sometimes it hampers the read rather than enhancing it. I find, in general, that for longer poems with no end line punctuation, using line breaks (or caps) to show new sentences or pauses is optimal.
Warm Smiles, rd
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Ravenblack is awesome!
Beautifully put. It makes all the difference in the world when a piece reads smoothly with no distractions. Punctuation and where a line breaks is critical to that. Jazz is so much fun. I'm more of a rock and roll guy, but jazz is more fun to play for the reasons you point out. Love taking that note that seems like a mistake and making it fit and ultimately making it a MUST part of a piece. :))
They talk about me a little bit now too! Ah yes, jealousy, a sign of success!! mikey
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Ah yes--that's a positive POV on it...a sign of success! :) He he he. It rolls off my back...as I do not give value to the opinions of those who are that immature, unkind, petty and vindictive.
I bet you like Crosby Stills and Nash, yes? They're quite poetic. Jazz is not my favorite genre. I like world fusion best.
Comment from themundanegirl
This is a very well written poem.
Lovely word choice.
I wish you the very best of luck with your contest.
Thanks for sharing
Keep writing
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This is a very well written poem.
Lovely word choice.
I wish you the very best of luck with your contest.
Thanks for sharing
Keep writing
Comment Written 20-Oct-2015
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh my, I did try, but I find some use of metaphor just too much for my tiny brain to compute. I hesitate to suggest this is anything less than beautiful because I certainly see much beauty in it, but I like metaphor use that pretty much anyone can figure out. Anything too obtuse just seems to me to be written solely for the poet.
I find that there is a group of 'poets' here and elsewhere who snub any poetry that isn't 'thick' enough. My argument would be that is a sad testament as to why poetry just doesn't sell like it once did, isn't as popular as it was in the day of Shakespeare.
Anyhow, what do I know? LOL. I do know I loved the poignancy of this piece...
Best of luck in the contest, Mikey.
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Oh my, I did try, but I find some use of metaphor just too much for my tiny brain to compute. I hesitate to suggest this is anything less than beautiful because I certainly see much beauty in it, but I like metaphor use that pretty much anyone can figure out. Anything too obtuse just seems to me to be written solely for the poet.
I find that there is a group of 'poets' here and elsewhere who snub any poetry that isn't 'thick' enough. My argument would be that is a sad testament as to why poetry just doesn't sell like it once did, isn't as popular as it was in the day of Shakespeare.
Anyhow, what do I know? LOL. I do know I loved the poignancy of this piece...
Best of luck in the contest, Mikey.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2015
Comment from LeslieP5
This philosophical poems meanders through the pathways of your mind, as you wander the shores of the lakefront, looking at reflections of days gone by and seeking truth and reality. But as the constellations are sometimes empty illusions of their whole, at some point, wondering and pondering, you seem empty of revelations - they lead nowhere and head home to where a rose bush once grew. Yet the single flower, with its thorns had been worth every hurt and injury suffered. This is a complex poem and your type style, color and formatting adds to the effect.
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This philosophical poems meanders through the pathways of your mind, as you wander the shores of the lakefront, looking at reflections of days gone by and seeking truth and reality. But as the constellations are sometimes empty illusions of their whole, at some point, wondering and pondering, you seem empty of revelations - they lead nowhere and head home to where a rose bush once grew. Yet the single flower, with its thorns had been worth every hurt and injury suffered. This is a complex poem and your type style, color and formatting adds to the effect.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2015
Comment from ericawrites
A very well written piece, using beautiful imagery, you paint a picture with your words. I like free verse and this is a wonderful example of same.
Well done, thank you for sharing your work.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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A very well written piece, using beautiful imagery, you paint a picture with your words. I like free verse and this is a wonderful example of same.
Well done, thank you for sharing your work.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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I'm so pleased you enjoyed this. I'm always delighted when someone appreciates free verse. Very encouraging. Wow, look at all the stars. I can't stop smiling. Thank you so much. mikey
Comment from frogbook
This original and deep. The words and phrases, even the title were so compelling. I was quite transfixed while reading all of it. If I may say so the changing forms were a little difficult to follow, but some I really liked some of them. Very excellent piece and best of luck in the contest. I have a few more to read but feel I will be returning with a vote for you.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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This original and deep. The words and phrases, even the title were so compelling. I was quite transfixed while reading all of it. If I may say so the changing forms were a little difficult to follow, but some I really liked some of them. Very excellent piece and best of luck in the contest. I have a few more to read but feel I will be returning with a vote for you.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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I'm so pleased you enjoyed this. Thanks so much for the encouraging words. Some great entries, so I'll cross my fingers. :)) mikey
Comment from paperwait
I finally took the time to read and study one of your poems. I really like this one. It speaks of great reflection on how our environment affects us. To me, it says how important it is for us to see the messages around us while not forgetting where we came from or who we are. I guess we need to "take time to smell the roses" especially when they are so abundant, for soon they may be gone.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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I finally took the time to read and study one of your poems. I really like this one. It speaks of great reflection on how our environment affects us. To me, it says how important it is for us to see the messages around us while not forgetting where we came from or who we are. I guess we need to "take time to smell the roses" especially when they are so abundant, for soon they may be gone.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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I'm so pleased you stopped by to read one that I'm proud of. I just love your insights on my work. Beautifully put and poetic in their own right. Thank you so much for the kind words and great review. mikey
Comment from rameypa
This is very deep. I am not good yet at this form of writing. You seem to have it down well. I enjoyed it very much and it had much imagery for me. I wish I could offer more in the line of improvements. Nice piece.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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This is very deep. I am not good yet at this form of writing. You seem to have it down well. I enjoyed it very much and it had much imagery for me. I wish I could offer more in the line of improvements. Nice piece.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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I'm always pleased to listen to wonderful words of praise! :)
I'm so happy you enjoyed. Styles and forms just come with practice and time. I happen to like this kind of rambling style. It suits me since I've been known to talk a bit much. Ha! mikey
Comment from Poetofheart2013
A very Beautiful poem full very good imaging I love how you worded it made it come alive with beauty and grace. It like seeing a picture of it.
I really enjoy reading. Keep the good work.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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A very Beautiful poem full very good imaging I love how you worded it made it come alive with beauty and grace. It like seeing a picture of it.
I really enjoy reading. Keep the good work.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2015
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Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I'm glad you enjoyed it. mikey
