Short Form Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "haiku (toxic colors)"A Collection Of Short Form Poetry
15 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Superb word economy and descriptive word choices that get maximum mileage from the syllables. Superb line two with ignites being an apt verb and blurred sun being an effective description. The use of TOXIC with colors is powerful...as I have heard it is pollution that makes sunsets more colorful. So this gives a strong environmental overtone and well conveyed in just two words!
Fine alliteration of C with colors and close.
Fine assonance of I between horizon and ignites.
Powerful satori line, within this context...as eyes close can be interpreted in the moment (from the pollution of that night) and in the extended future (indicating all eyes may eventually close for good if we continue to pollute the planet).
Wish I had a six for this packs in so much in few words.
Good luck in the contest.
Strong contender.
Warmly, rd
stinging eyes close
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Superb word economy and descriptive word choices that get maximum mileage from the syllables. Superb line two with ignites being an apt verb and blurred sun being an effective description. The use of TOXIC with colors is powerful...as I have heard it is pollution that makes sunsets more colorful. So this gives a strong environmental overtone and well conveyed in just two words!
Fine alliteration of C with colors and close.
Fine assonance of I between horizon and ignites.
Powerful satori line, within this context...as eyes close can be interpreted in the moment (from the pollution of that night) and in the extended future (indicating all eyes may eventually close for good if we continue to pollute the planet).
Wish I had a six for this packs in so much in few words.
Good luck in the contest.
Strong contender.
Warmly, rd
stinging eyes close
Comment Written 18-Sep-2015
Comment from poetadeu
Well, this is a different take on the sunshine/
moonlight contest. It is hard to comprehend the
toxins that are in our atmosphere, but no one
is comfortable speaking of it. Truth is, we will
have to sooner or later. Best wishes!!!
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Well, this is a different take on the sunshine/
moonlight contest. It is hard to comprehend the
toxins that are in our atmosphere, but no one
is comfortable speaking of it. Truth is, we will
have to sooner or later. Best wishes!!!
Comment Written 18-Sep-2015
Comment from robyn corum
I've had this happen before -- when the sun is so bright and the colors so vivid, they hurt - and you must close your eyes (or squint) for relief. Sad, because you miss the beauty!
Nice work!
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I've had this happen before -- when the sun is so bright and the colors so vivid, they hurt - and you must close your eyes (or squint) for relief. Sad, because you miss the beauty!
Nice work!
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
Comment from seaglass
Here is the west where I live, the skies have looked like this picture here far to often this summer. Your haiku paints this picture accurately.
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Here is the west where I live, the skies have looked like this picture here far to often this summer. Your haiku paints this picture accurately.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, mystery writer, talking about how hard it is to look directly into the son, great imagery, I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
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this is an excellent write, mystery writer, talking about how hard it is to look directly into the son, great imagery, I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello :)
Beautiful haiku that follows all the rules effectively - 2 lines interconnected, a clever satori, kigo, and perfect syllable count. Good job!
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Hello :)
Beautiful haiku that follows all the rules effectively - 2 lines interconnected, a clever satori, kigo, and perfect syllable count. Good job!
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Michael: very pretty sunset and great poem to go with it. You call it garish and I call it a miracle of life.flylikeaneagle
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Michael: very pretty sunset and great poem to go with it. You call it garish and I call it a miracle of life.flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
Comment from nordicgirl
A different and sober take on the topic. This hits home after reading all the pieces about idyllic sunsets. If we continue to pollute the environment it will look pretty, but it will be deadly. Powerful piece with wonderful word choices. Very poetic.
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A different and sober take on the topic. This hits home after reading all the pieces about idyllic sunsets. If we continue to pollute the environment it will look pretty, but it will be deadly. Powerful piece with wonderful word choices. Very poetic.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
Comment from rspoet
This is a fine haiku for the contest
A somewhat different approach
a toxic sky of garish colors
searing and burning
4-8-4 syllables are good
Excellent imagery and connection
Present tense and s/l/s
Excellent picture
Well done
Good luck in the contest
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This is a fine haiku for the contest
A somewhat different approach
a toxic sky of garish colors
searing and burning
4-8-4 syllables are good
Excellent imagery and connection
Present tense and s/l/s
Excellent picture
Well done
Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
Comment from Joyce Long
With the first read, this is a cute poem about the sunset. But, on the second reading, the words become more focused. Garish is a wonderful word to use as it displays bright colors.
I'm not certain about your last line. Usually the sunset doesn't burn the eyes. If you used something like 'admiring' eyes, you only add one syllable and would be at 16 syllables.
Well done.
Joyce 9-17-15
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With the first read, this is a cute poem about the sunset. But, on the second reading, the words become more focused. Garish is a wonderful word to use as it displays bright colors.
I'm not certain about your last line. Usually the sunset doesn't burn the eyes. If you used something like 'admiring' eyes, you only add one syllable and would be at 16 syllables.
Well done.
Joyce 9-17-15
Comment Written 17-Sep-2015
