Family
Viewing comments for Chapter 112 "My Brother's Backyard"Personal poems
8 total reviews
Comment from rod007
A great poem with vivid descriptions of that wonderful park but more than that one feels the festivities of the family gathering with tons of food and drink to 'set the mood.'
Well done, Tom.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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A great poem with vivid descriptions of that wonderful park but more than that one feels the festivities of the family gathering with tons of food and drink to 'set the mood.'
Well done, Tom.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thank you rid, family, food, and drink. What could be better! Lol.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
This looks like such a nice and relaxing spot to enjoy the company of others in. Well written poem that draws readers into this pond area. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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This looks like such a nice and relaxing spot to enjoy the company of others in. Well written poem that draws readers into this pond area. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Thanks again Brett
Comment from Pantygynt
Whatever I may be about to say concerning the form and your adherence to it, this piece conveys well the idea of a spacious, well laid out and cared for back yard as you folk will insist on calling you often beautiful gardens! It is easy to see why you like it there, and the imagery in the poem works well. It's just this cultural thing that the term backyard conveys all the wrong images to a brit! A pokey area bits and pieces lying around a sort of open air workshop adjacent to the actual garden itself. Of course none of that affects the poem at all.
You declare that this is written in iambic pentameter with a couple of feminine endings. One of these is in the envoi and the other I imagine is two lines earlier , the line ending in "cherish". Certainly this is a feminine ending with the natural emphasis on the first syllable and , as such it is surely that syllable that should provide the rhyme and not as you have here on the final syllable.
In the first stanza L1 "brothers" and L3 "anniversary" - neither of these words "sit" very comfortably within the iambic pentameter because of the way the natural spoken emphasis falls. This could be a pronunciation difference across the great divide but somehow I don't think so. If the third line were to be written/spoken "A table with those annivers'ry cards" that would solve the problem. I am not sure I can offer such a simple solution to line 1.
S1,L5 is in point of fact a tetrameter. Is there something missing?
I am presuming that the refrain lies outside your definition.
I hope this is helpful. It is intended to be so.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Whatever I may be about to say concerning the form and your adherence to it, this piece conveys well the idea of a spacious, well laid out and cared for back yard as you folk will insist on calling you often beautiful gardens! It is easy to see why you like it there, and the imagery in the poem works well. It's just this cultural thing that the term backyard conveys all the wrong images to a brit! A pokey area bits and pieces lying around a sort of open air workshop adjacent to the actual garden itself. Of course none of that affects the poem at all.
You declare that this is written in iambic pentameter with a couple of feminine endings. One of these is in the envoi and the other I imagine is two lines earlier , the line ending in "cherish". Certainly this is a feminine ending with the natural emphasis on the first syllable and , as such it is surely that syllable that should provide the rhyme and not as you have here on the final syllable.
In the first stanza L1 "brothers" and L3 "anniversary" - neither of these words "sit" very comfortably within the iambic pentameter because of the way the natural spoken emphasis falls. This could be a pronunciation difference across the great divide but somehow I don't think so. If the third line were to be written/spoken "A table with those annivers'ry cards" that would solve the problem. I am not sure I can offer such a simple solution to line 1.
S1,L5 is in point of fact a tetrameter. Is there something missing?
I am presuming that the refrain lies outside your definition.
I hope this is helpful. It is intended to be so.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Thank you Pantygynt. You are exactly correct in you selection of the 2 feminine lines. And I do agree that "cherish" was a bit of a stretch. I will agree that first syllable provides the upbeat, but not that it invalidates the rhyme.
Indeed the refrain is outside of the definition.
I think that the word "brothers" is a more neutral word that can be pronounced accented either way, and that broTHERS in the context of line is perfectly fine.
Likewise, ANniVERsaRY scans fine for me.
I may have dropped something in the type up of S1, L5. I'll have to go take a look.
In any case, I definitely do appreciate comments from fellow learned poets. Thank you for them. That is what makes this site worthwhile.
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Ah, i checked, and you are correct, i did omit two words while typing up S1, L5, they where "you'll find". Fixed it. Thanks for the catch. Oh, and S1, L2 is another feminine line.
Comment from robina1978
Excellent photo that complements your poem perfectly. You kept to the form you chose, it is nice. Your brother must be stinking rich. Nice you all get on so well. Do you live close by?
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Excellent photo that complements your poem perfectly. You kept to the form you chose, it is nice. Your brother must be stinking rich. Nice you all get on so well. Do you live close by?
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Thank you Ine. It takes about 45 minutes to drive from my house to his.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
Beautiful poetry. Do your brother have a little shed in his backyard? I think it will be awesome to live in such a lovely garden everyday...
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Beautiful poetry. Do your brother have a little shed in his backyard? I think it will be awesome to live in such a lovely garden everyday...
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Thank you Sandra. Actually, yes he does.
Comment from TAB_that's me
This place really looks beautiful and peaceful. Your poem is written well with good end rhymes. You do form poetry very well.
teresa
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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This place really looks beautiful and peaceful. Your poem is written well with good end rhymes. You do form poetry very well.
teresa
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you very much Teresa.
Comment from His Grayness
The poetry lesson alone is worth ten stars and the poem itself is of course very unique in style, interesting in subject, and lovely in presentation! HIS GRAYNESS
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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The poetry lesson alone is worth ten stars and the poem itself is of course very unique in style, interesting in subject, and lovely in presentation! HIS GRAYNESS
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you Vance. I am very pleased with this enthusiastic review and award of stars. Glad you liked it.
Comment from I am Cat
Beautifully done, Treischel,
and of course, my favorite backyard as well ;)
love this part, especially:
Esthetically, like gardens in Japan,
With terra-cotta water-spewing fish -
A most relaxing place to make a wish.
Those are among the many things to cherish
In my brother's backyard.
ahhh.... sounds lovely!
wonderful poem and what a gorgeous photo!
Cat
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Beautifully done, Treischel,
and of course, my favorite backyard as well ;)
love this part, especially:
Esthetically, like gardens in Japan,
With terra-cotta water-spewing fish -
A most relaxing place to make a wish.
Those are among the many things to cherish
In my brother's backyard.
ahhh.... sounds lovely!
wonderful poem and what a gorgeous photo!
Cat
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you Cat. Gotta love it.
