A girl on fire.
A short story.19 total reviews
Comment from His Grayness
This captures and holds attention from the reader creating amazing "GRIP:: which is the real measure of writing skill ... well at least one of the major ones and so I would give this six stars if I had them. Really enjoyed the history lesson as well! His Grayness
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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This captures and holds attention from the reader creating amazing "GRIP:: which is the real measure of writing skill ... well at least one of the major ones and so I would give this six stars if I had them. Really enjoyed the history lesson as well! His Grayness
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great week. Thanks Les for a virtual six.
Comment from Gert sherwood
A catchy title Robina
A girl on fire
Like your thoughts
I found this interesting quote--
"Witches never existed, except in people's minds. All there was in the olden days was women and some men who believed in herbal cures and in folklore and in the wish to fly. Witches? We're all witches in one way or another. Witches was the invention of mankind, son. We're all witches beneath the skin."
-- Ian Rankin
Good entry for the (what if contest.)
Gert
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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A catchy title Robina
A girl on fire
Like your thoughts
I found this interesting quote--
"Witches never existed, except in people's minds. All there was in the olden days was women and some men who believed in herbal cures and in folklore and in the wish to fly. Witches? We're all witches in one way or another. Witches was the invention of mankind, son. We're all witches beneath the skin."
-- Ian Rankin
Good entry for the (what if contest.)
Gert
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great week.
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the picture. I love the story. It is a good beginning to an adventure story. I would like to see a character that trained her. I would like a little information about her life. I would like to see someone she sought revenge for. Great work.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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I love the picture. I love the story. It is a good beginning to an adventure story. I would like to see a character that trained her. I would like a little information about her life. I would like to see someone she sought revenge for. Great work.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a lovely week. I keep repeating myself, thanks once more from the bottom of my heart.
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Ine. You are writing some very good stuff at the moment mate and I enjoy reading your work very much. This is a very educational piece and that girl on fire is scary! Very good work and good luck. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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G'day Ine. You are writing some very good stuff at the moment mate and I enjoy reading your work very much. This is a very educational piece and that girl on fire is scary! Very good work and good luck. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great and blessed Sunday.
Comment from Sis Cat
Your opening lines and questions drew me into your story and wonder what is going on, "She is a girl on fire, not by love, but real fire." You then describe a girl with the powers to combust fires. I thought you were describing a super-heroine who was the female equivalent of the Human Torch. I was thrown back and lost when I discovered you were writing about a witch. When you repeated what you read in history books about witches, it took away from what should have been your main story--stopping a flaming girl.
When you wrote, "I found a solution, tries it on the girl on fire, but utter failure followed: she got even more tricks and more vicious," I feel this is a lost opportunity to write a descriptive passage in which the character battles with the witch. "Show, don't tell" is an adage I hear often in writing. I would rather see that battle than to wade through several paragraphs of Witchcraft 101.
The line "Maybe holding a cross in front of her might be useful. I tried it and it worked: the girl on fire lost all her powers, and remained alive," is another lost opportunity to write descriptively, to show instead of tell. Try to write a scene as good as the scene from the end of the "Wizard of Oz" in which Dorothy threw water on the Wicked Witch of the West who cried out "I'm melting, melting," and then crumpled into a pile of steaming, black clothes.
Since you are asking, "Did you like this story?" I would have to answer "No," because I felt that as a reader I was robbed of a potentially good story. You have an excellent what if premise but you divulge to explaining things instead of showing things. By avoiding to show the combat between the witch and heroine, you avoid crafting a plausible means for someone to approach a flaming girl and survive. I do not think the witch is going to stand there and wait for you to flash a cross at her.
Study Dean Kuch's Tiny Tales of Horror and come up with your own about a flaming girl. Read horror and paranormal stories so you can learn how to craft one. Keep writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Your opening lines and questions drew me into your story and wonder what is going on, "She is a girl on fire, not by love, but real fire." You then describe a girl with the powers to combust fires. I thought you were describing a super-heroine who was the female equivalent of the Human Torch. I was thrown back and lost when I discovered you were writing about a witch. When you repeated what you read in history books about witches, it took away from what should have been your main story--stopping a flaming girl.
When you wrote, "I found a solution, tries it on the girl on fire, but utter failure followed: she got even more tricks and more vicious," I feel this is a lost opportunity to write a descriptive passage in which the character battles with the witch. "Show, don't tell" is an adage I hear often in writing. I would rather see that battle than to wade through several paragraphs of Witchcraft 101.
The line "Maybe holding a cross in front of her might be useful. I tried it and it worked: the girl on fire lost all her powers, and remained alive," is another lost opportunity to write descriptively, to show instead of tell. Try to write a scene as good as the scene from the end of the "Wizard of Oz" in which Dorothy threw water on the Wicked Witch of the West who cried out "I'm melting, melting," and then crumpled into a pile of steaming, black clothes.
Since you are asking, "Did you like this story?" I would have to answer "No," because I felt that as a reader I was robbed of a potentially good story. You have an excellent what if premise but you divulge to explaining things instead of showing things. By avoiding to show the combat between the witch and heroine, you avoid crafting a plausible means for someone to approach a flaming girl and survive. I do not think the witch is going to stand there and wait for you to flash a cross at her.
Study Dean Kuch's Tiny Tales of Horror and come up with your own about a flaming girl. Read horror and paranormal stories so you can learn how to craft one. Keep writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great and blessed Sunday.
Comment from Curly Girly
This is not a subject I enjoy reading and it is highly controversial these days. The Wicca movement is alive and well in modern times, and is probably supported by many feminists.
Why worship aspects of creation?
Who can save themselves?
It is just another form of religion which opposes everyone's who does not agree with them.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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This is not a subject I enjoy reading and it is highly controversial these days. The Wicca movement is alive and well in modern times, and is probably supported by many feminists.
Why worship aspects of creation?
Who can save themselves?
It is just another form of religion which opposes everyone's who does not agree with them.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great and blessed Sunday.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
A nice contest entry.
Love the way you told a story and used that story to teach at the same time.
Loved the history lesson, very well stated and added where needed to make it seem real.
Nicely done
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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A nice contest entry.
Love the way you told a story and used that story to teach at the same time.
Loved the history lesson, very well stated and added where needed to make it seem real.
Nicely done
Comment Written 25-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great and blessed Sunday.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Ine,
I never even saw this contest to write a "What if" story. You did a good job in writing it. Reading it held my my attention all the way through. I found it to be interesting.
Kat
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Hi Ine,
I never even saw this contest to write a "What if" story. You did a good job in writing it. Reading it held my my attention all the way through. I found it to be interesting.
Kat
Comment Written 25-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great and blessed Sunday.
Comment from BeasPeas
This is an interesting and informative story and from what I have read on the subject, historically correct. I don't see any changes and I wish you luck in the contest with this worthy entry. Marilyn/BeasPeas
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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This is an interesting and informative story and from what I have read on the subject, historically correct. I don't see any changes and I wish you luck in the contest with this worthy entry. Marilyn/BeasPeas
Comment Written 25-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great and blessed Sunday.
Comment from LIJ Red
This is so promising, but it needs a lot of work. You have part of the story, which is good stuff, the premise that there are witches. The Bible says thou shalt not suffer a witch to live in a very early part of the Pentateuch. Then you have some very good research which needs to be blended into the story line, not served in one big cold chunk. Then you need to make it all point to the ending, which now is dropped in as a sort of afterthought, in one line. I'll give it five,the Fanstory way, because your
plotline, conclusion, and premise are excellent. But it needs some tuning.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2015
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This is so promising, but it needs a lot of work. You have part of the story, which is good stuff, the premise that there are witches. The Bible says thou shalt not suffer a witch to live in a very early part of the Pentateuch. Then you have some very good research which needs to be blended into the story line, not served in one big cold chunk. Then you need to make it all point to the ending, which now is dropped in as a sort of afterthought, in one line. I'll give it five,the Fanstory way, because your
plotline, conclusion, and premise are excellent. But it needs some tuning.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2015
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Thanks for the kind review, Ine. Have a great weekend.
