The Science Fair
Young girl needing attention enters science fair project.13 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
First of all thank you for your service When you say Gunner does that mean you were sniper? I am fascinated with snipers I think I was one in a past life definitely, possibly the Civil War. I love guns and I've always had either a BB gun or I got to use my friends 22. The kick didn't even bother me and I wasn't nervous about any of it. It almost seemed familiar.
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Your setting and characters at the beginning of this are something the reader can identify with. Erica has a lovely supportive mother. Many mothers are so taken up with their own stuff they don't really have time to reach out and encourage their child. My mother was never encouraged by her mother so she didn't even know how to encourage us. This is a strong example you have portrayed. A sweet ending. Good job.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2024
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First of all thank you for your service When you say Gunner does that mean you were sniper? I am fascinated with snipers I think I was one in a past life definitely, possibly the Civil War. I love guns and I've always had either a BB gun or I got to use my friends 22. The kick didn't even bother me and I wasn't nervous about any of it. It almost seemed familiar.
*********
Your setting and characters at the beginning of this are something the reader can identify with. Erica has a lovely supportive mother. Many mothers are so taken up with their own stuff they don't really have time to reach out and encourage their child. My mother was never encouraged by her mother so she didn't even know how to encourage us. This is a strong example you have portrayed. A sweet ending. Good job.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2024
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Thank you! I had many roles in the USMC. The best one was peacekeeping.
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That is the best...
Comment from mommerry
This is a well-written story showing even though everything does not come out perfectly, sometimes the side benefits are much better than if they had. A really good story to boost the self-esteem of middle schoolers who doubt their own worth.
reply by the author on 12-May-2015
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This is a well-written story showing even though everything does not come out perfectly, sometimes the side benefits are much better than if they had. A really good story to boost the self-esteem of middle schoolers who doubt their own worth.
Comment Written 12-May-2015
reply by the author on 12-May-2015
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Thank for your kind words. I enjoyed writing this and happy you did too.
Comment from Sasha
You do a nice job building the characters in this. Excellent story that keeps the reader's attention. I anticipated a story about the books Divergent, but still enjoyed this one.
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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You do a nice job building the characters in this. Excellent story that keeps the reader's attention. I anticipated a story about the books Divergent, but still enjoyed this one.
Comment Written 08-May-2015
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Thank you for your kind words. Story got misplaced. Sorry!
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Not a problem. I haven't read the books and only saw the movie last month...just loved it. I have seen this contest before but until I saw the movie I had no idea what it was about.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
story review
Good job!
-action flows smoothly
-descriptive language used
-excellent format
-excellent character development
-held my interest all the way to the end
Write on!
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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story review
Good job!
-action flows smoothly
-descriptive language used
-excellent format
-excellent character development
-held my interest all the way to the end
Write on!
Comment Written 08-May-2015
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Thank you. Had fun writing this. Happy you enjoyed it as well.!!
Comment from TPAC
Cute story with happy ending. Sequence of events truly detail the child story. Plot is well sketched and mostly throughout held my interest. The poverty portion took me off focus about the mother. Could be personal: seeing violins, You have all the ingredients of a special event. Blossom the concept items to precise themes. Rather then stretch wording condense spots.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Cute story with happy ending. Sequence of events truly detail the child story. Plot is well sketched and mostly throughout held my interest. The poverty portion took me off focus about the mother. Could be personal: seeing violins, You have all the ingredients of a special event. Blossom the concept items to precise themes. Rather then stretch wording condense spots.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you for your kind words.
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just my view
Comment from PrincessinPurple
Okay I read this, but I do not see anything which is related to Divergent. I read it all and I was hoping to see a character or two from the book, but there isn't any in the story? How does this relate to Divergent?
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Okay I read this, but I do not see anything which is related to Divergent. I read it all and I was hoping to see a character or two from the book, but there isn't any in the story? How does this relate to Divergent?
Comment Written 24-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Story was missed placed in Divergent. Sorry.
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It's okay.
Comment from Bill Schott
This is a surprising story of a young girl discovering her self worth. It is straight forward and gives the reader a good feeling at its conclusion. This would a good story for a middle school student to read (although I enjoyed its non-threatening approach.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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This is a surprising story of a young girl discovering her self worth. It is straight forward and gives the reader a good feeling at its conclusion. This would a good story for a middle school student to read (although I enjoyed its non-threatening approach.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your thoughts on this short story. Thanks again!
Comment from Muffins
Erica's point of view takes the reader deep inside the thoughts and feelings of a young girl wanting to fit in. This line summed up the stories theme perfectly:"When adults and students asked questions about her project, she felt needed and liked, not just a poor, skinny white kid from the housing projects." It why to insert what type of life she's living without making it stand out like a neon sign. She's poor, she's white o.k. move on. I enjoyed reading this.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Erica's point of view takes the reader deep inside the thoughts and feelings of a young girl wanting to fit in. This line summed up the stories theme perfectly:"When adults and students asked questions about her project, she felt needed and liked, not just a poor, skinny white kid from the housing projects." It why to insert what type of life she's living without making it stand out like a neon sign. She's poor, she's white o.k. move on. I enjoyed reading this.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you!! Happy you enjoyed it!
Comment from jpduck
First of all, a huge welcome to FanStory -- a great place to be. I see I have the huge privilege of reviewing your first posting on FS.
Before I forget, the contest requirements say that you must enter the word-count for the piece under Author Notes (My MS Word makes it 980 words). Provided you add this before the contest closes, your entry won't be disqualified).
I have not read the original 'Divergent', but I don't suppose this matters. I thought this was a good piece of young adult fiction, and I can easily imagine teenagers enjoying reading it. Well done.
Some minor typos and SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
SUMMARY LINE: 'Young girl need*ing* attention enters science fair project.'
'Her tall*,* slender figure'
'because of the out dated clothes she wore' ('Out dated' should be one word).
'monthly shopping trips to second*-*hand stores'
'Is this how the other girls feel when they dress for school everyday?' (I suggest you put this in italics to indicate it is someone's thoughts; this is a well-established convention).
'with attendance breaking last year*'*s record'
'Mr. Adler, with the list of winners in his hand walked' (Delete the line-break after this).
Adrian
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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First of all, a huge welcome to FanStory -- a great place to be. I see I have the huge privilege of reviewing your first posting on FS.
Before I forget, the contest requirements say that you must enter the word-count for the piece under Author Notes (My MS Word makes it 980 words). Provided you add this before the contest closes, your entry won't be disqualified).
I have not read the original 'Divergent', but I don't suppose this matters. I thought this was a good piece of young adult fiction, and I can easily imagine teenagers enjoying reading it. Well done.
Some minor typos and SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
SUMMARY LINE: 'Young girl need*ing* attention enters science fair project.'
'Her tall*,* slender figure'
'because of the out dated clothes she wore' ('Out dated' should be one word).
'monthly shopping trips to second*-*hand stores'
'Is this how the other girls feel when they dress for school everyday?' (I suggest you put this in italics to indicate it is someone's thoughts; this is a well-established convention).
'with attendance breaking last year*'*s record'
'Mr. Adler, with the list of winners in his hand walked' (Delete the line-break after this).
Adrian
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your review and help. I'm a neophyte.
Comment from 4hisglory
I always felt like the poor girl with the second-hand clothes when I grew up, so I can relate to this story.
I think it might be better told from the thoughts of Erica and how she felt about everything. Readers want to enter into the charaters as if they are living the part.
The last paragraph is a good ending to the story.
Blessings, LaVonne
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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I always felt like the poor girl with the second-hand clothes when I grew up, so I can relate to this story.
I think it might be better told from the thoughts of Erica and how she felt about everything. Readers want to enter into the charaters as if they are living the part.
The last paragraph is a good ending to the story.
Blessings, LaVonne
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Thank you for reading my story and your suggestion.
