Beautiful Death
Viewing comments for Chapter 10000 "Forgotten chiefs"from birth I have longed for death
8 total reviews
Comment from J Patience
I like that you're telling me about a real moment. Those are what we can count on to grasp what real life is like for some, and what it can be for us in some cases. This sounds like a sweet/sour moment that is worth treasuring.
The first thing that distracted me was the sentence: I am not afraid, I am fifteen and this is my first job. It seems like the two sections of the sentence contradict each other because a 15-yr-old doing a first job having to do with sick people would usually be a scary thing to them. I felt that the words "even though" might work well after the comma, then explanation for why this first job is not frightening to someone so young would be a good interest point.
I know that it could be a style of writing, but seeing: Two small beds, barely big enough... also caught me off-guard. I would expect "Upon entering, I saw two small beds..."
Reading: what tribe is unknown. It sounded awkward in my head. Writing "Their tribe is unknown," or "Which tribe they come from was never discovered" would flow more smoothly. - Although, if they're talking, I'm surprised no one asked them and found out. Maybe there could be an explanation there, even if it's just that no one tells a 15-yr-old anything. Also, how was their regal personas conveyed? All of this would be of interest to me and, I believe, to any reader.
Reading: Sitting with them listening to them talk a little about their past as leaders and chief's of their people... a fragmented sentence that, again, could be a style but is actually distracting - to me anyhow.
These sorts of things are what I noted as hiccups in the reading experience. Again, though, I like the subject matter and the fact that it's real.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2015
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I like that you're telling me about a real moment. Those are what we can count on to grasp what real life is like for some, and what it can be for us in some cases. This sounds like a sweet/sour moment that is worth treasuring.
The first thing that distracted me was the sentence: I am not afraid, I am fifteen and this is my first job. It seems like the two sections of the sentence contradict each other because a 15-yr-old doing a first job having to do with sick people would usually be a scary thing to them. I felt that the words "even though" might work well after the comma, then explanation for why this first job is not frightening to someone so young would be a good interest point.
I know that it could be a style of writing, but seeing: Two small beds, barely big enough... also caught me off-guard. I would expect "Upon entering, I saw two small beds..."
Reading: what tribe is unknown. It sounded awkward in my head. Writing "Their tribe is unknown," or "Which tribe they come from was never discovered" would flow more smoothly. - Although, if they're talking, I'm surprised no one asked them and found out. Maybe there could be an explanation there, even if it's just that no one tells a 15-yr-old anything. Also, how was their regal personas conveyed? All of this would be of interest to me and, I believe, to any reader.
Reading: Sitting with them listening to them talk a little about their past as leaders and chief's of their people... a fragmented sentence that, again, could be a style but is actually distracting - to me anyhow.
These sorts of things are what I noted as hiccups in the reading experience. Again, though, I like the subject matter and the fact that it's real.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2015
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Thank you for your notes.
I am going back to see what can be explained.
Comment from c_lucas
I have spent decades researching North American Indians; Myths and Legends. If you are truly interested in your heritage I can set you on the right path. If not I understand. This is very well written.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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I have spent decades researching North American Indians; Myths and Legends. If you are truly interested in your heritage I can set you on the right path. If not I understand. This is very well written.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thank you for your reply.
It helps me a lot that I so far haven't messed up my memory of the Indian story, with my little story.
I am so into my writing at this moment that I do not dare distract myself.
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You're welcome CB. Chalrie
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day mate. The improvement in such a short time in your writing is immense. This is such a wonderful story of the two poor guys and how you helped them. I know how they must have felt as my people are the same when stuck in an alien environment.
I am so proud of you when I look at how much you are learning on here and using it to make your story way more reader friendly. A well deserved six stars for you my friend. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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G'day mate. The improvement in such a short time in your writing is immense. This is such a wonderful story of the two poor guys and how you helped them. I know how they must have felt as my people are the same when stuck in an alien environment.
I am so proud of you when I look at how much you are learning on here and using it to make your story way more reader friendly. A well deserved six stars for you my friend. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 24-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thank you!
Comment from Cat of Letters
Hi,
I found this piece very moving. You contrast well between the dignity these men one enjoyed, their standing, and the miserable end they have had inflicted on them in a tag end institution.
Even the names they had been given were degrading, like dogs' names.
You seem to have lost some of your line spacing with the upload, as we all do, you might want to adjust it.
A beautiful, poetic, and sad piece.
Best wishes, Alison
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Hi,
I found this piece very moving. You contrast well between the dignity these men one enjoyed, their standing, and the miserable end they have had inflicted on them in a tag end institution.
Even the names they had been given were degrading, like dogs' names.
You seem to have lost some of your line spacing with the upload, as we all do, you might want to adjust it.
A beautiful, poetic, and sad piece.
Best wishes, Alison
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thank you!
Having kind reviews helps me continue.
I love your tag "Cat of Letters.:
Comment from chasennov
Chapter 10000 of the book Beautiful Death Two ancient Indian chiefs caught between present and past "Forgotten chiefs" Yes, I'm afraid that life does this kind of injustice to once good people. How then is it that they are so soon forgotten? Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Chapter 10000 of the book Beautiful Death Two ancient Indian chiefs caught between present and past "Forgotten chiefs" Yes, I'm afraid that life does this kind of injustice to once good people. How then is it that they are so soon forgotten? Well done.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thank you so much!
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You are most welcome.
Comment from lancellot
The story of working in such a place is good and has a lot of emotional appeal. I would suggest taking your time in the editing phase. I like printing my work out and then going over it for a couple of days with a pencil. I find lots of stuff my eyes originally missed.
notes:
I {struggle} up the last flight of stairs, passing odd slightly unsettling scraps of humanity.
- if you are telling this in the present tense.
I am not afraid[.] I am fifteen, this is my first job.
-change
Both have brown skin with little tufts of hair on [their] heads,
-add
What {tribe is} unknown.
-change
Even stripped of all they were they still carry inner regal {personas}.
-change
How did such obviously honorable men come to be {here?}
- change
I am told to talk to them, {feed and make }them comfortable if possible.
- drop the 'ing'
A place for homeless (:) people who often have a shady past;
- delete
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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The story of working in such a place is good and has a lot of emotional appeal. I would suggest taking your time in the editing phase. I like printing my work out and then going over it for a couple of days with a pencil. I find lots of stuff my eyes originally missed.
notes:
I {struggle} up the last flight of stairs, passing odd slightly unsettling scraps of humanity.
- if you are telling this in the present tense.
I am not afraid[.] I am fifteen, this is my first job.
-change
Both have brown skin with little tufts of hair on [their] heads,
-add
What {tribe is} unknown.
-change
Even stripped of all they were they still carry inner regal {personas}.
-change
How did such obviously honorable men come to be {here?}
- change
I am told to talk to them, {feed and make }them comfortable if possible.
- drop the 'ing'
A place for homeless (:) people who often have a shady past;
- delete
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thanks again!
Because of your help I hope to gradually improve.
Comment from amahra
This is a very beautiful story that you have delighted your reader to experience. Very nicely written with so much feeling. I was wondering, however, why the '10000 instead of numbered chapters, example: chapter one, two, etc.?
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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This is a very beautiful story that you have delighted your reader to experience. Very nicely written with so much feeling. I was wondering, however, why the '10000 instead of numbered chapters, example: chapter one, two, etc.?
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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The chapter count is because I really haven't paid attention to chapter numbers.
My writing right now is jumping around, my memories are jumbled.
Thank you for reading.
Comment from royowen
This is a better effort than previous ones I've read, a very touching and beautifully presented story, I enjoyed the deep emotion woven into this unique rendition, well done, keep going, blessings, Roy. Spag:- St. Geoge(,) a city. 2. Revolving girls? 3: Homeless (,) 4:often (with) a shady. 5: I let go of his hand. 6 Nobel = noble.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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This is a better effort than previous ones I've read, a very touching and beautifully presented story, I enjoyed the deep emotion woven into this unique rendition, well done, keep going, blessings, Roy. Spag:- St. Geoge(,) a city. 2. Revolving girls? 3: Homeless (,) 4:often (with) a shady. 5: I let go of his hand. 6 Nobel = noble.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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I am making an effort to properly apply your advice.
Thank you.
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Well done.
