Awakening
What happens after you win?16 total reviews
Comment from christianpowers
Hi G,
First off, this was great. I really enjoyed the tone and your unapologetic marriage of both tongue-in-cheek humor and gory heartless action.
My one problem with it was the beginning. Anders' hangover went on forever in that much too long narrative. I think this story would benefit from cutting all of that. Basically, I think the story really starts here... >>> Anders made sure the autopilot was still engaged, and set off in search of breakfast. Anything liquid would do. Stumbling haphazardly down the corridor... <<<
Here are some other suggestions:
>>> The hammering in his head started soon after realism gate-crashed his moment of serenity. <<< 'realism' should be 'reality'.
>>> He would have fallen to the floor, if he was't already there.<<< missing the 'n' in 'was't'
>>> He grabbed him by the chin, thrust the weapon under his it and said, "Remember... <<< 'his it' should be fixed.
Still, despite my complaint about the long beginning narrative, this was a lot of fun to read.
Thanks for creating a great writing prompt (too bad I failed to read it thoroughly or I would have posted something that wouldn't have to be disqualified.)
And thanks for posting this, and good luck in the voting booth. It's a close call for me, between yours and one other.
Christian
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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Hi G,
First off, this was great. I really enjoyed the tone and your unapologetic marriage of both tongue-in-cheek humor and gory heartless action.
My one problem with it was the beginning. Anders' hangover went on forever in that much too long narrative. I think this story would benefit from cutting all of that. Basically, I think the story really starts here... >>> Anders made sure the autopilot was still engaged, and set off in search of breakfast. Anything liquid would do. Stumbling haphazardly down the corridor... <<<
Here are some other suggestions:
>>> The hammering in his head started soon after realism gate-crashed his moment of serenity. <<< 'realism' should be 'reality'.
>>> He would have fallen to the floor, if he was't already there.<<< missing the 'n' in 'was't'
>>> He grabbed him by the chin, thrust the weapon under his it and said, "Remember... <<< 'his it' should be fixed.
Still, despite my complaint about the long beginning narrative, this was a lot of fun to read.
Thanks for creating a great writing prompt (too bad I failed to read it thoroughly or I would have posted something that wouldn't have to be disqualified.)
And thanks for posting this, and good luck in the voting booth. It's a close call for me, between yours and one other.
Christian
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the great review of this piece. I know you are working on a longer version for the Conan story. I think when this is done, I will sponsor a proper fan fiction piece. So keep working on it.
All the best
G
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Gareth
Have you already started this space saga? And now you're thinking about continuing it? Or are you jumping right in with this contest entry?
It is interesting, and you could easily keep it going if you wanted to. I could picture the messy ship, empty bottles and garbage strewn all over the place... like a kid's messy bedroom. Then all that blood & guts when Arbor blew his own man to bits... who is going to clean that up?
Good action in his cell too. There's a lot of that going on in the world today, isn't there? Heads rolling all over the place! What a grim scene when he looks down at the guard's head propped against the door.
Good story. You should keep it going. It could be a great space novel.
A few things to look at...
"He turned to head back to the cockpit, just as the external hatch hinges blew in, he threw himself to the floor as the hatch itself came flying inwards." ...I suggest,
(He turned to head back to the cockpit just as the external hatch hinges blew in, throwing him to the floor as the hatch itself came flying inwards.) ...or something like that.
"...who had ruled with a ruthless (hand). With no strong (hand) in charge..." I suggest changing the second "hand" to something else.
"Anders came to lying on the metal floor of a small cell." ...I suggest,
(Anders came to, lying on the metal floor of a small cell.)
"There was nothing (in) else in the room."
"Anders turned quickly removed the shackles from his wrists, and noticed that the guard had fallen on the tunic they had brought for him." ...I suggest,
(Anders turned, quickly removed the shackles from his wrists, and noticed that the guard had fallen on the tunic they had brought for him.)
"Not much bloody use now." he muttered as he bent down and retrieved the gun from the writhing guard.
"Not much bloody use now," he muttered as he bent down and retrieved the gun from the writhing guard. (just the comma instead of a period)
He grabbed him by the chin, thrust the weapon under (his) it and said, "Remember, this thing works on you. Where is my ship?"
He looked at the two men and realised that neither were even close to his size, "Shit, I just can't catch a break today." He uttered before heading out of the door and turning left, still bare chested, and shivering.
He looked at the two men and realised that neither were even close to his size. "Shit, I just can't catch a break today," he uttered before heading out of the door, still bare chested and shivering.
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2015
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Hi Gareth
Have you already started this space saga? And now you're thinking about continuing it? Or are you jumping right in with this contest entry?
It is interesting, and you could easily keep it going if you wanted to. I could picture the messy ship, empty bottles and garbage strewn all over the place... like a kid's messy bedroom. Then all that blood & guts when Arbor blew his own man to bits... who is going to clean that up?
Good action in his cell too. There's a lot of that going on in the world today, isn't there? Heads rolling all over the place! What a grim scene when he looks down at the guard's head propped against the door.
Good story. You should keep it going. It could be a great space novel.
A few things to look at...
"He turned to head back to the cockpit, just as the external hatch hinges blew in, he threw himself to the floor as the hatch itself came flying inwards." ...I suggest,
(He turned to head back to the cockpit just as the external hatch hinges blew in, throwing him to the floor as the hatch itself came flying inwards.) ...or something like that.
"...who had ruled with a ruthless (hand). With no strong (hand) in charge..." I suggest changing the second "hand" to something else.
"Anders came to lying on the metal floor of a small cell." ...I suggest,
(Anders came to, lying on the metal floor of a small cell.)
"There was nothing (in) else in the room."
"Anders turned quickly removed the shackles from his wrists, and noticed that the guard had fallen on the tunic they had brought for him." ...I suggest,
(Anders turned, quickly removed the shackles from his wrists, and noticed that the guard had fallen on the tunic they had brought for him.)
"Not much bloody use now." he muttered as he bent down and retrieved the gun from the writhing guard.
"Not much bloody use now," he muttered as he bent down and retrieved the gun from the writhing guard. (just the comma instead of a period)
He grabbed him by the chin, thrust the weapon under (his) it and said, "Remember, this thing works on you. Where is my ship?"
He looked at the two men and realised that neither were even close to his size, "Shit, I just can't catch a break today." He uttered before heading out of the door and turning left, still bare chested, and shivering.
He looked at the two men and realised that neither were even close to his size. "Shit, I just can't catch a break today," he uttered before heading out of the door, still bare chested and shivering.
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 20-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for another in depth review. I love this kind of stuff. I have more of this but not sure what I am doing with it yet. It was written for something else. I am always intrigued by... But what next.
Much appreciated
Comment from humpwhistle
There's a lot to like here. I particularly like the bit about Anders' DNA making him impervious to 'local' weapons.
On the whole, though, I wonder if this could use another good edit. Several times I found myself being more aware of the writer than the write.
I made a few notes as I read. Just suggestions.
Peace, Lee
The opening seems to drawn out for pulp. Too self-conscious. I'm more conscious of the writer than I am of scene being described.
"Don't move." An order, rather than a request.--this tag is unnecessary. ( as is the next one).
he was dragged unceremoniously to his feet.--can one be dragged 'ceremoniously' to one's feet?
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2015
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There's a lot to like here. I particularly like the bit about Anders' DNA making him impervious to 'local' weapons.
On the whole, though, I wonder if this could use another good edit. Several times I found myself being more aware of the writer than the write.
I made a few notes as I read. Just suggestions.
Peace, Lee
The opening seems to drawn out for pulp. Too self-conscious. I'm more conscious of the writer than I am of scene being described.
"Don't move." An order, rather than a request.--this tag is unnecessary. ( as is the next one).
he was dragged unceremoniously to his feet.--can one be dragged 'ceremoniously' to one's feet?
Comment Written 20-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the review, Lee. I will have another read through the whole piece to see what I can do. I do struggle sometimes with where to leave it (the less is more kind of thing).
I will remove those tags and the unceremoniously - lol - I never thought about that.
Many thanks for the help. Much appreciated.
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My pleasure. I enjoyed your write, and all my suggestions need to be weighed against what others say. I get caught between the 'more is less/less is more' debate all the time.
Peace, Lee
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I know what you mean. I love to write but sometimes it gets in the way of the story!
Comment from alf collier
Hi Gareth. hi I was thinking I had missed a great deal of the story until I read that this was an entry for the contest. This is great. One small question. last line of first paragraph in the last segment . . . is shown the right word, or did you mean shone, just wasn't sure. Anyway, a terrific write, and a fabulous read, alf
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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Hi Gareth. hi I was thinking I had missed a great deal of the story until I read that this was an entry for the contest. This is great. One small question. last line of first paragraph in the last segment . . . is shown the right word, or did you mean shone, just wasn't sure. Anyway, a terrific write, and a fabulous read, alf
Comment Written 18-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the encouraging words. I always wanted to do a flash Gordon type of thing set after saving the universe - what happens to everyone! you were correct catching that error. Much appreciated
Comment from Jacob Collins
I was immediately swept into this world by your writing, giraffmang. You have created a stunning piece which I am sure will do well in the contest, I hope that you do continue with this idea in the near future. Good luck in the contest...Jacob
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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I was immediately swept into this world by your writing, giraffmang. You have created a stunning piece which I am sure will do well in the contest, I hope that you do continue with this idea in the near future. Good luck in the contest...Jacob
Comment Written 18-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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I love this kind of stuff. I am a big sci-fi geek. There is more of this kicking about as I was writing it for somewhere else! Much appreciated
Comment from amahra
Very interesting story. Very beautifully written with stunning and convincing dialogue to push the story forward. Great entry for the pulp fiction contest. Great job.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Very interesting story. Very beautifully written with stunning and convincing dialogue to push the story forward. Great entry for the pulp fiction contest. Great job.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for your encouraging words
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello giraffe,
Lots of action in this chapter.
I understand this particular piece is a contest entry. However, may I suggest:
1. A brief summary of the story at the beginning of each chapter to help a newcomer like me and
2. Why not create a novel? That way anyone who wants to can easily refer to previous chapters.
Nicely done. A vigorous read!
Hope you've been having a great week.
Sonali
He would have fallen to the floor, if he (hadn't) already (been) there
How long had (it) been?
hatch hinges blew in(.) (H)e threw himself to the floor
He felt two sets of hand(s) slip under his arms
"Piss off(,)" Anders slurred(no comma needed here) in response, through
stared at Arbor now, steely(-)eyed
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Hello giraffe,
Lots of action in this chapter.
I understand this particular piece is a contest entry. However, may I suggest:
1. A brief summary of the story at the beginning of each chapter to help a newcomer like me and
2. Why not create a novel? That way anyone who wants to can easily refer to previous chapters.
Nicely done. A vigorous read!
Hope you've been having a great week.
Sonali
He would have fallen to the floor, if he (hadn't) already (been) there
How long had (it) been?
hatch hinges blew in(.) (H)e threw himself to the floor
He felt two sets of hand(s) slip under his arms
"Piss off(,)" Anders slurred(no comma needed here) in response, through
stared at Arbor now, steely(-)eyed
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the review. There is a brief summary at the start of the page of what has happened before. That's it. This story picks up from there. Much appreciated,
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Excellent story! You have done a wonderful job of humanizing a superhuman superhero! I liked the way you gave the rules for his existence by having a gun not work on him, but a scimitar doing the trick.
Clever, real, and humorous in parts. Your hero was believable.
Can't wait to read more episodes from my favorite Pulp Fiction magazine!
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Excellent story! You have done a wonderful job of humanizing a superhuman superhero! I liked the way you gave the rules for his existence by having a gun not work on him, but a scimitar doing the trick.
Clever, real, and humorous in parts. Your hero was believable.
Can't wait to read more episodes from my favorite Pulp Fiction magazine!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Many thanks for the great and encouraging review. I wasn't going to enter but there was only your entry. Two more have picked up on it now so hopefully we will have some more.
Sci-fi is very under represented on the site which is a shame. Much appreciated
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I was glad to see the extension as it was such a fun category, and competition is exciting!
Comment from IndianaIrish
Well, am I writing to a sci-fi geek? LOL, G. You write so well in this genre and may I encourage you to write more and actually create a book around Anders? I really like him, and even his drunken self. I used to read my brother's Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon stuff, so I enjoyed this very much. I think you've brought pulp fiction to a higher leve, but still very enjoyable. Best wishes in the contest.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Well, am I writing to a sci-fi geek? LOL, G. You write so well in this genre and may I encourage you to write more and actually create a book around Anders? I really like him, and even his drunken self. I used to read my brother's Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon stuff, so I enjoyed this very much. I think you've brought pulp fiction to a higher leve, but still very enjoyable. Best wishes in the contest.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Yeah. I wanted to try to use the settings, character types and so on from that era but bring a bit up to date. The pulp elements are all there. I like this character too. (he looks like me, so that helps)
I am a sci-fi geek. I have a friend, Rypert who writes graphic novels. My image is his main character; he just shortened my hair but its me. I did all the modelling too. It was launched at San Diego Comic Con last year when he was on a panel there! He wanted me to go, in full gear but I had to work! (maybe next year).
This is my first love - sci-fi, van't get enough and sadly there is little here.
GMG
Comment from Dean Kuch
The door shuddered andslide slid sideways as two guards entered the room. The door shuddered then "slid" sideways... Past tense, "shuddered", hence, "slid", past tense of "slide" must be used.
This reminded me of those old Flash Gordon stories I used to read years ago, and Buck Rogers. Of course, it's more modernized, obviously. Still, it has that same campy quality that made those tales so widely popular.
Well done, Gareth, and good luck in the contest. I hope it's much better than mine's been lately.
~Dean
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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The door shuddered and
This reminded me of those old Flash Gordon stories I used to read years ago, and Buck Rogers. Of course, it's more modernized, obviously. Still, it has that same campy quality that made those tales so widely popular.
Well done, Gareth, and good luck in the contest. I hope it's much better than mine's been lately.
~Dean
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Many thanks, Dean. I have been suffering the same fate as you as of late in the booths! I don't have an answer to it, I am sure you don't either.
Much appreciated.
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It just runs like that, that's all I can say for sure.
Good luck, G-Man...
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You too, my fiend... friend!
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:)
