Beautiful Death
Viewing comments for Chapter 10022 "Pray my Mommy Dies"from birth I have longed for death
4 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Jesus, I knew such things happened, but I've never been privy to the real thing. I am so overwhelmed, I can't even begin to correct punctuation (it's not my strong suit anyway, but what I will do is mention you on my page - in the forum - so hopefully you'll get more reviews, and maybe a reviewer who's better than I am at punctuation).
POWERFUL writing. And before I signing off, let me express my sincere condolences.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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Jesus, I knew such things happened, but I've never been privy to the real thing. I am so overwhelmed, I can't even begin to correct punctuation (it's not my strong suit anyway, but what I will do is mention you on my page - in the forum - so hopefully you'll get more reviews, and maybe a reviewer who's better than I am at punctuation).
POWERFUL writing. And before I signing off, let me express my sincere condolences.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
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You are kind. I would like to say this is not real, but because I grew up in a messed up life and had 9 more sisters the memories and bad stories are too real and continue.
Writing gives some of them a voice even after they are free.
I am signing up for a grammar class.
Hopefully this will help.
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You and your sisters are in my prayers, and I have mentioned your story on my page - all the very best to you.
Comment from Wabigoon
CBAT--
This is profoundly powerful stuff. I think you could work on it more. There are proofreading, grammatical errors in it that lessen its bite. You should not allow that.
I think, I, the reader could, or would like to know what "polygamist group" this was and where it wields such power. I can guess Utah. I can guess you may not want to expose yourself more.
Thanks
Wabigoon
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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CBAT--
This is profoundly powerful stuff. I think you could work on it more. There are proofreading, grammatical errors in it that lessen its bite. You should not allow that.
I think, I, the reader could, or would like to know what "polygamist group" this was and where it wields such power. I can guess Utah. I can guess you may not want to expose yourself more.
Thanks
Wabigoon
Comment Written 15-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015
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You are correct. This story was written quite a long time ago. Often I feel that the bad are remembered not the innocent. I am writing a lot so do not want writings that are current to expose me.
Comment from Jay Squires
I can tell this is written under the duress of emotion. I know you are going through a lot to write this.
There are two major things you need to attend to with this story, cbat. The first is the lack of correct Paragraph spacing. This is important because it keeps readers away. No one wants to read large blocks of words without "air" between them. It's such an easy fix. You just go into edit and manually space wherever a paragraph should be.
The second problem is your tendency of switching tenses. You started it out in the past tense. But before long you switched to the present tense. Then, a little while later, it was back to the past tense.
I had to deduct a star for these SPAG. But as soon as you let me know the corrections have been made, I'll return your star. Okay?
She went down in a shopping mall immediately aborting the baby. [Paragraph spacing error in this and the next two paragraphs.]
This boys twisted sexual habits [This BOY'S ...]
A few dates later they think they are in love. [This needs to be in the past tense. Be careful to always stay in the same tense.]
Don't forget to let me know when the changes have been made.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
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I can tell this is written under the duress of emotion. I know you are going through a lot to write this.
There are two major things you need to attend to with this story, cbat. The first is the lack of correct Paragraph spacing. This is important because it keeps readers away. No one wants to read large blocks of words without "air" between them. It's such an easy fix. You just go into edit and manually space wherever a paragraph should be.
The second problem is your tendency of switching tenses. You started it out in the past tense. But before long you switched to the present tense. Then, a little while later, it was back to the past tense.
I had to deduct a star for these SPAG. But as soon as you let me know the corrections have been made, I'll return your star. Okay?
She went down in a shopping mall immediately aborting the baby. [Paragraph spacing error in this and the next two paragraphs.]
This boys twisted sexual habits [This BOY'S ...]
A few dates later they think they are in love. [This needs to be in the past tense. Be careful to always stay in the same tense.]
Don't forget to let me know when the changes have been made.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
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Thank you!
You really helped.
Comment from JM
This is the most painful piece I have read in Fanstory. You describe the horrible life of what appears to be a beautiful person, a caring mother, and a valued sister in simple yet powerful words. I do hope you are healing and that you are in a good place. If writing this opened your wounds again, perhaps it also helped you manage your emotions. Don't know but I do believe God was there with you all the time and HE still is.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
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This is the most painful piece I have read in Fanstory. You describe the horrible life of what appears to be a beautiful person, a caring mother, and a valued sister in simple yet powerful words. I do hope you are healing and that you are in a good place. If writing this opened your wounds again, perhaps it also helped you manage your emotions. Don't know but I do believe God was there with you all the time and HE still is.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
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Thank you for such encouraging words.
