Comment from lunafay

Excellent

Thank you for using my artwork in your writing. You definitely have a talent. You were very descriptive and I could feel what it was like being at that funeral. There are so many mixed feelings at funerals and they are very difficult. It is an honor to be part of your work. Excellent read. I can't wait to read more.

 Comment Written 07-May-2015

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reply by the author on 07-May-2015

Thank you!

I searched for the right art and yours was the best.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

It looks like an interesting epitaph for a beloved sister who manufactured an illness just curry sympathy for herself. This seems unlikely, maybe she just got sick and died! The epitaph sounds a little confused, as to what the sister's assets and obvious liabilities in life were. A reasonable work, it was pretty vague in places, probably needs a bit of work, well done, blessings, Roy. Spag:-huge(,) bloated. Dressed in floatly ? Black, =flat black?

 Comment Written 15-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015

Thank you for the reply.
As unlikely as the story sounds it is not manufactured.
Because of my inept writing perhaps you see it as such.
All-so she died actually because of her drinking. The illness she pretended was Cancer.
She suffered through a life of rape and violence. She was brave, she did many wonderful things.
We grew up in a cult.

reply by royowen on 15-Mar-2015

You're writing's not inept, I'd hate to think my review discouraged you, if you'd described those things in the story it would have really lifted it, keep trying, if you have the desire to write, it will come, I sincerely wish you well my friend, blessings, Roy.

Comment from lancellot

Good

A very interesting tale, about a life gone and how someone else who wasn't her viewed that life from afar.

notes

"Don't look at her they whisper, it's not really her- she is not there."
-space-
I don't want to be here.

I am surrounded (with)[by] vast crowds of strange creatures,
- I would change this.

Others are huge bloated and smelly (these)[things,] looking as though they may burst.

So many familiar faces in uncomfortable bodies(?,)[.]

- change

I see small children with twisted crying faces[.] {Do} they know

- change

I drag my feet, taking as long as I can, interruption(')s are welcome.

-delete

Do they know some of us feel envy?(.)
-delete

 Comment Written 15-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 15-Mar-2015

Thank you for your interest.
I am taking another class on grammar. I am struggling to improve.
You talked about me viewing the girl in the story from afar .
This my little sister. We reacted through our life constantly, I held her hand and experienced her life with her until it ended.

Comment from Cass Carlton

Excellent

I want to congratulate you on having courage to write this and to finally present to the world. Yes, you do have a few typos, but just go through and fix them all and don't change anything else. Let this stand on it own. Your vision of the people at the funeral being appearing gross and distorted is heart rending, there was no-one there to offer you comfort in your loss, but you express a note of hope and forgiveness towards the end. Your language is clear and simple , your imagery of the hummingbird flitting in and out of her own life and the lives of others is quite beautiful Well done Cheers Cass

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015

Thank you for reading this, you give me courage.

Comment from Jackreese

Excellent

Sounds like she had a hard life. The words you described painted a pretty good picture of before and after, allowing the reader too see the story through their own eyes.

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015

Thank you for your encouragment