Comment from Joan E.

Excellent

Thanks for reminding me why I don't shop at malls! The Paradelle, another form new to me, was a good choice because it mimics the action and builds to a climax. I liked your "butterfly" simile and rhymes too. Cheers- Joan

 Comment Written 28-Jan-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015

Thank you Joan. Being the intrepid traveler i thought you'd love a mall.

reply by Joan E. on 29-Jan-2015

Too claustrophobic! LOL- Joan

Comment from ravenblack

Excellent

I'm sorry Treischel, but I despise malls so much that your song or Pradelle made me cringe. It is well-written, but shopping all day up and down like a butterfly? Ack! Where is my cocoon? Again, I did enjoy the poem. Just , well, you know.

 Comment Written 28-Jan-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015

Thanks ravenblack. Yes, i know.

Comment from rod007

Excellent

I liked this as the image of the exhaustion of locomotion overwhelmed me with the repetition and that's what I felt when I use to go shopping with my ex-wife and kids in the mall. Thankfully I don't do that anymore and I don't think my tired old legs could keep up with the pace, Gov. Well done, Tom.

 Comment Written 27-Jan-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015

Thank you rod, me neither.

Comment from mrsmajor

Exceptional

Hi,

I enjoyed this poem, I remember a few years back, Alvin had a contest using this form...I wrote a piece for it, but was disappointed with the way it came out, so didn't enter...Alvin reviewed it and scolded me for not entering the contest...Its not a very well used form, and yes at first I didn't like it, but it does take a bit of thinking...this is very well written, and your thoughts were something we could identify with....Yep, I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing...Six stars for the form, because you allowed us to follow you through the stores, using the escalators..
Hugs,
Victoria

 Comment Written 27-Jan-2015

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reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015

Thank you very much Victoria. I am amazed at the six star rating. I didn't thing anyone would like it.

reply by mrsmajor on 27-Jan-2015

You're very welcome, I know how hard it is to write one of those...I did it once, and I have to say Alvin, thought it was good...I had to give you the 6 stars, because of the form and the way you handled it...the storyline was also something that all of us could identify with...yep, it was a 6 star poem...if only for me...

Comment from Green Lake Girl

Excellent

Thanks for introducing your readers to the Paradelle. You're right--I had to read it a couple of times. Seems a bit sing-songy, but it's light and rhythmic. You did a good job with the format. I somehow don't think you could really shop all day, Tom! :D

 Comment Written 27-Jan-2015

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reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015

Thank you. Actually i like to shop.

Comment from Shirley E Kennedy

Exceptional

I agree. This style , at first, seems too repetitive and boring.
I can see the complexity of the structure in planning and executing the style.
However, the benefit of this pays off in stanza six when it all comes together and makes sense.
Whilst the subject didn't appeal to me, I feel you have captured that subject well in word and image.
Thank you for presenting varied styles so others may learn new techniques
and styles.
:-) Shirley

 Comment Written 27-Jan-2015

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reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015

Thank you Shirley. Wow, i didn't expect a six..

Comment from mshirachot

Excellent

First time I have seen this poetic format. Cool! That would be challenging. However, you make it look easy. I well remember the first time I went to the Mall of America. I had a trade show across the street from it on Monday. I walked ALL DAY LONG all the way around every floor. I could barely stand up the next day at the trade show. But, what fun!

Thanks for sharing this lovely poem which evoked a wealth of memories from that era of traveling with my gypsy caravan of trade show pals.

Blessings,
Marsha

 Comment Written 27-Jan-2015

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reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015

Thank you Marsha. Glag you had some nice memories from it.

Comment from emrpoems

Excellent

you may have fulfilled all the requirements of the form but I was not impressed with the repeated lines..
I totally admire your ability t o write the Dizain

 Comment Written 27-Jan-2015

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reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015

Thank you Erica, yup, not my favorite format either.