Relief Pitcher
Who did you play baseball with when you were kids?32 total reviews
Comment from SimplyK
I enjoyed this as a memoir piece, the emotions invoked. I appreciated the wry humour at the end. The magic was in the section about pitching, that discovery of confidence, and then being taken down.
These were strong images, well expressed 'Fireworks exploded over Royals Stadium (boom!) as Bret's teammates rushed the field and piled atop him.' 'When a captain picked me out of pity, I cringed in right field. I prayed no boy would hit a ball in my direction.'
The dialogue added to understanding, rather than being monotonous and confusing. And thank you for not using 'said' even 'better words than said...' You were inventive in how you put dialogue across. I enjoyed that.
There was enough back story to inform without getting in the way of the pace of the piece. I liked the short interjections. You've probably gathered I'm not someone who enjoys flowery style!
I'm sorry but I have to now offer some critique, take it or leave it; this is me as a reader, I cannot be else.
I found that some of the sentence construction was a bit off, slightly confusing, particularly in the beginning section.
example:
'As a kid I wore to Cantara Street Elementary an Angels little league baseball uniform purchased from the discount rack at Goodwill even though I never played little league.' Wandery and confusing (to me) Try a comma after Elementary, and after Goodwill as a subjunctive clause and give your reader a chance to breathe?
I found a great disproportionate number of sentences with a noun verb/pronoun verb or article/noun verb construction. (something I was critiqued for myself and pretty common) I believe you have the diversity to expand beyond this. Bret, or Bret's were over used as starters (for me). This example:
Bret's pace slacked as his gangly body loped along Lorne Street past the tetherball courts. Could have been, Loping along Lorne Street, past the tetherball court Brett's gangly body slowed pace (or 10 other combinations) . Likewise, a lot of sentences beginning I...
I think this was the 4th in a row 'I outgrew my Angels little league baseball uniform and consigned it to the Goodwill clothing donation bin from whence it came.'
That little league baseball uniform is now consigned to Goodwill from whence it came, but I still recall...
My little league uniform has long been re-consigned to...
Outgrowing my Angles uniform, it returned to the Goodwill basket from whence it came, but I'll never outgrow the memories of that season' (sorry couldn't resist adding that last bit, naughty of me I know!) All blessings K
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
   |
I enjoyed this as a memoir piece, the emotions invoked. I appreciated the wry humour at the end. The magic was in the section about pitching, that discovery of confidence, and then being taken down.
These were strong images, well expressed 'Fireworks exploded over Royals Stadium (boom!) as Bret's teammates rushed the field and piled atop him.' 'When a captain picked me out of pity, I cringed in right field. I prayed no boy would hit a ball in my direction.'
The dialogue added to understanding, rather than being monotonous and confusing. And thank you for not using 'said' even 'better words than said...' You were inventive in how you put dialogue across. I enjoyed that.
There was enough back story to inform without getting in the way of the pace of the piece. I liked the short interjections. You've probably gathered I'm not someone who enjoys flowery style!
I'm sorry but I have to now offer some critique, take it or leave it; this is me as a reader, I cannot be else.
I found that some of the sentence construction was a bit off, slightly confusing, particularly in the beginning section.
example:
'As a kid I wore to Cantara Street Elementary an Angels little league baseball uniform purchased from the discount rack at Goodwill even though I never played little league.' Wandery and confusing (to me) Try a comma after Elementary, and after Goodwill as a subjunctive clause and give your reader a chance to breathe?
I found a great disproportionate number of sentences with a noun verb/pronoun verb or article/noun verb construction. (something I was critiqued for myself and pretty common) I believe you have the diversity to expand beyond this. Bret, or Bret's were over used as starters (for me). This example:
Bret's pace slacked as his gangly body loped along Lorne Street past the tetherball courts. Could have been, Loping along Lorne Street, past the tetherball court Brett's gangly body slowed pace (or 10 other combinations) . Likewise, a lot of sentences beginning I...
I think this was the 4th in a row 'I outgrew my Angels little league baseball uniform and consigned it to the Goodwill clothing donation bin from whence it came.'
That little league baseball uniform is now consigned to Goodwill from whence it came, but I still recall...
My little league uniform has long been re-consigned to...
Outgrowing my Angles uniform, it returned to the Goodwill basket from whence it came, but I'll never outgrow the memories of that season' (sorry couldn't resist adding that last bit, naughty of me I know!) All blessings K
Comment Written 02-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
-
Thank you, SimplyK, for your kind and detailed review, which will probably be the last review this story will receive before the certificate ends at midnight. I will use the suggestions that will improve my performance tomorrow night at the Moth StorySlam. If my name is selected out of the hat, I will recite the beginning and end parts of my story from memory before an audience of 400. I hoped for a critical review of my "script" before the certificate expired as I am now deep in rehearsals and rewrites to get the story under six minutes. Your review was just what I needed. Now I return to rehearsals and revisions. Thanks.
-
good luck with the revisions and performance. What an amazing experience, a story slam, I'm going to think about how we could use that at school :) xx
-
You should give story slams a try. Attend some. They are a lot of fun. People young and old love them.
Comment from david28
A slow moving but great tale. Instead of showing the clichéd underdog story we get an inspirational tale of the best player pushing himself to be even better and succeeded showing us that no matter how good we are or think we are we can be better. However the first paragraph needs more punctuation as the sentences are very long. Also the comparison between Bret and the narrator in the second paragraph could be condensed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
|
A slow moving but great tale. Instead of showing the clichéd underdog story we get an inspirational tale of the best player pushing himself to be even better and succeeded showing us that no matter how good we are or think we are we can be better. However the first paragraph needs more punctuation as the sentences are very long. Also the comparison between Bret and the narrator in the second paragraph could be condensed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
-
Thank you, David, for your kind review and recommendations which I may take into consideration when I condense the story for tomorrow's performance.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent poem. Is it true you played baseball when you where a kid with Bret Saberhagen? This story was enjoyable to read.
I stared at the T.V. "That's . . . Bret Saberhagen. I use to play baseball with him!"
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
|
Excellent poem. Is it true you played baseball when you where a kid with Bret Saberhagen? This story was enjoyable to read.
I stared at the T.V. "That's . . . Bret Saberhagen. I use to play baseball with him!"
Comment Written 01-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
-
Yes, I used to play baseball with Bret at Cantara Street Elementary. After I graduated and moved away in 1976, I next saw Bret on TV pitching the 1985 World Series. Thanks for your review.
-
thank you!
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of reading your wonderful little story that I thoroughly enjoyed. I also enjoyed your You Tube video that, to me, gives a the perfect example that not all of can be great baseball players, but there are plenty of other things we can do as well or better than the athletes. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
|
Thanks for the pleasure of reading your wonderful little story that I thoroughly enjoyed. I also enjoyed your You Tube video that, to me, gives a the perfect example that not all of can be great baseball players, but there are plenty of other things we can do as well or better than the athletes. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 31-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
-
Thank you, Ric, for your kind review. Yes, not all of us can be Bret Saberhagen, but I can tell one hell of a story. Thanks for reviewing my work and video.
-
Thank you, Ric, for your kind review. Yes, not all of us can be Bret Saberhagen, but I can tell one hell of a story. Thanks for reviewing my work and video.
Comment from Lucille Bellucci
Andre does not appear to feel sorry for himself, and I can visualize the manner in which you narrate his/your story--evenly, understated when dwelling on Andre's shortcomings--and droll when recounting how you managed the no-hitter. You have achieved something on your own, however, if you have the skill and talent to tell a good story.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
|
Andre does not appear to feel sorry for himself, and I can visualize the manner in which you narrate his/your story--evenly, understated when dwelling on Andre's shortcomings--and droll when recounting how you managed the no-hitter. You have achieved something on your own, however, if you have the skill and talent to tell a good story.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
-
Thanks, Lucille, for your review. Yes, not all of us can be Bret Saberhagen, but I can tell one hell of a story. Thanks for your review.
-
Thanks, Lucille, for your review. Yes, not all of us can be Bret Saberhagen, but I can tell one hell of a story. Thanks for your review.
-
Most welcome! I am a storyteller too, and make hay with that trait as annual hostess for the California Writers Club.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I know nothing about baseball, but I do recognize a well-written piece when I see it and found it quite
interesting.
It seems Bret was the hero of the day, but you were good
at dodge ball - and your sense of humour shone through.
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
|
I know nothing about baseball, but I do recognize a well-written piece when I see it and found it quite
interesting.
It seems Bret was the hero of the day, but you were good
at dodge ball - and your sense of humour shone through.
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret
Comment Written 31-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
-
Thank you, Margaret. It is always an honor for me to receive a glowing review from a writer as esteemed as yourself. I wrote "Relief Pitcher" for me to recite before audiences at storytelling events. I am thrilled my story works on the page. Thanks for your contest well wishes.
-
Thank you, Margaret. It is always an honor for me to receive a glowing review from a writer as esteemed as yourself. I wrote "Relief Pitcher" for me to recite before audiences at storytelling events. I am thrilled my story works on the page. Thanks for your contest well wishes.
Comment from Ben Colder
If I had a six it would be yours. i should have kept one for you. Good job. Yes Bret was an outstanding ball player. Well done. Glad you shared a good childhood memory.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
|
If I had a six it would be yours. i should have kept one for you. Good job. Yes Bret was an outstanding ball player. Well done. Glad you shared a good childhood memory.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
-
Thank you, Ben, for your kind review. Only in retrospect do I understand and appreciate how good an athlete Bret was as a kid
Comment from Cat of Letters
Hi Andre,
A baseball story I actually enjoyed! I was every bit as lousy at baseball as you were. I absolutely HATED it when we had to play it in gym class. I wasn't too keen on any team sports but I hated baseball worst of all.
I couldn't catch anything, and I never managed to hit anything apart from one foul ball. I was also the last chosen, with reluctance, by whoever was made captain.
You story bring back horrible memories. Lol!
A well told story. I like the details of the uniform from the Good Will Store and the revelation later about Bret being famous.
I got a chuckle about your abilities at dodge ball.
Good luck in the contest.
Alison
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
|
Hi Andre,
A baseball story I actually enjoyed! I was every bit as lousy at baseball as you were. I absolutely HATED it when we had to play it in gym class. I wasn't too keen on any team sports but I hated baseball worst of all.
I couldn't catch anything, and I never managed to hit anything apart from one foul ball. I was also the last chosen, with reluctance, by whoever was made captain.
You story bring back horrible memories. Lol!
A well told story. I like the details of the uniform from the Good Will Store and the revelation later about Bret being famous.
I got a chuckle about your abilities at dodge ball.
Good luck in the contest.
Alison
Comment Written 30-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
-
Hey, Alison, thank you for your kind review. Yes, my story brings back a lot of horrible memories to every bench sitter, ball dropper, last picked ex-baseball fan. I was good at dodge ball. I am glad you got a chuckle. Thanks for the contest well wishes.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Well written and enjoyable to read.
-I liked the story so much I did not pay attention to who was on the baseball card collage in the photo!
-I enjoyed the piece as a young boy who was never selected for a team, but he had this "magical uniform."
-I got the feeling this boy was so proud of his uniform; it made him feel he fit in, and was one of the guys.
-I admire his courage for never giving up and even more so when the teacher selected him as captain.
-What an outcome--I guess we never know who we will all be when so young.
-I wonder if you have ever thought about telling him about the story?
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
|
-Well written and enjoyable to read.
-I liked the story so much I did not pay attention to who was on the baseball card collage in the photo!
-I enjoyed the piece as a young boy who was never selected for a team, but he had this "magical uniform."
-I got the feeling this boy was so proud of his uniform; it made him feel he fit in, and was one of the guys.
-I admire his courage for never giving up and even more so when the teacher selected him as captain.
-What an outcome--I guess we never know who we will all be when so young.
-I wonder if you have ever thought about telling him about the story?
Comment Written 30-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
-
Yes, I was the boy who believed in a magic uniform. I would be too embarrassed to tell Bret my story today. He probably would say, "Oh, yeah, I remember you. You were the kid who wore a little league uniform to school and thought you could play. How about a look at my World Series ring?"
Honestly, Bret is a sweet person and a lot of kids played with him from grammar school until he was drafted right out of high school. My story is unusual because of the stunt I pulled with the uniform. I honestly thought I was doing a great job pitching because no kid could hit anything I threw at him. Bret showed me what a real athlete and leader is. I stepped down as team captain and let Bret pursue his path to destiny. Thanks for the review.
-
You are welcome for the review. Maybe Bret would find your story endearing.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Sis Cat,
I played Cricket, not baseball, but played it just as badly, so I got a good smile as I followed your career here. A nice little biographic story. Like you I played with some future 'Test' Cricketers, but wouldn't have known it at the time.
Patrick
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
|
Hi Sis Cat,
I played Cricket, not baseball, but played it just as badly, so I got a good smile as I followed your career here. A nice little biographic story. Like you I played with some future 'Test' Cricketers, but wouldn't have known it at the time.
Patrick
Comment Written 30-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
-
Thank you, Patrick, for your kind review. You are right. Neither I nor anyone knew who Bret would become. I witnessed he was an extraordinary athlete in grammar school. I am glad my story made you smile.
