Wild Animals
Two trapped teens, caged and uncaged30 total reviews
Comment from Winslow
Dear Sis-Cat,
This is an interesting non-fiction story about a boy who started out well but became a homeless man. Vivid descriptions and character description make this a compelling read.
Good luck in the contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2015
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Dear Sis-Cat,
This is an interesting non-fiction story about a boy who started out well but became a homeless man. Vivid descriptions and character description make this a compelling read.
Good luck in the contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 25-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2015
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Winslow, thank you for your review and contest well wishes. I am glad you found the story compelling reading.
Comment from david28
The story is well structured with Al seeming a likable but curious character at first then comes the night and the BB gun. The story is also very realistic. However I think the narrator's character could be fleshed out more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2015
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The story is well structured with Al seeming a likable but curious character at first then comes the night and the BB gun. The story is also very realistic. However I think the narrator's character could be fleshed out more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2015
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Thank you for your review. I will take another look at it.
Comment from Messner
"Wild Animals" Believable haunting tale of lost lust. Al feels like sexual dynamite to Andre. She staunchly resists his affection but the sexual feelings are there. Her heart, her feelings fade, like the lizard tortured and left to dry. Well done, Thank you
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2015
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"Wild Animals" Believable haunting tale of lost lust. Al feels like sexual dynamite to Andre. She staunchly resists his affection but the sexual feelings are there. Her heart, her feelings fade, like the lizard tortured and left to dry. Well done, Thank you
Comment Written 25-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Messner, for your beautiful review which focused on the symbol of "the lizard tortured and left to dry."
Comment from Helena Frances
A sad but realistic story. Some kids can't seem to catch a break, for reasons beyond
understanding.
You portrayed the youthful concern for, but inability to change, life for others.
Good writing:)
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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A sad but realistic story. Some kids can't seem to catch a break, for reasons beyond
understanding.
You portrayed the youthful concern for, but inability to change, life for others.
Good writing:)
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Helena, for your kind review of a true story. Decades later I wonder how this happened to Al, who is likely dead by now. My poem is my memorial to him. Thanks for the review.
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Thank you, Helena, for your kind review of a true story. Decades later I wonder how this happened to Al, who is likely dead by now. My poem is my memorial to him. Thanks for the review.
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Thank you, Helena, for your kind review of a true story. Decades later I wonder how this happened to Al, who is likely dead by now. My poem is my memorial to him. Thanks for the review.
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Thank you, Helena, for your kind review of a true story. Decades later I wonder how this happened to Al, who is likely dead by now. My poem is my memorial to him. Thanks for the review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This was a great write bar a couple of slips in tense. The world is full of 'forgotten' kids by their own families - I have looked after a lot of them in various places.
A sad tale, well told.
GMG
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Hi there,
This was a great write bar a couple of slips in tense. The world is full of 'forgotten' kids by their own families - I have looked after a lot of them in various places.
A sad tale, well told.
GMG
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thank you, giraffmang, for your kind review of a sad, but true story of 'forgotten' kinds. I have glad you have looked after a lot of them in various places. Would you mind pointing out where I slipped in tense so I could correct them? Thanks.
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Rock world came on, and Al ran with the pack, I wanted to..,
I think that was it.
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Thanks, I will correct them.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
This is a wonderful story and works well with the prompt. It is haunting, and unfortunately, reflective of reality.
It's sad that there are the Als of this world, and it's easy to sympathize with them, unfortunately, many are in that spot because of their own poor choices. You and your family gave him a chance, but he trapped himself in his destiny.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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This is a wonderful story and works well with the prompt. It is haunting, and unfortunately, reflective of reality.
It's sad that there are the Als of this world, and it's easy to sympathize with them, unfortunately, many are in that spot because of their own poor choices. You and your family gave him a chance, but he trapped himself in his destiny.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thank you, davisr, for your kind review of a haunting but true story. My family and I gave Al a chance to change his destiny, but he blew it. Nevertheless, I wonder to this day if there was anything I could have done.
Comment from kriver
Hi Cat,
This an interesting write.
Good dialogue and
a smooth flow of words.
Too bad you couldn't have taken that gun away from them and shot them with so they'd understand what it felt like to be
so treated cruelly.
Over all I think it was a good write.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Hi Cat,
This an interesting write.
Good dialogue and
a smooth flow of words.
Too bad you couldn't have taken that gun away from them and shot them with so they'd understand what it felt like to be
so treated cruelly.
Over all I think it was a good write.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thank you, kriver, for your riveting review. The boys' cruelty towards animals came back to haunt them. Al ended up homeless and is likely dead. Marc later killed his baby Brandon who fell out of a car while Marc and he drove drunk. Marc drank some more after his brother's death. Felix was later imprisoned for molesting a girl. The State of California committed him to a State mental hospital for treatment and to protect other girls on the street. So, yes, kriver, the boys shot themselves with their own gun. They did not see the bullets coming or know that they had pulled the trigger to obliterate themselves.
Comment from Jay Squires
Quite an entertaining story, Sis Cat. Well told, tender.
I found some things to consider:
I am three years older than them [One of those delicate things, but I need to tell you GRAMMATICALLY it is "...three years older than THEY..." which would be all wrong here, using the vernacular as you are. So no foul!]
so we wait thirty minutes until "Rock Concert" came on at one-thirty. [Present tense: "Rock Concert" COMES on at one-thirty.]
He found a new gang of friends and ran with them. [He FINDS a new gang >> you still need to keep it in the present tense. I'm curious, you have such a natural tendency to go into the past tense anyway, why don't you write in that tense. It's more popular.]
Al ran with the pack. I wanted to flee with him, but remained behind the screen. [Another past tense stray.]
I realize now that the first part of this was from a sort of diary and you kept the present tense immediacy of it for that part.
Have you considered dividing the first part into diary entries? Then when you purposely switch to the past tense toward the end there will be the needed distancing.
Good job.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
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Quite an entertaining story, Sis Cat. Well told, tender.
I found some things to consider:
I am three years older than them [One of those delicate things, but I need to tell you GRAMMATICALLY it is "...three years older than THEY..." which would be all wrong here, using the vernacular as you are. So no foul!]
so we wait thirty minutes until "Rock Concert" came on at one-thirty. [Present tense: "Rock Concert" COMES on at one-thirty.]
He found a new gang of friends and ran with them. [He FINDS a new gang >> you still need to keep it in the present tense. I'm curious, you have such a natural tendency to go into the past tense anyway, why don't you write in that tense. It's more popular.]
Al ran with the pack. I wanted to flee with him, but remained behind the screen. [Another past tense stray.]
I realize now that the first part of this was from a sort of diary and you kept the present tense immediacy of it for that part.
Have you considered dividing the first part into diary entries? Then when you purposely switch to the past tense toward the end there will be the needed distancing.
Good job.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Jay, for your kind, detailed review. I am glad you found my story entertaining and well told. I have incorporated the tense changes recommended. You are correct. The first part was inspired by actual diary entries--I still have my diaries from 35 year ago--but I decided to push them into a narrative present tense because my perspective as a 14 year old was too limited for the story I had in mind to tell as an adult of 50. I wanted the reader to feel the immediacy of what the 14-20 year old Andre was experiencing, so I left that in the present tense. In the final section which occurs in the present, I write about Al in the past.
Thank you for your detailed review. It helped me shape my story to the point where I submitted it yesterday to a literary journal.
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Good for you, Andre! I truly hope they gobble it up!
Comment from Nosha17
Sad how some people don't fit in or are unloved so they have to resort to the streets for a sense of belonging. Well narrated story, I was a bit perplexed by the lizard episode in the story, perhaps I didn't understand the significance but I felt it was a bit superfluous. Your characters were well drawn and descriptions were good. You wrote the story mostly in the present tense, so there were one or two spots you reverted to past, one I remember was Para 5, line 4, Comes on at one-thirty. Good luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Sad how some people don't fit in or are unloved so they have to resort to the streets for a sense of belonging. Well narrated story, I was a bit perplexed by the lizard episode in the story, perhaps I didn't understand the significance but I felt it was a bit superfluous. Your characters were well drawn and descriptions were good. You wrote the story mostly in the present tense, so there were one or two spots you reverted to past, one I remember was Para 5, line 4, Comes on at one-thirty. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Faye, for your kind review. The lizard killing incident happened. It represents many things. A former Sunday school boy killing animals and trying to excuse his behavior by putting a cross on the burial mound. I also see the dead lizard as an omen for Al later living and dying on the streets like a wild animal. Studies have shown that children who torture animals have a higher rate of growing up to become abusers, homeless, or alcoholic. While I omitted the where-are-they-now follow up to Al's friends Marc and Felix, both boys met sad ends. Marc later grew up to kill his brother in a drunk driving accident and the State of California committed Felix to a mental hospital for child molestation. Yes, the lizard and the story is perplexing. I often ask myself if there is anything I could have done to save Al from destroying himself like he destroyed that lizard. I am resigned to the answer that I could not save him if he did not want to be saved.
I will correct the tense changes. Thanks.
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You're welcome, thank you for the explanation. I guess, such things as animal cruelty are to me so abhorrent I don't like reading about them because it makes me shudder. What a terrible ending, for young souls to be lost to such awful circumstances. Faye
Comment from fimarie78
I really enjoyed reading this. Isn't it amazing how some people from our childhood stay with us and we wonder how life turned out for them. Poor Al. You tell the story very well. Oral storytelling must really help, as you are used to reading your work aloud. If you wrote a fiction piece about Al's story. Tat could be really interesting also. best wishes Fiona
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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I really enjoyed reading this. Isn't it amazing how some people from our childhood stay with us and we wonder how life turned out for them. Poor Al. You tell the story very well. Oral storytelling must really help, as you are used to reading your work aloud. If you wrote a fiction piece about Al's story. Tat could be really interesting also. best wishes Fiona
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Fiona< for your kind review. I am amazed how two boys who grew up together can take different paths.
Oral storytelling shaped this story which I preformed from memory before audiences on several occasion. I wanted to push the story further than a five minute open mic performance could allow. I revised my script into a non-fiction story I love so much, I will never perform the story on stage again. But if I publish it, I may read it. thanks for the review.
