Poisoned Parasol
I thought I'd gotten away with it...126 total reviews
Comment from Rasmine
Dean,
Good poem. Love the rhyming and beat. To me, rhyme makes the beat. The middle is the best part.
How are you faring on your own? Do you miss us? :P
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2018
  |
Dean,
Good poem. Love the rhyming and beat. To me, rhyme makes the beat. The middle is the best part.
How are you faring on your own? Do you miss us? :P
Comment Written 08-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2018
-
I miss my friends but I certainly don't miss this site.
Not in the slightest.
Than ks again.
~Dean
-
Why not? Let me guess, the Christian extremists? :P I can only imagine.
Have a great weekend, Dean. :)
Comment from Janet Foor
Thanks for encouraging the read in the Classic Form. I'm struggling with the new format.
Delightfully ghoulish as always Dean. Passion and poison with a parasol in a dream. Wonderful aabb rhyme and internal rhyme; great alliteration throughout. I enjoyed reading your work as always.
Blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
|
Thanks for encouraging the read in the Classic Form. I'm struggling with the new format.
Delightfully ghoulish as always Dean. Passion and poison with a parasol in a dream. Wonderful aabb rhyme and internal rhyme; great alliteration throughout. I enjoyed reading your work as always.
Blessings
Janet
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
-
Thanks, Janet. I'm so happy that you do! As always, I sincerely appreciate your reviews and comments. ~Dean :)
Comment from Ridley Williams
Hi Dean,
This one brings to mind the thought, "the fury of a women scorned"...
"He thought his effort was so shrewd
but her return proved he was scr...."well, in a lot of trouble, anyway, lol...and never refer to your ex as ancient!
This is a entertaining read; great setting and mood development, it reads smoothly and is filled with solid rhymes and nice enjambments.
"Be sure your sins will find you out..." and that's not just whistling Dixie, lol.
Great job with this one, my friend, Happy Holidays, Bill
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
|
Hi Dean,
This one brings to mind the thought, "the fury of a women scorned"...
"He thought his effort was so shrewd
but her return proved he was scr...."well, in a lot of trouble, anyway, lol...and never refer to your ex as ancient!
This is a entertaining read; great setting and mood development, it reads smoothly and is filled with solid rhymes and nice enjambments.
"Be sure your sins will find you out..." and that's not just whistling Dixie, lol.
Great job with this one, my friend, Happy Holidays, Bill
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
-
You're right about that, Bill, they will always find you out.
Thanks for the review, and happy holidays and a very merry Christmas to you & your lovely family as well, my friend. :}
Comment from playinaround
I love the feeling of 'passion' in this poem. It was exciting to read and the outcome, unexpected. Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem. I loved the pictures and overall presentation!
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
 |
I love the feeling of 'passion' in this poem. It was exciting to read and the outcome, unexpected. Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem. I loved the pictures and overall presentation!
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
-
Thank you very much, my friend. I appreciate you taking the time to critique my work, and I'm very grateful for your exceptional rating. :}
~Dean
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi DeanO
I enjoyed your poem. And I agree, the "new improved format" is frustrating! I did as you advised, and used Classic Fanstory before reviewing.
"She stood above me, towering tall,
whilst twirling her parasol."... (this line seems to be missing a syllable. What do you think of,
(She stood above me, towering tall,
whilst twirling her silk parasol.) ???
One too many syllables in this line,
"reeling, kneeling, my head was swirling," maybe omit "my"?
"She slithered slow to where I lay;" ...a suggestion,
(She slithered low to where I lay;)
"chthonian spirits make their demands," ... what is "chthonian"? Is that a spelling mistake? Be careful with the syllable count, seems like too many.
"Far too late to ask forgiveness,
she'd come now for ghastly business." ... meter again. What do you think of,
(It's much to late to show regret,
and plain to tell she is upset.)
This verse needs some work too, I think. I like the content, don't get me wrong. It's just the meter is off for smooth reading.
"Twenty years my elder, the gal was rich.
I'd sought, by treachery, to off the bitch;
slipped almond toxins in her tea,
so all of her money would come to me."
How about,
(An older gal, and very rich,
Good riddance to this stylish bitch.
Slipped almond toxins in her tea,
so all her money came to me.) ??? ...or something like that. You see what I mean.
One more line,
"hatred opens the pits of Hell..."
How about,
(she's grit her teeth on gates of Hell)
and for the last line, I don't see her saying
"S-s-s-stay, s-s-s-sweet"
I suggest,
("Come here", she hissed, and in I fell.)
*****************************************************
I apologize for playing with your lines so much, Dean. But I just feel the meter is off in many lines. I have to still offer you five stars though, because the story is so vivid. You create terrifying images. And you tell a tale of murder and vengeance, straight from the grave. Awesome!
I especially liked the alliteration of,
"slipped almond toxins in her tea"... that's a smooth line!
A great story poem, Dean. Thanks for sharing it.
your fan,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
|
Hi DeanO
I enjoyed your poem. And I agree, the "new improved format" is frustrating! I did as you advised, and used Classic Fanstory before reviewing.
"She stood above me, towering tall,
whilst twirling her parasol."... (this line seems to be missing a syllable. What do you think of,
(She stood above me, towering tall,
whilst twirling her silk parasol.) ???
One too many syllables in this line,
"reeling, kneeling, my head was swirling," maybe omit "my"?
"She slithered slow to where I lay;" ...a suggestion,
(She slithered low to where I lay;)
"chthonian spirits make their demands," ... what is "chthonian"? Is that a spelling mistake? Be careful with the syllable count, seems like too many.
"Far too late to ask forgiveness,
she'd come now for ghastly business." ... meter again. What do you think of,
(It's much to late to show regret,
and plain to tell she is upset.)
This verse needs some work too, I think. I like the content, don't get me wrong. It's just the meter is off for smooth reading.
"Twenty years my elder, the gal was rich.
I'd sought, by treachery, to off the bitch;
slipped almond toxins in her tea,
so all of her money would come to me."
How about,
(An older gal, and very rich,
Good riddance to this stylish bitch.
Slipped almond toxins in her tea,
so all her money came to me.) ??? ...or something like that. You see what I mean.
One more line,
"hatred opens the pits of Hell..."
How about,
(she's grit her teeth on gates of Hell)
and for the last line, I don't see her saying
"S-s-s-stay, s-s-s-sweet"
I suggest,
("Come here", she hissed, and in I fell.)
*****************************************************
I apologize for playing with your lines so much, Dean. But I just feel the meter is off in many lines. I have to still offer you five stars though, because the story is so vivid. You create terrifying images. And you tell a tale of murder and vengeance, straight from the grave. Awesome!
I especially liked the alliteration of,
"slipped almond toxins in her tea"... that's a smooth line!
A great story poem, Dean. Thanks for sharing it.
your fan,
Kimbob
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
-
Thanks for you review and, as always, in depth assessment and feedback, Kimbob. It is always deeply appreciated.
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
'Poisoned Parasol' is an exceptionally well-written and hair-raising piece. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. His artwork is truly awesome.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
|
'Poisoned Parasol' is an exceptionally well-written and hair-raising piece. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. His artwork is truly awesome.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
-
Thank you very much, my friend. I appreciate you taking the time to critique my work, and I'm very grateful for your exceptional rating. :}
~Dean
~Dean, you're very welcome my friend. I enjoy reading your work.
Best wishes, the Duchess
Comment from CR Delport
Dean, as always, this is more than just beautiful written poetry. It is a work of art. I must admit, that put a chill down my spine :) Great job.
Have an awesome day.
Christelle.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
|
Dean, as always, this is more than just beautiful written poetry. It is a work of art. I must admit, that put a chill down my spine :) Great job.
Have an awesome day.
Christelle.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
-
Thank you very much, Christelle (what a lovely name!). I appreciate you taking the time to critique my work, and I'm very grateful for your exceptional rating. :}
~Dean
Comment from michaelcahill
chthonian!! I almost made it ALL YEAR without looking up a word. Hahaha. Looks and reads great in classic. I don't know what the deal is with the new site, is it getting worse?
This was smooth and entertaining. A great story with humor and chills. Loved the sibilant S's. Killer ending that ties it all together in a most satisfying way. Awesome presentation that I won't deride due to jealousy. :) mikey
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
|
chthonian!! I almost made it ALL YEAR without looking up a word. Hahaha. Looks and reads great in classic. I don't know what the deal is with the new site, is it getting worse?
This was smooth and entertaining. A great story with humor and chills. Loved the sibilant S's. Killer ending that ties it all together in a most satisfying way. Awesome presentation that I won't deride due to jealousy. :) mikey
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
-
Thanks, Mikey. You can count on me to toss out a new word every now and again. I have two lists of words I've come across and saved on Microsoft Word, called "descriptive words I like". There are over 850! LOL...
As far as the new site, it "eats" some of my text, for whatever reasons. I haven't heard of any fixes for the problem as of yet, either.
What's up with Wackydo? He told me he was leaving the site. I read his rant in the forums, but I can't blame him for feeling a bit put-off. I hope he stays. I really like the guy.
Thanks for the review. As always, when you find the time to, I do appreciate it. :}
~Dean
-
He's pretty pissed. I'm trying to talk him out of it, but he seems determined. I try to ignore the many irritations and concentrate on the great people and writing. The lobotomy helped!
-
You too, huh? Yeah, that ice-pick in the eyeball thingy...that was no fun, heh-heh...
Comment from DALLAS01
I liked the contrast of art work and the animated version. of the spectre. It skillfully leads into the transition, allowing the reader to see before and after. Guess he got what he deserved. Pretty chilling revenge.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
|
I liked the contrast of art work and the animated version. of the spectre. It skillfully leads into the transition, allowing the reader to see before and after. Guess he got what he deserved. Pretty chilling revenge.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
-
Thanks very much, DALLAS. I'm very happy you enjoyed it.
~Dean
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Dean, this is a great gruesome poem. I switched back to classic Fanstory. I was having the same problem with colors on the Purple Nightmare. You have outdone yourself with this piece. Take care, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
|
Dean, this is a great gruesome poem. I switched back to classic Fanstory. I was having the same problem with colors on the Purple Nightmare. You have outdone yourself with this piece. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 09-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
-
Thanks for doing so, Debbie, because some of the text is missing in the new format of FanStory. Try as I might, I have not been able to get it to appear. It's even gotten me a couple of four-star reviews because of it.
I appreciate your wonderful rating, and I am very happy you enjoyed reading this. Thanks again for everything. ~Dean
-
Your very welcomeDebbie
