Sweet Jasmine
Whisked away to a distant shore...60 total reviews
Comment from w.j.debi
Oh, what a tale of woe. So sad, but told in such a lovely manner.
I love the alliteration of the "s"in this line
yon daybreak sings soothing sad songs to me.
It adds to the sorrowful feel of piece.
Excellent tug at the heart strings. What could be sadder than losing your true love just prior to the wedding? Happiness just within reach and then shattered.
Someone has probably already pointed this out, but you spell Jasmine as Jamsine in the last line.
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Oh, what a tale of woe. So sad, but told in such a lovely manner.
I love the alliteration of the "s"in this line
yon daybreak sings soothing sad songs to me.
It adds to the sorrowful feel of piece.
Excellent tug at the heart strings. What could be sadder than losing your true love just prior to the wedding? Happiness just within reach and then shattered.
Someone has probably already pointed this out, but you spell Jasmine as Jamsine in the last line.
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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No, actually you're the first one to point out that typo, debi. Thanks for the great catch!
I really appreciate your outstanding review. Thanks a bundle!:)
Comment from pipersfancy
Whew! This is the 4th time I've visited your page to review this piece... but I keep getting sidetracked! (Could you slow down on the writing for a day or two? Come up for air once in a while, man!)
First off - twixt, 'twas and 'tis... I tried to sneak those into my own sonnet, but my oldest informed me that it sounded lame. Now, when I read YOUR sonnet aloud, he announced those very same words to be, "cool". I believe the exact quote was, "Now THAT sounded COOL. Why don't you TRY writing something more interesting, mom... like that!" (So... thanks a lot, Dean. I pale by comparison to you, you Shakespearian genius.)
Against my better judgement, I have some minor tweaks and suggestions to offer (after all... I am entered in this race as well... of course, I COULD offer nothing but blarney!)
Twixt twilight's smooth black velvet evening gown, (I always think of velvet being soft, rather than smooth... or maybe warm!)
yon daybreak sings soothing sad songs to me.
yon daybreak's soothing songs do sadden me. (nice consonance)
The stoutest ale my pain could never drown, (meter fine/grammar reads off)
Tho' stoutest ale(,) my pain could never drown, (better? Or how 'bout...)
I'll drink the stoutest ale, my pain to drown, (this version works better with the line that follows)
beseeching death release its hold on thee.
yet fickle fate stepped in to intervene; in/in(tervene) sounds too repetitive
yet fickle fate approached to intervene;
Her sapphire eyes will shine bright nevermore, (nods to Poe aside... I don't think 'nevermore' works really well here...)
Her sapphire eyes will brightly shine no more,
Fantastic entry, Dean! It is quite achievement - not only as a "first ever attempt", but as a strong sonnet in its own right! (You've introduced us to a new form... the Gothic Sonnet!)
Hope you may find some of my blarney helpful! Best of luck!
PF
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Whew! This is the 4th time I've visited your page to review this piece... but I keep getting sidetracked! (Could you slow down on the writing for a day or two? Come up for air once in a while, man!)
First off - twixt, 'twas and 'tis... I tried to sneak those into my own sonnet, but my oldest informed me that it sounded lame. Now, when I read YOUR sonnet aloud, he announced those very same words to be, "cool". I believe the exact quote was, "Now THAT sounded COOL. Why don't you TRY writing something more interesting, mom... like that!" (So... thanks a lot, Dean. I pale by comparison to you, you Shakespearian genius.)
Against my better judgement, I have some minor tweaks and suggestions to offer (after all... I am entered in this race as well... of course, I COULD offer nothing but blarney!)
Twixt twilight's smooth black velvet evening gown, (I always think of velvet being soft, rather than smooth... or maybe warm!)
yon daybreak sings soothing sad songs to me.
yon daybreak's soothing songs do sadden me. (nice consonance)
The stoutest ale my pain could never drown, (meter fine/grammar reads off)
Tho' stoutest ale(,) my pain could never drown, (better? Or how 'bout...)
I'll drink the stoutest ale, my pain to drown, (this version works better with the line that follows)
beseeching death release its hold on thee.
yet fickle fate stepped in to intervene; in/in(tervene) sounds too repetitive
yet fickle fate approached to intervene;
Her sapphire eyes will shine bright nevermore, (nods to Poe aside... I don't think 'nevermore' works really well here...)
Her sapphire eyes will brightly shine no more,
Fantastic entry, Dean! It is quite achievement - not only as a "first ever attempt", but as a strong sonnet in its own right! (You've introduced us to a new form... the Gothic Sonnet!)
Hope you may find some of my blarney helpful! Best of luck!
PF
Comment Written 19-Aug-2014
Comment from country ranch writer
Such a tragedy for the man in the poem to loose his intended to the sickness. It goes without saying he had not come to terms with he going and he to wishes he was dead
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Such a tragedy for the man in the poem to loose his intended to the sickness. It goes without saying he had not come to terms with he going and he to wishes he was dead
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
Comment from Darkhorse555
just loved how these words drew for me Twixt twilight's smooth black velvet evening gown,yon daybreak sings soothing sad songs to me. very beautifully penned as always dear friend
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just loved how these words drew for me Twixt twilight's smooth black velvet evening gown,yon daybreak sings soothing sad songs to me. very beautifully penned as always dear friend
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
Comment from victor 66
I wish I had some suggestions to offer concerning your sonnet. But all I have to offer is that yours is the most vivid, dark and descriptive one I've read. That appeals to me. Good luck.
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I wish I had some suggestions to offer concerning your sonnet. But all I have to offer is that yours is the most vivid, dark and descriptive one I've read. That appeals to me. Good luck.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
Comment from DALLAS01
English Sonnets are out of my league, so I am not qualified to judge. However that does not spoil my ability to appreciate a good poem. Your rhyming quatrains depict love and it's loss eloquently, and the last couplet seals it.
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English Sonnets are out of my league, so I am not qualified to judge. However that does not spoil my ability to appreciate a good poem. Your rhyming quatrains depict love and it's loss eloquently, and the last couplet seals it.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
Comment from nor84
Fortunate you are, Dean, that I don't know a sonnet from a bonnet. I know what I like, though and this one reads really sweet. Best of luck in the contest, especially if it's a site contest where competition is tough.
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Fortunate you are, Dean, that I don't know a sonnet from a bonnet. I know what I like, though and this one reads really sweet. Best of luck in the contest, especially if it's a site contest where competition is tough.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
Comment from Twilightspire
I don't know much about sonnets, English or otherwise, but you know that.
What I can tell you is that I love the heart-wrenching pain that you get from this piece.
A beautiful love stolen by disease and a lover left forever wanting. It was sad, but very beautiful to read. The rhythm coasted you along with little hills and valleys and each word was a dagger to the heart.
Wonderful job on this and good luck with the contest, my friend.
-T.J.
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I don't know much about sonnets, English or otherwise, but you know that.
What I can tell you is that I love the heart-wrenching pain that you get from this piece.
A beautiful love stolen by disease and a lover left forever wanting. It was sad, but very beautiful to read. The rhythm coasted you along with little hills and valleys and each word was a dagger to the heart.
Wonderful job on this and good luck with the contest, my friend.
-T.J.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2014
Comment from Writingfundimension
I am deeply impressed by this, your first, sonnet, Dean. I know next to nothing about the mechanics of writing one, but I felt the flow and imagery of this was really exceptional. You are so brave to push the frontiers of sonnets by writing a supernaturally-themed example. I can see this sonnet as a great Celtic song. Good luck in the contest, my friend.
:) Bev
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I am deeply impressed by this, your first, sonnet, Dean. I know next to nothing about the mechanics of writing one, but I felt the flow and imagery of this was really exceptional. You are so brave to push the frontiers of sonnets by writing a supernaturally-themed example. I can see this sonnet as a great Celtic song. Good luck in the contest, my friend.
:) Bev
Comment Written 08-Aug-2014
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Dean
I'd say you did better than alright for your first attempt at a sonnet. I must try it myself someday, but that meter isn't an easy thing to accomplish. I can manage four feet, but five is another story.
This poor gent was to be married next day, but it sounds like his betrothed died suddenly of a mysterious illness.
I like the idea of a ferryman taking the hapless groom to those "gray and gloomy shores" where he whisked her after she passed on. It reminded me of "Charon's obol", when a coin was placed in or on the mouth of a dead person before burial. Greek and Latin sources specify the coin as an obol, and explain it was payment for Charon, the ferryman who conveyed souls across the river that divided the world of the living from the world of the dead. That's creepy, isn't it? And also the ferryman at anchor, waiting for the next person to die, his job never done.
"Should ferryman be anchored far or near" ... the groom knew that the ferryman was close by, and his desire was to be with his beloved, though she was dead. In other words, he wanted to be dead too. The world of the living held nothing for him since his true love had died. A great story for a sonnet. It could be made into a play. Shakespeare would be proud.
I especially like the alliteration of
"Twixt twilight's"
and the personification of night,
"smooth black velvet evening gown"
I also like the alliteration here,
"sings soothing sad songs"
and the personification of daybreak,
"daybreak sings soothing sad songs to me"
I like the reference to Guinness Ale, even though they bowed out of their bottling contract with my beloved Moosehead Breweries,
"The stoutest ale my pain could never drown"
and the personification of death,
"beseeching death release its hold on thee"
Nicely penned!
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2014
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Hi Dean
I'd say you did better than alright for your first attempt at a sonnet. I must try it myself someday, but that meter isn't an easy thing to accomplish. I can manage four feet, but five is another story.
This poor gent was to be married next day, but it sounds like his betrothed died suddenly of a mysterious illness.
I like the idea of a ferryman taking the hapless groom to those "gray and gloomy shores" where he whisked her after she passed on. It reminded me of "Charon's obol", when a coin was placed in or on the mouth of a dead person before burial. Greek and Latin sources specify the coin as an obol, and explain it was payment for Charon, the ferryman who conveyed souls across the river that divided the world of the living from the world of the dead. That's creepy, isn't it? And also the ferryman at anchor, waiting for the next person to die, his job never done.
"Should ferryman be anchored far or near" ... the groom knew that the ferryman was close by, and his desire was to be with his beloved, though she was dead. In other words, he wanted to be dead too. The world of the living held nothing for him since his true love had died. A great story for a sonnet. It could be made into a play. Shakespeare would be proud.
I especially like the alliteration of
"Twixt twilight's"
and the personification of night,
"smooth black velvet evening gown"
I also like the alliteration here,
"sings soothing sad songs"
and the personification of daybreak,
"daybreak sings soothing sad songs to me"
I like the reference to Guinness Ale, even though they bowed out of their bottling contract with my beloved Moosehead Breweries,
"The stoutest ale my pain could never drown"
and the personification of death,
"beseeching death release its hold on thee"
Nicely penned!
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 08-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2014
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Charon's obol...odd you should mention that, because I was thinking of it as I wrote this, Kimbob. That's really weird, LOL! I'm a big Greek Mythology buff, and the movie 300 is one of my all-time favorites. I have probably watched it about 300 times, ha-ha!
I sincerly appreciate this indepth, very wonderful review and rating, my friend. Writing this was quite a challenge for me as I had never written a sonnet of any kind before. I don't know how well a sad story such as this will be received by the FanStory Committee when it comes time for them tio vote, but I was very happy with the way it turned out. I am very pleased to know that you were too!
Thanks so much again -- for everything.
