Grandfather's Clock
A short fiction.3 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
No, this story isn't true, but it is just like an episode of the twilight zone. (20 Dec. 1963)
"The Twilight Zone" Ninety Years Without Slumbering (original title)
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
   |
No, this story isn't true, but it is just like an episode of the twilight zone. (20 Dec. 1963)
"The Twilight Zone" Ninety Years Without Slumbering (original title)
Comment Written 02-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2015
-
Sorry for the long delay in replying to your review ? no excuses but simply a matter of procrastination. "I must do..." I say every time I visit Fanstory, but ... well, better late than never! Thank you!
Comment from Tina McKala
This was a very impressive story. The idea beyond it was great! I admire your ability to tell a complete story with so few words, make it sad, but not pathetic, surprising even though it ended as it ws expected, but not quite so.
there are a few suggestios that i think could make it stronger (use or ignore as you think is the best)
1) avoid adverbs - this was a short story, yet you were using them a lot. one or two would go... find stronger words (verbs) that express the exact thing you are expressing here with a weaker verb plus adverb (or delete them - i read it also without them and the meaning wouldn't alter that much)
2) ticked away remorselessly, tick, tick... // consider putting these 'tick, tick...' into a new senntece - ticked away remorselessly. Tick. Tick. (maybe also put them into a new paragraph. If you do this every time you use this, it would create a pattern that would draw attention more and you'd put more weight onto those two words)
3) ... it fell on him. // It fell on him. (simply a full sentence)
4) On that last day,...
Then one day, the pendulum stopped its swing // this looks a bit as if you had two last days. it spoiled the gradation
I hope some of these helps. It was a very good story and I truly enjoyed it. Good luck to you!
|
This was a very impressive story. The idea beyond it was great! I admire your ability to tell a complete story with so few words, make it sad, but not pathetic, surprising even though it ended as it ws expected, but not quite so.
there are a few suggestios that i think could make it stronger (use or ignore as you think is the best)
1) avoid adverbs - this was a short story, yet you were using them a lot. one or two would go... find stronger words (verbs) that express the exact thing you are expressing here with a weaker verb plus adverb (or delete them - i read it also without them and the meaning wouldn't alter that much)
2) ticked away remorselessly, tick, tick... // consider putting these 'tick, tick...' into a new senntece - ticked away remorselessly. Tick. Tick. (maybe also put them into a new paragraph. If you do this every time you use this, it would create a pattern that would draw attention more and you'd put more weight onto those two words)
3) ... it fell on him. // It fell on him. (simply a full sentence)
4) On that last day,...
Then one day, the pendulum stopped its swing // this looks a bit as if you had two last days. it spoiled the gradation
I hope some of these helps. It was a very good story and I truly enjoyed it. Good luck to you!
Comment Written 02-Aug-2014
Comment from RodG
I like how the tale centers around a daily ritual that never varies despite how old Grandfather gets. I do, however, think it was not necessary to repeat his entire rite and mantra in paragraph two. The ending is predictable, but still works for me.
|
I like how the tale centers around a daily ritual that never varies despite how old Grandfather gets. I do, however, think it was not necessary to repeat his entire rite and mantra in paragraph two. The ending is predictable, but still works for me.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2014
