Little Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 172 "These Bees"Small and Specialty Poems
18 total reviews
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the picture. I love the poem. The lowly bee has helped to create the lovely flower. They help the plants we grow for food. We have found ways to artificially pollinate our crops. The food is not as good. Stick to the lowly bee. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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I love the picture. I love the poem. The lowly bee has helped to create the lovely flower. They help the plants we grow for food. We have found ways to artificially pollinate our crops. The food is not as good. Stick to the lowly bee. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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Thank you nelliesellie
Comment from JM
Bees intrigue me and I respect their space. I have often watched a swarm of bees [looks like a hive] congregate on a tree branch as if just taking a break. Strangest thing. Then two or three days later they are gone. "These bees are born in part to instigate" is my favorite line.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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Bees intrigue me and I respect their space. I have often watched a swarm of bees [looks like a hive] congregate on a tree branch as if just taking a break. Strangest thing. Then two or three days later they are gone. "These bees are born in part to instigate" is my favorite line.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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Thank you JM
Comment from The Death
Hi, mystery writer.
Lovely theme! You've beautifully expressed many whimsical thoughts here in this sonnet. Excellent phrasing throughout. There is strong visual imagery here.
The reasons I've awarded a 4 is that it has choppy flow due to lack of proper punctuation, and rhythm is off at some places.
Two bees that flutter on white flower's face
Are drawn as sights and smells intoxicate
Assisting bloom's attempt to pollinate
On sticky grains their tiny legs encase
That help to transfer true genetic trace(--)
Allowing flowered plants to propagate.
You've tried to make excellent use of enjambment here. However, it is not smooth and can be made much better. Note the punctuation suggestion is brackets. Also, you have 'flower' as 2 syllables in the first line.
Fine use of phonetics with alliteration of S,F,T and consonance of S,R. I like the visuals your words portray.
Nice introduction of 'Volta'.
But oh, what beauty lies in fabled flower!
Now, you've used 'flower' as 1 syllable. This is not considered good at all. And if you are thinking about the feminine rhyme(flower as 2 syllables), then have it in the whole concluding sestet. Using it in one line shows that you tried to get rid of this somehow.
Such petals are adorned in purest white(;)
The center blessed with brightest yellow spot.
Nice use of S consonance and B alliteration.
Loved these lines:
Romantics ask if love's true "here and now" were
But answered with a petal's picking plight(--)
Declaring "Does she love me, love me not?"
I see you've 11 syllables in that that 'now were' line, but as I said, it's odd to have them once only. If you have the masculine rhymes throughout, use them only.
The closing lines are sweet and creates a cheerful mood. Excellent use of P alliteration, R,S consonance and E assonance.
This is a strong entry into the contest, but needs to tweaked slightly. Will be happy to re-review. Please let me know if you edit this.
Good luck! :)
Kindest regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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Hi, mystery writer.
Lovely theme! You've beautifully expressed many whimsical thoughts here in this sonnet. Excellent phrasing throughout. There is strong visual imagery here.
The reasons I've awarded a 4 is that it has choppy flow due to lack of proper punctuation, and rhythm is off at some places.
Two bees that flutter on white flower's face
Are drawn as sights and smells intoxicate
Assisting bloom's attempt to pollinate
On sticky grains their tiny legs encase
That help to transfer true genetic trace(--)
Allowing flowered plants to propagate.
You've tried to make excellent use of enjambment here. However, it is not smooth and can be made much better. Note the punctuation suggestion is brackets. Also, you have 'flower' as 2 syllables in the first line.
Fine use of phonetics with alliteration of S,F,T and consonance of S,R. I like the visuals your words portray.
Nice introduction of 'Volta'.
But oh, what beauty lies in fabled flower!
Now, you've used 'flower' as 1 syllable. This is not considered good at all. And if you are thinking about the feminine rhyme(flower as 2 syllables), then have it in the whole concluding sestet. Using it in one line shows that you tried to get rid of this somehow.
Such petals are adorned in purest white(;)
The center blessed with brightest yellow spot.
Nice use of S consonance and B alliteration.
Loved these lines:
Romantics ask if love's true "here and now" were
But answered with a petal's picking plight(--)
Declaring "Does she love me, love me not?"
I see you've 11 syllables in that that 'now were' line, but as I said, it's odd to have them once only. If you have the masculine rhymes throughout, use them only.
The closing lines are sweet and creates a cheerful mood. Excellent use of P alliteration, R,S consonance and E assonance.
This is a strong entry into the contest, but needs to tweaked slightly. Will be happy to re-review. Please let me know if you edit this.
Good luck! :)
Kindest regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 30-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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Thank you Anupam. I appreciate your taking the time for a detailed review and explanation of your concerns. I think you missed my author's notes that clearly identified the mated feminine intent of lines 9 and 12. You may have missed that, as i used an abba (Enveloping) rhyme scheme. I not sure the - is grammatically better than a comma, but I will consider it.
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Thanks for your gracious reply. I did mention in the review that if you have the masculine rhymes throughout, you should not have used feminine rhyme to just get your point across somehow. Comma and dash serve different purposes. Anyways, you are free to have it the way you want. I have expressed my views honestly.
Comment from Kaila Mari
The thread of romance that weaves throughout the poem is excellent. I like that although the poem has a deep romantic sense the entire theme is not tacky.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2014
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The thread of romance that weaves throughout the poem is excellent. I like that although the poem has a deep romantic sense the entire theme is not tacky.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2014
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Thank you Kaila.
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~
I loved this lovely little sonnet. It made for a fun read and it's really well written. Loved the rhymes too. Good Luck in the contest and God Bless~!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2014
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Hello there~
I loved this lovely little sonnet. It made for a fun read and it's really well written. Loved the rhymes too. Good Luck in the contest and God Bless~!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2014
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Thank you Kuasar
Comment from Ben Colder
Wish I could get a colony to stay around my place. Scarce here in my orchard. Daisy saying when we were kids. Have not heard that is a while. Well done poet.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Wish I could get a colony to stay around my place. Scarce here in my orchard. Daisy saying when we were kids. Have not heard that is a while. Well done poet.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you Ben
Comment from GWHARGIS
I felt like the life cycle of the flower just unfolded in front of me. Great rhyming scheme and the whole dance of the bee was beautiful. Loved the imagery and the language. Very regal and lovely. Nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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I felt like the life cycle of the flower just unfolded in front of me. Great rhyming scheme and the whole dance of the bee was beautiful. Loved the imagery and the language. Very regal and lovely. Nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you GWHargis
Comment from poetbear
Great rhyme.
Wonderful art.
Beautifully written and constructed.
The marvel of that incredible little engineer.
Teads well and make sense.
Well one.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Great rhyme.
Wonderful art.
Beautifully written and constructed.
The marvel of that incredible little engineer.
Teads well and make sense.
Well one.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you poetbear
Comment from Nosha17
I love bees and their intricate methods of pollinating flowers. You have captured the beauty of the bees very well in your choice of words and rhyming. Lovely picture and smooth and enjoyable read. Good luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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I love bees and their intricate methods of pollinating flowers. You have captured the beauty of the bees very well in your choice of words and rhyming. Lovely picture and smooth and enjoyable read. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you Faye
Comment from Eternal Muse
What a gem this is; I am so glad I have my supply of sixes today.
A stunning photographs to accompany just as stunning a verse.
You've outdone yourself here - Italian sonnet is so musical, isn't it? These were music to my ear:
Two bees that flutter on white flower's face
Are drawn as sights and smells intoxicate,
Assisting bloom's attempt to pollinate
On sticky grains their tiny legs encase
That help to transfer true genetic trace,
Allowing flowered plants to propagate.
Wow!
I think you might want to mention in your author notes that you've chosen a CDECED rhyme scheme for your sestet out of these available choices:
c d c d c d
c d d c d c
c d e c d e
c d e c e d
c d c e d c
This is a top contender in my book so far.
Love, Y.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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What a gem this is; I am so glad I have my supply of sixes today.
A stunning photographs to accompany just as stunning a verse.
You've outdone yourself here - Italian sonnet is so musical, isn't it? These were music to my ear:
Two bees that flutter on white flower's face
Are drawn as sights and smells intoxicate,
Assisting bloom's attempt to pollinate
On sticky grains their tiny legs encase
That help to transfer true genetic trace,
Allowing flowered plants to propagate.
Wow!
I think you might want to mention in your author notes that you've chosen a CDECED rhyme scheme for your sestet out of these available choices:
c d c d c d
c d d c d c
c d e c d e
c d e c e d
c d c e d c
This is a top contender in my book so far.
Love, Y.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you yeltel for the detailed comments and the high praise emphasized by the star award. Yes i find the Italian format delightful. I'll take your suggestion.
