Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 59 "Wayaka Moon"Murder Mystery
34 total reviews
Comment from Norbanus
Holy Toledo! I missed this segment all together. Another super piece of the story, Bev.
The masterful way you keep the story flowing out should keep all your readers chomping at the bit for the next chunk. Sorry I missed this one. I'll try to not let that happen again.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Holy Toledo! I missed this segment all together. Another super piece of the story, Bev.
The masterful way you keep the story flowing out should keep all your readers chomping at the bit for the next chunk. Sorry I missed this one. I'll try to not let that happen again.
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Hi, Norbanus. Thank you so much for this grand review. I sure appreciate your support and encouragement. Absolutely no need to apologize, my friend. :) Bev
Comment from Maltese Falcon
really like the picture of a snake. its what drew me to this piece. its well written and I can find no errors. I can follow the story easily enough.
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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really like the picture of a snake. its what drew me to this piece. its well written and I can find no errors. I can follow the story easily enough.
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Thanks for your great review, Maltese. :) Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
A bit late, I know! I've been on the road for a couple od days.
:)
Another superb post, Bev. The way this tale is unfolding is nothing less than masterful under the skill of your pen.
The bloody pool was a brilliant touch. One of many, I might add!
Love the foreshadowing of things to come. The spirituality of the shaman against the demon who holds him.
Excellent, as always! Wouldn't miss it.
Love and hugs,
Av
xx
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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A bit late, I know! I've been on the road for a couple od days.
:)
Another superb post, Bev. The way this tale is unfolding is nothing less than masterful under the skill of your pen.
The bloody pool was a brilliant touch. One of many, I might add!
Love the foreshadowing of things to come. The spirituality of the shaman against the demon who holds him.
Excellent, as always! Wouldn't miss it.
Love and hugs,
Av
xx
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Thank you so very much, Av. I am very encouraged by your thoughts on this chapter. It drew more than the usual energy from me, so it's nice to know I pulled it off. And your beautiful starlight is icing on the cake. Love to you, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
I love your descriptive final line, Bev: 'The creature's howls reverberated against Tony's skull, and pain, like a thousand biting bees, pushed him deep into the ebony abyss.'
I'm glad that I checked in and didn't miss this tension building chapter.
Two suggestions:
-and something's caused her to get upset
Suggestion: and something's upset her
-crease between her eyes
Suggestion: rubbed the crease on the bridge of her nose(there is no crease between one's eyes) This also avoids repetition of 'eye' which follows in the next sentence.
I didn't catch anything else as I was so engrossed with the story line.
Excellent job, my friend.
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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I love your descriptive final line, Bev: 'The creature's howls reverberated against Tony's skull, and pain, like a thousand biting bees, pushed him deep into the ebony abyss.'
I'm glad that I checked in and didn't miss this tension building chapter.
Two suggestions:
-and something's caused her to get upset
Suggestion: and something's upset her
-crease between her eyes
Suggestion: rubbed the crease on the bridge of her nose(there is no crease between one's eyes) This also avoids repetition of 'eye' which follows in the next sentence.
I didn't catch anything else as I was so engrossed with the story line.
Excellent job, my friend.
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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hehehehe, I have a crease between my eyes from all the frowning I do and was thinking of that. Of course you're right, the bridge of the nose wouldn't have a crease LoL. I so appreciate your support and guidance, my friend. Thanks for taking time out to read and for your brilliant stars. Love, Bev
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xxxx
:) e
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear Bev - Its dark as midnight and I'm reading this scaring myself silly - if I have nightmares I'm going to have to count firefighters.!!
This is well penned and scares the crap out of me. But what a deeply satanical piece to ponder. Sounds like we are in for more fear and pain. Yikes overall -which is the best I can do when I am scared out of my wits.
Thanks for scaring me.
Maureen
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Dear Bev - Its dark as midnight and I'm reading this scaring myself silly - if I have nightmares I'm going to have to count firefighters.!!
This is well penned and scares the crap out of me. But what a deeply satanical piece to ponder. Sounds like we are in for more fear and pain. Yikes overall -which is the best I can do when I am scared out of my wits.
Thanks for scaring me.
Maureen
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Thank you so much, Maureen. I know how sensitive you are, so it really means a lot that you took the time to read this chapter. I am honored and most appreciative. Hugs, Bev
Comment from RGstar
A tiny thing here, Bev, just small, but I think it is good to discuss it now if in the future the occasion presents itself again.
"I'm sorry to bother you right now, Mrs. Hubbard. But I don't know what to do about the patient in Room 3011."
I know I was taught never to use conjunctions to begin sentences, which I must say is incorrect as using 'and' in a dramatic sense is pretty popular in modern times, when probably would have been scowled at in the days of old.
'But' is more difficult to use at the beginning of a sentence, yet not illegal.
However, I just feel, ' But' in this instance at the head of the sentence does not orchestrate a dramatic or emphatic effect as would justify its usage. I feel the sentence is a mild follow on of that which was said before it, so joining by using a comma, and either taking 'but' away or keeping it with a comma before, would, in my mind, suit the flow better and might serve you well if you should again come to a similar situation which might, even more, be visible. What do you think, Bev?
Here are my examples;
"I'm sorry to bother you right now, Mrs. Hubbard; I don't know what to do about the patient in Room 3011."
"I'm sorry to bother you right now, Mrs. Hubbard, but I don't know what to do about the patient in Room 3011."
Either way, not such a dramatic statement, and using 'but' does not make it more forceful or dramatic.
You have this so well under control, Bev. Scene after scene, whether in a hospital, a darkened street, or a devil dog's presence or aura, the reader is treated to both clinical and clear perceptions with imagery as sharp and as real as if watching a film in high definition. I become so proud reading what you lay down as it is beautiful to see another writer delivering such a good presentation.
Mastery is another who have the ability to make things seem easy. Green Lake Girl has a good writing head when she starts to flow, Dawn has a good writing brain, and when it comes to extra terrestrial and sub plots, pbroussard209 has the answers. There are certainly a few more on the novel side who are worth mentions but I do not review so many novels outside of my fan members as I write mainly poetry.
Bev, what can I say? You have presented a great new chapter.
Good luck with the book.
Best wishes,
RG
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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A tiny thing here, Bev, just small, but I think it is good to discuss it now if in the future the occasion presents itself again.
"I'm sorry to bother you right now, Mrs. Hubbard. But I don't know what to do about the patient in Room 3011."
I know I was taught never to use conjunctions to begin sentences, which I must say is incorrect as using 'and' in a dramatic sense is pretty popular in modern times, when probably would have been scowled at in the days of old.
'But' is more difficult to use at the beginning of a sentence, yet not illegal.
However, I just feel, ' But' in this instance at the head of the sentence does not orchestrate a dramatic or emphatic effect as would justify its usage. I feel the sentence is a mild follow on of that which was said before it, so joining by using a comma, and either taking 'but' away or keeping it with a comma before, would, in my mind, suit the flow better and might serve you well if you should again come to a similar situation which might, even more, be visible. What do you think, Bev?
Here are my examples;
"I'm sorry to bother you right now, Mrs. Hubbard; I don't know what to do about the patient in Room 3011."
"I'm sorry to bother you right now, Mrs. Hubbard, but I don't know what to do about the patient in Room 3011."
Either way, not such a dramatic statement, and using 'but' does not make it more forceful or dramatic.
You have this so well under control, Bev. Scene after scene, whether in a hospital, a darkened street, or a devil dog's presence or aura, the reader is treated to both clinical and clear perceptions with imagery as sharp and as real as if watching a film in high definition. I become so proud reading what you lay down as it is beautiful to see another writer delivering such a good presentation.
Mastery is another who have the ability to make things seem easy. Green Lake Girl has a good writing head when she starts to flow, Dawn has a good writing brain, and when it comes to extra terrestrial and sub plots, pbroussard209 has the answers. There are certainly a few more on the novel side who are worth mentions but I do not review so many novels outside of my fan members as I write mainly poetry.
Bev, what can I say? You have presented a great new chapter.
Good luck with the book.
Best wishes,
RG
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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You are absolutely correct, RG. It's something I tend to do too often. I'm very glad you brought the situation up for my attention. Your way is MUCH better. It's really not a small thing - something that screams amateur to an editor.
Thank you so very much for your wonderfully encouraging review and insights. I am honored, my friend.
:) BEv
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You are doing a wonderful job with this. I felt like I was in the hospital watching the action and beside Tony. He's in trouble.
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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You are doing a wonderful job with this. I felt like I was in the hospital watching the action and beside Tony. He's in trouble.
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Barbara, thank you so very much for this generous review. Your insights and encouragement are truly gratifying. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Laura Oliva
I rate prose based on 6 pieces of criteria: content flow, grammar, characterization, dialogue, show not tell, and visualization.
Content flow worked for me even though this is my first exposure to the story.
As for grammar (yes I know why grammar), you are having problems with some of your comma usage. For example:
She was behind schedule with the required medication check, and needed to complete the task before the 7:00 A.M. shift arrived.
Here the ", and" is not appropriate because you do not have two independent clauses on each side of it, i.e. the second half is missing the subject to go with needed. Removing the comma fixes the problem.
So far your characters seem interesting and the dialogue is good.
Nothing really red-flagged itself as tell instead of show, and for the most part, I could visualize what was going on clearly.
There are a few places where I'm not sure what you are trying to get across to the reader. For instance:
"I will take special delight in your final understanding you have devoted your life to man-made delusions. Such pleasure you can't imagine."
"Your final understanding" doesn't seem to make sense. Did you mean "and you finally understanding that"?
Overall, I liked the read. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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I rate prose based on 6 pieces of criteria: content flow, grammar, characterization, dialogue, show not tell, and visualization.
Content flow worked for me even though this is my first exposure to the story.
As for grammar (yes I know why grammar), you are having problems with some of your comma usage. For example:
She was behind schedule with the required medication check, and needed to complete the task before the 7:00 A.M. shift arrived.
Here the ", and" is not appropriate because you do not have two independent clauses on each side of it, i.e. the second half is missing the subject to go with needed. Removing the comma fixes the problem.
So far your characters seem interesting and the dialogue is good.
Nothing really red-flagged itself as tell instead of show, and for the most part, I could visualize what was going on clearly.
There are a few places where I'm not sure what you are trying to get across to the reader. For instance:
"I will take special delight in your final understanding you have devoted your life to man-made delusions. Such pleasure you can't imagine."
"Your final understanding" doesn't seem to make sense. Did you mean "and you finally understanding that"?
Overall, I liked the read. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Thanks for the spag suggestion. I will remove the comma as suggested. I do think your rating is quite low considering that you're coming into this novel at 58+ chapters and appearing to rate based on your lack of understanding for what has gone before.
Anyway, thanks.
Bev
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I review like an editor reviews. What is in front of me should stand on it's own merit not that of previous passages. Basically, I am reviewing your writing technique as well as your story line.
Comment from Rondeno
I love it, Bev! Who, on this site, can write prose with your assurance and persuasive power? everything else is shabby and shallow alongside yours. Sorry I don't have a six!
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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I love it, Bev! Who, on this site, can write prose with your assurance and persuasive power? everything else is shabby and shallow alongside yours. Sorry I don't have a six!
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Hiya, Mikey. Thank you so much for your compliments which are worth more than any star to me. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Bev xxxxxxxxxxxx
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you're very welcome, Bev xxxxxxxx
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the picture. It is so right. A snake is in the woods. The nurses are going to get a taste of it. The bad guy intends to use Agnes. Lucas may be swayed To protect his soul mate. Great work.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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I love the picture. It is so right. A snake is in the woods. The nurses are going to get a taste of it. The bad guy intends to use Agnes. Lucas may be swayed To protect his soul mate. Great work.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Thank you, nelliesellie. I much appreciate you stopping by to read my chapter and your generous review. Warm regards, Bev
