Inhospitable
A game room is filled with hostility.7 total reviews
Comment from Muffins
A jaw dropping sped demon story that had me my eyes bulging. I liked the narrator's hold on to the hope that he would survive this attack from a dead celebrity spirit. An engrossing piece.
reply by the author on 22-May-2014
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A jaw dropping sped demon story that had me my eyes bulging. I liked the narrator's hold on to the hope that he would survive this attack from a dead celebrity spirit. An engrossing piece.
Comment Written 22-May-2014
reply by the author on 22-May-2014
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Glad you enjoyed the tale. Thank you for the kind rating. Good luck in your own efforts.
Comment from Tatarka2
For me, this story was a little hard to follow, and I didn't exactly understand the plot, or what happened. I did enjoy the references to Elvis and Michael Jackson, but, as I say, the plot seemed a bit thin to me, and I think you might have been able to eliminate some of the descriptive paragraphs. Having said that, I know you did well in the contest with this one, and I congratulate you for that.
reply by the author on 06-May-2014
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For me, this story was a little hard to follow, and I didn't exactly understand the plot, or what happened. I did enjoy the references to Elvis and Michael Jackson, but, as I say, the plot seemed a bit thin to me, and I think you might have been able to eliminate some of the descriptive paragraphs. Having said that, I know you did well in the contest with this one, and I congratulate you for that.
Comment Written 06-May-2014
reply by the author on 06-May-2014
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You are right, a thin plot. I just felt the urge to be a little odd. Thank you for the congratulations. Good luck in your own efforts.
Comment from humpwhistle
Well, that was quite a romp. I've been in a barroom brawl or two that went something like that--only I had targets to reciprocate on.
I wonder if you have the first two lines correct. There's a tense change between 'was' and 'can'.
Good luck.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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Well, that was quite a romp. I've been in a barroom brawl or two that went something like that--only I had targets to reciprocate on.
I wonder if you have the first two lines correct. There's a tense change between 'was' and 'can'.
Good luck.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 26-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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Your 'wonder' is correct. I copied the contest start sentences wrong even though the verbs did not click in my mind either. I never went back and checked. Thanks for the note and the fine rating. It sure is scarier when you have no way to fight back.
Comment from Jay Squires
An entertaining tale. You have a likeable character, a plausible scenario and easily identifiable antagonists Elvis and Michael in the body of the pinball machines.
I have a few concerns you may want to check out:
As I was about to again begin crawling,[A bit awkward. You might try, "As I was again about to crawl"]
Evidently, my protagonist was comfortable [I believe you mean "antagonist"]
Good luck with your writing.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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An entertaining tale. You have a likeable character, a plausible scenario and easily identifiable antagonists Elvis and Michael in the body of the pinball machines.
I have a few concerns you may want to check out:
As I was about to again begin crawling,[A bit awkward. You might try, "As I was again about to crawl"]
Evidently, my protagonist was comfortable [I believe you mean "antagonist"]
Good luck with your writing.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Thank for the constructive suggestions and the 5 stars. Appreciate it. Good luck in your own writing efforts.
Comment from Cindy Warren
That gave me the creeps. I liked the part where the machine landed in the pool. Creepy, but creative. I'd like to know why your hosts left you there. Surely they must have been aware of something awry in that room. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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That gave me the creeps. I liked the part where the machine landed in the pool. Creepy, but creative. I'd like to know why your hosts left you there. Surely they must have been aware of something awry in that room. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Glad you enjoyed the story. Thank you for the ratings. Good luck in your own writings.
Comment from mfowler
This is an amzingly original story. Only a person who loved that era of music and is au fait with the memorabilia style in that room, could write with in such detail and with such imagination. Your haunted game room comes alive to chase down the interloper who dares enter. You allude to this room as being the heart of the ranch, but I think it may just be the spirit of the old guy who sold the vinal. I found this to be an excellent read.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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This is an amzingly original story. Only a person who loved that era of music and is au fait with the memorabilia style in that room, could write with in such detail and with such imagination. Your haunted game room comes alive to chase down the interloper who dares enter. You allude to this room as being the heart of the ranch, but I think it may just be the spirit of the old guy who sold the vinal. I found this to be an excellent read.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Very happy you enjoyed it so much. I wasn't sure the idea would work. Good luck in your own efforts in the future.
Comment from DonandVicki
A very engaging flash fiction story that held on to my interest as I was pulled into the story. Very thrilling and a pleasure to read. Don
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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A very engaging flash fiction story that held on to my interest as I was pulled into the story. Very thrilling and a pleasure to read. Don
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for the praise. I just never know where an oddball idea is going to go until I have it mostly written. Thank you, again.
