Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "Power and the Wizard of Yosemite"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
18 total reviews
Comment from Michaelk
Cool! Finally starting to go after the bad guys. I loved the whole 'Star Trek' routine, that was very cute. They need to start bringing more people into the bunker. If something happens the ones who weren't told about the bunker might revolt.
  |
Cool! Finally starting to go after the bad guys. I loved the whole 'Star Trek' routine, that was very cute. They need to start bringing more people into the bunker. If something happens the ones who weren't told about the bunker might revolt.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
Comment from 24chas
Good one, my friend. Just keep 'em coming. I'm going to figure this sucker out eventually, probably by the last installment. :)
|
Good one, my friend. Just keep 'em coming. I'm going to figure this sucker out eventually, probably by the last installment. :)
Comment Written 04-Apr-2014
Comment from Nosha17
Sorry, I am a bit behind in my reviews this week-I have had some health problems, high BP etc. I am ok. Your story gets more adventurous, you are now off on a rescue mission! Your characters are developing nicely and the narrative and dialogue are as sharp as always. Enjoyable read. Faye
|
Sorry, I am a bit behind in my reviews this week-I have had some health problems, high BP etc. I am ok. Your story gets more adventurous, you are now off on a rescue mission! Your characters are developing nicely and the narrative and dialogue are as sharp as always. Enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 04-Apr-2014
Comment from l.raven
OK Michael...now we can buzz in on any ones conversations...finding our here are people everywhere...how big is this camp going to get before it gets out of control...and who's coming next??? very well written Michel...It's a great story told...Luff Linda xxoo.
|
OK Michael...now we can buzz in on any ones conversations...finding our here are people everywhere...how big is this camp going to get before it gets out of control...and who's coming next??? very well written Michel...It's a great story told...Luff Linda xxoo.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
Comment from GracieAnn
Yeah, Mikey, you got my review message about the deaf. The strategy of "turn about is fair play" works here quite nicely. Use their own stuff against them. One small grammo (grammar typo)here: change "there" to "their" possessive in the line "how to tell me there location" Nice humor and I loved the Start Trek adaptations. So does that make Nikolai Chekov? :0 GracieAnn
|
Yeah, Mikey, you got my review message about the deaf. The strategy of "turn about is fair play" works here quite nicely. Use their own stuff against them. One small grammo (grammar typo)here: change "there" to "their" possessive in the line "how to tell me there location" Nice humor and I loved the Start Trek adaptations. So does that make Nikolai Chekov? :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
Comment from ragamuffin
Just read an article not too long ago about how science is "reading minds," by using activity in a certain part of a brain to transmit a picture to a computer screen. We probably shouldn't be messing with such things, but I'm sure it will be something that much time and money will go into in many different countries. Looking forward to more of the story.
|
Just read an article not too long ago about how science is "reading minds," by using activity in a certain part of a brain to transmit a picture to a computer screen. We probably shouldn't be messing with such things, but I'm sure it will be something that much time and money will go into in many different countries. Looking forward to more of the story.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
Comment from nor84
The fear is (was)what haunted me the most. The overwhelming paralyzing fear preventing movement. >>> He's referring to what bothered him at the start (but now he's hopeful) so he's referring to the fear he once had; therefore, need "was" rather than "is".
Linda and Nikolai came bubbling towards us>>>'bubbling' confused me. As your reader, I can't see what it means. Are they smiling and laughing?
Mikey, the following is one WHALE of a sentence at 42 words. It's a run-on:
Turning to Sarah, who had in a short time, become accustomed to my humor extended her hand, I continued, "Sarah, this is Linda and Nikolai, they built this bunker from an erector set." I whispered loudly, "The tall one doesn't speak any English.":Here's what I'd do with it. Brackets [ ] indicate words I'd cut and parentheses ( ) show additions or changes:
Turning to Sarah, who had [in a short time, become accustomed to my humor] extended her hand, I continued(.) "Sarah, this is Linda and Nikolai(.) They built this bunker from an erector set. [" I whispered loudly, "]The tall one doesn't speak any English." >>>He's telling Sarah all this, so it doesn't need to be broken up by 'I whispered'. It's all one flow of dialogue. I recommend cutting 'in a short time, become accustomed to my humor because that fact, added to extended her hand, makes the sentence too long.
Speech tags are always a way of speaking -- I yelled, I whispered, she shouted, he asked, etc. Anything else is an action: interrupted, continued, etc., have to be part of a stand-alone action tag, ending with a period. They can't end with a comma. Example: Nikolai interrupted. "What ... see?
Here we have an action tag, followed by a statement and then a question. Here's what I'd do with it:
Nikolai began immediately(.) "Kings Canyon, Sequoia, Fire Falls(.) Do any of these names mean anything to you?"
I hope this helps. I nearly lost this review, so I'm going to quit here before I do lose it. The site seems to be acting up. It bounced from the "Reviewing Notes" section to way down in this "Message" box, and I thought it was gone.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
 |
The fear is (was)what haunted me the most. The overwhelming paralyzing fear preventing movement. >>> He's referring to what bothered him at the start (but now he's hopeful) so he's referring to the fear he once had; therefore, need "was" rather than "is".
Linda and Nikolai came bubbling towards us>>>'bubbling' confused me. As your reader, I can't see what it means. Are they smiling and laughing?
Mikey, the following is one WHALE of a sentence at 42 words. It's a run-on:
Turning to Sarah, who had in a short time, become accustomed to my humor extended her hand, I continued, "Sarah, this is Linda and Nikolai, they built this bunker from an erector set." I whispered loudly, "The tall one doesn't speak any English.":Here's what I'd do with it. Brackets [ ] indicate words I'd cut and parentheses ( ) show additions or changes:
Turning to Sarah, who had [in a short time, become accustomed to my humor] extended her hand, I continued(.) "Sarah, this is Linda and Nikolai(.) They built this bunker from an erector set. [" I whispered loudly, "]The tall one doesn't speak any English." >>>He's telling Sarah all this, so it doesn't need to be broken up by 'I whispered'. It's all one flow of dialogue. I recommend cutting 'in a short time, become accustomed to my humor because that fact, added to extended her hand, makes the sentence too long.
Speech tags are always a way of speaking -- I yelled, I whispered, she shouted, he asked, etc. Anything else is an action: interrupted, continued, etc., have to be part of a stand-alone action tag, ending with a period. They can't end with a comma. Example: Nikolai interrupted. "What ... see?
Here we have an action tag, followed by a statement and then a question. Here's what I'd do with it:
Nikolai began immediately(.) "Kings Canyon, Sequoia, Fire Falls(.) Do any of these names mean anything to you?"
I hope this helps. I nearly lost this review, so I'm going to quit here before I do lose it. The site seems to be acting up. It bounced from the "Reviewing Notes" section to way down in this "Message" box, and I thought it was gone.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
-
This is absolutely PERFECT! I am having such difficulty with dialogue. I know what they should say, but how to put it on paper is a mystery! hahaha. This helps greatly. Seeing it is a big plus. The "whys" even bigger. I didn't even realize that was one sentence. Whew! Believe it or not, even that is an improvement. I used to have characters exchange long-winded speeches. All they needed were podiums. Copied into word. Thank you kindly, mikey
Comment from Sasha
Marvelous chapter. I found this fascinating and totally believable. This story continues to captivate me and I anxiously look forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
|
Marvelous chapter. I found this fascinating and totally believable. This story continues to captivate me and I anxiously look forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
-
So pleased you are enjoying this. I'm way behind on answering these. But, I read them and appreciate every word. Your encouragement truly keeps me going. Trying to come up with a good ending that isn't off the deep end. So, far I'm staying above water!! mikey
Comment from ravenblack
The transmission of thoughts- expand your research, not necessarily for the story, but just because it is damn interesting , to include dolphins and whales. Researches believe that they have a completely different mode of communication, whale song not sounds/words that create a picture but the picture or though delivered instantly.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
|
The transmission of thoughts- expand your research, not necessarily for the story, but just because it is damn interesting , to include dolphins and whales. Researches believe that they have a completely different mode of communication, whale song not sounds/words that create a picture but the picture or though delivered instantly.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
-
My other story centers on a dolphin. It is interesting as can be. I'm not too scientific, so I always fear tripping myself up like I do with this story!! I know it's important to at least give a sense of the plausibility of the science. That is something I have to work on. Still laughing about the flat earth!! mikey
Comment from Tatarka2
Congratulations on doing this research and keeping this in the realm of the believable. Great story. I can't wait to see what happens next. Again, a very good choice to explain the "brain transmissions." The reader can buy it without having to suspend belief in too great a way, so the story continues to be intriguing.
|
Congratulations on doing this research and keeping this in the realm of the believable. Great story. I can't wait to see what happens next. Again, a very good choice to explain the "brain transmissions." The reader can buy it without having to suspend belief in too great a way, so the story continues to be intriguing.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
