History and Myth
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "A Pirate's Tale"Poems that tell stories of long ago
31 total reviews
Comment from jshep
MY O MY, Treischel, I feel as if I just finished watching a Johnny Depp movie. The only thing missing for me was maybe a description of the boy since it is his story on how he became a man. Also with the telling I did not find the drama dramatic enough to make me gasp which would be more showing through words than telling. Those were the only issues I had with the crown of sonnets.
Flawless rhyme and meter. I searched for one mistake and could not find any. Some great metaphors- fished out like cod, ocean huggin man. Love the line of nurture in the school of crime and strife, and also about learning life lesson too late. the added touch of the bit of Irish here and there made for a fun read.
Very well done and shows a lot of time and effort put into the rhymes and meter. Best of luck. Joycex
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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MY O MY, Treischel, I feel as if I just finished watching a Johnny Depp movie. The only thing missing for me was maybe a description of the boy since it is his story on how he became a man. Also with the telling I did not find the drama dramatic enough to make me gasp which would be more showing through words than telling. Those were the only issues I had with the crown of sonnets.
Flawless rhyme and meter. I searched for one mistake and could not find any. Some great metaphors- fished out like cod, ocean huggin man. Love the line of nurture in the school of crime and strife, and also about learning life lesson too late. the added touch of the bit of Irish here and there made for a fun read.
Very well done and shows a lot of time and effort put into the rhymes and meter. Best of luck. Joycex
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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Thank you Joyce. What a wonderfully detailed review. I appreciate your time and comments.
Comment from Just2Write
Great entry into the Crown of Sonnets contest, Tom. These are not easy to do.
I liked that you used a story format, which allowed you to build upon the original Sonnet.
Our quarry knew they's chased by buccaneer -
(Buccaneer is singular - a buccaneer, or pirate. I think you can get away with adding an 's' for the plural.)
Excellent submission to the Contest, m'dear.
Rose.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Great entry into the Crown of Sonnets contest, Tom. These are not easy to do.
I liked that you used a story format, which allowed you to build upon the original Sonnet.
Our quarry knew they's chased by buccaneer -
(Buccaneer is singular - a buccaneer, or pirate. I think you can get away with adding an 's' for the plural.)
Excellent submission to the Contest, m'dear.
Rose.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Thank you Rose. I appreciate your comment and suggestion and so very pleased with the high regard as indicated by the stars.
Comment from Chris Petersen
Hi Tom,
May I suggest "nay" instead of "na" in "Me dad was always drunk when na at sea". Your use of "what'ere" I think should read "whate'er". May I also suggest changing "privateers" to "buccaneers". Also "an' stowed away" instead of "an stole away". In IV line 4 replace "when 'ere would sing" with "when e'er would sing". Consider "Blood/lust/and/mur/der/our/cru/el/co/horts" to reduce syllabic count from 11 to 10. Consider changing "object of desire" to "prospect of desire". Consider "Ta reach ME end at only twenty one".
Well that's my say for what it's worth. Otherwise a very engaging and entertaining write that I cannot rate other then excellent, Chris.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Hi Tom,
May I suggest "nay" instead of "na" in "Me dad was always drunk when na at sea". Your use of "what'ere" I think should read "whate'er". May I also suggest changing "privateers" to "buccaneers". Also "an' stowed away" instead of "an stole away". In IV line 4 replace "when 'ere would sing" with "when e'er would sing". Consider "Blood/lust/and/mur/der/our/cru/el/co/horts" to reduce syllabic count from 11 to 10. Consider changing "object of desire" to "prospect of desire". Consider "Ta reach ME end at only twenty one".
Well that's my say for what it's worth. Otherwise a very engaging and entertaining write that I cannot rate other then excellent, Chris.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Thanks Chris for your review and comments.
Comment from emjaihammond
This was exceptional. I love both the story and the dialect you used to tell it in. Sometimes this is overdone, to the point of distraction from the story. But, I felt you managed to make it just enough to feel real and to enhance what I read. Loved the story too. You have contributed a very good contender.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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This was exceptional. I love both the story and the dialect you used to tell it in. Sometimes this is overdone, to the point of distraction from the story. But, I felt you managed to make it just enough to feel real and to enhance what I read. Loved the story too. You have contributed a very good contender.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much emjaihammond, I appreciate your encouragement and am pleased that you like the story..
Comment from Gloria ....
Super job, Trieshel. Excellent iambic meter throughout and wonderful rhymes in your well executed Crown. I also enjoyed the vernacular and of course the story.
All the best to you in the contest, dear man.
Gloria
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Super job, Trieshel. Excellent iambic meter throughout and wonderful rhymes in your well executed Crown. I also enjoyed the vernacular and of course the story.
All the best to you in the contest, dear man.
Gloria
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much emmex. I appreciate your wonderfully supportive comments band am very pleased you liked the poem.
Comment from Green Lake Girl
A wonderful response to this Heroic Sonnets contest. I enjoyed the tale and the sonnet format. I hope you do well in the contest. Superbly done!
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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A wonderful response to this Heroic Sonnets contest. I enjoyed the tale and the sonnet format. I hope you do well in the contest. Superbly done!
Comment Written 24-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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Thank you Marietta.
Comment from tfawcus
This is a magnificent response to the Crown of Heroic Sonnets prompt. The sustained dialect and humour carry this nautical tale along nicely. One can imagine it as having been written as a final confession by the poor pirate before being led out from his cell to the gallows.
Technically perfect and a rollicking good tale, it must surely do well in the contest! Congratulations!
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2014
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This is a magnificent response to the Crown of Heroic Sonnets prompt. The sustained dialect and humour carry this nautical tale along nicely. One can imagine it as having been written as a final confession by the poor pirate before being led out from his cell to the gallows.
Technically perfect and a rollicking good tale, it must surely do well in the contest! Congratulations!
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much tfawcus for a great review and hearty endorsement.
Comment from pipersfancy
Nice to find this sea-faring adventure played out in the Crown of Sonnets! Your knowledge of the terminology shines, and adds so much to the authentic feel of this piece; I especially love the subtle element of dialect you've used - not too much to make it feel contrived, but enough to place the piece smack dab in the time and place you intended! Well done!
One tiny point:
We terrorized the Caribbean ports
And captured helpless ships upon the main.
Bloodlust and murder were our cruel cohorts.
We held all civil laws in pure disdain.
3rd line with 11 syllables. Even if you pronounce 'cruel' as 1 syllable, you still have 'COhorts' ending on a weak stress/syllable. Possible substitution of 'sports'?
Good luck with this entry in the contest!
PF
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2014
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Nice to find this sea-faring adventure played out in the Crown of Sonnets! Your knowledge of the terminology shines, and adds so much to the authentic feel of this piece; I especially love the subtle element of dialect you've used - not too much to make it feel contrived, but enough to place the piece smack dab in the time and place you intended! Well done!
One tiny point:
We terrorized the Caribbean ports
And captured helpless ships upon the main.
Bloodlust and murder were our cruel cohorts.
We held all civil laws in pure disdain.
3rd line with 11 syllables. Even if you pronounce 'cruel' as 1 syllable, you still have 'COhorts' ending on a weak stress/syllable. Possible substitution of 'sports'?
Good luck with this entry in the contest!
PF
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2014
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Thank you pipersfancy. I definitely do pronounce cruel as one syllable and have no problem pronouncing it as coHORTS. Getting dialectical here. I don't believe that's getting outside my dialect annotation in the author's notes. You do bring up a reasonable concern and I appreciate that.
Comment from Eternal Muse
Finally I got my fresh supply of sixes and can award one to this brilliant crown. I enjoyed it enormously when I first read it, and thought that nothing less of a six would do - but didn't have a six available.
You appeased a sea lover in me with this tale. Fantastic use of a common sailor dialect, and thank you so much for your author notes explaining those lines, I would be completely lost, lol. Great visuals throughout, I feel like watching a Johnny Depp pirate movie.
Favorite lines, among many -
I sailed with crew who knew a thing or two
'Bout how ta make our true intentions clear.
When Jolly Roger flew forth inta view
Our quarry knew they's chased by buccaneer.
We'd fire a warnin' shot across its bow
Ta force the prize ta slowly swing about.
We'd fix a grapplin' hook upon her prow,
Then jump aboard ta clear defenses out.
With blazin' pistols and sharp cutlass blades,
Inflicted deadly wounds and broken bones.
We killed the crew and ravished any maids.
Then sent them off ta visit Davy Jones.
I felt sorry for that sailor-pirate who was kind of forced into this ordeal, only to pay for it with his young life, sentenced to "Dance the Jig" in the end.
This was a breath of fresh air, and I will book-case it, to read and savor.
Bravo is in order.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2014
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Finally I got my fresh supply of sixes and can award one to this brilliant crown. I enjoyed it enormously when I first read it, and thought that nothing less of a six would do - but didn't have a six available.
You appeased a sea lover in me with this tale. Fantastic use of a common sailor dialect, and thank you so much for your author notes explaining those lines, I would be completely lost, lol. Great visuals throughout, I feel like watching a Johnny Depp pirate movie.
Favorite lines, among many -
I sailed with crew who knew a thing or two
'Bout how ta make our true intentions clear.
When Jolly Roger flew forth inta view
Our quarry knew they's chased by buccaneer.
We'd fire a warnin' shot across its bow
Ta force the prize ta slowly swing about.
We'd fix a grapplin' hook upon her prow,
Then jump aboard ta clear defenses out.
With blazin' pistols and sharp cutlass blades,
Inflicted deadly wounds and broken bones.
We killed the crew and ravished any maids.
Then sent them off ta visit Davy Jones.
I felt sorry for that sailor-pirate who was kind of forced into this ordeal, only to pay for it with his young life, sentenced to "Dance the Jig" in the end.
This was a breath of fresh air, and I will book-case it, to read and savor.
Bravo is in order.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2014
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Thank you. I really appreciate your enthusiasm and fr coming back with this six evel review. It took a great deal and several days to write it band get it right. I wrote it with out the dialect first, then Googled pirate jargon and history. Then went back and polished the finished product. I also got good input from other poets on the site. This is an amazing format, and I will try another one later.
Comment from Nottoway
Magnificent!
Content, style, imagery! You take the reader onto the docks and seedy haunts. One can picture what folks are doing-from the traipse of men to the mom's bed to the wayward youth and life upon ship Yet so much left to the imagination.
One can tell you work at your craft- poetry styling!
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2014
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Magnificent!
Content, style, imagery! You take the reader onto the docks and seedy haunts. One can picture what folks are doing-from the traipse of men to the mom's bed to the wayward youth and life upon ship Yet so much left to the imagination.
One can tell you work at your craft- poetry styling!
Comment Written 22-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2014
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Thank you Nottoway. You gave a wonderful review. Appreciate it and these award of all those stars are wonderful too.
