Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "The David Vernon McMahon Diet"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
19 total reviews
Comment from Tatarka2
Here's my suggestion, for what it's worth: I'd put this chapter in later, after the food supply is almost gone. It's hard to believe they'd all eat him, especially in such good spirits, if they had any other option. Also, I think you could write this chapter in about half as many words, and it would be so much more horrifying and powerful. Let Johnny self-reflect in some other place, and describe the characters' religious beliefs BEFORE this chapter. Then write this one as starkly as possible. Just the facts, ma'am. I think it would be so much more powerful that way.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Here's my suggestion, for what it's worth: I'd put this chapter in later, after the food supply is almost gone. It's hard to believe they'd all eat him, especially in such good spirits, if they had any other option. Also, I think you could write this chapter in about half as many words, and it would be so much more horrifying and powerful. Let Johnny self-reflect in some other place, and describe the characters' religious beliefs BEFORE this chapter. Then write this one as starkly as possible. Just the facts, ma'am. I think it would be so much more powerful that way.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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I agree. This chapter was a bit ill-advised. I tried to throw some humor in to lighten the seriousness of it, but you are right. The timing is off. This used to be a much shorter piece that was going to end pretty soon. But, it is much longer now and this does belong way later or not at all maybe. mikey
Comment from Darkhorse555
oh what a picture this drew mikey I do seem to attract very insecure and jealous mates i can fully relate beautifully penned excellent read dear friend
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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oh what a picture this drew mikey I do seem to attract very insecure and jealous mates i can fully relate beautifully penned excellent read dear friend
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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I like to throw in some details from time to time about their characters. Glad you liked it. mikey
Comment from adewpearl
anonymously :-)
compelling discussion of the "current morality" and the death of one of the clients
the murdered body laying there - lying there
blood-soaked ground - add hyphen
chilling discussion of cannibalism
I know my heart's intent - add apostrophe for possessive
supply was still ample, and - add comma
a fascinating discussion of when one becomes desperate enough to resort to extreme measures and when one still believes it is not that desperate yet
Brooke
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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anonymously :-)
compelling discussion of the "current morality" and the death of one of the clients
the murdered body laying there - lying there
blood-soaked ground - add hyphen
chilling discussion of cannibalism
I know my heart's intent - add apostrophe for possessive
supply was still ample, and - add comma
a fascinating discussion of when one becomes desperate enough to resort to extreme measures and when one still believes it is not that desperate yet
Brooke
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much for the in depth review. I am so far behind that I'm going backwards. I do read each review with keen interest and appreciate them so much. I'm trying to catch up! Delighted with the positive response and the helpful corrections. Thanks again. mikey
Comment from nordicgirl
Goodness. Well this is something that could happen though it seemed to happen rather easyily. Perhaps they may eant to refllect on their actiond in the days ahead as to the morality. Of coursr we dont knoe who did it and that will be interesting to find out if we ever do. I hopr this doesnt become the main focus now....please? NG
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Goodness. Well this is something that could happen though it seemed to happen rather easyily. Perhaps they may eant to refllect on their actiond in the days ahead as to the morality. Of coursr we dont knoe who did it and that will be interesting to find out if we ever do. I hopr this doesnt become the main focus now....please? NG
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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I think I will take your advice. I definitely don't want to go cannibal zombie with this. Posted a couple chapters after this. So, the direction has changed a bit. Let me know what you think. mikey
Comment from ragamuffin
I heard a survival expert once say that when one becomes hungry enough, just about nothing that is edible is repulsive. Fortunately I've never been that hungry.
I like the humor tossed in. It makes the story easier to take and realistically would make the situation mentally survivable. Interesting. Eating the mental patients and cracking jokes about it to keep one's own sanity.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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I heard a survival expert once say that when one becomes hungry enough, just about nothing that is edible is repulsive. Fortunately I've never been that hungry.
I like the humor tossed in. It makes the story easier to take and realistically would make the situation mentally survivable. Interesting. Eating the mental patients and cracking jokes about it to keep one's own sanity.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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I tried to make it as easy to take as possible. I don't think I'm going to address it much in the story either. I just wanted to make the point that it was something that was possible. Glad you liked my take on it. Thank you much, mikey
Comment from l.raven
ok Michael, When I get done throwing up...LOL...it's not like people have never heard of it...but just never thought about doing it...NO!!!I'm reading on...me and my barf bag!!! lol...well now what...next!!! LOL...Luff ya you...Linda xxoo
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ok Michael, When I get done throwing up...LOL...it's not like people have never heard of it...but just never thought about doing it...NO!!!I'm reading on...me and my barf bag!!! lol...well now what...next!!! LOL...Luff ya you...Linda xxoo
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
Comment from 24chas
I have a feeling we're getting to the "meat" of the story now, mikey. Err, sorry, man, had to be said. Great chapter. Again, very realistic.
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I have a feeling we're getting to the "meat" of the story now, mikey. Err, sorry, man, had to be said. Great chapter. Again, very realistic.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
You are moving along very well, at a good pace and I enjoy reading your chapters as they unfold. I like your choice of picture, in the woods, well done and you got good instinct and talent, my friend. I will read it over again, to get a better grip and try to learn a thing or two. I just posted a script/story poem, I shook the tree, some don't know what to think, it confounds them but I would like your insight because you are a deeper thinker ans see--the big picture and I respect your thoughts, you are a good writer and have abundance of imagination as seen in this perfect story. later Lion King
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You are moving along very well, at a good pace and I enjoy reading your chapters as they unfold. I like your choice of picture, in the woods, well done and you got good instinct and talent, my friend. I will read it over again, to get a better grip and try to learn a thing or two. I just posted a script/story poem, I shook the tree, some don't know what to think, it confounds them but I would like your insight because you are a deeper thinker ans see--the big picture and I respect your thoughts, you are a good writer and have abundance of imagination as seen in this perfect story. later Lion King
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Mikey.
This chapter sure has some tasty bits to think about. A diet of David Vernon McMahon...desperate times lead to desperate measures. You've shown a good breakdown of society, both in appearance and in mannerisms. It's amazing how we revert to the lowest denominator of human kind.
My only comment is to bring in more dialogue. Your protagonist is excellent. I have a great feel for Johnny, but not as strongly the other characters, other than what he's shared as the narrator.
Great story. You've really developed a desperate situation and heightened the feel of survival necessity. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
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Hi, Mikey.
This chapter sure has some tasty bits to think about. A diet of David Vernon McMahon...desperate times lead to desperate measures. You've shown a good breakdown of society, both in appearance and in mannerisms. It's amazing how we revert to the lowest denominator of human kind.
My only comment is to bring in more dialogue. Your protagonist is excellent. I have a great feel for Johnny, but not as strongly the other characters, other than what he's shared as the narrator.
Great story. You've really developed a desperate situation and heightened the feel of survival necessity. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from Sankey
Yes as I thought some in here about your clients ha! Can see some references to some recent poetry regarding Rosary Beads and so on. pretty gross and I am still here. I must be sick! We are all a bit sick what!
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Yes as I thought some in here about your clients ha! Can see some references to some recent poetry regarding Rosary Beads and so on. pretty gross and I am still here. I must be sick! We are all a bit sick what!
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
