Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Old Friends and New"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
23 total reviews
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Bring her own---the cast and crew. I watch the battle scene unfold before me very eyes. I have no pride, life is a mystery? Don't be shy and hide thee quill from loyal knights of the round table,,,,,, I rally the cause and forfeit me existance for a gander of this man's dreams created out of the blue moon's harvest starving children which seeks the seed which makes us grow. I see--a couple of names, un-famillar to me, like a dream to me. I don't dispute, this is thought out, like a prayer. looking good, Mikey. I got many villages to raid and plunder.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Bring her own---the cast and crew. I watch the battle scene unfold before me very eyes. I have no pride, life is a mystery? Don't be shy and hide thee quill from loyal knights of the round table,,,,,, I rally the cause and forfeit me existance for a gander of this man's dreams created out of the blue moon's harvest starving children which seeks the seed which makes us grow. I see--a couple of names, un-famillar to me, like a dream to me. I don't dispute, this is thought out, like a prayer. looking good, Mikey. I got many villages to raid and plunder.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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I'm trying to introduce all the characters early so they can pop up when they need to without having to be explained later. Makes for a slow chapter here and there. I have to try to remind myself that it's an overall picture and that each post doesn't have to be thrilling. It is all part of a bigger piece. right? Hahaha. this thing keeps getting bigger. It was supposed to be a novelette. now I think it may be a novella. I'm still not sure what any of that is to begin with...... mikey
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Like your game, like a game of chess you must think three steps ahead or it's checkmate?
Comment from Michaelk
Good chapter. You know the old adage,'show don't tell'? I think this chapter could've used a bit more of that. You started out fine, with Jen and Johnny a little conversation followed by exposition. I think more of that would've made this chapter a little less tedious. Have Christine walk up and punch Johnny in the arm, challenge him to a game, which he respectfully declines, then go into the description of her. Do the same with the other characters you introduced. Give them a line or two, then explain. I do like this chapter, I just think a few more lines of dialog here and there could've made it better. I did like the matter of fact way Johnny said to never count him out. And the way he described the women makes him sound like a horn dog.
Good chapter. I patiently await the next.
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reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Good chapter. You know the old adage,'show don't tell'? I think this chapter could've used a bit more of that. You started out fine, with Jen and Johnny a little conversation followed by exposition. I think more of that would've made this chapter a little less tedious. Have Christine walk up and punch Johnny in the arm, challenge him to a game, which he respectfully declines, then go into the description of her. Do the same with the other characters you introduced. Give them a line or two, then explain. I do like this chapter, I just think a few more lines of dialog here and there could've made it better. I did like the matter of fact way Johnny said to never count him out. And the way he described the women makes him sound like a horn dog.
Good chapter. I patiently await the next.
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Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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You are totally in tune with what I have in mind. Your suggestions are right on the money and I can't tell you how much I appreciate the solutions you offer. I picture them in my mind immediately. Trying to keep caught up on answering these. I'm going out of order, but wanted to make sure you know I am reading and appreciating your reviews. Thanks again, mikey
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No problem. I'm glad to help. It's good to know it's helpful and not annoying.
BTW, I'm gonna have to check...Since you're a Michael too, why am I relegated to being called 'Mikey'? I'm going to compare our ages to see who gets to call who 'Mikey'. :)
Keep writing, I'll be here, waiting to read...Mikey.
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Hahaha. I'm OG bro. 62!
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You didn't list your age, (dangit) oh, well...you can call me Mikey, since you're so protective of your actual age. :)
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Dangit! You win, I'm a young pup at 45. :)
Comment from seaglass
I think you are correct to introduce characters early. The reader needs to get a grip if the dynamics. You said the clients have mental and physical disabilities. Since earlier everyone was running I presume no one is wheelchair bound or using walkers? You will probably describe them next?
"allow Mr. Jefferson or Sir(,) not that I think " I'm thinkin' you need a comma there.
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reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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I think you are correct to introduce characters early. The reader needs to get a grip if the dynamics. You said the clients have mental and physical disabilities. Since earlier everyone was running I presume no one is wheelchair bound or using walkers? You will probably describe them next?
"allow Mr. Jefferson or Sir(,) not that I think " I'm thinkin' you need a comma there.
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Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Yes, they are only mentally disabled. I'm trying to get the basic descriptions in so it doesn't interfere with things later. I hate stopping in the middle of a scene to explain who someone is. Yes, comma. Thank you. I'm getting better on punctuation. I am actually learning it. I never thought I would improve. mikey
