Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 55 "Sunka Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
56 total reviews
Comment from EvaGriffin
This is my first time reading your work which is really good! I love many of your descriptions such as the bull frogs cowering in the creek. I found this sentence to be awkward:
What kept him riveted to the spot was the knowledge this creature foretold a foul wind whipping through the reservation. Half its face was red ? representing blood. The other half was white ? representing death. Is it because of his knowledge that he understood the symbolism of the paint colors? Does finding a dog foretell a foul wind whipping through the reservation? I might say: What kept him riveted to the epos was his understanding of this creature foretold. Leave out the foul wind and skip to the meanings of the paint colors.
I also found "Inertia was a foreign invader, and Ty wasn't willing to bow to its dominion." awkward. Inertia can be both momentum or lack of momentum. I might suggest saying something like "Ty had never been one to sit still"
Otherwise, nicely done.
Eva
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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This is my first time reading your work which is really good! I love many of your descriptions such as the bull frogs cowering in the creek. I found this sentence to be awkward:
What kept him riveted to the spot was the knowledge this creature foretold a foul wind whipping through the reservation. Half its face was red ? representing blood. The other half was white ? representing death. Is it because of his knowledge that he understood the symbolism of the paint colors? Does finding a dog foretell a foul wind whipping through the reservation? I might say: What kept him riveted to the epos was his understanding of this creature foretold. Leave out the foul wind and skip to the meanings of the paint colors.
I also found "Inertia was a foreign invader, and Ty wasn't willing to bow to its dominion." awkward. Inertia can be both momentum or lack of momentum. I might suggest saying something like "Ty had never been one to sit still"
Otherwise, nicely done.
Eva
Comment Written 27-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Eva.
Comment from Jessie Denniel
THis is a very good story. The image is clearly seen because you supported your story with appropriate choice of words. Thank you for sharing this one. Cant wait to see the second part.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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THis is a very good story. The image is clearly seen because you supported your story with appropriate choice of words. Thank you for sharing this one. Cant wait to see the second part.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, Jessie. I appreciate the gracious review. :0) Bev
Comment from TOMORAL
Wow, this is exciting and intense and mind boggling all at the same time. Very well written. I have not been following this story but found it awesome all the same. Great talent for this kind of writing.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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Wow, this is exciting and intense and mind boggling all at the same time. Very well written. I have not been following this story but found it awesome all the same. Great talent for this kind of writing.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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Thanks so very much, Tomoral. I really appreciate your very encouraging and generous review! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
It's never a disappointment, Bev. Never.
but Ty marked her moods like a tracker marks the lines and swirls of a prey's passing. - wonderful analogy.
Ty reached for the gun at his hip. Staring back at him was a creature whose face was split down the middle by red and white paint. To the extent it had a muzzle and wicked sharp teeth, it resembled a wolf. But its lips were pulled back into a cannibal grin, and the way its eyes bore into his was as unnatural as anything he'd ever seen. - Holy crap, Bev! I got a chill at this description.
He shifted into reverse, intending to back off the bridge, when the engine cut out. - Yep ? another chill! What a nightmare.
He nudged the car door open, took up his weapon and set his boots on the ground. - just a suggestion. ...and set his booted feet on the ground. ??
A sense of doom swirled around him, like cancer cells, arrogant in their power to kill. - such a strong metaphor.
OH NO, the poor dog! That's terrible! Who is this bastard?
Bev, what a cliff-hanger to leave us with!
Fantastic chapter, yet again. So professional. I just wanted to read on, although I'd be freaked out! LOL!
So well done, my dear friend. This is an amazing book.
Love and hugs,
Av
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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It's never a disappointment, Bev. Never.
but Ty marked her moods like a tracker marks the lines and swirls of a prey's passing. - wonderful analogy.
Ty reached for the gun at his hip. Staring back at him was a creature whose face was split down the middle by red and white paint. To the extent it had a muzzle and wicked sharp teeth, it resembled a wolf. But its lips were pulled back into a cannibal grin, and the way its eyes bore into his was as unnatural as anything he'd ever seen. - Holy crap, Bev! I got a chill at this description.
He shifted into reverse, intending to back off the bridge, when the engine cut out. - Yep ? another chill! What a nightmare.
He nudged the car door open, took up his weapon and set his boots on the ground. - just a suggestion. ...and set his booted feet on the ground. ??
A sense of doom swirled around him, like cancer cells, arrogant in their power to kill. - such a strong metaphor.
OH NO, the poor dog! That's terrible! Who is this bastard?
Bev, what a cliff-hanger to leave us with!
Fantastic chapter, yet again. So professional. I just wanted to read on, although I'd be freaked out! LOL!
So well done, my dear friend. This is an amazing book.
Love and hugs,
Av
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Av, thanks so much for this totally awesome review. I think your suggestion is helpful and will make the correction pronto! Av,your words and your generosity mean so much to me. And your appreciation of my similes just tickles me to no end. I'm honored by the support from a writer I so very much admire. Love, Bev
Comment from Mastery
Hi, my friend. glad to be back and reading your work. sorry I missed so much. You are continuing on a fine path of great writing. I noted:
"Her edges were invisible to most people, but Ty marked her moods like a tracker marks the lines and swirls of a prey's passing"
And: "Except for the soft rumble of the idling engine, the night was preternaturally silent -- even the bullfrogs cowered in the creek."
And: "A coarse cackle went on for some seconds before the voice continued. ?You saw what I did to that mangy hound. Do you really think you can take me on? Besides, Tony is not important. The priest is the one I want. And you will bring him to me, you and that tight-ass cousin of yours.?
Suggestion: Perhaps re-word part of this paragraph...near the end:
"He climbed the steps and pushed open the front door. Peering into the darkness, he could see a large shape sprawled in front of the wood stove. He moved with caution, but almost went down when he stepped into something slick on the floor. A moan came from the direction of the object, and Ty recognized the sound of an animal in terrible pain.
(sprawled...such a great verb) But change the last to this: "He heard a moan and recognized it as the sound of an animal in horrendous pain."
Bravo, Bev. I wish I had a six left for you. Keep up the good work. Bob
"
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Hi, my friend. glad to be back and reading your work. sorry I missed so much. You are continuing on a fine path of great writing. I noted:
"Her edges were invisible to most people, but Ty marked her moods like a tracker marks the lines and swirls of a prey's passing"
And: "Except for the soft rumble of the idling engine, the night was preternaturally silent -- even the bullfrogs cowered in the creek."
And: "A coarse cackle went on for some seconds before the voice continued. ?You saw what I did to that mangy hound. Do you really think you can take me on? Besides, Tony is not important. The priest is the one I want. And you will bring him to me, you and that tight-ass cousin of yours.?
Suggestion: Perhaps re-word part of this paragraph...near the end:
"He climbed the steps and pushed open the front door. Peering into the darkness, he could see a large shape sprawled in front of the wood stove. He moved with caution, but almost went down when he stepped into something slick on the floor. A moan came from the direction of the object, and Ty recognized the sound of an animal in terrible pain.
(sprawled...such a great verb) But change the last to this: "He heard a moan and recognized it as the sound of an animal in horrendous pain."
Bravo, Bev. I wish I had a six left for you. Keep up the good work. Bob
"
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Bob, thanks so very much for this very gracious and generous review. I like your suggestion because I can see how the original wording was too passive -- something I don't always recognize when I'm writing. I really appreciate your support and encouragement as you are a writer I truly admire.
Warmest regards, Bev
Hope you are mending well!
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from rtobaygo
Hello:
No particular spags. Intense emotion built about the fear of the unknown and of a villain who appears to know a lot about Ty, more so than Ty wishes. Ty's actions and reactions to supernatural and criminal influences are intense and within the realms of possibilities.
Unfortunately, I've used my sixes for this week (I review about 30 writers a week) so a five will have to suffice.
Take care,
Ray
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Hello:
No particular spags. Intense emotion built about the fear of the unknown and of a villain who appears to know a lot about Ty, more so than Ty wishes. Ty's actions and reactions to supernatural and criminal influences are intense and within the realms of possibilities.
Unfortunately, I've used my sixes for this week (I review about 30 writers a week) so a five will have to suffice.
Take care,
Ray
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Ray, I will gladly take your excellent rating and review! Thanks so much for your continued interest in my story. It means a lot. BTW, I follow about the same number, and I can appreciate how quickly those sixes go! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
You kept us in suspense all the way through this chapter, Bev. This is well written. I hope this story will end well. I have no suggestions.
The person responsible for all these murders is evil.
April
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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You kept us in suspense all the way through this chapter, Bev. This is well written. I hope this story will end well. I have no suggestions.
The person responsible for all these murders is evil.
April
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Thanks, April. I really appreciate the generous and encouraging review. Yes, evil is at the heart of these murders for sure. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Lynette Marie
Inertia was a foreign invader, and Ty wasn't willing to bow to its dominion. -- This is but one example of your excellent sentence structure, and ability to evoke strong feeling. It's evident here that Ty's will is strong.
This story is full of intrigue and suspense. Well done!
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Inertia was a foreign invader, and Ty wasn't willing to bow to its dominion. -- This is but one example of your excellent sentence structure, and ability to evoke strong feeling. It's evident here that Ty's will is strong.
This story is full of intrigue and suspense. Well done!
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, Lynetta. I appreicate your taking time to read and review. Means a lot to me. :0) Bev
Comment from JW
This is an interesting chapter and it makes for a good addition to your story.
The only thing noted was many times you used the words "the animal" where I personally would have used a pronoun instead.
For example: He slammed to a stop just short of hitting the animal versus He slammed to a stop just short of hitting it.
Overall, good job. Thanks for sharing this. JW
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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This is an interesting chapter and it makes for a good addition to your story.
The only thing noted was many times you used the words "the animal" where I personally would have used a pronoun instead.
For example: He slammed to a stop just short of hitting the animal versus He slammed to a stop just short of hitting it.
Overall, good job. Thanks for sharing this. JW
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Thanks for your great review, Jonathon. I'll take a look at the situation you mention. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from dmt1967
This is an interesting story I like it very much and I must see if I can find other chapters very well written thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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This is an interesting story I like it very much and I must see if I can find other chapters very well written thank you for sharing
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Hi, DMT. Thank you so very much for taking time to review my chapter and for your generous remarkds and rating. Warmest regards, Bev
