Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 55 "Sunka Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
56 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the entertaining chapter. This is the first chapter that I've read and I sure am disappointed that I didn't catch this story from the beginning. Congratulations, on being the story of the month. :-)
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
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Thanks for the entertaining chapter. This is the first chapter that I've read and I sure am disappointed that I didn't catch this story from the beginning. Congratulations, on being the story of the month. :-)
Comment Written 08-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
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Hi, Ric. Thank you very much for this very gracious review and your congratulations. I appreciate it! :0) Bev
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2014
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 A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review. |
Comment Written 05-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2014
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I'm very honored. Thank you much! Bev
Comment from daniela.albu
An exciting story, although I have not read the previous chapters. I liked the determined character of Jana and I emphatized with Wasu, while the encounter with the devil dog is so exciting and well written:
"He kept his hand on the heel of his gun and fought the urge to run the bastard over. Years of hearing tales of devil dogs over-ruled his cop sense. What kept him riveted to the spot was its colors -- red and white -- warned of a foul wind whipping through the reservation bringing blood and death".
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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An exciting story, although I have not read the previous chapters. I liked the determined character of Jana and I emphatized with Wasu, while the encounter with the devil dog is so exciting and well written:
"He kept his hand on the heel of his gun and fought the urge to run the bastard over. Years of hearing tales of devil dogs over-ruled his cop sense. What kept him riveted to the spot was its colors -- red and white -- warned of a foul wind whipping through the reservation bringing blood and death".
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Thank you so very much, Daniela. I so appreciate your words of encouragement and support. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Evening, Bev-san
I have to hand it to you, your writing skill has just grown and grown and I am so impressed! Even though I've missed a lot of intervening chapters, this one kept my attention from start to end. Your descriptive narrative set my hairs on edge in the bridge scene and then again with the mangled old dog. You create great sensory visuals with your well chosen words. If you had any SPAG, I didn't see it.
Well done, and best of luck to you in the contest.
Ray
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Good Evening, Bev-san
I have to hand it to you, your writing skill has just grown and grown and I am so impressed! Even though I've missed a lot of intervening chapters, this one kept my attention from start to end. Your descriptive narrative set my hairs on edge in the bridge scene and then again with the mangled old dog. You create great sensory visuals with your well chosen words. If you had any SPAG, I didn't see it.
Well done, and best of luck to you in the contest.
Ray
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Ray, thank you so very much for this awesome review! I am thrilled with your words of encouragement and insight. Your reaction was just what I was reaching for. So kind of you to take time to read this chapter and send along this generous review. And thanks for the good luck wishes too. Some really talented folks, and some of my absolute favorites, in the contest. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from hvysmker
DETECTIVE JANA BURKE'S GRANDMOTHER HAS BEEN PUSHED FROM A LADDER AND HAS BEEN TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL FOR SURGERY BY TRIBAL POLICEMAN, TY LONGACRE.
*** I can commiserate. I was once pushed from a second-floor balcony by an angry hooker. It hurts. Four of us were drunk and arguing when she came at me, tooth and nail. Wham, I woke in a hospital.
**********
Tribal Policeman, Ty Longacre, kept his speed low, and his eyes roving the edges of the road for nocturnal animals on the move.
*** I'd drop that last comma?
Ty reached for the gun at his hip. Staring back at him was a creature whose face was split down the middle by red and white paint. To the extent it had a muzzle and wicked sharp teeth, it resembled a wolf. But its lips were pulled back into a cannibal grin, and the way its eyes bore into his was as unnatural as anything he'd ever seen.
*** Graphic and frightening.
A devil dog painted like a warrior?!
*** Oops! A no-no. Never use two end-of-sentence symbols. Ain't good. Well, maybe in Michigan. I dunno.
Ty's neck hairs rose as the devil dog advanced with the seeming intention of mounting the hood of his car.
*** Must be female. A male would prefer mounting the tailpipe, he-he.
Inertia was a foreign invader, and Ty wasn't willing to bow to its dominion. He nudged the car door open, took up his weapon and set his feet on the ground. Keeping his movements slow, he hunkered down alongside the car and listened for sounds of movement. Despite his heavy jacket, he was cold to the marrow of his bones. He estimated he had a decent chance at getting one good shot off before it came for him. If he missed, they'd likely have to use a shovel to gather up the bloody trail of his body parts.
*** Brrrrrrrr!
It was locked earlier. All the doors were locked.
*** had been locked. All the doors had been locked.
He heard a moan and recognized it as the sound of an animal in horrendous pain.
*** The man being a shaman, right away I assume he could take the form of a devil dog?
His throat was gouged, and Ty smelled the entrails that spilled from the dog's torn gut.
*** I'd lose that comma?
A coarse cackle went on for some seconds before the voice continued. "You saw what I did to that mangy hound. Do you really think you can take me on?
*** He-he-he. Melodramatic. Translated to "You saw what I did to a dog. Do you think I can't take on an armed policeman?"
"Cleverness is a virtue I admire. But clever will get our hostage dead. Capice, redboy?
*** A lot of clues in the conversation. He's NOT an indian and may be Italian.
The line went dead. Ty sagged against the wall, looking at the phone in his hand. He threw it across the room and retrieved his own from the inside of his jacket.
*** He'd better hope he didn't ruin that phone. It's address book might be crucial, also phone records.
Interesting and well-written.
Charlie
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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DETECTIVE JANA BURKE'S GRANDMOTHER HAS BEEN PUSHED FROM A LADDER AND HAS BEEN TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL FOR SURGERY BY TRIBAL POLICEMAN, TY LONGACRE.
*** I can commiserate. I was once pushed from a second-floor balcony by an angry hooker. It hurts. Four of us were drunk and arguing when she came at me, tooth and nail. Wham, I woke in a hospital.
**********
Tribal Policeman, Ty Longacre, kept his speed low, and his eyes roving the edges of the road for nocturnal animals on the move.
*** I'd drop that last comma?
Ty reached for the gun at his hip. Staring back at him was a creature whose face was split down the middle by red and white paint. To the extent it had a muzzle and wicked sharp teeth, it resembled a wolf. But its lips were pulled back into a cannibal grin, and the way its eyes bore into his was as unnatural as anything he'd ever seen.
*** Graphic and frightening.
A devil dog painted like a warrior?!
*** Oops! A no-no. Never use two end-of-sentence symbols. Ain't good. Well, maybe in Michigan. I dunno.
Ty's neck hairs rose as the devil dog advanced with the seeming intention of mounting the hood of his car.
*** Must be female. A male would prefer mounting the tailpipe, he-he.
Inertia was a foreign invader, and Ty wasn't willing to bow to its dominion. He nudged the car door open, took up his weapon and set his feet on the ground. Keeping his movements slow, he hunkered down alongside the car and listened for sounds of movement. Despite his heavy jacket, he was cold to the marrow of his bones. He estimated he had a decent chance at getting one good shot off before it came for him. If he missed, they'd likely have to use a shovel to gather up the bloody trail of his body parts.
*** Brrrrrrrr!
It was locked earlier. All the doors were locked.
*** had been locked. All the doors had been locked.
He heard a moan and recognized it as the sound of an animal in horrendous pain.
*** The man being a shaman, right away I assume he could take the form of a devil dog?
His throat was gouged, and Ty smelled the entrails that spilled from the dog's torn gut.
*** I'd lose that comma?
A coarse cackle went on for some seconds before the voice continued. "You saw what I did to that mangy hound. Do you really think you can take me on?
*** He-he-he. Melodramatic. Translated to "You saw what I did to a dog. Do you think I can't take on an armed policeman?"
"Cleverness is a virtue I admire. But clever will get our hostage dead. Capice, redboy?
*** A lot of clues in the conversation. He's NOT an indian and may be Italian.
The line went dead. Ty sagged against the wall, looking at the phone in his hand. He threw it across the room and retrieved his own from the inside of his jacket.
*** He'd better hope he didn't ruin that phone. It's address book might be crucial, also phone records.
Interesting and well-written.
Charlie
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much, Charlie, for your entertaining review. I don't claim to be Stephen King, just a humble FanStory writer trying to improve and entertain. You might say it's a Michigan thing. Regards, Bev
Comment from pbroussard209
Great chapter, it was suspenseful and a bit scary. You did an awesome job of building up the scene and your descriptions were very vivid. Great job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Great chapter, it was suspenseful and a bit scary. You did an awesome job of building up the scene and your descriptions were very vivid. Great job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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How very gracious of you, PB. I appreciate the encouragement and generosity of this review. Congratulations on your own entry in the contest. I wish you very good luck! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
Fantastic post. Exciting action from beginning to cliff-hanging end. Your work just gets better and better, Bev.
I loved these description: 'Ty marked her moods like a tracker marks the lines and swirls of a prey's passing. '; ' even the bullfrogs cowered in the creek.'
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Fantastic post. Exciting action from beginning to cliff-hanging end. Your work just gets better and better, Bev.
I loved these description: 'Ty marked her moods like a tracker marks the lines and swirls of a prey's passing. '; ' even the bullfrogs cowered in the creek.'
Comment Written 28-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Thanks so very much, Ellen. I caught some flak this chapter for trying to be little too poetic LOL. I don't care, I think trying to come up with imagery is a talent I want to continue to grow. So, your wonderfully generous and encouraging review really mans a lot. Hugs, Bev
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Don't listen to the ones who want tell you what to do. Metaphors, if appropriate, add to the post. What the hell is wrong with being a little poetic?
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I knew you'd get it, Ellen. Hope you are well, my friend. I miss seeing your posts. Anything on the horizon? Hugs, Bev
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You're welcome. Nothing from me yet. The well is dry...
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Take your time... you've earned it Ellen. Big Hug, Bev
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Hug back. :)
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Once again I enjoyed reading your writing. You are doing a good job writing this and it's very creative. Good story
Shit, where'd that thing come from?! (one or the other)
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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Once again I enjoyed reading your writing. You are doing a good job writing this and it's very creative. Good story
Shit, where'd that thing come from?! (one or the other)
Comment Written 27-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much, Barbara. I appreciate the support very much. Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
Bev, this was a gripping chapter.
Her edges were invisible to most people, but Ty marked her moods like a tracker marks the lines and swirls of a prey's passing (an impressive analogy)
. But its lips were pulled back into a cannibal grin, (that is so original)
What kept him riveted to the spot was its colors -- red and white -- warned of a foul wind whipping through the reservation bringing blood and death.
(chilling)
A couple of suggestion coming from a readers point of view. Feel free to toss them out.
A two-lane, granite bridge came into view. Even in good conditions it was a wheel gripper
(They were approaching a two lane granite bridge, that even under the best conditions, was a wheel gripper.)
He slammed to a stop just short of hitting the animal. His heart pumped adrenaline to all his nerve endings, and he was of a mind to jump out and chase it into the woods. But something held him back. Something about the way the thing moved caused him to reconsider
How about a period after endings. then a new sentence. He was about to jump out and chase it, but he stopped cold.
Something about the way the thing moved caused him to reconsider
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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Bev, this was a gripping chapter.
Her edges were invisible to most people, but Ty marked her moods like a tracker marks the lines and swirls of a prey's passing (an impressive analogy)
. But its lips were pulled back into a cannibal grin, (that is so original)
What kept him riveted to the spot was its colors -- red and white -- warned of a foul wind whipping through the reservation bringing blood and death.
(chilling)
A couple of suggestion coming from a readers point of view. Feel free to toss them out.
A two-lane, granite bridge came into view. Even in good conditions it was a wheel gripper
(They were approaching a two lane granite bridge, that even under the best conditions, was a wheel gripper.)
He slammed to a stop just short of hitting the animal. His heart pumped adrenaline to all his nerve endings, and he was of a mind to jump out and chase it into the woods. But something held him back. Something about the way the thing moved caused him to reconsider
How about a period after endings. then a new sentence. He was about to jump out and chase it, but he stopped cold.
Something about the way the thing moved caused him to reconsider
Comment Written 27-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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Hi, Dallas. Thanks for the great review! I think your suggestions are good ones, and I'll take them to heart.
Your generosity and encouragement mean a lot. Getting down to the wire now LOL.
Warm regards, Bev
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you're welcome. Happy weekend.
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Thanks, you too, Dallas.
Comment from JM daSilva
As usual, your writing is gripping. I would change this line.
??He could see no lights coming towards him and he was relieved.
?? Ty slowed to a crawl; relieved he could see no lights coming towards him.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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As usual, your writing is gripping. I would change this line.
??He could see no lights coming towards him and he was relieved.
?? Ty slowed to a crawl; relieved he could see no lights coming towards him.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much, JM. I think your suggestion is a good one.
Warmest regards, Bev
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Welcome.
