Studying Rodin
Life imitating art...26 total reviews
Comment from Robin Gilmor
So enjoyable, even with the poets prerogative. Your flow and tale meld together
nicely in this lovely verse. Totally enjoyable. Your closing lines paint a vision of
twins in thoughtful repose. Cleaver my lad, very cleaver. Smiles, Robin :)
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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So enjoyable, even with the poets prerogative. Your flow and tale meld together
nicely in this lovely verse. Totally enjoyable. Your closing lines paint a vision of
twins in thoughtful repose. Cleaver my lad, very cleaver. Smiles, Robin :)
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, Robin. I appreciate it.
Comment from adewpearl
I was just teaching metrical substitution to my sonnets class last night and warning them that some reviewers expect every syllable of every line to adhere to the overall meter. I'm glad to see you advocating for flexibility.
good alliteration in phrases like grace, a goddess
strong rhymes
excellent use of enjambment
I like the satiric humor
I love the way the speaker's pose mirrors that of the statue in the end as he is rejected by the art lover :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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I was just teaching metrical substitution to my sonnets class last night and warning them that some reviewers expect every syllable of every line to adhere to the overall meter. I'm glad to see you advocating for flexibility.
good alliteration in phrases like grace, a goddess
strong rhymes
excellent use of enjambment
I like the satiric humor
I love the way the speaker's pose mirrors that of the statue in the end as he is rejected by the art lover :-) Brooke
Comment Written 09-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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I'm so glad to find another here who actually understands and appreciates the device and necessity of interrupting the metronome on occasion, Brooke. I must admit it took me awhile to embrace it, but I feel like I want to help those who want to progress their writing beyond the basic grasp of meter, and into a place where they can say something with it. I appreciate the great review.
David
Comment from catch22
This is a very clever and punny write about how life can ironically imitate art. I like the personification of the Ego and the Id--this line made me smile. I actually like the metrical substitutions you made. I've heard Shakespeare made them all the time. In L12, when you do make the substitution for a trochee, is it customary to lose a syllable? Or does it really matter--as long as the line still sounds good? Just curious.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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This is a very clever and punny write about how life can ironically imitate art. I like the personification of the Ego and the Id--this line made me smile. I actually like the metrical substitutions you made. I've heard Shakespeare made them all the time. In L12, when you do make the substitution for a trochee, is it customary to lose a syllable? Or does it really matter--as long as the line still sounds good? Just curious.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Gail, thank you very much. Losing half a foot from the front is something I picked up from my mentor, Timothy Steele, who utilized that occasionally, but I think it's only the second time I've done so. In this case, I did that to simulate a quick grin "flashed", so the read actually tracks with the intent. Perhaps I think too much sometimes, but as you can tell, I could easily change it to "displayed a grin" for meter. Thanks!
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I see. That makes sense. The meter serves the flow of the message well. Thanks for the reply.
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Any time! :) Thanks for asking.
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
This form resembles the sonnet form, and it's one I've used myself several times, but it is not a sonnet and in some places employs some dogey meter. It is otherwise well crafted, sophisticated, clever, and the witty use of the language makes it a very mature and pleasant read. We tip our hat to the academic intellectuals by introducing Rodin's sculpture of the Thinker. We'll use him later to bonce our wit from. It is a good read, though a shallow one, and one I enjoyed. Wit exceptional. Kenny
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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This form resembles the sonnet form, and it's one I've used myself several times, but it is not a sonnet and in some places employs some dogey meter. It is otherwise well crafted, sophisticated, clever, and the witty use of the language makes it a very mature and pleasant read. We tip our hat to the academic intellectuals by introducing Rodin's sculpture of the Thinker. We'll use him later to bonce our wit from. It is a good read, though a shallow one, and one I enjoyed. Wit exceptional. Kenny
Comment Written 09-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Thanks, Kenny. Actually, the meter is correct except where intended to be varied (as I'm sure you know, there are three acceptable forms of metrical variance), and it's not meant to be a sonnet. I was originally going to make it one, but opted not to in the end. Still trying to circle back round to comment on your changes on the other piece. Thanks for the review.
Comment from mfowler
This is a very thought provoking poem (sic!).
I like the flippant touch evident in this poem. You, the voice of the randy runner, narrate this tale of boy doesn't meet girl in very clever banter, excellently paced rhtyms and you set it in an interesting environment. Looking at the Thinker, I ask: How did he that buff body just sitting around thinking all day. Does not work for me?
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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This is a very thought provoking poem (sic!).
I like the flippant touch evident in this poem. You, the voice of the randy runner, narrate this tale of boy doesn't meet girl in very clever banter, excellently paced rhtyms and you set it in an interesting environment. Looking at the Thinker, I ask: How did he that buff body just sitting around thinking all day. Does not work for me?
Comment Written 09-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Thanks very much for your great review, and for your thoughtful questioning of The Thinker's training methods, which appear to be unorthodox and sketchy at best. :) Perhaps he was getting his mind into the muscle, which is what we fitness enthusiasts do. :)
Comment from Domino 2
Hello again.
The iambic pentameter is mostly excellent, though a couple of line don't scan to me:
Lines 2, 3, 6 and 11 - the [da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM] with the beat emphasis on the 2nd syllable and alternate thereafter in each line doesn't work.
Terrific visual finish in your couplet.
VERY entertaining read.
Best wishes, Ted
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Hello again.
The iambic pentameter is mostly excellent, though a couple of line don't scan to me:
Lines 2, 3, 6 and 11 - the [da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM] with the beat emphasis on the 2nd syllable and alternate thereafter in each line doesn't work.
Terrific visual finish in your couplet.
VERY entertaining read.
Best wishes, Ted
Comment Written 08-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Ted,
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HI Ted. Actually, there are a few metrical substitutions, which are mentioned in the notes, but the rest is actually in iambic pentameter. Trust me on this. It doesn't have to be singsongy to be in meter, remember. Some of the metric feet don't da-DUM as starkly as others. Thanks so much for the review.
Comment from tfawcus
This is a tightly constructed sonnet with a deceptively simple conversational style. I like the self-deprecating humour and the way you re-introduce the Rodin pose in the final couplet. An unfortunate rebuff, but one has to try!
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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This is a tightly constructed sonnet with a deceptively simple conversational style. I like the self-deprecating humour and the way you re-introduce the Rodin pose in the final couplet. An unfortunate rebuff, but one has to try!
Comment Written 08-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, tfawcus. Yes, without an attempt there's never a score, but perhaps next time our hero will lower the goal. I appreciate the great review.
Comment from Dawn of Tomorrow
Very Nice!!! I think I remember this one, I know I've read it somewhere before. You do have such wit, my friend. Now how are you gone for so long and able to muster 18 now 19 reviews? Never have lost your touch!! I've always loved the way you do this
The Thinker brooded there, a studied pose
of Man's reflective mood (without his clothes).
I learned so much from you and it is really good to read your words again.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Very Nice!!! I think I remember this one, I know I've read it somewhere before. You do have such wit, my friend. Now how are you gone for so long and able to muster 18 now 19 reviews? Never have lost your touch!! I've always loved the way you do this
The Thinker brooded there, a studied pose
of Man's reflective mood (without his clothes).
I learned so much from you and it is really good to read your words again.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much, JL. I have no idea how I got so many. I was only expecting a few, but thanks to you and a few others giving me sixes, I guess it got more exposure.
You may have seen this in its infancy, but this is the finished (or most finished so far) product. :) I appreciate you dropping by. Maybe we'll get the band back together!
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Oh this is lovely. Intellect mixed with humour - what could be better. Unusual, rhyme and free verse mix but it makes a great sonnet. It also made me laugh! To approach a sophisticated, sleek Parisienne in your training gear - what did you expect. But your final couplet is great. To sit down, rejected and take on the pose of Rodin's Thinker would have been an amusing sight. Very enjoyable sonnet. Regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Oh this is lovely. Intellect mixed with humour - what could be better. Unusual, rhyme and free verse mix but it makes a great sonnet. It also made me laugh! To approach a sophisticated, sleek Parisienne in your training gear - what did you expect. But your final couplet is great. To sit down, rejected and take on the pose of Rodin's Thinker would have been an amusing sight. Very enjoyable sonnet. Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 08-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Dorothy, thank you very much! It's actually not a free verse mix, but there are a couple of metrical substitutions in strategic places that may have made it seem as such. I really appreciate the exceptional rating, and that you took your time to read.
Comment from zanya
Life imitating Art or the reverse - a rhythm that jaunts along in keeping with the young man's pursuit of Love -but brought to a halt with a firm 'Non' from Madame -
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Life imitating Art or the reverse - a rhythm that jaunts along in keeping with the young man's pursuit of Love -but brought to a halt with a firm 'Non' from Madame -
Comment Written 08-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Thank you, zanya. :)
